Chiron's MindSay Blog

My life as a cabbage

wylddaze — 2004-10-24T03:10:18-05:00

Well, this is my entree to "Blogg Land". I am a newbie so be gentle... I have a gun and I can find you.

So, what to say.. there isn't much I need to say really. I only found this site because my son CJ is on it and invited me to read. I am glad he did because it's one of the very few ways you can find out what is in your childs' head. My son is a great bonus in my life, I feel priveleged to be his father. I am sure he doesn't always feel the same about me but that is loife. I remember when I was his age and felt all the loneliness and insecurity that brought. I remember when I felt like the world was going too fast for me and that I couldn't keep up or make any kind of a difference. The world is a huge machine that rolls on and on with out any head of us mere humans, we can't change the way people think or the way people use resources or the way they abuse each other... but we can change the way we deal with others and slowly that will change the world. Every ant in

the nest lifts and carries what it can and eventually the tree is gone.

I have lived a long time and been through a lot, that makes me glad because there isn't much that can surprise me now, although my reactions to things sometimes do. Take for example last night. Now I don't go out much these days because I can't really afford to, but last night an old flame asked me to a party.. I went and had a really great time and was quite surprised because I hadn't really expected to. I had expected that I would have a fairly ordinary night and not meet anyone very interesting but spend some time with a great friend and share a few laughs. In the event though, I ended up meeting a couple of really nice people ( one in particular), sharing some good humour and catching up with a mate I hadn't seen for several years. Why did I think I wouldn't want to go? Why did I try to avoid this one night of fun and games? Was I just trying to avoid life? Hmmm, I think so. Not like my old self at all, I used to go to anything that was on, open a bottle of whisky and I would be there to welcome it.

Anyway, I am glad I found this site (thanks Chris) and will poist more soon.

My life as a bean.

wylddaze — 2004-10-27T06:10:21-05:00

Well what does one say? I had a great weekend and it is shaping up to be a great week.. well it's half over but that is not the point. Last Saturday night I went to a great party with a dear friend and had a blast. Stayed sober although it was a stretch. then on Monday night I went to a function where my son some of his classmates and friends did all the cooking and it was superb! He is quite the chef and they all did a very professional job, food arrived on the tables in time and hot (or cold as the case may be) We were all mighty impressed. Tonight, to top it off he went to get his learners permit and got it. OMG .. my boy will be driving... I'd better put out a press release and warn people.

In the meantime I got prodded by my long time associate last night to get off my duff and actually start making the calls and trying to get my business on the road.. so today, I did. I made a couple of calls and enquiries that I should have made ages ago and voila, things are on track. My little nightclub is actually moving along at last and I feel like I did someting today. It's a funny thing that when I am not doing things I get lazy and can't get motivated and yet once I start I get so focussed I don't want to do anything else.

Well I hope I can get something done tomorrow too, in fact I hope we all can. Bye

My life as a ligtning bolt

wylddaze — 2004-11-02T01:11:46-05:00

What a day! I have to say that I hope I never forget this afternoon as long as I have left to live. OK, so what was so dramamtic? Well, actually it was such a simple thing, it proves the rule that the simplest things in life are the most special. I couldn't have engineered it to happen or bribed it or set about making it happen, it just did and it was beyond my control.

I got home about 8 a.m. from work and had a bite to eat before going to bed. I had a lot to do this afternoon and wanted to get up around 2 to start. I crashed fairly quickly and slept like the dead ( as I am want to do) only to be woken at about 2 o'clock by the sound of thunder! What a perfect way to wake up, snug as a bug ( a very big ugly, bug) in my nice warm bed, refreshed and awake with sounds of rain on the window above my head and the distant roll of thunder in the background. Things like that aren't made, they just have to happen. I got up after a while and had the shower and cuppa and then the storm really hit hard, I stood in the window with my cuppa, watching the rain pelt down all around. the trees were so unused to hard rain (it's been a while) they were swaying to and fro in their dry soil beds. I thought for a moment we would lose one or two. The trees are atill standing and windows are clean.

My son called a while later to tell me that the rain on his side of town had come down as hail and that he had been caught in it while riding his bike home. The little hero has always liked riding in the rain and was quite happy to get drenched while riding home on the back of my Harley one afternoon in the rain. I had thought he was telling me to slow down so I did, and asked him if he was alright. He was about 12 at the time and I thought he must be misreable on the back of the bike in the pelting rain, wet as a drowned rat. He asked me why I had slowed down, he had been singing! Well, while others cowered in the shelter this afternoon, my little hero rode on through the rain and hail and slush just like the postal service.

In the mean time I did all my errands and had my lunch and listen still to the rain on the windows, what a perfect day.

C xxxx

My Life As A Mushroom.

wylddaze — 2004-11-03T11:11:09-05:00

Ladies and Germs,

G Dubya has won re-election - Prepare for World War III. You know it's coming don't you?

My Life in Darkness.

wylddaze — 2004-11-13T10:11:06-05:00

In my life I have known fear. When a drug dealer pointed his new pistol at my head and giggled like an idiot, I was afraid. I was more afraid when a cop pointed his gun in my face - he had sweat running down his forehead and scared men do hasty things. When I crashed my bike and was stuck under it with petrol dripping in front of my face, I was afraid. Speeding along at over 250 KPH on the highway, I knew fear; But nothing grips your heart with a cold clamy hand like seeing your only child in a hospital bed.

On Friday I got a call from my sons' mother that he was going to hospital because the "bug" he has had all week is probably appendicitis and he needs an emergency operation. The fear that settled on me then, was like a wet blanket on a cold day. It came like it knew me, the way a stranger shouldn't know you, as if it had watched me from a distance for a long time. I had never seen it before in reality, only in my imagination the way we all see our dark fears. It came to me and settled not on my shoulder but in me, on my heart.

It has left now, the boy is leaving the hospital today but is still sick. It wasn't the appendix at all although it was inflamed. It appears to be a virus of unknown origin... for the moment. I have faith in the medical system, it will be beaten. The fear I felt is sitting not far away, on a branch in my mind. The longer I don't look at it the farther away it gets but it is there none-the-less, waiting like some dark bird quiet and still with hidden eyes gleaming.

How is it that this thing could know me so well? Do they stalk us silent and unseen all the time? Are we all walking around with these fears in line behind us untill one day by some fashion they stand before us and calmly move upon us? This nasty, evil thing is known now and will not again be a stranger to me. It will not easily surprise me again, I know it now, it is no stranger to me, just another fear.

My Life as a bitch.

wylddaze — 2004-11-20T03:11:00-05:00

People of Earth, I have a gripe! I am a little curious, no make that really curious about how it is OK to shake the hand and smile in the face of one merciless oppressor and yet then to accuse another less merciless (more merciful?) dictator of murder and violence and then attack his country?

This is my major malfunction people.... On the one hand we have China, a mighty and violent country run by a group of imperialist aggressors who subject their own people to oppression and invade neighbouring countries and murder and pillage for all they're worth. We in the west, seem to think that this is OK with us and we do business with these people on a grand scale. The main reason I can find for this, is that China is a massive market place, that on the one hand provides us with an enormous market potential and on the other hand provides us with cheap labour for all our manufacturing needs. Does that make it OK with you?? It doesn't for me! The people of Tibet have been abused, pillaged and killed for 60 years, suffering at the hands of these murderers, while the whole world turns it's back on them and walks quietly away whistling into the air and pretending we didn't see a thing.

The Chinese are a lovely people but their government is repressive and evil. We must make a stand people or they will keep going and one day fulfill their stated aim of "bringing the west to it's knees."

IT IS NOT OK TO BUY GOODS MADE IN CHINA!

If those same goods had been made in Iraq or north Korea, we wouldn't buy them would we? Of course not, there are trade embargos in place to stop us. Lobby your local member of government to make a stand on these issues and show the money hungry private sector that they cannot over rule our morals for their profits. the governments of the U.S, Australia and the UK have folded their deck chairs and left the field of battle to the business interests. These are the same business interests by the way, who make a zillion dollars profit from the war in Iraq by grabbing rebuilding contracts and oil production shares from the US government. NB: I say the government not the people.

If you are lucky enough to live as I do, in a free (-ish) and democratic country then make your voices heard, make a protest to your local representative and stand up for the freedoms the Chinese and Tibetan peoples deserve and are denied. Do not forget Tien-En-Mihn square, do not forget Tibet and do not forget your morals.

The people of the U.S, Australia and the U.K are better than this aren't we? Surely we aren't all just profit motivated.

OK, that's my personal bitch for the day.

My Life in Micro

wylddaze — 2004-11-25T04:11:23-05:00

Hey, have you ever worried just for the hell of it? Lately I have been worrying about something that might not even happen. I won't ellaborate here because it might happen and then everyone would already know about it.. well at least you, the readers would. On the other hand it might not happen and then I'll look like a total twat.

I used to have anxiety attacks brought on by an ulcer. It seems that when your body knows it's in trouble it gets nervous, even when you, the pilot know nothing about it. So if your insides are in trouble, you get a warning from the subconcious which is pretty useless since you can't actually look at a screen and find the trouble anyway.

So lately I have been having them again but this time I know I don't have an ulcer - last time I felt the pain but wouldn't go see a doctor in case it was something serious... go figure - so I'm worrying that there might be something wrong in there again. Trouble is I can't sleep or eat or anything because I feel so nervous all the time. At least this time I am going to see a quack and find out. I guess even I have to face my fears sometime eh?

I bring this up because I have realised I am not afraid of dying. quite the opposite, I am afraid of having to live with something I can't cope with. Dying wouldn't be hard, everyone does it and you really have no say in it unless you do it yourself. I have never really been a DIY kind of die-er though, I figure it is up the road somewhere.

Maybe I'm just rambling on and should shut up now. In other news, I got a hair cut at long last! First one in seven years by golly. WooHooo I hear you all say... well, not so fast Mr bond. I got a very um, different kind of style. It's like a samurai sort of affair with very short hair all over the top, front and sides and a really long braid at the back from a small circle of long hair that remains after the buzz cut. I'll post a pic when I can get one.

So cheers all and remember, dying isn't the hard part, living is.

My Life as an Idiot!

wylddaze — 2004-11-27T05:11:30-05:00

Well, it's official.. I'm an idiot. Sarah, I didn't mean to harsh your buzz, life is good and I am happy every second I'm here. I didn't mean life isn't great, just that there are tougher things than dying.

Anyway, the proof that I am an idiot is in the following story, please be patient while I explain the basics. Your blood flows through you at a certain pressure and it should be moderate, not high or low. When you get your blood pressure checked (and you should!) it is read as one number over another number. These are: the high pressure reading - when your heart is pumping, over the low pressure reading - when your heart is relaxing. The low pressure number is the important one really because when your heart is relaxed, all your blood vessels and arteries relax too, it's the only break they get, no holidays for the organs you know. So, when your low reading is about 80 that's a good thing, when it's below or above that it's not very good. High blood pressure can result in strokes and blindness as well as heart failure and liver and kidney failure. None of these are good things.

So here is the stuff; Mine has been above 110 for some years and I have tried lots of things to bring it down, unsuccessfully. A couple of weeks ago I started taking meds to lower it and was told it would take 6-8 weeks to bring it down to a good level. No probs, I was happy. last week, I started having trouble seeing properly and was unable to get a clear focus and was having very bad headaches around the eyes. Then I started having anxiety attacks that lasted for hours and was unable to sleep. This was followed by nausea and a general feeling of "shit, what have I eaten?" I'm poisoned!

My apologies to Hogs' Breath Cafe at this point, there was nothing wrong with your food at all

About this time, I start to get really worried, my son has just been to hospital for emergency "cutting open and throwing out bad bits" and I figure this is my turn, 'cos if bad things happen to good people imagine what could happen to a bad one! I was really scared I was going blind and didn't know what the hell I would do if I did. Ever wonder how many things you wouldn't be able to do without the optical instruments in your head? Driving would be a be-atch and forget blogging.

Anyway, quite by chance I went past the place where I go to get my P/B checked every week - like I'm ordered to by my quack - and I drop in to get it checked out to see if these pills are having any effect so early. Remember it's only been about 11 days now out of 6-8 weeks.

HOLY MACADAMIA NUTS! it is perfect. my B/P is like 130 over 84... it's never been that good. It's dropped from 110 to 84 in just over a week, tha's like parachuting but without the parachute.

Then my technician asks if I'd had any side effects. Side effects? what side effects?

Well, anything like headaches around the eyes, nausea, anxiety, spots in front of your vision.....

Oh, thoooose side effects. And you say the leaflet the doctor gave me would have explained all this?

WELL? Do any of you ever read that stuff? I don't. I will from now on though, that was one scary-as-fuck week! My new friend (the technician) and I have decided I might go back to the quack this week and get a lower doseage, what do you think?

Now for those that know me, please don't bag me out for this, it was an honest mistake... any idiot would have done the same thing, I'm sure.

Now I urge you all to visit purgatory s' blogg and read about the Anthropomorphic Personification of Life ... then imagine your son is giving you this theory on an empty stomach over lunch. I always wanted my boy to be smart, I just didn't think it would go this far. I blame the mother.

My Life - Blessed.

wylddaze — 2004-11-28T02:11:01-05:00

We Are So Blessed

If you woke up this morning with more health than illness, you are more blessed than the million who will not survive the week.

If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture or the pains of starvation, you are ahead of 500 million people around the world.

If you can express your beliefs without fear of harassment, arrest, torture, or death, you are more blessed that almost three billion people in the world.

If you have food in your refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof over your head and a place to sleep, you are richer than 75% of this world.

If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish someplace, you are among the top 8% of the worlds wealthy.

If your parents are still married and alive, you are very, very rare.

If you hold up your head with a smile on your face and are truly thankful, you are blessed because while the majority can, but most do not.

If you can hold someone's hand, hug them or even touch them on the shoulder, you are blessed because you can offer loves' healing touch.

If you own just one holy book, you are abundantly blessed. 1/3 of the world does not have access to even one.

If you can read this message, you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world that cannot read anything at all.

My Life as a Spectator.

wylddaze — 2004-11-30T02:11:14-05:00

I say "my life as a spectator" because sometimes that's how I feel. About a year ago I noticed my PC ( we call her "mother" ) wouldn't start up. I figured this was just another Windows Special Effect and I just wait for a while and have a coffe while it gets ready to join the rest of the class, go back and push the re-start button. It all works remarkably well and for the last year that's been the process. I get up, start mother, go make a coffe, have a shower, get dressed, start mother again and we're ready for the emails. Simple, yes?

Well, this week mother has changed her mind... now she wakes up and gets into it first try every time. I haven't touched anything ( I swear) and yet it all works properly.... see- I am a spectator.

Speaking of which, although I had a good offer to go about the neighbourhood hurling paint and pinapples at the locals, I chose instead today, to go to an exhibition of photography with my son - more spectating. It never ceases to amaze me that the boy is so full of intelligent and insightful observations. I keep forgetting, he has his mothers' intellect (thank god!). It was a really good afternoon since I don't get to spend as much time as I used to with him. He has his own friends and life now that he's in his late teens and so his dad isn't the only friend he can go and do social things with anymore.

Tip for any parents out there, enjoy the activities you have with your kids while you can, when they grow up and get their own social lives, you won't see nearly as much of them as you would like. You'll miss them like you will miss your knees when they go.

Speaking of which, dude, lighten up you really have to get over the whole "Ebola Zaiire" thing. We all live with the knowledge that life is fragile and we could be killed at any time by any number of things... but EBOLA??? Seriously, you have more chance of being kicked to death by a whale! get it? that's funny 'cos of the whole whale thing today... hehehe ( in-joke folks sorry, it's a secret.)

Anyway,

g'night peoples of the world and be of good cheer,

for we can shop

and christmas is near.

My Life as The Proud Father.

wylddaze — 2004-12-05T03:12:16-05:00

Hello to the world at large... and it is large (but getting smaller every day). I have recently had an eye opening experience I would like to share with the group. My son went to have his eyebrow peirced. It is my long held belief that the body you live in should reflect the person who lives in it and that art should play a part in this.

I have several peircings myself and a tattoo or two and still manage to be quite a respectable person who lives and works in a mainstream life style. In fact to look at me you wouldn't believe the things I'm into or the things I have done.

That said, I have always thought my son was a very mainline, very middle- of-the-road sort of guy, I never thought he would actually do the eyebrow thing! The really good part was that after his friends found out he was going some of them decided to come too. I like the fact that he has some very good and not so ordinary friends who would take the opportunity to do something a little out of the ordinary. I like his friends and I like his choice of them.

Well, they were all very brave sitting in the waiting room as one after the other went in to have their tongue,eyebrow or navel peirced and I must say I was very happy for them. It was an honour to have been invited to attend and they all aquitted themselves very well indeed, what a brave bunch. Boys, I'm sure you'll be able to talk properly soon... I hope. As for the girls, well, they were very tough too and didn't back out at the last minute (as I thought one of them might - that would be "Duckie" who got very quiet towards her turn but went through with it anyway... brave girl.) Both the ladies scored lovely bejewelled navels and they looked gorgeous, as women do.

The more of my sons friends I meet, the nicer his group of mates appears to be. they are a very diverse group and each have their own foibles -Sammikins I'm looking at you here and no, I am not buying you stuff!-

If you can judge a man by the company he keeps, then my son at 17 is a very well balanced and centered young man with a lot of good qualities... and one or two strange twists.... Sarah yes, you're one of the twists.

So I end the week proud and happy. Thanks world for being my audience.

