fearEver had an anxiety attack? This is what it feels like . . .
There were so many things I wanted to blog about today. I have been storing up stuff to rant about. At about 4:3o this morning, all that went out the window and I knew I had to tell you about this instead. It might help someone else out there who has the same problem and doesn't know what to do. Mebe.
It's funny how this happens at the same time every time, no matter if we're on daylight-saving time or Winter time. It happens if I'm asleep or awake, it's always at 03:30 in Winter and then 04:30 in Summer. It's like my body-clock knows the hour.
The very first thing I know of it is when I wake up for no apparent reason(unless I am already, say at work for example.)
It begins like a nothing, a low rumble of distant thunder on the horizon, like some faint siren calling me from some distant rock. Yet as soon as I hear it, feel it, I know what's coming. Like a locust swarm, the black feelings spread with unnatural speed from that horizon, until I'm suddenly engulfed in a dark cloud.
The muscles knot in my guts. They tighten and it feels as though all my organs are trying to grab onto each other. The knotted ball of muscles in the gut is just the entree to this next hour or a couple of misery. Next there's the heart beat that races from 'normal' to 'space shuttle' in just a second or two. It feels as though my heart is going faster than it can; I wonder sometimes why it doesn't burst. Surely it wasn't meant to beat so fast, the pressure must be enormous and I wonder if one morning I'll have a massive heart-attack. I find myself cold and clamy, in a cold sweat. I find I'm not breathing and force myself to take long, deep breaths. The breathing helps to loosen the writhing ball of muscles inside me.
Then, the worst part of all - the fears begin. The terrors. At first it's an undefined sense of fear, of foreboding. I feel panicky and just plain scared. Those vague feelings begin slowly to crystallise and take shape.
"I'll never achieve anything in my life, it's too late."
"I have no money in the bank and I should have some."
"I haven't done anything with my life."
"I don't have any real friends."
"I'm alone."
"What's going to happen to me?"
"What will I do if I lose my job? Am I too old to get another one?"
"Will I be old and alone?"
"What if I have a stroke and can't look after myself?"
"Will I be poor and unable to afford a place to live?"
"If I die, have I left anything for my son?"
etcetera, etcetera, etcetera,
It just goes on and on, sometimes for an hour, sometimes for hours but always with the same result; slowly dissipating until I feel I can breath again without trying. In the end, I'm left with a feeling of dread, as though I've just seen a clearer image of my life, unobscured by the fog of my false sense of security. As though that might actually be how my life is. I'm left wondering which image is real.
It also leaves me with a sore gut, like I've been heavily punched.
