Al-Qaeda Airways - Daily Flights One-Way Non-stop to Paradise.

 suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, "you've all got 30 seconds to get out!" 
The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, "you bastard!"

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why are women like clouds? eventually they piss off and its a really nice day 
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Whats the difference between light and hard? 
You can sleep with a light on. 
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I was at an ATM when an old lady came up and asked me to check her balance. 
So I pushed her over. 
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I had a dog named minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks. 
Bad minton. 
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Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate 'My mother-in-law is an angel'. The reply from his friend...... 'You're so lucky... Mine's still alive...'
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A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide. 
The librarian says; 'Piss off, you won't bring it back.'