My Life as a Pauper.

wylddaze — 2004-12-06T01:12:34-05:00

People of Earth, I have another gripe.

Did you ever do something you knew you would regret but just had to do anyway? Well I did that today.. well last night actually ( 03:00) but since I was at work it was kind of my "day". So I have known for a week that I would have to get the finances sorted out this week and last night was the appointed hour. I sat down at my desk with a coffee and started to unfold the various bits of paper and read the accounts payable sections and what do you know?

Now I am pretty good at paying the bills, even when there isn't enough money but this month has me stumped. The way it works is that each week I calculate what I earn and what the bills are and what I need to actually purchase food etc and then I make the numbers work together in a kind of ballet untill there is a whoosh of air and everything settles into a magical kind of harmony. Well, that's not quite how it works but you get the picture right?

This month I have a couple of unusual bills to pay. There is a licence renewal ( no my american friends, that is not mispelled, it's english) and a registration renewal for the car and also... wait for it... a "rates" bill for the house. Now a rates bill is for the water, electricity and sewage connections to your house. As these are supplied by the local council, you have to pay for them and their upkeep. That is all well and good but what I don't get is why they have put the rates up by almost 40% this year!!! Has the quality of the water gone up by 40%? Has the quality of the electricity I use gone up by 40%? Has the quality of the sewage... ok well, let's not go there. The point is that not only do we pay rates for these services we also get a seperate bill every three months for the same stuff! That's right people, we also get billed four times a year for the water, electricity and sewage lines. So I ask myself now, what the hell am I paying rates for and why have they suddenly become more expensive? Did My wages go up 40% this year??? Cash prize for the first correct answer.

Well, I have decided that since the expenses this month outweigh the income by a factor of two to one, I am not paying the rates!!!! DO YOU HEAR THAT GUMBYMENT OFFICALS??? I - AM - NOT - PAYING. so there. Fuck you and fuck the donkey you rode in on.

* puts thumbs to ears and blows raspberry while making finger wavey movement *

I don't want to end this blog on a sad and angry note so here is my favourite christmas quote:

"I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner."

hehehe now that's funny!

My Life in The Gloom.

wylddaze — 2004-12-07T12:12:02-05:00

Dear readers,

I have to tell you something as a "depressee". Knowing that the disease is in you and not a part of you makes a lot of difference. Especially when the gloom descends upon you, it is helpful to remember that you are being affected by something outside of your control and that it is not you that is feeling down for no reason but a "thing" that is attacking you. It may not be physical but it is real. It is the enemy and you must fight it, if you don't, it wins and you lose - everything.

We have things in common you and I, (not looking at anyone in particular here... but you know who you are) I used to "cut" too when I was in my teens. I think it was because I wanted someone to take notice. Of course no one ever did.

Be of good cheer little friend and resist the urge to drink it away. I tried that and it doesn't work, it just makes things worse and you'll know what I mean if you've ever woken up in a pool of your own vomit and blood.

Did you know that depression (or melancholia as I preffer to call it) is just rage turned inwards instead of outwards. "Rage at what" you ask. Well, it can affect people that way when the family just doesn't seem to care about you and doesn't seem to want to do anything but make rules for you to follow. There are many reasons why children develop this rage, sometimes it's mental abuse sometimes it's physical abuse and sometimes it comes from being made to feel ignored or valueless.

In an experiment in the 80s three groups of lab rats were placed in isolation and treated in different ways. One group were given lots of good food and played with and had interaction with each other. The second group were given little food, handled roughly and kept in dirty cages. The third group were given food and water and clean cages but had no interaction with others or with the handlers.

All the rats in groups one and two thrived. All the rats in group three became nuerotic, nervous, even psychotic and starved, even though there was food for them to eat. The lesson here is that even rats will develop melancholia if they aren't given some kind of love; even if the love is harsh and mean.

So this being the season of love and joy, share the love people! Talk to people you might not ordinarily talk to and really mean it. I know a couple of guys who go out to malls every christmas and give away chrissy cards they've written greetings in, to perfect strangers. Well, as perfect as any stranger can be... after all no one's perfect. While you're at it remember this, more people will suicide at this time of year than any other because they are lonely and sad, you can't help them all but have a toast in their honour when you're with your families.

HO HO HO... no not you, the other one.

My Life in Curiosity.

wylddaze — 2004-12-09T12:12:50-05:00

Hello peeps of the world.

I hope your day has gone as well as mine. My day started with a sleep in (as it's one of my days off) and then a nice loooong shower and lunch with a dear friend - just lunch, not the shower as well - whom I used to date. There is something very spesh about having lunch with someone you've been intimate with. I don't know why but there is. Pity she's married really.

I want to ask a question today boys and girls. Why is it that while we all aspire to being special and unique the majority of people seem to preffer conformity over individual expression. In order to get a good job (say as a lawyer) you have to conform to a particular kind of dress standard and hair cut and facial hair styandards and then when it comes time to interview you, they ask you what it is about you that makes you different. WTF? Obviously nothing, You have the same haircut as every other guy in the building, the same suit and the same clean shave... what do they think is going to be different about the way you think? My conclusion: prolly not a lot.

Conversely, when a "popstar" goes all out and gets the hair from hell, the magazines are all over it like flies (good analogy) and the fans can't get enough! Fans seem to identify with a performer based on their look as well as their music. Sex appeal has a lot to do with this and would explain why Marylin Mansons' fans are from every walk of life and gender. It doesn't explain why most of Kylie Minogues' fans are teenage girls and middle aged men, while teenaged boys don't buy her CDs at all.

It is my belief that the great spirit (call it god or whatever you like) made us all different, with different talents and abilities and that was because he/she wants us to explore the boundaries and be as different as possible, to great ourselves into works of art. Of course this would make any kind of uniform a sin and that would mean no armies or police which would end in utter and complete freedom for all...ahem, I mean chaos of course.

That said, we all seem to preffer to conform and be "normal". What a betrayal of this great gift we have for individuality. What if we were all like possums and had the same colours and the same hair cut and clothes... not that possums wear clothes but you get my drift right?

What a terrible fate to be all the same, I couldn't imagine it myself. The real question here is: although we do vary a little bit from one another in terms of minor differences like hair cuts and clothes, we all seem to be afraid of anything that is a little different; why? Take for example a friend of mine some years ago who when she first saw my "mohawk" said she couldn't look at me. She was only joking at the time but I knew that deep down she was really having trouble accepting me because of a hairstyle. How silly and yet one wonders where this comes from?

In an experiment on pigeons, the researchers stuck a "crown" of red feathers on an ordinary grey ( gray for our american friends) pigeon and waited to see if the females would react. They did, and the newly crowned grey suddenly became the most popular mate in the aviary. Why is it that humans react the opposite way? Are we just afraid of anything that is a little too different? Do we mistrust someone who appears not to be like us? Is this the whole reason for racism? Chimpanzees, it must be said do exactly the same thing. If a member of another group wanders over to theirs, they are likely to kill it or run it off into the bushes. They will, however abduct potential mates from another group and induct them by choice into their own group. Not unlike many humans, they are very picky about who joins their little "tribe". What is it that scares them about "foreigners" and is this applicable to us?

A more important question is: if I wear a crown of red feathers, will girls like me more? Why don't I have a girlfriend anyway? Is it my hair? My breath? Or is it that I'm foreign?

So, in conclusion, my question to you is... should I cut my hair?

My Life in Menu Form.

wylddaze — 2004-12-12T02:12:35-05:00

Amuse Bouche:

There must be a good reason to have a title like this in my blog. I just can't think of one.

Soup:

Every blog needs a title and this is as good as anything else I have come up with.

Entree:

I actually have no idea why that is the title, I just thought it up and liked it so there. I am feeling odd today. I found out my boy was in a car crash the other day and that got me rankled (good word eh?) Gemma..... grrrrr you endagered my son and worse, Bella! No really it is a bad thing to drive too close to someone in the rain... spaaaaace get some spaaaaace.

Sorbet:

Driving in the rain requires patience and observation.

Main:

I have to apply for some jobs today and I am trying to put it off because it drives me nuts. They ask the applicants (or as I like to call them: Replicants.) to respond to various selection criteria using specific examples of personal experience.

Example:

Selection criterion 1: Must bring to the workplace the ability to influence in a positive manner, the team and the processes by which the team promulgates effective work solutions in the broader area network.

My response: WTF?! and yes, can I have fries with that please?

Sorbet:

Anyway do we really need wombats?

Dessert:

So in conclusion I have to get on now and do these wretched applications so I can better provide for my family and influence the broader area family network that is my life. If anyone can explain to me what any of the above selection criterion means, I would be grateful.

Cheese & Fruit plate:

Someone offered me a shcizoid chicken today. That was really lovely of you as I love chickens but I don't think I could eat a whole one.- this is a lie as I know I can - Which brings me to the question.. If you buy a schizophrenic chicken.. are you getting two for the price of one? Also, if you date a person who has Mutliple Personality Disorder (I thought it would be easier to spell), are you cheating on one of the personalities?

On another note, I caught up with an old girl friend today... she ran and ran but I caught up with her.

Brandy:

This is all rather silly today because I've got nothing to say that really means anything. I'm just bloging around. Hope you've all enjoyed dinner and thanks sarah for being the only person in the world who seems to like my hair the way it is. Although... you haven't seen it lately have you?

Muahahahahahahahahahahaha

My Life as sadness.

wylddaze — 2004-12-23T04:12:17-05:00

Have you ever wondered how we justify it? I don't mean to dampen the holiday spirit or anything but I have been thinking quite a lot lately and some of it hasn't been good.

Think about this... we spend (in the generic "west" ) billions of dollars every year going into outer space. OK, we don't go into space as such but we send stuff there and a few people as well. Now it costs as little as 5 dollars to repair a childs eyes from preventable diseases. So if we spent just one years' space travel-allowance on eye disease in developing countries... we could actually erradicate preventable childhood blindess!

Now consider this... how many of us will actually see any tangible results from space travel? Considering that none of us get any actual benefit from space travel and few of us will ever actually participate in it... what fucking good is it really?! On the other hand, in a beautiful twist of irony, what if the man/woman who one day invents a method of travelling between planets and even dimensions, cheaply and quickly is one of those little blind kiddies. He/she never learned to read or write, go to university or study quantum physics 101 and never invented anything because he/she went blind from cataracts in 2001 at the age of four.

We could have done it ladies and gentlemen... we could have saved the human race (who, incidentally all perished in the great meteor hit of 2022) but for the fact that we spent 5 lousy dollars on a fuel crossover switch for the fucking space shuttle instead of investing it in the future of our race! Oh woe is us, our pitiful cries in the dark void of cold space. We who couldn't prioritise our finances, woe I say woe!

I say we all should be a little more interested in how our gumbyments spend our cashola. I never voted to send a bunch of spiders into space or to study the effects of microgravity on fungi. How come my money went to space? HUH? How come? Do they know something we don't? What the hell is soooo all important about space anyway? What is up there that is of any real meaning to us down here? Maybe more than we are being told? Maybe something we should be afraid of? Maybe my doctor is right and I really am paranoid?

Mebe.

And mebe not.

Mebe we'll never know.

Mebe some of us already do and aren't telling.

Mebe I'm talking shite now.

Mebe not.

In other gnus, I have decided I want a girlfriend; Nothing too serious just some fun and maybe some good times.

Applicants must be alive, female and roughly humanoid. Good posture will be considered an advantage although not a requirement for the position. Please send a short resume and covering note to this address listing any relevant details of past relationships and any refferences you may be able to supply.

Remmuneration for this position will be commensurate with skills and will include normal use of the passenger side seat in my Mercedes sports coupe and some use of the drivers and rear seats. Also the successful applicant ( or replicant - we are an equal opportunity employer ) will enjoy the benefits of a refined lifestyle including fine dining and entertainments such visits to art galleria and musea as well as some travel.

Applicants should also include a full body nude photo and be prepared to undergo some training and a probationary trial period.

Thank you, that is all. - now Sarah get off my back! -

My Life in The Family.

wylddaze — 2004-12-26T03:12:22-05:00

So there we all are at Christmas.. my family. The Family. It is kinda weird because we all don't actually talk to each other much during the year but at this time of year we all get together to sit and drink and talk. My parents, the godmother, my sister (the other one never comes) and my neices with -so far- one boyfriend and of course, my son.

I made egg-nog and antipasto and there were cold meats and salads and much beer and stuff. it was all very good. As usual I didn't bring presents because I feel that it spoils the whole "Christmas" thing. I think it should just be for family and gathering and such. I did get my son a gift and he got me one (fabulous! Sopranos seasons 3 and 4) and my parents did the usual thing and got me bottles of booze. I don't actually drink often so they will go into the cupboard in the kitchen with the other ten bottles. Nice thought though.

It was all very nice and everyone had fun and that is kind of odd because most years we all kind of pretend to but never actually talk about anything. I liked this years' Christmas, I hope you did too.

Merry Christmas everyone.

My Life in Shock and Awe.

wylddaze — 2004-12-27T03:12:03-05:00

The army talked of "shock and awe" when we invaded Iraq. There was nothing there to match the shock and awe of the tsunamis that have just hit Thailand, India,Sri lanka, Africa and Indonesia.

In Sri Lanka, the ocean moved 2 kilometres inland. Can you iamgine that? The sea just covered two kilometres of land sweeping away whole villages. In India no one even knows how many are gone. Entire fishing communities have just gone.

The east coast of Africa has been swamped by a wave that started in Indonesia.. the other side of the ocean!

The preliminary death toll stands at 12,000 and they haven't even heard from many communities yet, this could go into 20,000 or more. the scientcy fellow on the news has been saying that the earthquake that started it happened under the sea and that it is likely the sea bed rose about 30 metres; that's a hundred feet for our american and british friends.

I am officially shocked and awed, you may not be a nature freak but you have to respect that kind of power. God help those poor people stuck in their muddy homes with no power, water or medical help for the next few weeks.

My Life in 2005

wylddaze — 2005-01-02T02:01:29-05:00

Well, well well... so that was 2004 eh? Very well then let's just do a little post morten on it shall we?

First of all, I met some fabulous people in 2004 and am very gratefull for their aquaintance. You can't meet too many people I say. I also had a bit of a scare in 2004 and lost part of the sight in my left eye.. which is good because it scared me into finally giving up smoking. It only took me half a lifetime so I'm pretty happy with that.

People... give up smoking, it can send you blind and you don't get any warning!

2004 also saw me renew some friendships with long lost friends and that is very good because I missed them and now I don't have to. I have so many good friends, it's a real bonus to life to have them as well as everything else.

I didn't do any of the things I promised myself "to do in 2004" so I have simplified the task for this year. My list of new years' resolutions for 2005 are all in the "can't fail" category and are as follows:

1- I will not learn a musical instrument.

2- I will put on weight.

3- I will not get into an excercise programme.

4- I will take up smoking again.

5- I will not get involved with anyone new.

6- I will not start any new businesses.

7- I will not get any new tattoos or peircings.

8- I will not be a nicer person to idiots!

9- Did I already say no more tat's?

10- I will not eat healthier.

11- I will not be a better father.

12- I will not be more successful.

13- I will not do any charity work at all.

14- I will not make any more resolutions to put before the U.N.

There now, that feels much better.

As for the party on NYE, well what can I say? My home was invaded by space monkeys. I decided that my boy is 17 now and should be able to start throwing his own parties and that I should let him take more responsibility for his life. I expected him to have a bunch of responsible friends and that they would have a civilised time. It would be a great step into his impending manhood to be able to entertain his friends and throw a NYE party.

How wrong could I Have been???? Space monkeys people! Everywhere I looked, space monkeys.

Nah! I'm kidding, they were really good and very mature about the way they partied. Even the neighbours haven't complained.. actually they won't even look me in the eyes which is odd. Even stranger is that next doors Rottweiller who used to bark and growl at me, now looks at the ground and creeps silently away from me... what's with that Scotty?

But seriously, I expected the house to be a complete pigs breakfast and the police to be there when I got home, none of the above. I walked into the house at a quarter past midnight (after work) and found a bunch of youngsters sitting around chatting with some music on (not even loud!) yes, they kept me awake ( I had to be back at work at 0800 on new years' day) all night with their talking but then what did I expect from them?

When I got home that afternoon the house was cleaned and tidied... colour me stunned, I expected to spend hours cleaning up!

I know that I am an optimist to expect that there was not fooling around but they are of legal age and they behaved like grown ups... they are grown ups in fact.

Have a wonderful 2005 everyone.

Oooh I almost forgot, a special thanks to the special little space monkeys who cleaned up after the NYE party... muwah!

My Life in Silent Contemplation.

wylddaze — 2005-01-05T12:01:58-05:00

So I am sitting here trying to think of something to write and nothing, but nothing comes up. This is very unusual for me as anyone who knows me will tell you, I can talk the ears off corn. I am sure "girlsrule" and "purgatory" will freely attest to this. I can write crap about anything and make it sound soooo profound and deep but this week I have a problem.

The trouble ( I won't say problem ) is that the incredible mess left behind by these massive Tsunamis everywhere, makes anything I have to say feel and look tiny and insignificant. How trite of me to even say that! I am now complaining because these disasters have made my opinions redundant and futile. Pathetic, I need therapy, I really do have a problem.

