Beware the lollipop of Mediocrity - Lick it once and You'll Suck Forever.

So there we were, just me and the aliens; their ship had crashed and what was I to do? I couldn't just leave 'em out there in the Nevada desert all alone while they waited for their friends to come and get them could I? It was cold and it was lonely and let's face it they were all alone on a strange planet. I felt for them, so I said "what the hell" I'll stay and keep 'em company.

 

That's the last time I volunteer for that duty! What a bunch of creeps! It started out well enough, they were all being very polite and friendly and complimentary about the place. I mean you would wouldn't you? it's someone elses' planet, of course you'd be polite and try to get along. Then I made the biiig mistake of being all too polite and offering them a few drinks. I had a bottle of 'Jack' with me so I offered to share it around. It was a cold night and we had a good little fire going ( nothing compared to the fucking great beacon they had set up to attract their friends though.) and it was keeping the cold at bay but there's nothing like a good drop of the 'Jack' to warm the cockles of your heart; Not to mention your cockle itself!

 

Well, the first drinks went down and they reacted pretty much as I thought they would, trying to be all macho and tell me that they had drinks that would peel the skin off my throat, yada yada yada, I got bored with the bullshit and told 'em they were full of it. That's when it all started to go pear-shaped I reckon.

 

I get a bit pissed-off when people tell me they don't like my place. I mean if you don't like my house then just don't fucking visit you know? If you can't say anything nice about my place then just shut the fuck up and don't say anything. So they start: 'You're planet is like this boring, dull little place where a bunch of retard's live. We only come here to laugh at you dude.' and 'Man, if I had to live on this dust-ball, I'd kill myself.' Then insults got really personal: ' So tell us earth-man, what's it like growing actual hair everywhere and walking on your knuckles?' They all laughed really hard at that one and I think it's then that I decided to do it.

 

I am not a violent person, I mean I haven't hit anyone since my school days and even then it was only a play-fight really. I will admit that having a few drinks in me might have made a bit of a difference and that perhaps my judgment was impaired but these little grey fuckers were really working on my last nerve. I picked up a rock the size of a golfball and threw it at the one nearest me; it was a serious mistake. Who knew they were so freaking fragile? I mean I have never, ever seen someone crack open like that! How do these guys even go outside knowing that they can break that easily?

 

Anyways, the others just kind of sat there looking at it and I immediately thought I needed to do something about this. I could see that one of them was going for his gun (why do they all wear six-guns on old west style belts anyway?) and I just knew that was going to be bad so I beat him to it by slinging another stone. I hit him fairly in his neck and his head about popped off. The other two were easy, one of them tried to run and hide but I knew if he did, things would get ugly when his compadres arrived. There was a little chase but it din't last long, these guys have really short legs and they run like penguins.

 

By the time their friends arrived it was all done. I built a bigger fire in the crashed ship and hauled the bits I could find of the bodies into it. The 'rescue party' found only a burned out shell and some jelly; Mind you, they weren't the best 'rescue party' I've ever seen, half of them were stoned and the other half were just loud-mouthed and stupid.

 

Anyways yeah, so much for my holiday to Roswell.