As promised here is the second part of this three part story. Again, I apologise to those who have already seen this.

Are we all sitting comfortably? Good then I'll begin....

As we remember from last night, our intrepid hero was just sitting down to watch some telly in the comfort of his own home.

It happened around two A.M. I was watching the "box" and something caught my attention out of the corner of my eye. As we all know (don’t we?), spring is here and the creatures of the night are starting to emerge from their sleep. The possums are about on the roof (that’s a whole other story by the way.) and the bugs are-a-buzzin’ and the creepy things are creeping and the crawly things are crawling. I have to expect that at some time, a few little spoiders are going to start to crawl into the house and that I will need to get some surface spray onto the floors and doors and so on. No big deal though because that is what I do each spring and for the rest of the summer months the house is pretty much bug free. I can live with the odd cockroach and small bug, hell I lived in Cairo where the ‘roaches are a big as poodles and bring their friends for house parties. Aussie roaches are a breeze compared to them.

This thing was not a roach. I had thought it must be because of the size and colour…but it wasn’t. I got up and went over to have a look and plan the kill (hey, I get bored!). It was a spoider, a big, black house spoider the size of which I have only ever seen once before ( another story entirely.) I ran straight to the cupboard and forgot about anything fancy or involved, I just wanted to get it killed- it was huge. OK, so it wasn’t like the ones in the movie that were ten feet across, it was maybe five inches ( FIVE Gabby, FIVE inches of ugly!) but it was…well, yuck!

The spray did the job and I was calm again. Then another one! It was an invasion I tell you! More spray and it was gone too. So was the spray.

What do I do if the third one ( they always come in threes yeah?) ventures in? The second one was smaller and was probably the mate of the first one, I hoped they had no offspring. I didn’t sleep much that night because as we all know: "they mostly come at night…mostly."

My first order of business the next day was to purchase bug spray, lots and lots of it. I wanted the toughest, meanest, most potent and dangerous stuff in the shop - and I got it.

This brings me to the point of this whole, sorry tale. BUG SPRAY! I have discovered that the spray works well on bugs and incidently, on us as well. I got this exterior spray for the doors and windows and decided that it should be used on the interior frames as well. <DO NOT DO THIS. I should have read the directions and warnings on the can before hand.<DO THIS. But I am a man and we don’t.

Having just sprayed every opening in the house as well as the nooks and crannies, I began to feel a bit ill. Just a bit. When spraying the door frames and the window frames, I had of course reached up to get the top parts as well as I could (they walk upside-down you know.) and the spray had fallen all over me like a cloud of radioactive fallout. I paid no attention because I am a man and we don’t. Then I began to cough a little. Just a little.

Soon, my nose was dripping like a half closed tap and my throat was aflame. My eyes (my beautiful eyes!) were red and watering profusely. It began to dawn on me that something was not right. I am not the brightest apple on the tree and it takes a while for me to "get it" as anyone who has ever told me a joke would know.

I began to cough very violently and to sneeze. My eyes by this time were just running with liquid and I was glad I had a nearly full box of tissues because I had a lot to keep up with.

That was when the ‘phone rang. Sorry Iveta, but I didn’t answer it. Did call you back though eh? Tuesday, lunch; Got it.

Anyway back to the story. I won’t tell you all where else the fluids were draining from, suffice is to say that spoiders do not die a pretty death. Not that I will stop killing them, I will just have a bit more sympathy for them...while they die.

In the next thrilling installment: watch astonished as our hero finds god and fabled Jade Monkey, buried for centuries in his own back yard, sees all the colours of the rainbow in living LSD enhanced colour and does battle with his own mortal fears. Part trois, tomorrow.