When I say I have a "problem" I mean that in the feintest possible way. I don't really have any problems, I live in a nice cottage and have a nice car and a nice little life with most of my health, most of my teeth and some would say, reasonable looks. I actually have no real problems at all. I say this repeatedly because I have recently been brought to the realisation that no matter what happens to me I have no problems. If I get cancer and it is terminal, I have no problem. If I lose my sight, I have no problem. If I fall and break my back and am paralysed... I still have no problem; and do you know why? Because in a street in Bangladesh some poor guy with the same affliction has no public health care, no friends to care, no "network" to look after him and no government funds to rely on for food and shelter. If he lives on the curb and scrounges for food, no one is there to help him. Even when you live in the U.S. and are homeless you are better off than that.

I do not write this now to make us all feel the collective guilt of the wealthy. I am saying these things only because I need to better appreciate what I have and to be more grateful to the almighty for it all. I do not feel guilty because I have so much, I give what I can to the have-nots and I will give more when I have it.

I say it because with all this death and destruction about the world, we need to clearly focus on what a problem really is. Lift up your faces, smile at each other and celebrate your lives. If no wave came to your world, if no water washed away your loved ones then be glad and grateful.

If the water took someone you love, washed away your life or took a friend from your gaze then I can only offer you my heartfelt condolence and my prayers. My heart goes out to the families and the friends. I have a friend who is over there now, working away at disaster relief and I want to volunteer to go too but can't afford to be away from work. I admire you Kim for your ability to get the job done, I just feel helpless.

So, anyone out there feel like they have a problem?

My Life as an Eye Model

wylddaze — 2005-01-07T03:01:22-05:00

Big day today as I had my photo taken. Now before you all start cringeing and making the "ewww" sound it was not That sort of photo session, I was fully clothed. In fact the only things photographed were the insides of my eye balls. Pretty gross you all think? Well, no actually is was pretty cool, I now know what the back of my eyes looks like and they're kinda noice if I do say so myself; all pink and orangey and healthy looking.

The best part of the whole thing was when the optical dude said he couldn't see any damage to the retina or the macula and that whatever happened to my eyes took place months ago when I first noticed it. It seems the pills I took to lower my blood pressure caused an allergic reaction ( very very rare ) and the jelly in the eyeball seperated from the retina and took some material with it - like cones and such. So for a few more months I will have these " floaty things" in my vision and hopefully they will clear up after that.

Thus ends three months of fear and worry. I was so elated by this news I went to the pictures and saw "The Incredibles" I love going to pic's and this was a great film. I larfed so hard I gagged on my popcorn. mmmm the buttery, salty goodness of popcorn. In a fit of happiness later, I took a bottle of wine to each of my neighbours to wish them a happy 2005. their reactions were quite funny; They aren't used to seeing me in daylight... being a vampyre an' all.

Let me tell you two of the pluses of living in my suburb. For those of you who don't live in Canberra, Ainslie is a suburb full of tree lined streets and small shopping centres and friendly people. It is also right close to the National Exhibition Centre where the biggest hot rod show in the country is held every year at this time.

+1) I get to see all the cars and

+2) the girls for free 'cos they all go to my local shopping centre for supplies! WooHoo!

In other gnus, applications for the position of "girlfriend" should now all be in and the panel will invite some applicants for interviews shortly. If you haven't sent in your application yet, don't worry we will still accept it up to the end of this week. Response has been strong and so only those chosen to interview for the position will be notified.

I have a question for one reader.... Tattered Rose, who are you and why are you so secretive? Do you think we will bite you? Only if you ask nicey-nicey.

Thank you - that is all.

My Life in Confused Amusement

wylddaze — 2005-01-10T02:01:49-05:00

Yes, that's right folks, I am in confused amusement. Have you ever noticed how walnuts look like small, hard brains? It's true they do.

Also, I am noticing lately that there is a lot of orange about. Mainly in advertising but also in the natural world. Maybe it's just me but I seem to be seeing a lot of things that are orange and also a lot of images in advertising that are blue with orange highlights. Is this a new conspiracy???? Are we being trained to think in terms of what is orange and what is not? Think about it people.

I know what you're thinking but at least I am not boring am I?

OK, so now big ups to sarah for puting me onto this website:

http://thesurrealist.co.uk/slogan

where you too can have your own advertising slogan. Just put in your name or nick-name or as in my case, call sign and you get the resulting slogan.My call sign is :"swamprat", my slogan is: "Please don't squeeze the swamprat"

Not sure about this as I quite like to be squeezed on occasion. If I were a tube of toothpaste I would much rather be squeezed than rolled, wouldn't you?

Note to self: do not write blog when stoned or drunk.

My Life as the Angel of Pain

wylddaze — 2005-01-16T02:01:56-05:00

I must begin with a few kind words today. Firstly, big-ups and much respect to Lory, Sarah, Annabelle and Morgan.

Sarah, well done and much respect for keeping a cool head and for taking the moment to write down the registration number of the car. Even when one of the "deadmen" was trying to cover it up.

Lory, same again for thinking quickly after being punched and kicked, in calling the police.You weren't to know it would be a waste of time. The woman at the house where the assualt took place also called them and they didn't respond to that call either.

Annabelle, what can I say? You know when you look into someones' eyes whether you respect them or not and the first time I met you I knew I could respect you. The events of last night proved me right, you not only didn't fall to bits, you actually threw a punch! Not very lady like but very respectable.

Morgan, what can I say? You're special huni, the streets need to be safer for you.

So last but never least, my boy Purgatory. Who, after being punched to the ground and kicked unconcious has only this to say :" yeh, it could so have been worse man." My son, it will be.. for them.

Those who know me as a friend will tell you I am a good natured guy. The guy who will give what he can to those in need and who will back you up in bar fight. They will tell you I am kind to animals even though I am not an animal lover and that I have a gentle heart.

Those who have been my enemies will tell you a different story. They will tell you of the time I ran them over in my car or the time I broke a bottle into their face. They will tell you I am the Angel of Pain and that my vengeance is merciless. The man whose jaw I broke will mumble something about eating through a straw for six weeks, he still doesn't speak properly. The drug dealer, who held a gun at my head and then fell in pain as the spanner hit the back of his head, won't say much at all.

I have seven new enemies now; the seven little creatures who attacked and assaulted my son and his friends last night. These little creatures punched two teenaged girls and kicked my 16yo son in the head while he was on the ground.

This city should be safe and friendly, it should be the garden the architect who designed it wanted it to be. It used to be safe to walk the streets in a suburb at any time of the night. There was a time when, if you called the police to an assault (especially if there were two different people calling) they turned up! Those days have gone now.

In those days I didn't have the friends I have now.

A final word: To those seven little creatures, I will find you.

My Life in Awe.

wylddaze — 2005-01-24T02:01:59-05:00

I haven't felt much like writting for the last week. Many of you will know why, if you don't, just read the last entry and you'll be up to date.

I have been surprised this week by a couple of things. I was surprised by the fact that the police actually seem to give a crap and that they seem able to follow up on things.

I was surprised by the way a certain person (who shall remain nameless but whose intials are CJ) took control of his anger and chanelled it toward the games he plays online. Of course the many people he killed in cyberspace prolly won't be happy about it but I am.

I have also been surprised by the actions of my friends. You know you have real friends when they stop you from doing something stupid instead of just helping you do it. It is nice to know that when I totally lose it, my friends will help me to have some control. Some others should be happy about that too... for the moment. You know the old saying: " A friend will help you move, a real friend will help you move a body."

Well I think it is just as true that a real friend will help you stop yourself before it gets to that.

In other gnus, my son finally has his first motorcycle. It's gorgeous and I love it too. In fact, I want it back now thanks. I have never ridden a bike that revs so high, let me put this in perspective for you. Your normal car revs at about 3000 revs per minute (RPM) while cruisng at the speed limit on the highway - got it? You average Harley does about the same and so does the average big bike. Most engines will have a maximum RPM about three times the cruising speed revolutions. Soi moist engines will rev up to about 8 or 9 thousand revolutions per minute. Sounds like a lot doesn't it? This little 250 Honda revs out at 18 thousand RPM!!!!

It's like a cross between a Lamborghini and a vibrator.

Anyway, I am much calmer now and much more at peace with the inner spirit, although sometimes I feel like Vesuvius, ready to go at any moment. Maybe I need a dog or a cat to calm my nerves. Don't think I could eat a whole one though.

My Life in synchronicity

wylddaze — 2005-01-28T03:01:53-05:00

Ever heard of Synchronicity? As the name implies, it means when things happen at just right the right time to make something else happen. This week I have a good example of this.

ahem...

When I was a small boy growing up in Germany, my parents decided we should go to see Auschwitz, the concentration camp where many, many people were murdered in WWII. Now forget all the politics and the rumours and the conspiracy theories for a minute, this place is important for many reasons, not least the fact that it was the first example of genocide in the western world. We should also remember that the german people are still embarrased and just as horrified as the rest of the world, by this place and those like it and also because of those who made it happen.

So here is where the story really begins. I was just a sprite at the time, of maybe four - this story is retold from my mothers' version. As we drove towards the place, a thick fog rolled over the entire town and surrounds; this sort of fog is common in winter in this area and was not surprising. My father had lost his bearings and was worried they had missed the turn-off to the entrance and so was gpoing to stop and ask directions (unusual for a man don;t you think?) My mother said not to worry she didn't think they had passed it, it was just ahead.

My father is not one to trust anyone else with anything so important as navigation and so he proceeded to drive on and look for someone to ask directions of.

At some point, my mother says she got a cold shiver and a wave of nausea and said to my father that he should turn off now. He couldn't see any road but thought my mother was going to be sick so he pulled over to the side of the road.

As they stopped and got out of the car, the fog cleared for a few seconds and they saw right in front of them, the front gate to Auschwitz prison camp. My mother said that the whole time they were looking around there, she felt sick and afraid. keep in mind that this was 1964 and it wasn't generally speaking a place to visit. Few people even knew of the real attrocities that went on there as the records had been kept classified untill well after the Nuremberg trials. It has been left exactly as the Russian soldiers found it in 1945 and is still that way now.

Now here is the strange part. In October of last year, a very good friend of mine visited there and sent me a post card. On it she says: "There are no words powerful enough for this!"

I recieved the post card in the mail... this week, the 60th anniversary of the liberation of the prisoners of Auschwitz.

How weird is that? That's synchronicity. Any thoughts?

My Life in Good Conscience

wylddaze — 2005-01-30T05:01:06-05:00

It is time! Time I say! It is time all Australians stood up and took their heads out of their butts and admitted that gumbyments have done some pretty bad things in our name.

We here in Oz, like to think that we haven't actually done very much to anyone in the outside world and that they therefore, shouldn't hate us. The simple facts are that we have done some pretty bad things and we are making a name for ourselves in the world that we might not actually like.

Take as an example the way we treated our "friends" in East Timor. Tweny something years ago when the Indonesians wanted to invade Timor they asked the U.S. if they would object and they said " what do we care we have our hands full in the middle east. Do whatever you like"

Then they asked us if we minded and we said " well no problem really, we don't want to get into an argument with you in case it starts a war and god knows we wouldn't want that."

So the poor folks in Timor were invaded and the atrocities began. Some of these atrocities were filmed by ABC TV and some of their journalists were killed for being there. The Ozzie gumbyment did bugger all to find the killers and did what they always do when one of us is held or killed overseas... head down to the bar to think it over for tweny years. Let's face it if you're an Ozzie and you are in trouble overseas, you're buggered.

My fondest memory of that time is the night they aired on national news networks everywhere, the signing of the Timor Straights Oil Agreement between our own foreign minister of the time Gareth-can't get my hand off my dick- Evans and his Indonesian counterpart, Someguywhose nameIcan'tremember. There they both were, smiling and drinking champagne at 30,000 feet in an aircraft flying over the Timor straights. They were toasting the agreement that allowed Oz to share in the oil that Indonesia was now plundering from the conquered Timorese people. That was our 30 pieces of silver for selling out our "friends". The same friends who had helped us during the war with Japan. the excuse we used then according to Gareth was: "the Timorese are not capable of governing themsleves and must accept the protection of their nearest major power, Indonesia." Thanks Gareth, I'm sure the thousands of murdered Timorese were grateful for that protection.

Fast forward to 7 years ago and we are suddenly helping our "friends" again by getting the Indonesian brothers out of Timor.. well, half of it anyway, East Timor. What prompted this change of heart? Mmmm a little thing called world opinion which was being turned against us by the likes of Jose Ramos Horta (who I've met, I'm very proud to say.) who travelled all over the world and especially the UK and the US to beg for help for his people. When world opinion finally caught us out, we were obliged to help the Timorese and we did, but not because of our sense of justice.

How must it have tasted in the mouths of the Timorese to thank us for help that was 20 years too late and had to be forced from us? How hollow our friendship must seem to them, how greedy our intention. If you think this is the end of it you're wrong. East Timor should by rights be one of the wealthiest countries on earth with their oil reserves in the Timor Straight but they don't get most of the money from it... We do! The new Foreign Minister of the day, Alexander Downer bartered ( sic..bullied) an agreement out of the Timorese gumbyment for a larger share of the oil produced in return for Ozzie soldiers protecting East Timor from their snarling neighbours across the border. Good business yes but poor foreign policy also.

So between the smiling evil of Gareth and the dodering bullying of Alexander, we have managed to royally screw the nice people next door. The moral of this story is, if you live next door to an ozzie, watch your back! Of course we're not all like that, most of us just look the other way.

My Life as a Baaaaad Man

wylddaze — 2005-02-01T03:02:22-05:00

Did you ever do something that you knew was wrong but gosh darn it, you just went right ahead and did it anyway? I did that today and the even badder part is I' d do it again and worse!

I am a baaaad man and no doubt about it but I am happy to be bad and I can honestly say I have no regret at all about it. No one got hurt and I took no ones' money or goods so settle down and stop worrying, it didn't involve any violence either. No, I will not tell you what it was because it is a guilty pleasure and a private one. All I will say is that I like someone I shouldn't like.. you know how that is muwahahahahaaaaaa.

In other gnus, I recommend you all to take a peek at soapboxtop @ mindsay. She has some very good points to make and I really like her stuff.

What makes you really happy? Something made me really happy today (no, something else.) and it was so simple. I woke up after a little afternoon nap (my day off) to the sounds of the outside world and it took me back to a really nice place in my life.

The sounds coming in through the window were the sounds of a summer afternoon, bugs buzzing, birds singing, traffic in the distance and occasionally going past the house, the sounds of a carpenter drilling into some wood in the far distance and the quiet buzz of a small aeroplane overhead. There was a breeze flowing through the curtains and the air was warm. I went straight back to my old room when I was about 8 or 9 and the sunday afternoon naps I took in the summer when it was too hot to go out and play untill afternoon. What a great way to wake up. There is actually another great way but I'll tell you about that some other time.

Then the afternoon went to hell in a hand basket. Why would anything go to hell in a hand basket???

Anyway, my house was invaded by a bunch of unruly gals. You know who you all are ( I shall reffer to you as S M and A) and don't think I havent reported you all to the authoritahs. Seriously, what a great bunch of gals you are, that was so much fun and I found out sooo much gossip, next time we will have to go out for a coffee. Hmm maybe not "A" tends to get a bit loud and god knows what people would make of the snail. I love the way "M" stands aloof from it all, being so chic and kind of above it. You crack me up. "S" you're just my bestest friend-in-a-pocket and as for "A"... hmmm maybe enough said.

So here's to a perfectly lovely Tuesday, I spent it with fond memories and good people.

My Life In Revolt Against Oppression.

wylddaze — 2005-02-03T02:02:55-05:00

It has been brought to my attention that there is a double standard in our society with regard to the perjorative nature of some jokes and e-mails.

I have noticed that there are many advertisements on television that depict men as "dumb animals" while glorifying the status of women as superior creatures. Also, it seems to be acceptable to send around emails depicting men as brutes while women are depicted as being smarter and more emotionally "in-touch" than men.

I have, in the past censored "blonde jokes" so that they are inoffensive to blondes and now find that I am asked to accept this portrayal of my apparent gender as being inferior. Well no, sorry not good enough - I will not sit idly by while we are depreciated in the same way that women were for many years by ignorant men. It is demeaning to men and also to the women who send the e-mails. It is time to make the stand and put a stop to this behaviour.

In case any of you are not aware of this behaviour I am attaching an example in this blog. ready for this? Ok then read below... but do try not to enjoy it, please.

Eight Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND:

He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . . ..... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said . . .. I would but you're never there.

He said . ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said .. .. They don't have time

He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said .... . . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
She said ...... They already have boyfriends.

She said...What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . . A widow.

He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

You see what I mean? Really, it just isn't good enough.

My Life as a Horse

wylddaze — 2005-02-07T02:02:42-05:00

People keep asking me why I sold my Harley. I can only offer this little story in answer.....

On a farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of which loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.

Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, ( AS IF! )the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike,

rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the

farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "hangy-down thing" ( PENIS ) and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story? ( Yep, there's a moral ! )

"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!"

My Life as Another person

wylddaze — 2005-02-08T04:02:59-05:00

So, here we are. Are we all sitting comfortably? Good, then I'll begin... ahem....

Last week my friend Spike asked me why I changed my name. I didn't answer really, because I was too busy doing something else but I feel it deserves an answer, partly so she knows what to call me and partly because I think she will identify with the story.

It all began a loooong time ago, about 1000 A.D. to be exact. My family name was given to my ancestor of the day by the grandffather of William of Normandy... with me? Now a thousand years later, as I grew into a fiesty young man I became very aware of "ownership". In fact when you are born you are given a tag, a number, a bill of authenticity that says the "system' owns you. You are known to the "system" from the minute you are born and you are numbered as such for life. When you register for schools, or for sports clubs or for your licence to drive ( yes my american friends, that is how Licence is spelled in english and the word is "spelled" not "spelt".) or for your tax file number ( social security number ) or indeed for any other thing you will want during your life.

When you die, the numbers must add up and you are given a death certificate, thus you have been born, lived and died owned by the "system". You have been certified, stamped duy paid and filed in sequence with all the other special and unique snow flakes. Does that make you feel all warm and fuzzy? Not me.

But this is not the reason I decided to make the change, at least not the whole reason. I also wanted to put some emotional distance between me and my family. Not my whole family, just some of them. Not my sisters for example, 'cos I love them. So in my twenties I decided that I would take ownership of my own life and let the "system" do whatever it wants to. I chose the name of my early ancestors because it has authenticity to it and it has a great deal of history which I respect. I didn't ride into the battle of hastings (at least not in this life) but my name did and that means something to me. So I had chosen my last name and now I needed a first name. Where to look, where to look, I looked and looked and finally came up with the name of the centaur that represents ( REPRESENT! ) my zodiac sign, sagittarius. The name "Chiron" had an immediate appeal to me and so I took it. It has been abbreviated by my friends to just "Chi" and in one case ( thanks Taz ) to Chi-Chi, which makes me sound like a Macaque!

So Spike you can call me "Chi" which rhymes with "tea" and that's all there is to that really, any one else is welcome to as well. My firends from many years ago can't seem to get the hang of it but they will learn.

Ta Ta.

My Life as a Valentine

wylddaze — 2005-02-13T12:02:18-05:00

Well the big day is nearly here.. Valentines day! A very good friend, ( no my best friend ) surprised me the other day by telling me he hated Valentines' day. I accused him of not being a romantic - actually my exact words were: " Dude, you don't have a romantic bone in your body!" - to which he responded that in fact he is an old-school romantic and he feels that V-Day has been commercialised too much.

I hadn't thought much about this as I rarely give anyone anything for V-day (only because I rarely have anyone to give anything to! ) but the more I read blogs etc the more I have come to agree. I read one particular account of a person in the 'States who is giving gifts to virtually their whole family for V-day, which consist of gift baskets and the like. Call me a cynic if you like ( call whatever you like if you have the money! ) but I have come to agree with my little friend, this has gone too far!

There was a time when I was younger (and dinosaurs roamed the earth) when V-day meant a rose for the person you wanted to ask out but didn't have the guts to face. you would send her/him a rose with a little note either anonymously or with your personal message on it to meet you somewhere for a romantic date. Whatever happened to that? Now it's all about bunches of roses, dinners at top restaurants (La Scala in the city if you're in Canberra) and gift baskets for the family. WTF!?

I say we follow the advice of my good friend The Gimp and "go back, we are going the wrong way!" Get back to the simple elegant pleasure of sending someone you care about a rose with a little note on it that says:

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

frogs are ugly

and so are you!

See? it's romance, it has taste, elegance and it means someone will feel spesh. Of course if you're a single guy you can forget about getting a surprise valentine, wimmin are just not romantic at all! We have to settle for a beer on the couch and some porn on the telly; Veeeeery romantic that...not.

For all those who don't get a V-day surprise, it could be worse there might not be 364 & 1/4 other days of the year when someone might surprise you with a little something to make you smile. In the meantime if you want to romance someone and don't have anyone in mind or you want to be romanced and don't have anyone to do it for you, may I just say : DIY?

That's right folks, take yourself out to the movies and then to dinner (or the other way around) and then maybe write yourself a lovely pome and even send yourself some flowers if you're feeling up to it. At least you know that at the end of the night if you want to get lucky, you can and that the sex will be just the way you like it, whips and chains and all the trimmings.

Enjoy your V-day everyone, I know I will! Woohoo!

My Life as the Great White Hunter.. coughcough*

wylddaze — 2005-02-18T02:02:34-05:00

I present this story in three parts as it is quite long. Some of you will have seen this before, some will not. For those who have, please accept my apologies for the lack of originality. This account is all true and all mine.

A letter to some friends, circa 2001.

Before I go on let me just say, that this is not a joke story. It issupposed to make you aware of a very dangerous and scary thing: Bug Spray!

Last Friday, as is my want, I went to the flicks to see a movie that I thought would be fun. I had just been shopping and was on my way home when I suddenly got the urge to see a movie. Even though they scare me, I wanted to see the movie about giant spoiders.. "Eight Legged Freaks". I have seen the original from the fifties and wanted to see what they had done to make this one even better. If you, like me are a "fifties Horror Movie" buff, you will know the fun they can be. Black and white and really trashy special effects and all. So off I went and got my popcorn and coke (obligatory) and settled in to have some fun. Well! It was the funniest thing I have seen in a long time; very good SFX and a lot of cheesy humour to boot. I loved it and it was in the tradition of the original, very obvious plot and all.

That is when the trouble started.

I hate spoiders…really hate them. In this country even a small spoider bite can be fatal and as we all know there are even worse ones than that, like the Wolf spoider that injects a necrotising poison which doesn’t kill you, just rots your flesh; or the white tailed house spider that injects a neuro-toxin. No need for details on that one.

So I kill them at every opportunity and have absolutely no sadness or guilt over it. "See it, Kill it" is my motto and don’t give any quarter. As I told the exterminator when I moved into this house:

" My man, I want everything in this house with more legs than me dead. I want their families dead, I want their friends dead and I want anyone they ever met dead."

The little fellow went into the house (which was not overrun with bugs by the way.) wearing what looked like a space suit and carrying a long hose. A bit over the top I thought but was very impressed. He rushed out a little later and retrieved a jar from the truck. I later asked him what the jar was for and he told me he had found a rare specimen and wanted to "keep it for the display". They have a display?

Anyway, I felt confident that all the critters (I hate critters) had been dispatched and continued to move my stuff in the next day. That was four years ago and I have not had much of a problem with critters ( I hate critters)since. That was….untill Friday.

Looking back on it now, it is as if it were all there as a warning. I had not intended to go to the flicks, it was a very spur of the moment thing. It just came on me to go see this movie and I went. Pity I didn’t question the spontaneity of the decision.

After the movie I went to see my friend Gab and his lovely wife Lennie for a café and a chat before they openned the restaurant. It is a place I go to visit my friends and share any exciting news I have ( as if ). Remember that Gab? Remember how we talked about how much you hate spoiders and about how I had always thought my fear was worse than yours and you proved me wrong? You would think I might have paid attention to that. You would think I might have thought it odd, that the person I went to to talk to about the movie, would have such a paranoia about them. So many warnings and I didn’t pay any attention at all. Serves me right, what happened later that night.

So, after dinner I set about lining up the TV programs for the night. I got my book out and was looking forward to a nice evenning with a good book in front of the telly. BLISS.

My Life as The Great white Hunter Part deux

wylddaze — 2005-02-19T03:02:02-05:00

As promised here is the second part of this three part story. Again, I apologise to those who have already seen this.

Are we all sitting comfortably? Good then I'll begin....

As we remember from last night, our intrepid hero was just sitting down to watch some telly in the comfort of his own home.

It happened around two A.M. I was watching the "box" and something caught my attention out of the corner of my eye. As we all know (don’t we?), spring is here and the creatures of the night are starting to emerge from their sleep. The possums are about on the roof (that’s a whole other story by the way.) and the bugs are-a-buzzin’ and the creepy things are creeping and the crawly things are crawling. I have to expect that at some time, a few little spoiders are going to start to crawl into the house and that I will need to get some surface spray onto the floors and doors and so on. No big deal though because that is what I do each spring and for the rest of the summer months the house is pretty much bug free. I can live with the odd cockroach and small bug, hell I lived in Cairo where the ‘roaches are a big as poodles and bring their friends for house parties. Aussie roaches are a breeze compared to them.

This thing was not a roach. I had thought it must be because of the size and colour…but it wasn’t. I got up and went over to have a look and plan the kill (hey, I get bored!). It was a spoider, a big, black house spoider the size of which I have only ever seen once before ( another story entirely.) I ran straight to the cupboard and forgot about anything fancy or involved, I just wanted to get it killed- it was huge. OK, so it wasn’t like the ones in the movie that were ten feet across, it was maybe five inches ( FIVE Gabby, FIVE inches of ugly!) but it was…well, yuck!

The spray did the job and I was calm again. Then another one! It was an invasion I tell you! More spray and it was gone too. So was the spray.

What do I do if the third one ( they always come in threes yeah?) ventures in? The second one was smaller and was probably the mate of the first one, I hoped they had no offspring. I didn’t sleep much that night because as we all know: "they mostly come at night…mostly."

My first order of business the next day was to purchase bug spray, lots and lots of it. I wanted the toughest, meanest, most potent and dangerous stuff in the shop - and I got it.

This brings me to the point of this whole, sorry tale. BUG SPRAY! I have discovered that the spray works well on bugs and incidently, on us as well. I got this exterior spray for the doors and windows and decided that it should be used on the interior frames as well. . I should have read the directions and warnings on the can before hand.. But I am a man and we don’t.

Having just sprayed every opening in the house as well as the nooks and crannies, I began to feel a bit ill. Just a bit. When spraying the door frames and the window frames, I had of course reached up to get the top parts as well as I could (they walk upside-down you know.) and the spray had fallen all over me like a cloud of radioactive fallout. I paid no attention because I am a man and we don’t. Then I began to cough a little. Just a little.

Soon, my nose was dripping like a half closed tap and my throat was aflame. My eyes (my beautiful eyes!) were red and watering profusely. It began to dawn on me that something was not right. I am not the brightest apple on the tree and it takes a while for me to "get it" as anyone who has ever told me a joke would know.

I began to cough very violently and to sneeze. My eyes by this time were just running with liquid and I was glad I had a nearly full box of tissues because I had a lot to keep up with.

That was when the ‘phone rang. Sorry Iveta, but I didn’t answer it. Did call you back though eh? Tuesday, lunch; Got it.

Anyway back to the story. I won’t tell you all where else the fluids were draining from, suffice is to say that spoiders do not die a pretty death. Not that I will stop killing them, I will just have a bit more sympathy for them...while they die.

In the next thrilling installment: watch astonished as our hero finds god and fabled Jade Monkey, buried for centuries in his own back yard, sees all the colours of the rainbow in living LSD enhanced colour and does battle with his own mortal fears. Part trois, tomorrow.

My Life as The Great White Hunter - part trois

wylddaze — 2005-02-20T06:02:39-05:00

As our listeners will remember we left our hero feeling less than well and with a keener understanding of the plight of spoiders. The tale concludes:
Should I call the poisons information line? No, because I am a man and we do not. Read the can? Yes, I should.
" DO NOT SPRAY INDOORS"..oops.
"DO NOT ALLOW SPRAY TO TOUCH FACE OR EYES." …oops.
"ALWAYS WEAR GLOVES WHEN SPRAYING." Gloves??!! What gloves?
"DO NOT STAND UNDER AREA BEING SPRAYED."…ooh.
"DO NOT SPRAY NEAR UNCOVERED FISH TANK."…UH OH! Check the fish tank….one of the fish is swimming erratically and very fast.
"IF POISONING OCCURS, GIVE WATER." Water, yes, lots of water. But how does one give water to a fish? OH - ME! of course I need the water! Get a big jug of water…lots of water, must drink water. Straight in, straight out.
After a couple of hours my body seemed to get rid of the stuff and I was feeling a lot better, thanks for asking. The fish was OK, they are carp and you can’t kill them with dynamite. The sore throat I have had for a couple of weeks is gone now and I think the spray might work on virii as well. Imagine if you will that you have the ‘flu. Now imagine that instead of a week of it you have it all in a couple of hours. That is what this was like. Sunday night was the first good sleep I have had in days and I am feeling rough and tough again today but I will not be so careless next time. So take this warning to heart people, especially you guys out there. BUG SPRAY is a dangerous and mean thing; READ the can and FOLLOW the directions for use.
Mind you, I haven’t seen a bug or a critter (yes, I hate them.) since the event.

My Life in Peace and Harmony... and my Benz.

wylddaze — 2005-02-21T06:02:09-05:00

Two very great things happened to me today. The first happened while I was on the way to the second.
I was on the way to pick up my automobile from the shop (Mmmm- aaauutomobile). I had decided to go via omnibus as I rarely travel by this method and it is an adventure. I quite like adventures. I stood for some time at the "shelter" where I waited for the vehicle that would transport me, magically to my destination, the weather was raining and windy, just the way I like it.
Suddenly the wind and the rain went quiet and the air seemed remarkably still and calm. there was no noise and the place seemed to pause and to wait for something. I was alone at the bus stop and I felt as though I was also alone in the universe but not in any bad way.
At that moment I looked up into the grey clouds above me and saw ( I swear this is true ) a great big eagle circling right above me! I watched as it circled around and was quite stunned to see it. We don't get eagles around here as a rule and it was amazing to watch the grace and the lazy confidence this beautiful bird exuded. I felt as though we were alone together in a great cylinder of calm taken quite apart from the rest of the universe and simply connected somehow. That was a perfect and wonderful moment. I watched it for some time untill the omnibus came and whisked me away.
The other wonderful thing that happened was me getting my precious back! My beautiful black Benz, I have missed it so, is back in it's home at last. two weeks it has been and I rejoiced to be back in her leather seats. mmm leather. i was looking for any excuse to drive today, I have enjoyed the afternoon so much.
One bad thing did happen today. But it will feel better in time I think. At the very least it was the proper thing to do even though it feels ugly at the moment. I am sure it will be better.

My Life as The Village Goat.

wylddaze — 2005-02-22T04:02:18-05:00

OK so here it is.... I AM NOT DIVORCING YOU!!!!! I just think we spend too much time talking and it makes me feel a little uncomfortable ok?
While I'm on the subject would everyone else who knows what is going on please stop throwing rocks at me?
I don't know, you do what you think is the right thing and everyone gets the hump like you have fucked their favourite goat! I am not sorry I chose the right path, I am sorry you don't like it, I am sorry you feel pain. I still like you and we can still talk, just not so often or for so long. I feel I have to stay away from you a little bit ok? I just need some seperation, that's all. Can we be ok with that?
Also no touching of any kind, no handshakes, no arms around shoulders, NO hugs. And B-C must never know we had this little "difference of perception". Not that b-C would notice anyway, just oblivious to everything really.
OK so are we cool?

My Life as An Outcast

wylddaze — 2005-02-23T09:02:53-05:00

OK, this is the first time I have tried to add a pic to this blog and I don't know if it will come out at all. Oh dear, the things we do. So anyway BeccaJane asked for a pic' of the love of my life and here she is. Now you undertsand why I missed her so much.

My Life as a Hoary Goat

wylddaze — 2005-02-28T09:02:30-05:00

All the world may come at me now,
for I am cunning of eye and coarse of fur,
Jagged of tooth and sharp of claw.
My nature soured,
my soul turned cold,
my humanity and compassion withered and old.
My bestial nature grown brutal and bold,
come at me now,
my mettle behold.

My Life in Litigation

wylddaze — 2005-03-02T02:03:52-05:00

Or should that be "Clitigation"? No, that's another blog altogether. Anyways, someone sent me this peice of legal gnus via e-mail. I think it's outrageous
that even when you're trying to be baby-safe, a schemer can find ways to make your life miserable. Read on and tell me what you think...

Now this is interesting. A man and a woman engaged in sex in Illinois, the man being careful not to have intercourse (unbeknown to the woman, he was married). However, during an oral sexual act in which he was arguably the receiver (more on that argument later), the woman secretly retained the man's sperm and impregnated herself with it at some later time. Two years hence, she hit him with a DNA-supported paternity suit, the man counter suing for "theft" of his sperm. The court's ruling?

"…when plaintiff 'delivered' his sperm, it was a gift - an absolute and irrevocable transfer of title to property from a donor to a donee. There was no agreement that the original deposit would be returned upon request."

It's a ruling that presents something of a 'good news/bad news' scenario for men and women alike.
For woman, the good news is that men cannot shimmy out of responsibility by childishly claiming to have never stuck it in. Sex is sex, whatever the act, and whatever comes from it is everyone's responsibility. There is also the undoubted delight in a cad being busted so mischievously - while he was standing there with his hands on his hips, convinced he was getting away with a ripper, the woman's head was percolating stuff that would turn things well and truly inside out.
The bad news for women is hidden in the Trojan horse of the court's ruling in her favour regarding the man's claims of pain and suffering, which were dismissed out of hand. It logically follows: if a court says men can't suffer the undoubted stresses of parenthood as women can - if his midnight madness and morning blues are so insignificant as to be thrown from the chambers, when hers are worth at least a percentage of $800 a month - then men shouldn't be expected to care as much as women do, either. When the wife says, "Can you change Junior's nappy, please, cause I have a headache", the man can rightfully answer, "But I don't care about this parenthood caper as you do, Honey...it's the law."
For men, the bad news is obvious: oral sex is no longer a safeguard against commitment. Like a teenager on a wild night out, sperm, when it leaves the home, is no longer playing under daddy's rules, but remains his responsibility regardless. All a guy can do is pray his little tackers don't get swept away by 'the wrong crowd'.
But the good news for men is nothing short of extraordinary, and more than makes up for the bad. For the very first time, fellatio has been described by a court of law as a "gift" from a man to a woman. I can think of few streets in our city that won't greet this news with equal amounts of dancing and protest, and one would expect the general mood of anticipation on Valentine's Day to shift considerably.
Of course, there's an aspect to this story that truly sucks, as the woman's attorney Enrico Mirabelli points out.

"There's a 5-year-old child here," Mirabelli said T. "Imagine how a child feels when your father says he feels emotionally damaged by your birth."
Well, setting aside that nobody really gives a hoot what a lawyer has to say about morals, one could argue that the child has already inherited a questionable kick off. If the kid is at all inquisitive, as we all are, the question of how he was conceived will one day arise.
And every year, as the birthday cake candles are blown, everyone will remember.

My Life as Protagonista.

wylddaze — 2005-03-03T11:03:08-05:00

Well I want to start by saying how dissapointed I am in you all! Not one of you mentioned the word "clitigation" (as writ in my previous blog) in your replies. I knew I couldn't expect the boys to find it but I felt sure ze girls would put their fingers on it straight away. Ah well, I suppose I can't expect too much really.
In other gnus I had visitors last night (none of whom, had a paper bag on their head).
I do so love ze visitors, the squeals and pleading for mercy, the way they twist and struggle against the ropes, the threats of "family and friends who will come looking for them", it is so refreshing.
Of course, I am running out of room under the floor and there is all the cleaning afterwards but none the less, it is sooo pleasant to have guests.
Perhaps I need to build an extension on the house? Maybe a library...

My life as a Slave

wylddaze — 2005-03-14T09:03:05-05:00

Caution:The Following Blog Entry Contains Adult Themes, Sexually Explicit Descriptions and Hot,Wet,Monkey Sex. Reader Discretion is Advised.
Don't say you weren't warned. I told you didn't I?
I don’t know why she comes, we have never discussed it. The only thing that is ever obvious is that she is in control of the game. Whenever that rule is broken she simply leaves and the game is over. The game has only ever ended before time on two occasions and the lessons were learned very quickly.
We had been friends for some months before the first time and it was still a shock when it happened. I was not ready to engage her on that level, not realising she was. She appeared at my door in a loose fitting summer dress and obviously nothing else, she was tantalising to say the least and I was ill prepared.
It was not much more than a glass of red wine and a couple of cigarettes later that she was clutching the bars of the brass bed and screaming into the pillow. She enjoyed that day enough to come back a week later with her own brand of wine. That was the day it really began in earnest, the experiments and the curiosity. That was the first day I slapped her buttocks with one hand while I held her hip firmly with the other as she yelped and begged me to stop. Yet still she held me inside her and moved against me so I could penetrate her more deeply.
She enjoys the illusion of being controlled, of being forced and bound, She likes the feeling of being tied and made to perform for me. Of course, it is an illusion and it is she who is in charge and I am never to forget that, I am only happy to be a part of her enjoyment. It is her fantasy to be made to do this, her pleasure comes from the abandonment of all the pressure and responsibility. She is here, allowed to experiment and to be someone she can never be in her normal life. My reward comes later, after the ropes and the candle wax and the cuffs are done with. The thing I crave the most she gives me in ample amounts.
In the meanwhile, she wants to be tied to the bed and slapped and pinched. She loves to see my teeth about her nipples and to see my lips on her clitoris. She loves watch me eat her and I am told to hold her thighs firmly while I do it, to force her against my mouth. She loves to see me tease her swollen clitoris and squeals with anticipation if I delay it long enough. Her wrists tied and her mouth gagged, she can do nothing to make it happen faster.
She insists on being able to watch while we fuck, so she can see herself being penetrated. We never use cameras or any kind of recording equipment, we must be discrete at all times outside these walls. We must have mirrors at all the proper angles if we are not facing each other so she can see the act in detail. The more deeply I sink into her, the more tightly she squeezes me in return. The harder I pound into her, the harder she pushes back at me. When I slap her buttocks or her breasts, she yelps and throws herself about, all the while demanding more, calling "yes, yes, yes". She will drive against me hard and fast untill I match her and then over power her, this is how she instructs me. I am to treat her like a whore, to use her as if I am an unfeeling brute bent only on my own pleasure and all the while it is hers that is heightened. While she is in the submissive pose, prone on the bed or bent over the coffee table, tied to the posts or pressed against a wall, it is she who controls the moment.
When we are joined again and she is above me, her hands on my shoulders, her knees at my sides, she sits astride me and grinds herself into me while all the while her face is above mine. I hold her hips and move her off the bed but I am never allowed to hold her so hard that I leave marks on her, her husband is a man to notice these things at least. While she is climbing her ladder to ecstasy her long, dark hair falls around her face and forms an enclosure between us. Between her and me there is nothing outside of this dark veil, just us in all the universe. In that moment when we are both at the end, when we have climbed all we are going to and the universe outside the veil of her hair glows and disappears, she looks at me and we are eye to eye, nose to nose and we are breathing together; There is my reward. In that perfect moment when we are bound together in free will and lust, when she is mine to enjoy and I can fully have her.
I wait untill the next time.

My Life as Storyteller

wylddaze — 2005-03-16T09:03:20-05:00

So the feedback I am getting here and elsewhere, is that you're all a bunch of sex starved deviants who want another story.
OK I will then.....
,{:-)

My Life as a killer

wylddaze — 2005-03-17T01:03:11-05:00

Warning: This blog entry contains material of an explicit and violent nature. It contains detailed descriptions of a violent and criminal act. It is intended for adults and will offend some people. Reader discretion is advised, you have been warned. If you are sensitive to violence or easily offended, do not read this blog entry.
This entry is purely fictitious and the act described in this entry is in no way intended to be read as an article of fact or news. The author apologises in advance for any misunderstanding which may lead to any offence being taken.

It is the full-most part of spring when I see her, in the park at the bench where I saw her last and she is still so perfect as to break my heart. I have missed her so these many years and thought of her so often. She looks past me as though to feign disinterest but I know she sees me, she knows me, she remembers me. How could she not, when I was there at her last moment, when I saw the last words on her lips pass from this world into the next?
It was her then as it is her now and she is still so perfect as to break my heart.
The stories of her were bleached and sanitised for the puny masses. They did not show the true beauty I had made of her, the true perfection of her lying on the leaves. The one who sought me, who still seeks me, knows the picture I made of her, he knows the deeper beauty of her last moments. He has seen the depth of my creation and my art and appreciates the perfect beauty of her, that perfect beauty that each time makes to break my heart.
Now I see her again in this place, the same place I have seen her five times already. I watch her from a distance. I follow. I walk naturally and calmly along after her even though inside, my heart is bounding with anticipation. She does not acknowledge me in any way as is her custom and her choice. In the quiet place at the end of the path, the end of her path anyway, that is where we will meet again. I already have the art in my head, the picture of how she will look. She will be more beautiful this time than the other times, more perfect. The one who seeks me will appreciate the work I have done, he will know the final work. This time again her beauty will break my heart.
We approach the place, the final place where she will lay in the leaves. She walks calmly as if she is unaware of me but of course she must be by now. We have been on the way to this point since the days of our births. Through different ways and paths we have been destined to be here at this moment. She will go her way from here and I will go mine and we will meet again in the future as we have done so many times already. I can see her hair bounce as she walks and the sound of her heels clicking against the stones sets a rhythm for us both. She wears a coat that hides her shape somewhat but yet I can see the curve of her breasts under it. The shape of her body is lean and shapely and perfect, the kind of shape she always has, the kind I used to have.
There was that exactly right moment a little while ago when no one saw, when no one was there but we two and that was when I took her. I rushed at her from behind and clamped my hand on her mouth and shuffled her into the brush. I wrapped the cord around her neck to stop her from moving and in a short while she did. The struggle made me excited and it was difficult for me to concentrate but my work must come first and her destiny was too important to waste the moment on dirty, sexual things. Those things, those dirty, disgusting, sexual things that have no place in this perfect moment. They serve only to distract me from this perfect and wonderful moment when I take her essence from her and create a new thing of beauty from her.
She lies there now as I have left her. She will be there for some two days I hope, untill he finds her. I would not want her to be there any more than that as it would just be bad for the art. I do not want her to be alone for long, it is dark and cold at night and she will be at risk of some thug finding her. She is too good for that, too good for the likes of them to harm. She is too perfect and too beautiful now to be despoiled by some mere man. Of course she is different now than she was before, now she will never be afraid and never be anxious. She feels no more the pain of this life and her body is a work of art to be admired by but not lusted after by men. Those men that made me, those men that defiled me, those horrid men that can harm me and her no more. We are women and we are perfect and she is so perfect now as to break my heart again.
I will watch them when they find her, safely from a distance. I will know when because I will be the one that calls to tell them. They will never think of me of course, I am too small and too frail, just a girl, what could I do? Me, with my torn, scarred face and my poor broken heart.

My Life on a Dimly Lit Planet

wylddaze — 2005-03-22T04:03:15-05:00

Well kids, we've finally done it! This entry contains serious material that may depress some readers. It contains no sexual content at all... pity really. I am talking about the climate of the planet.
As we all know, the climate of planet Earth (silly name for a planet really) is steadily rising. We know from the geological records that we should be in the beginnings of an ice-age right now but becuse of all our fossil fuel burning we are actually at a very warm stage instead.
What you may not know is that Earth is also getting dimmer; that is to say that there isn't as much sunlight getting to us as there used to be say, 20 years ago. This is because we are making more soot (microscopic dirt particles) and expelling it into the air which forms more clouds (tiny droplets of water that gather around soot particles in the air) and these reflect more sunlight back into space.
Now you might say this is a good thing 'cos if we cool the planet while we heat the planet we should be counter-acting the problems... no. The net effect is that while we are creating more pollution we are also artificially cooling the temperature, what we see as a 2 degree rise in the temperatures of the world is actually closer to 5 degrees. This doesn't sound like much does it? I mean 5 degrees warmer ain't sucha bad thing really is it? Well, yes it is because that isn't where it stops. By the end of the next decade,( 2020 ) that 5 degree rise could be as much as 7 degrees and then by the end of the next decade it could be around 9 degrees. That's 2030 folks, and that means that by the time 2030 rolls around the Greenland ice sheets will have started to melt.
If the Greenland ice sheets melt, then sea levels will rise by more than 5 metres, maybe as high as 8 metres. Most of the coastal cities in the world will be gone; all of the small islands in the all of the oceans will be gone. Most of New Zealand will be gone *secretly happy - smiles to self *
Because we have been cooling the Earth artificially for so long, while we may have started to get rid of pollution, the temperature is going to rise even more suddenly because we have been creating a "pressure cooker" effect. We know this because for 3 days after September 11 2001 there was no air travel in the USA and the temperatures rose by 2.5 degrees all over the place. That was just because there were no aircraft con-trails (those long clouds that come out behind aircraft) reflecting sunlight and so there was more sunlight getting in. that is what happens when just one cause is removed for just 3 days!
Depressed yet? OK then , think of this: If the Earths' temp rises by 10 degrees by then end of this century, the great forrests of the world will be tinder dry and start to burn. A fire we could never hope to extinguish will pour more Co2 into the atmosphere and we will be living in a place where the average temp is about 60 degrees C in high summer at the equator. That won't matter to us of course because life as we know it will have been killed off years before. Most of the world will be desert and almost all of the fresh water will be gone into evaporation or melted into the seas.
But there is an upside to this story; If all the world suddenly stopped using coal, oil and gas to get energy and started to use solar, wind and hydro power production we would only see a small rise in temps and maybe by the end of this century we could all still be alive!!!!
Think that could happen?

My Life as a Cheater

wylddaze — 2005-03-31T01:03:15-05:00

So, hi again. I expect you're wondering where I've been for the last couple of weeks eh? To be really honest this is the hardest blog I have ever had to write. I don't know what happened really, I wasn't looking for it but yeah, I guess you already have your suspicions. I want to start by saying that I really care about you and I didn't mean to hurt you but yeah, I've been seeing another blog.
It all happened so suddenly really, I was online you know, as I do, and just looking at nothing in particular and I found myself just looking at this other blog. Like, I wasn't really planning to go to it or anything and then I just thought "oh well, it won't hurt to just have a look" you know and well, yeah, I guess I just went and looked and then one thing led to another and before I knew it I was making an entry. After that I just kept making antries and it was so good I couldn't stop myself. I have never made entries like them and it is a different kind of blog to you. Entry after entry after entry, god it just feels so good!
I didn't really want to stop then, it was like really exciting to be in another blog you know, like one where I shouldn't have been and all. I didn't want to hurt you, you know how I feel about you but it just felt kind of new and exciting and I was really just overwhelmed by it. It's not that you're not as good, it's just different you know; And bigger too.
It isn't you, it's me, I'm like weak and not really ready for commitment or anything. I really didn't mean to hurt you or anything and I would give anything not to have but it just happened. I wish I could take it back and I would love it if we could still be friends. I guess I'll just have to wait and see if you want to.
I'm so sorry about this, I'm going back over there now, they're waiting for me. Call me OK? Just so I know we are still OK. Oh and can you send me my stuff back?
Thanks for everything, you've been great, I guess we'll see each other around then eh?

My Life as a Lucky Bastard.

wylddaze — 2005-03-31T11:03:16-05:00

You know you're having a really good day when you turn up on time for everything and the parking fine on your windshield - the one you didn't notice for 5 kms - turns out to be just a warning notice.
I had a goooooood day, wish I could share it with more people.
,{:-)

MyLife in the Fast Lane

wylddaze — 2005-04-04T06:04:24-05:00

Well, what a weekend. I did something yesterday that everyone should have the chance to do at least once in their lives.
My friend Carla has a brother who owns a Porche Boxter; as she felt she needed a day away from work and since he is overseas and asked her to look after the car while he's away... we did.
We took the car down to the coast for the day and what a day it was!!! :) For those who don't live in Canberra - and yes, there is some doubt as to whether anyone really lives in this city - the coast is about 2-1/2 hours drive away and involves some truly beautiful mountain roads and a large cliff we affectionately call "The Clyde".
I have driven this road many, many times and in many vehicles. My favourite way to make this trip is on a very fast motorcycle such as my old Kawasaki GPZ-1000RX which was a dream come true on a winding mountain road at high speed. Yesterday, with the top down and the sun burning me to a crispy-fried unit, I put my foot on the accelerator of the Porche and my companion cried at the top of her lungs:
" c'mon driving-miss-daisy, floor it!"
I quietly had second thoughts about the Kawasaki. This was an experience in driving I will not have again untill I buy a Ferrari. We bought lunch at the little fish and chip shop at Batemans' bay and ate it sitting on the grass above the little beach front there, while we watched the boats to-ing an fro-ing in the choppy sea. Then we drove (again at speed) to "Long beach" where we had both spent many a weekend as younger folk and watched the local sea-eagle fishing for his lunch. We walked along the water-line and talked about all manner of things, mainly her ex boyfriend who is a freak.
After getting our toes wet and skipping some stones (mine all skipped but once and sank, it must be my technique) we got back into the tiny bucket seats and sped off into a beautiful sunset on the way home.
For all that I got a tad burned (I did wear a ton of sunscreen!) it was one of the best days of my life. Funny how you know those days even though your life isn't over yet (I hope), it is just the kind of day you know will stick with you.
The very fast drive home surely will! I hope you all get the chance to have a day like that soon. Much love and peace - muah!

My Life Philosophically

wylddaze — 2005-04-08T05:04:59-05:00

I have decided that people are a lot like springs. Yes, I am aware that these two things seem unrelated but they do, in fact, have some similarities. For example springs like people, are reactive, the more you repress them the more they want to react.
Life is, in every way a compromise between two things. For example you compromise between what you want and what you need in everyday life choices. "What car do I want?" -vs- "What car do I need?" "I'd like a Ferrari but where would I put my 2.4 children?" ( don't you always feel sorry for .4?) Business is the same - "I would like to gouge every last cent out of the customers but would they come back?" Politics too, bears this burden of compromise - " we would like a completely supressed and controlled populace who would obey every law just because it is there, but would that make us unpopular?"
This is where people are like springs; If you supress a person or a group of people they will react, eventually. People are very slow to react sometimes and fear plays a big part in this. The theory works better when related to a person rather than a group. For example when you supress a child, they grow into a flamboyant and expressive adult. Take for example any famous person of the last 2000 years, If they were repressed as a child they reacted strongly in adulthood, not only in their public lives but also in their personal lives.
I give as examples of this... Adolf Hitler, Genghis Kahn, (my idol) Howard Hughes, Alexander the (allegedly) great, Liberace, Attila the Hun, Billy Connolly, Donald Trump and Michael Jackson. All of these people have done great things, not all of them were great people but they all shared a commonality. As children they were all affected by repression/misery and in adulthood they all sprang out into flamboyant and characteristicaly powerful people.
ERGO: People are like springs.
I rest my case, peace be with you all.

My Life in Shallow Waters

wylddaze — 2005-04-09T08:04:43-05:00

      Why do men buy Mercedes Benz?
What - You didn't know that?
Also, I'm looking for opinions of my new bowler hat... anyone?
C|:-)

My Life on Hold.

wylddaze — 2005-04-12T02:04:09-05:00

Note to self: when a hot redhead asks if you want to see her new nipple piercings, the answer is always : YES!!!
So anyway, I am a sick little wylddaze and not in the usual "suspended sentence" kind of way. I am in my bed with a head-cold. Not the kind of head I preffer in my bed but there you have it. I hate getting sick, it makes me feel like I'm losing time due to "unforseen circumstances". The arabs have a saying that "god deducts the time you spend fishing from the total". In other words if you are fishing then god stops the clock on your life. I wish it were the same for the head-cold, I feel like time is wooshing past while I am lying in a pool of my own misery.
"I like deadlines, I like the wooshing sound they make as they whizz past"    - hitchikers' guide to the galaxy-
In other gnus, big applause to the professor for the piercings and to Duckless for hers and may I say how proud I am of my son and his friends for this weekends' party-to-end-al-parties. Yes folks, the party started on friday night and continued for 66 hours! Not a bad effort at all, I am most impressed by the fact that no one was injured and that the police were not called (or at least none came).
And now, back to the nose room for the blow by blow.

My Life as a Proud Parent

wylddaze — 2005-04-15T12:04:12-05:00

It is a strange and wonderful thing to see your little boy, your son, ride his motorcycle up your driveway to to visit you. Since my boy got his m/cycle a few months ago he has taken to riding it very cautiously, which is a good thing I think. I am proud that he takes it so seriously and doesn't think it's a big game. I remember when he stood next to my Harley and barely came up to the handlebars! I used to have a phot of that but I can't find it, may have to rescan that one.

My Life as a Glitch in the System

wylddaze — 2005-04-16T06:04:46-05:00

Well don't ask me why my entries and replies keep repeating themselves, I have asked everyone and no one really knows. Someone said it might happen if you refresh the page before it is saved but that doesn't explain the replies being duplicated.
It's like that scene in The Matrix when the cat does the double pass by the door and it signals a change in the matrix.
In fact if I was a bit more paranoid.......
But anyways I have dug and dug and finally found the picture I was talking about in my last entry. For those of you bored enough to read my entries. Now image this.. my son is almost 6ft tall and looks not unlike Matt Damon (according to his hair stylist) but when he was about 11 he was a small-for-his-age, scrawny little stick figure of a kid with a huge grin and a big attitude. He was a nice kid though and his attitude was all about fun. This is the picture of him on my '92 fatBoy Harley "Long Tall Sally". No wonder I sold the bike and get the son eh?


My Life as the Father of the Groom

wylddaze — 2005-04-18T08:04:07-05:00

Well what a revelation today was. If ever we needed proof that Oz is the arse end of the world then today, it came. Check it: A family from overseas have been living here for over ten years, their kids have only ever known this country. They were given what they asked for ten years ago, a permanent residency visa and they started to make their new home, away from guns and bombings.
This week the immigration department found they had made an error in issuing the visa and have denied the family their residency. The family are being deported today. Now this might seem bad enough but wait, There's more! Because this is Oz and we are so stranded in the backwaters of the world and because we are stuck up to our knees in the sticky mud of our dogma, not only are we going to deport this wonderful family, we are going to send them the bill for it!!!!
Yup, that's right folks, we are not going to reconsider this matter at all, even though it was our mistake and you have made a new life here for ten years - and also, we are going to make you pay for your deportation as well! The father of the group wouldn't sign the documents of agreement and the department can't underdstand why. Gee, I dunno.
So, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Oz, please wind your watches back twenty years and be careful not to step in our dogma. I hate these bureacrats, so unfeeling and stupid and they make the rest of us look stupid; we aren't really that backward arsed you know, we're really quite nice once you get to know us.
In other gnus, so many of you asked for baby pics of my son "Purgatory.mindsay.com" that I have decided to post one. I warn you he was a pretty ugly baby though....

My Life as a Book Worm

wylddaze — 2005-04-19T01:04:42-05:00

So there's like a whole new pope. I thought it would take them days and it would be on all the news newtworks and stuff but nope, two days & a couple of votes and voila! If only the prime ministers' job was that easy to fill, or the president of the US. Think of the time saving! Think of the money they could save.
Also, I can't remember who put me onto this book "Pirates Of Pensacola" but it was one of you bloggers out there. I got straight onto amazon.com a couple of months ago when you mentioned it ( was it sandyquill?) and pre-ordered it. It came this week and what a great read, very funny and easy to enjoy. Love it thanks to whomever you are.
Yaaaarrr this little pirate is off now, it's 03:00 and ay'm tired... yaaar.

My Life as a Hat Rack

wylddaze — 2005-04-22T02:04:45-05:00

OK I think may have got it now... the "Fedora" icon. We have had the:
"Beret" icon ,{:-)
"Bowler hat" icon C|:-)
"Turban" icon (|||:-)
and I have been trying to make a "Fedora" hat icon like the one Indiana Jones wears; The very stylish Fedora that so many stars of old wore. I want one, in fact I am going to e-bay to get one now. In the meantime, thanks to someone on Mindsay (sorry I can't remember who) who came up with the idea of doing the image back to front (lateral thinking), I believe we have cracked it. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you... the "Fedora" hat icon:
( - : |7

My Life on ANZAC Day

wylddaze — 2005-04-24T04:04:37-05:00

From the office of Mr Beefy McManmeat.
So I am at the shops yesterday and I overhear these two young gels talking about their recipies for ANZAC biscuits and how they are looking forward to making them and trying each others' biscuits. It occured to me that this is a tradition that they have probably had handed down from their great grannies. I am really impressed by this act of tradition that these gels, who were only in their late teens or early twenties, have chosen to maintain. One doesn't really expect that teenagers are going to be interested in something that happened to their great grandparents.
For those who don't know, this year (Monday 25th April 2005) marks the 90th anniversary of the attack on the Turkish peninsular at Gallipoli, by the combined forces of the Australian and New Zealand Armies Corps ( or ANZACs ) The attack went on for several months and the ANZACs never got past the beach. The Turkish soldiers were resolute and were ordered to die where they fought rather than surrender. They did that in their thousands as did their enemy. The Turks were under German orders at that time and felt very resentful of this, as they and the Australians had previously enjoyed a very close relationship. Today, partly because of this battle Turkey and Oz enjoy a strong friendship.
The ANZAC biscuit was invented using sugar syrup ( Golden Syrup ) and coconut and was designed to stay moist for the several weeks it might take to get to the soldiers. It is a soft and chewy biscuit and is still very popular here in Oz.
So the recipies these gels were talking about were prolly very old family recipies and it makes me kinda proud that we have traditions that are still being kept alive today. I don't agree with war and I don't agree with aggression, but I do like the idea that kids my sons age know where they came from and what kind of people their great grans were.
As a footnote to this, Australia lost her only two submarines at this place and both were found as recently as ten years ago.

My Life as a Grown Up

wylddaze — 2005-04-26T08:04:12-05:00

So I have noticed something of late. When we are kids we go see each other just 'cos we can. As we get into our 20s we start to define our time more and spend time with friends when we are "doing" something with them like dinner or a movie or sports; this continues into our 30s and so on.
Today, I went to see a friend just because I could. No reason, just a visit. I called her earlier and said "let's just play this afternoon" and she said she wanted to get out of the office so..... we did.
We just hung out and went for a drive and did "stuff" and it was great. We plan to do this again soon. This all started with a spur-of-the-moment trip to the coast in her brothers' Porche a few weeks ago and it is becoming a real "thing". I like being immature, it's way better than being childish.
Also, I want to share this image I found on the net. Sorry for any breach of copy right, call me if you are the owner and want to abuse me for stealing it. I will gladly remove it if you ask me to. I just love it that's all.


My Life as Comic Relief

wylddaze — 2005-04-27T07:04:28-05:00

OK for fans of the prez, I apologise for the offence I am about to offer. You will have to admit it's funny though. OK here goes, a joke I was sent today....
President Bush was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation last weekend in Arizona. He spoke for almost an hour on his future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living. He referred to his career as Governor of Texas, how he had signed "YES" 1,237 times - for every Indian issue that came to his desk for approval.

Although the President was vague on the details of his plan, he seemed most enthusiastic about his future ideas for helping his "red brothers".

At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented the President with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle. The proud President then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they came to select the new name given to the Presid! ent. They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of crap it can no longer fly.

If you can't be a good example- then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.

My Life in Black Armani

wylddaze — 2005-04-28T01:04:03-05:00

My great aunt Gwendoline died on Saturday after a long illness and deep dementia. It was sad to see her like that and I only visited her once in the "home" because it felt so aweful to not have her recognise me. Of course, there is all the associated guilt that goes with that but I know she was cared for by her son. She hasn't been there in my life for a few years now but the funeral was sad.
I realised today that the way you face when you're buried depends entirely on the pall-bearers. Whichever way they pick you up and walk to the grave is the way you face when they bury you. Pretty arbitrary really for an eternal resting place isn't it?
We buried her today. As the professor would say: Mersh.

My Life as a Giver

wylddaze — 2005-04-29T04:04:08-05:00

So I met a gal the other day who is like me, likes to give the HJ but doesn't like to get the HJ. Now this leaves us in a quandry (wait, dictionary spellcheck...) Quandary, while we would both like to go down, neither of us wants the other one to do it. Does this say something about our self confidence? It is a sad state of affairs indeed when we are both so eager and yet not allowed to give so much pleasure. I have always been used to girlies who like to "get" but don't like to "give" but this one says it gives her "a sense of power". She says  she fully "gets" the whole Monica Lewinski dealio. In truth, so do I but for possibly different reasons.
Now this has raised questions and so I am putting them out to all of the bloggers out there.
1- Do we like the head-job or do we not?
2- Are we givers or receivers and if so, do we only give to get?
3-What do we like about it and what do we not so much?
I am interested to know details of all facets to this question so please feel free to give me all your info/gossip and stories. I look forward to the mail. Buy for now.

My Life in Prose.

wylddaze — 2005-05-01T07:05:53-05:00

I am the renewal of all that ends,
I am the death of all your enemies,
I am vengeance,
I am hope,
I am done.

My Life as The WHO

wylddaze — 2005-05-02T06:05:59-05:00

OK, I know this is going to offend some people, get over it. It is none-the-less true and I want to speak my mind.
Health Warning
The World Health Organisation today issued a new warning against non-essential travel to the entire Western Hemisphere, following renewed concerns about the spread of Severe Loss Of Perspective Syndrome (SLOPS).
Officials are warning travellers not to visit the UK, the US, almost all of Western Europe, Canada and Australia, following outbreaks of the disease, which has led to mass panic among the media, thousands of ecstatic children being kept out of school by their credulous and moronic parents and increased profits for DIY stores as the idiot public rush to bulk-buy face masks and plastic condom suits.
A WHO spokesman said, "You’d be better off going to somewhere like Taiwan or China or Uganda, because all you’ve got to worry about there is SARS or Ebola and let’s face it, you’re about as likely to die from that as you are from getting kicked to death by a gang of zombie nuns."
The SARS and Ebola variant viruses have now claimed a staggering 750 lives in only 2 years which makes it considerably more deadly than, say, malaria which kills around 3000 people every single day and 500,000 children under 5, every year. Malaria, however, mainly affects darkies what speak foreign, whereas SARS has made at least one English person feel a bit iffy for a couple of days and is therefore considered much more serious.
The spread of SLOPS has now reached pandemic proportions, with any high level politicians seemingly affected by the disease. The rapid spread of SLOPS has been linked to the end of the war in Iraq and the need for Western leaders to give the public something else to worry about. Otherwise, they might start asking uncomfortable questions about domestic issues and that would not do.

My Life - Sleepless.

wylddaze — 2005-05-07T07:05:31-05:00

No sleep in 3 days. I doze for an hour or so and then dream and wake up soaked in sweat and afraid.
Anxiety attacks. Bad dreams of people burning. Walking, talking going to work but all the time burning.Heart racing at umpteen million miles per, can't breathe.
I neeeeeed some sleep, so tired, so miserable. Baaaaaaad headaches, won't go away. Can't focus, can't relax, can't sleep. Lory, we must swap blog names dude.
Made cookies, mmmm taste the chockie goodness.

My Life as The Birthday Singer

wylddaze — 2005-05-09T06:05:00-05:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR CRYSTALRAIN,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU.
-
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU,
YOU LIVE IN THE ZOO,
YOU LOOK LIKE A MONKEY (SPIKE),
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND YOU SMELL LIKE ONE TOO.

Hope you had a spesh' day spike
<|:-) - party hat xx

My Life as a Comedian

wylddaze — 2005-05-11T08:05:33-05:00

OK - so there is a catholic, a jew, a muslim, a buddhist and an ego-deist in a life raft. Their boat has sunk and they are on the open sea with enough food and water for 7 days.
The jew says: "so, this will be a nice way to get to know each other."
The muslim says:" and we can discuss the nature of life while we wait for rescue."
The buddhist says: " and look how lucky we are to have all this expanse of water to help meditation."
The catholic says:" and god will direct our rescuers to us while we chat."
Hearing all this, the ego-deist steps to the prow and rocks the boat so hard that all the others fall into the sea. He then proceeds to row away from them. weeks later when he is rescued by accident, he is asked how he survived.
"Oh" he says " I just had faith in myself and god took care of the rest."

My Life as a Satirist

wylddaze — 2005-05-12T02:05:26-05:00

Sorry to all you Bush fans but this was just too precious to miss.

My Life Condemned

wylddaze — 2005-05-14T05:05:28-05:00

As strange as it sounds, you can advertise on people! Just go to e-bay and search "advertise". You will find a pregnant woman offering advertising space on her belly for 7 months, a woman in Manchester (pardon the pun) leasing her breasts for advertising - and yes, they are large enough! There are also people letting space on their cars, on their backs and of course on their houses. What will they think of next?
This is unnacceptable, I object Judge Worm your honour:
The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
Level Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers) Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers) Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful) Very High
Level 3 (Gluttonous) High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious) High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy) High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics) Very Low
Level 7 (Violent) Very High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers) Very High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous) High

Take the Dante's Divine Comedy Inferno Test

My Life sleek and Modern

wylddaze — 2005-05-17T06:05:33-05:00

Last week Australian Minister for Health Mr Tony Abbott (and yes our treasurers' name is Costello) made a public statement that Australia is winning the "war on drugs". In fact he said that illicit drug use was down across the spectrum and that it was now extremely difficult to find heroin or cocaine and that fewer people were using marijuana now than 20 years ago. he added that the use of ecstacy (barbie) was in decline....what the?
I don't know what planet he comes from but I hope it's noice there. I am not a user of the white powders but even I know where I can get it if I chose to start. Now don't get me wrong, I don't use 'em and don't want my children to use 'em but I am an anarchist and I do believe it's your choice what you do to your own body; But can anyone seriously believe that this propaganda is anywhere near the truth? Puh-Lease!
As for marijuana, let's be honest, in this country unless you have a 1/2 tonne of it the police won't even bother with the paperwork. In my city, a person is allowed to grow 3 plants for personal use anyway. We mainly grow it for export to Bali - AS IF!!!!! Don't worry Chapelle, we know you didn't do it. (reffer to news of drugs bust in Bali when an Aussie girl is accused of importing weed into Bali.) It would make sense though, as ganja is really hard to get in Bali.
So the propaganda war on drugs continues, let's hope we have better luck with the propaganda war on terrorism. I think we need to have a propaganda at this whole "war" issue (that's a little joke for the aussies in the audience.) So for now, peace out and enjoy your drug free, crime free, terror free environment.
Sha, of course.

My Life as The Tax Man

wylddaze — 2005-05-18T10:05:45-05:00

Caution: some readers may find the following dull.
I found this pretty interesting , let's put tax cuts in terms everyone can understand.

Suppose that every day, ten people go out for dinner and they all get the same meal. The bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:
- The first four (the poorest) would pay nothing.
-The fifth would pay $1.
-The sixth would pay $3.
-The seventh $7.
-The eighth $12.
-The ninth $18.
-The tenth (the richest) would pay $59.

So, that's what "they" decided to do. They ate dinner in the restaurant every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a problem. "Since you are all such good customers," the owner said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily meal by $20."

So, now dinner for the ten only cost $80. The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes. So, the first four were unaffected,they would still eat for free. What about the other six, the paying customers?
How could they divvy up the $20 windfall so that everyone would get their 'fair share'? The six paying customers realised that $20 divided by six is $3.33. If they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth and the sixth would each end up being 'PAID' to eat their meal.

So, the restaurant owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each person's bill by roughly the same amount, and proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay. And so -

-The fifth, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
-The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% savings).
-The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28% savings).
-The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
-The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).
-The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).

Each of the six was better off than before. The first four continued to eat for free. Once outside the restaurant, they began to compare their savings.

"I only got a dollar out of the $20," declared the sixth, pointing to the tenth diner "but they got $10!"
"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth. "I only saved a dollar, too. It's unfair that they got ten times more than me!"
"That's true!!" shouted the seventh. "Why should they get $10 back when I got only $2? The wealthy get all the breaks!"

"Wait a minute," yelled the first four in unison. "We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!"

The nine surrounded and beat up the tenth diner. The next night the tenth diner didn't show up for dinner, so the nine sat down and ate without number ten. When it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

That, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up at the table any more. There are lots of good restaurants in Europe and the Caribbean.

My Life as Quizz Host

wylddaze — 2005-05-20T06:05:04-05:00

Answer me these questions three.... (5)
1. What, is thou name? Sir Chiron deMolis
2. What, is thy quest? I seek the holy grail of Antioch. Actually my quest is to become enlightened in this life and achieve my purest state.
3. What, is your favourite colour? um... yellow.
4. What, are your thoughts on 'Love'? Love is an illusion that drives men and women mad with heart-ache. OK seriously, I think too many people think of love as being the "thing" they will find when they find the person who "completes" them. I believe love is what I feel for people who I admire and respect greatly. Love is something I feel for someone, not something I get from someone. I do not look for someone to complete me, I look for someone I think is so nice and open hearted that I want to spend my time with them. I "complete" myself, by achieving my goals and by being the person I want to be, someone I like being and am happy to be. I complete myself by enjoying what I do and by being who I am.
5. What, is your favourite resturant in Canberra? um... Belluccis' no wait, La-Scala... oh shit. aaaaaaaaaaaaaargh.

Interview Me.
1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your LJ with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.
(Kudos: Dancingteardrop)

My Life as Weather man.

wylddaze — 2005-05-23T08:05:31-05:00

So I don't know if a lot of people know about the ferocious storms we have been having in Perth, western Australia lately. here are a few pics of same. Seems El-Nino likes to dry out one side of the country and drown the other. Speaking of which big news this week of the melting of the glaciers in greenland... you might like to read my recent blog on the subject. I shal now make another prediction...
In middle to late 2006 Australia - the driest inhabited continent on earth - will go from 7 years of drought to three years of massive rains causing floods and loss of crops. - You read it here first people.
Now let's see those pics shall we?

My Life Laughing Quietly

wylddaze — 2005-05-24T02:05:33-05:00

This has really been a great year for standup comedians in Oz. Firstly we have the tale of the devout Muslim woman who demanded that she be able to have her face covered on her drivers' licence (that's how we spell it downunder folks) photo.
Now call me pedantic if you will but isn't it the purpose of the licence photo to identify the driver?  I used to work at an airport where we checked passports all day long and when we came to muslim women who covered their faces there was a very simple procedure. We got a female officer to take them to a secluded room and check the passports with the indiviuals. See? Easy really isn't it?
I did once see a passport photo of a woman in dark glasses that almost covered her face - but she was french and we didn't really care if she was a terrorist going to France. Note to all: don't fly Air France nobody really checks their shit out.
Then, we detained an Australian citizen for having an expired visa. Not the credit card, the entry visa. She was a citizen and she spent months in a detention camp while also being on the national missing persons list. Welcome to Oz, please set your watches back to the 1850s.
Then we deported an Aussie citizen to the Philipines!!! I mean what do you have to do to prove you belong here, get deported?
Last month the japanese whaling fleet - who only kill whales for scientific research... which has never been forthcoming - started to chase minque whales into Australian antartic waters. The Oz gumbyment made a strong protest to Tokyo, which the japanese steadfastly ignored.
Imagine it, there is little Oz standing at the beach with a towel over its shoulder, waving its fist at Japan shouting "bugger off you narsty fuckers" and there is Japan... looking the other way.
The Aussie prime-monster, Mssr John Blowhard said that Australia would take no action against the whalers. Mind you, two years ago our navy chased a fishing boat for two weeks because they were poaching Patagonian Toothfish. Apparently whales aren't worth much to anyone these days except the japanese sushi chefs, sorry I mean scientists.
If it weren't for their gorgeous women, I'd say it's time for another arse kicking!

My Life Philosophically

wylddaze — 2005-05-25T12:05:14-05:00

Borrowed from gatecrasher@mindsay and slightly modified:
                                   Life is hard, bring a helmet.

My Life On Sick-Leave

wylddaze — 2005-05-30T04:05:59-05:00

                           Public notice:
Wylddaze is away sick this week but hopes to return by Friday. Thanks for stopping by.

My Life in Good health

wylddaze — 2005-06-06T06:06:51-05:00

Weeeeeell that was a helluva week! Word of warning.... Don't get this years new and improved 'Flu ... it's a bitch with attitude!
You know for a bloke who has no life I have had a remarkable week. Every night there was something to do, somewhere to go and/or someone to see. I haven't been online for days and I really feel like I might be having some kind of a life.
I should have called this entry " how to have a life and influenza people" Bit of a play on words for those of you who read.
Sunday was a ripper. I was invited by a good friend of mine to go to a corporate function. I don't follow football as a rule and while I enjoy watching a game I couldn't follow it week in/week out as some do; I just don't find it that fascinating. That said, the function was in the Foxtel sponsors box and the food and beverage was free-to-air so I was quick to accept. The invitation said "jacket and tie" so I finally got to wear my old Armani jacket - ebay $100 - and my Royal Australian Navy cufflinks - gift from a mate -.
Friend "G" turns up to pick me up on the way, takes a look at my outfit (black pants, black shirt, taupe jacket ) and my newly bleached hair (see next paragraph) and says "Malcolm Mcdowal". I was ready for the day dearest reader and it did not disappoint me. Good food, lots of be-ah and a good game of sport with lots of hot women to gaze at during the breaks, manly-man stuff. Ugh, bring more meat!
So onto my new hair.... what can I say? My hair-cutter is really hot and I wanted to spend as much time with her as I could? It was free? OK seriously, she is hot but that wasn't the reason, I just wanted something very different and this was it.. I got my hair bleached blonde!! It is soooo bright it can be seen from space! I am amazed at how people treat me differently too. Girls flirt more and service people seem to be more interested in helping me out. It's weird but now that I have seen it first hand, I see it is real. Your hair colour really does make a difference to the way people interact with you.
Anyway that has been my week and I will post something really political on my next entry, like " what if Schapelle really is guilty?"
There are two people who had asked to be quizzed and you will both be sent questions tonight... later ok?
Thanks for joining me, good night and god bless.

My Life Relationship

wylddaze — 2005-06-08T07:06:41-05:00

Well, it happens in every relationship I guess, that point at which you must decide if it is worth going on and investing more or if you should just pack your bags and fuck off. That point came in my relationship yesterday.
I have to decide whether to stay and put more effort in to something that may not be worth it in the long run, or leave and cut my losses. It is so hard to decide these things and I am glad I have some time to do it. Of course if I decide to end it, there will ve the ususal pain and the heartache of missing my other half but in the end it might be best for all concerned. I will regret it for a while but I know I will get over it and then of course, there will be some new adventure to take my mind off it all.
I guess it all came about when I was told by the surgeon that there wasn't much hope and that the time was approaching when I would have to consider major surgery.
Do I want to go through all that?
Do I want the expense?
But then, I do love my car and frankly, she is worth it in the long run. I mean I would miss that gorgeous face and that voice and those hot, passionate bursts of thrusting energy she so readily delivers. Oh yes, she's a keeper I think.

My Life, way Too Much to Say.

wylddaze — 2005-06-09T05:06:49-05:00

OK there is sooo much to say and so little time to say it all.. or write it anyway.
First of all Russell Crowe: do we need him?
In fact, do we need Kiwis at all? Derryn Hinch and Russell Crowe have both been total screwups this week and they are both New Zealanders trying to be Aussies. For the information of our U.S. friends Derryn Hinch is a TV presenter who made an almighty mess this week by saying that one of our greatest TV personalities (who recently died) died from AIDS! No proof, just a comment made on national telly because he felt like it.
Why is it that we put refugees from dangerous countries (and sometimes our own citizens) in detention camps, while we let these kiwis round around freely? I mean what the hell has N.Z. ever done for us? Apart from international humiliation, nothing. I have done some research and found that they come from a couple of islands off the east coast of OZ, I vote we send them all back there. They killed my airline, they have embarrassed my country and they have a silly accent!!! Fuck thum all!
item 2:
My son the adventurer, recently sold me on the idea of public transport. It truly is an adventure to be had in your own back yard. On my "days off" I like to go on a public bus and see the city. Yesterday, I was catching a bus from Fyshwick (an industrial suburb of Canberra) and at the bus shelter I found: a porn tape and a box of Ritz crackers. It was obviously someones' idea of a great afternoon to sit on the couch and watch "big lesbians" while munching away on some crumbly biscuitry. Why would someone forget their porno in a bus shelter? Was the bus driver a woman and the guy was too embarrassed to bring it on with him? Was the bus driver a lesbian? We will never, ever know.
The bikkies were ok but the tape was crap.
Item 3:
have you ever heard of the "Jack Jumper ant"? It lives in Tasmania (an Australian state of mind) and it can kill a person. This little, tiny ant contains a toxin in its stinger that impersonates several hundred different kinds of allergen. so if you're allergic to bees or honey or peanuts or any one of a hundred other substances and you get stung by one of these little critters, you will have the reaction you would expect from that substance.
People have died from just one ant sting!! Ya gotta love this country, it's harsh and dry and somehow so beautiful at the same time. Australia is like the person you loved, who treated you like crap; it is there and it is what it is, like it or not. Get Used to it, get over it or get out.
Now, I am off to investigate bus shelters. I'll let you know what I find.

My Life in Humour

wylddaze — 2005-06-12T04:06:42-05:00

I needed a larf today so I thought I'd share it with y'all. Words by Peter Kay, a popular comedian from Eyre (Ireland).
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered 'French Toast during the Renaissance'.

Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough."

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

You know that look women get when they want sex? No? Me neither.

Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

My Life with Obscure Language.

wylddaze — 2005-06-13T06:06:32-05:00

On the subjects of:
Spoons
Cheese
&
Smelly Feet
I have nothing to say but I do want to make an observation on words.....I think we should use obscure words more often. Some friends of mine have taken to using the very old form of Hurrah: Huzzah. I think there should be more of this and I propose therefore, to use the words:
Hoi-hoi ( a greeting)
Cad ( a shady dealer)
Mountebank ( a snake-oil salesman)
and my personal favourite....
Jiggery-pokery (shady dealings)
more often. I invite you all to do likewise. Don't worry, this is not some jiggery-pokery, this is all above board and on the level.
Cheahs all, feel the love people.
,{;-)
P.S: for anyone who doesn't yet know, goddesseunomia@mindsay is a hottie.

My Life Almost Asleep

wylddaze — 2005-06-14T10:06:01-05:00

In 1981 the Pope died, Prince Charles got married and Liverpool were crowned Champions of Europe.
This year the Pope died, Prince Charles got married and Liverpool are the European Champions again.
- Coincidence? I think not.-
In other gnus today I would like to extend a Hoi Hoi to the group of girls who woke me this morning at 09:30... an hour after I got to sleep. That's OK though I had to be UP IN 4 HOURS ANYWAY!!!!!
As much as I love you all and would want to celebrate your birthdays and stuff... I love sleep and I get so little of it as it is. Sorry if my muffled " FUCK OFF" (my head was under the pillow) offended you Le Short.
I had someting else to add and now I've forgotten it, must be a blonde moment. So this is what it's like.
Oh well, next time.
Cheahs all.
Chi. xxx

My Life at The Movies

wylddaze — 2005-06-18T10:06:24-05:00

Movies are a lot like food and sex. There are those that are filling but not very creative or stylish, there are some that are fast and tasty but in the end cheap and easy. Then there are the ones that are beautiful works of art that you can savour and enjoy. These are the ones you buy and then put on the shelf for a few months because you don't want to abuse the experience. One such motion picture is :"HERO". It's a chinese swords'n'sandals film made in the desert of northern China and it is absolutely stunning, a visual feast. This is a real gourmet item to be enjoyed on different levels and as often as you dare. It stars Jet Li and various others who are famous in Hong Kong and China. I watched it because I like Jet Li and his style of martial arts which is a very old and traditional style of Wing-Shu. It looks more like dance than anything and it is hypnotic to watch his movements in the first sword fighting scene. I am not a fan of the stylised wire-flying in Chinese cinema but it is minimal in this one, unlike "Crouching Crap, Hidden Meaning" which was a good story done wrong. There are violin solos played in this movie by none other than itzhak perlman . The music is so beautiful it haunts you for hours afterwards. Anyway rent it, watch it; you'll laugh, you'll cry it'll change your life.
In other gnus I have found a great website at www.retro51.com where you will find the present I bought myself the other day. It's a beautiful cognac coloured fountain pen with antique gold trim called the "tornado". Check out the site, it's great, they sell a lot of retro designed stuff including some unusual things like this tissue box where the tissues are drawn through the statues' nose.

I dare you to not find this funny. Also, here is a pic of my pen which I love.
Don'tcha jus' lerve it??? I do, I sleep with it. One more, in case you're interested in the car I want to buy. It's called Tri-Magnum and it's a three wheeled marvel, look:

Say-ex-aaaaaaaaaayy baby. You know it is.
You know the very best times are the ones you don't plan. I spent the afternoon with my son the other day and we had lunch and shopped and had coffee and bought flowers for girls.. well, OK I bought flowers for a girl. What can I say, she's hot and I'm a dirty old guy. The point is that we had a great afternoon and none of it was planned, it grew organically from the moment. The best part is that we are so similar in the things that make us laugh, people look at us like we're carrying guns I swear. We both talk a lot and stuff just gets said that is funny and it makes us laugh like fools on the spur of the moment. Like when we were on the escalator and he said something that was soooo funny and we both burst into laughter. The people on the opposite side escalator were looking at us like we had thrown a baby overboard. That's an inside joke for Aussies, sorry everyone else, it would take too long to esplain. I am glad my boi and I get to share laughs, so many fathers miss out on soooo much, I am truly blessed.
Anyway that is all my gnus tonight, happy birthday Laine@mindsay, 21 today!

My Life in a Name

wylddaze — 2005-06-22T12:06:50-05:00

So I finally saw the whole Tom Cruise vs Reporter thing and lo-and-behold I find I have to agree with him. Who'd a thunk it? Me agreeing with him? That reporter was a jerk-off.
So what is in a name? Well here are two examples of just that:
1- I saw on the T.V. gnus on Foxtel, a story about a guy who refused to pay the 18% "service fee" -read "Tip"- on his restaurant bill at the end of the evening, because he didn't think the service was that good. "Fair enough" I say, if the service is crap I don't tip either. The restaurant owner says that the "service fee" is stated clearly on the menu and that he expects it to be paid, so he calls the cops. The guy gets arrested by the cops after being pulled over on his way home (his kids and wife were also in the car). The cops charged him with stealing services and he is ordered by the court to pay up. The name of the restaurant? Soprannos in New Jersey, I shit thee not. If that was me at the Soprannos restaurant in New Jersey..... I'd have paid the whole damned bill!! What, are you kiddin' me? Dey coulda whacked da guy.
2- We in Oz are proud (not) to have a radio "personality" who calls herself "Jackie-O". Seriously, she does. Now I dunno about anyone else but for my money there has already been a "Jackie-O", she was the wife of JFK and Ari Onassis. Hence the name "O" ( not from the movie of the same name) Jackie Kennedy-Onassis was the very image of elegance and classic style and this pretentious "pretender" certainly isn't. Hmmm, maybe she is referring to the movie "story of O" after all.
Anyway that's my bee-atch for the day, g'nite.
,{;-)

My Life Confoosed

wylddaze — 2005-06-23T11:06:27-05:00

Well I am confoosed. I want to tell you about why I am boycotting McDonalds but I also have this really funny thing to show you all... what to do, what to do. OK, I like to share the humour so I will share the funny stuff and then tell you the other thing tomorrow night. Here it is: UNCLASS FW: McDonnell Douglas Warranty Card This was allegedly posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas Website by an employee with a sense of humour. The company, removed it almost immediately, the 'IMPORTANT' note at the end is worth a read. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.
1. Title
[_] Mr.
[_] Mrs.
[_] Ms.
[_] Miss
[_] Lt.
[_] Gen.
[_] Comrade
[_] Classified
[_] Other
First Name: .................................................... Initial: ........ Last Name:.............................................. Password: ....................... (max. 8 char) Code Name:..............................................
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: .
2. Which model of aircraft did you purchase?
[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth
[_] Classified
3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): ......./......./......
4. Serial Number: . ......................
5. Please indicate where this product was purchased:
[_] Received as gift / aid package
[_] Catalogue / showroom
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order
[_] Discount store
[_] Government surplus
[_] Classified
6. Please indicate how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:
[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Espionage
[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one
7. Please indicate the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
[_] Style / appearance
[_] Speed / manoeuvrability
[_] Price / value
[_] Comfort / convenience
[_] Kickback / bribe
[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Backroom politics
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat
8. Please indicate the location(s) where this product will be used:
[_] North America
[_] Iraq
[_] Aircraft carrier
[_] Iraq
[_] Europe
[_] Iraq
[_] Middle East (not Iraq)
[_] Iraq
[_] Africa
[_] Iraq
[_] Asia / Far East
[_] Iraq
[_] Misc. Third World countries
[_] Iraq
[_] Classified
[_] Iraq
9. Please indicate the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the future.
[_] Color TV [_] VCR [_] ICBM [_] Killer Satellite [_] CD Player [_] Air-to-Air Missiles [_] Space Shuttle
[_] Home Computer [_] Nuclear Weapon
10. How would you describe yourself or your organisation? (Indicate all that apply.)
[_] Communist / Socialist [_] Terrorist [_] Crazed [_] Neutral [_] Democratic [_] Dictatorship [_] Corrupt [_] Primitive / Tribal
11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
[_] Deficit spending [_] Cash [_] Suitcases of cocaine [_] Oil revenues [_] Personal check [_] Credit card
[_] Ransom money [_] Traveler's check
12. Your occupation:
[_] Homemaker [_] Sales / marketing [_] Revolutionary [_] Clerical [_] Mercenary [_] Tyrant [_] Middle management [_] Eccentric billionaire [_] Defense Minister / General [_] Retired [_] Student
13. To help us better understand our customers, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:
[_] Golf [_] Boating / sailing [_] Sabotage [_] Running / jogging [_] Propaganda / misinformation
[_] Destabilization / overthrow [_] Default on loans [_] Gardening [_] Crafts [_] Black market / smuggling
[_] Collectibles / collections [_] Watching sports on TV [_] Wines [_] Interrogation / torture [_] Household pets [_] Crushing rebellions [_] Espionage / reconnaissance [_] Fashion clothing [_] Border disputes [_] Mutually Assured Destruction
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My McLife

wylddaze — 2005-06-25T02:06:15-05:00

So I am now going to Mc-bore you all with my personal Mc-bitch about a certain fast-food Mc-mega chain. I mean Mc-fuck me, can't they just say: "ok we are making a gazillion Mc-bucks, that's enough"?
I have decided to Mc-bannish their delicious, salty, fatty Mc-burgers from my life forthwith. I've always wanted to use that word (yay me! :-) ). I will no longer spend my hard earned shekels in their pre-fab, faster-than-light food Mc-stores, I will no longer bite into their succulent, flavoursome, crispy Mc-fries or their smooth-as-silk apple Mc-pies. No Mc-longer wilI I sate my deepest desires with the sauce-dripping goodness of the big Mc-burger.
This new hatred of the mc-glomerate ( I know it isn't a word but it's so right for that spot.) is born not from the recent docamentry (thanks Pauly) on SBS TV which catalogued a veritable Larousse of the diabolical methods of the Mc-glomerate, but from another special source.
The documentary ( "Mc-libel" ) listed a series of animal rights violations that are routinely carried out by the suppliers of animal products to the Mc-food chain. These included the butchering of cattle that are not actually dead yet and the mass gassing of chicks ( baby chickens not girls from the western suburbs.) which are "surplus to requirements" on a weekly basis. In short, these producers are so restricted by their Mc-contracts in what they can and cannot do and what targets they must meet, that they are cutting corners in their humane treatment of animals.
The film of the poor cows being hung for butchering by a hook through one ankle , while they were still calling and kicking was hard to stomach. The poor little baby chicks being dropped into the gas-bin was pretty crude as well. I am not a tree hugger or a greenie - wait, yes I am a greenie, OK but I understand that in the processing of animals, some mistakes will be made. I am not living in a dream where every animal is sung a lullaby before it is aneasthatised and then euthanaised but seriously, these things should be the absolute rarity not the daily event.
To get back to my original point... I am not Mc-boycotting them for any of the above reasons. I am Mc-boycotting them because they have chosen to cancel all their potato contracts with our lovely farmers in Tasmania in favour of going to New-bloody-McZealand!!!! As if the Kiwis have any idea about growing potatos. That Mc-sucks! I say keep the Mc-fries Mc-Ozzie and Mc-fuck the Kiwis!!! We grow perfectly good potatos in Tasmania and we have enjoyed them for many years without any incident at all. Now the Mc-glomerate have decided that it will be cheaper for them to buy the stinking produce the Kiwis sell. Well Good Mc-cluck to you but I won't be buying any of your trans-tasman rubbish from now on! I call upon all Australians to join me in this protest, at least untill they renew their contracts with good, wholesome Aussie farmers again.
Mc-Bugger me, I could really go a Mc-Oz right about now.

I look forward to a better future, a future where a chicken can cross the road without having its' motives questioned.
- Blognapped from: darkangel09mcr@mindsay
Can I get a "AAAA-MEN"?

My Life with Gloria Gaynor

wylddaze — 2005-06-28T02:06:29-05:00

I had so many things to write here tonight but it's 4 in the morning and while this would make a great blues song, it isn't. I have been on E-bay again.
-WARNING WILL ROBINSON-
Do NOT get onto E-bay while you are V-tired and it is 4 A.M.
So anyway I have decided to share a song that my lawyer friend Jenni sent me. She has waaaaaaaay too much time on her hands. It is sung to the tune of that fabulous Gloria Gaynor song of survival and success: "I will survive"
- sidenote: why is it that lawyers are so hot in bed? Any anecdotes about lawyers?-
So here it is:
At first I was afraid, I was petrified,
When you said you had 10 inches, Lord I almost died,
But I'd spent oh so many years just waiting for a man that long, That I
grew strong, And I knew that I could take you on. . .

But there you are, Another lie,
I was ready for a big mac and you've bought me a French fry,
I should have known that it was bullsh*t,
Just a sad pathetic dream, Should have known there was no anaconda lurking in those jeans.

Go on now go,
Walk out the door,
Don't you promise me 10 inches then turn up with only 4,

Weren't you a prat to think that I wouldn't catch you out, Don't you know we're only joking when we say size doesn't count.

(Chorus)

I will survive, I will survive,
Cos as long as I have batteries,
My sex life is gonna thrive,
I will always have good sex, with a handful of latex,
I will survive, I will survive. . .hey . hey

It took all my self control not to laugh out loud,
When I saw your little weiner standing tall and proud,
But to hell with all your ego and to hell with all your needs, Now I'm saving all my lovin for a cordless multispeed,

Go on now go,
Just hit the track,
Don't you bring me home no tiddlers,
Cos I'll always throw them back,
The only thing that I could do with a prick as small as yours, Is to stick it with a tooth pick and dip it in tomato sauce

chorus......

My Life in Celebration of Women

wylddaze — 2005-07-01T07:07:58-05:00

In appreciation of the beauty of women:
Let us venture to describe the beauty of women using the six senses shall we?
We see them as soft, flowing creatures whose every movement entices us. The gentle curve of a womans' jaw, near her ear is seductive and filled with promise as we kiss her there. The curves a woman has flow from her neck to her ankles and her very form is a concert of shapes. No wonder then, that a man named Pininfarina used the silhouette of a woman reclining to design his masterpiece, the 308GTS Ferrari. No wonder the car became so absolutely a mark of beauty. The rounded shapes of a womans' body are created to seduce the eyes and please the brain. Of course, skinny women also have curves but they are more subtle.
We hear them as water flowing through a brook or stream. The sound of a woman, the voice of her, is the giggling sound of laughter the water makes as it courses through the rocks of the river. The sound is made to capture our imagination and to leave us wanting more. Whether she has a gentle, light voice or a deeper, more seductive one, a woman can bring a man to heel with a softly spoken command.
As to a womans' scent, what can I say? Women are obsessed with perfumes, probably because their sense of smell is better than ours. Don't ask why, it has something to do with evolution if you believe in it or with the wont of god if you don't. It is a simple fact that women try to disguise their own scent by using others and that you will remember the love of your life every time you smell her perfume for the rest of your life. The love of my life wore Anais-Anais and I have been addicted to jasmine ever since. Such a lovely flower ruined by such a sad memory. To truly enjoy the scent of a woman you must find the taste of her.
To taste a woman is a wonderous thing. For myself, I have a fetish (one of many) for the taste of Loreal Glossy lipstick. To kiss lips coated in the aromatic gloss is heavenly indeed; but there are just two places where you will find the true taste of her. Just in the hollow at the bend in her elbow and in the back of her knee; you will find your tongue rewarded with the purest flavour of her. These are also the places where you will find her most delicious scent, there is obviously a fourth place but that is for another blog, on another day.
The touch of a woman is almost as enticing as touching her. Women have softer skin than we do and again you can attribute that to whatever you like. To hold a woman firmly while in the throws of passion is a delight to relish. Their shape and their form combine with their soft skin to make us want to envelope them in passionate embraces and hold them afterwards as if to protect them from some unknown danger. The way they fold into your arms and melt into your side is a measure of perfect design.
Of the sixth sense there is so much to add that I would exhaust my supply of cyber-paper trying to fulfill its description. That sense is the one that matters the most for it alone can obviate any or all of the others. It is said that women and men think quite differently and that while men are from one planet, women are from another. In my case this is more true than in most but I digress. The reason the two think quite differently is so that they can compliment each other and be better as a pair than singly. The sense of humour is more than just the description of things that make us laugh. The sense of humour is the representation in reality of our thought patterns. This sense when it finds a match, is more important than all the others combined for we will be with a person we can laugh with no matter what they look, sound, feel, smell or taste like. The only sound better than the laughter of your children is the laughter of the woman you love.
Why do I love women? So many, many reasons.


My Life is Offline

wylddaze — 2005-07-08T05:07:59-05:00

Due to a technical problem, Wylddaze is unable to blog for the next week or so. While I do appreciate your visits to the site, I will be unable to reply for some days at least as MY F****ing motherboard is fried like chicken. Also, there appears to be a problem with the mindsay site as I have been unable to make an entry in the usual format for a week or more. Maybe it's just me? regards to all untill I can make a proper entry, Chi. PS: A question to keep you busy: If I organise a "rap" concert, am I involved in organised rhyme?

no subject

wylddaze — 2005-07-11T06:07:36-05:00

OK, all those who believe in telepathy... raise my hand.

My Life, Tricked by Nature.

wylddaze — 2005-07-12T12:07:13-05:00

So I have been thinking a lot lately and I have realised something... nature tries to trick us at every turn! It seems to me that as my son gets older (he's now 17) I seem to remember more and more about what he was like as a toddler. It seems to me that I am reminiscing about his childhood, missing the little guy who used to depend on me for so much, who has now grown into the guy who rides his motorbike over to my house for visits.
Where did my little "creature" go? What happened to my little "buddy"? Where are those days now? I miss him so badly sometimes.
THAT'S WHEN IT HIT ME............
*drum roll please*
It's a freakin' trick!!!!! This is how nature prep's you for... dare I say it?
GRANDPARENTHOOD.
Oh yes, I see it all so clearly now, at first you start to miss the "little boy" who used to ask you such deep and profound questions with that serious look on his 5 year old face. Then you start to miss the "baby" that used to crawl around after you and chase you round the room squealing and then... then....*gasps* you're ready for the big one. That is when "nature" has you in its' sights, dead to rights, you're ready to take on the grandchildren because technically your own offspring are ready to reproduce (DON'T YOU DARE BTW!)
Well "Nature", if that is your real name, I have foiled your dastardly plan *laughs incoherently*
I have told my boi he is not to have any children untill well after my death. No one is going to call me gramps Gol'durn it.
Anyway that is all from the gnus disk at this time, stay tuned for film at eleven.

My Life Off-Line

wylddaze — 2005-07-21T12:07:42-05:00

If you haven't had a good laugh today I suggest you fix yourself a refreshing beverage and read this. If it doesn't make you laugh I will refund your money in full.
OK, so I have to apologise to all who have responded to me and not recieved replies. I am sorry for my apparent rudeness, I have been offline for a while now and here is why:
There is a lesson here for all of us: Do Not Forget the Fundamentals.
A few months ago my local power grid was struck by lightning; the result of this was a lot of fried computery and modemery. My modem was a victim of the blast and never recovered. It was a sad day when we had to replace her but it had to be done.
After that I bought a power board with a failsafe circuit-breaker in it and hooked it up in line with the power board we already had. itwas easier than buying a new extension cord and saved many valuable minutes of my life.
Of course recently my PC "Mother", has been playing up and finally stopped working a couple of weeks ago. I sent her to the shop to be repaired and was told after a week that she was all good. I returned her to pride-of-place on the desk and fired her up.... no result. Swearing and curse words uttered.
The boffin at the store told me she probably needed a new mother board as she was pretty old (3years) and prolly burned out. Alas, a new mother board was expensive because it required a new power unit and attachments because "they don't use that system anymore dude, it's practically a museum peice"
It's only 3 years old!!!!!!
Anyway, it turns out that I work with a boffin who likes nothing more than to build, disasemble and rebuild Pcs. Go figure, some guys are just like that I guess. He volunteers to help and I take the stack into the office for a week of surgery. it was quite distressing seeing 'mother' all laid bare like that in public for all the world to gawk at. My friend passing comments like " man this is old-tech" didn't help either. Anyway, after a week of this I was convinced that I should get another motherboard and that one of the other guys I work with (Dispatchers lead lonely lives people, remember that next time you dial the emergency number) happens to have one that:
"will work at twice the speed of the old one and is only half the size but will work with that power board and is even fitted with the latest flitzgurtle flashing paper farnarckling diode."
My immediate response to this offer was: "uh ok, can I buy that from you?"
I parted with my 60 shekels and felt confident that these two wunderkinder could prolly get mother back together again. I was also told that the screaming sound she had been making was due to a jammed fan bearing... OK then.
So tonight I returned home with mother wrapped in a blanket to keep the cold out and placed her ever so gently on the desk and proceeded to wire her up. Visions of Dr Frankenstein exclaiming "It's alive!" flooding into my dusty brain and a sly grin my face as I set up my 'creature of the night' to see what marvels she would now be able to perform with her new tubing and wizardry hooked up.
.......
A lonley and solitary "BEEEEEP" was her only reply to my proding.
.......
I hit the wall -literally- with my head.
It ocurred to me then that perhaps I had missed something. Some tiny little thing, some insignificant thing that would make all the difference. I unplugged everything and tried again. No better. I slowly replaced all the plugs and wires and waited for the one thing that would make her wake up. Nothing.
Then, I took out the power board from the powerpoint and moved the desk closer to the outlet.I plugger mother directly into the outlet, I pushed the start button.
The shining light and choral singing that emerged from my PC stack told me that I had forgotten the fundamentals.... I should have checked the $4.95 Woolworths powerboard first!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH.
In sport and at universities as well as the armed forces and the business world, trainers always teach you that when you are solving a problem, always start from the bottom and work up. It would have saved me time, money and most importantly face if I had simply started from the bottom and worked forward to the expensive end. So here I sit, looking sheepish but satisfied because while it took a fortnight and a bag of cash, I have this very quiet, very fast and very new computer to play with. More important though, I learned a valuable lesson.
Goodnight.


My Life in a Hurry

wylddaze — 2005-07-24T02:07:10-05:00

OK so my computer is still buggered and works only when it feels the mood's right. So many things to write about and no time. OK, items:
(1- It is my sad duty to report that the end of freedom as we know it, is in sight. New laws are being drafted to restrict the right of the individual to free speech. The new laws make it an offence to promote or incite violence or terrorism. Now with a bit of tweaking we can apply that law to almost anyone who raises his/her voice. The destruction of democracy will not be done by external forces, it will be achieved by fear. We will surrender our freedoms for the sake of being safer.
(2- Funny stuff: Jodee Berry of Panama city Florida is suing her employer. See, she works for 'Hooters' and they had a beer promotion on. The idea was that the staff who sold the most beer, won a new Toyota. When she sold the most beer they gave her... a new Toy Yoda. That's right - the Star Wars action figure. I'd sue the cheap fuckers too!!
(3- More funny stuff, from the "I can't believe this exists" file... an on-line map of all the public toilets in OZ.
- http://www.toiletmap.gov.au/
(4- Yet more funny stuff ( I am so good to you lot ) taken from actual medical records...
1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only 40 lb weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.
15. She is numb from her toes down.
16. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
17. The skin was moist and dry.
18. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
20. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
24. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. [Just how big IS "circus sized"?]
25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
27. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
28. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
My fav' is number 30, it gives me a horrid mental picture. So that's it from me g'nite. Muah XXX

My Life in Dreams

wylddaze — 2005-07-27T01:07:11-05:00

Did you ever have a dream that wasn't a dream? A dream that felt too real and that kept coming back? I have had a recurring dream for many years that I am in the water, falling. I am on by back and looking up as I sink into the blackness. I look across to my right and see another man there as well, I know I know him but I don't know his name in the dream. Somehow I know that he is a really good friend, someone I know very well. I look up and see that there is a great ball of fire above us. I know it's a fire and not the sun or the moon because I have the impression that it is night. As we fall into the darkness I wake up, usually in a cold sweat, clutching the sheets tightly.
Last night, for the very first time, the dream started before I am in the water. I am wearing the same dark pea-coat and black beanie, the sea is choppy and the wind is freezing cold. I am standing at the railing of a boat and there is a sudden burst of light. I fall backwards off the boat over the railing and into the water where the usual dream sequence starts. I have had the wind knocked out of me by the fall and am sinking, unable for some reason to move.
As I pondered this dream today I wondered if, since this dream comes to me often, this is a past life memory. The flash of light might be an explosion which I then see again as I look up from the sea. I wondered why I would be on a boat with such a low railing untill I realised I was standing on the deck of a surfaced submarine, possibly a U-boat. That would make sense since they recharged their batteries at night while running on the surface. What if the explosion was an attack? What if the fall didn't knock the wind out of me but I was actually shot? Perhaps that's why I am unable to move?
I have always had a facination with U-boats and have models, blue prints, books and movies on the subject. I used to draw them constantly when I was just a child and my favourite toy was my U-boat that actually had a motor and could dive in the swimming pool. Perhaps this is a past life memory after all. It would explain my paranoid fear of the sea, although my sister tells me that was a shark-related event in my childhood. Makes ya wonder eh?
Now for something completely different and unrelated.... A discussion my son and I had over lunch today:
If animals have attitude, would a Llama have lattitude? Would a Platypus have platitude?
Now for an incidence of coincidence:
Last week my ex-girlfriend was in hospital. This week my ex-wife is in the same hospital. I went to visit her today and asked at the front desk what room she is in.. it's the SAME ROOM!!!
Am I spooked by this?

My Life as a Film Critic

wylddaze — 2005-07-29T11:07:49-05:00

Spot-Quiz:
What do the following movies all have in common?
1- Dreamcatcher
2- Alien Hunter
3- Independence Day
4- War of the Worlds (remake)
answer at the end of this blog.
In the meantime, congratulations to my son purgatory@mindsay for his second place prize in his first photographic competition... well done Seige.
I made chili tonight and realised something; it doesn't look like chili untill you put the beans in does it? I mean you can put all the other ingredients in it but untill you add those beans it's just mince.
Am I the only one who wants a bumper sticker that says: "Caution: Suicide Bomber" ?
Some humour:
1.    Click on the link
2.    Click once on the Abominable Snowman and the penguin will leap from
the cliff
3.    Click on the Abominable Snowman again to hit the penguin as he descends from the cliff
4.    See how far you get! It's strangely addictive...

http://n.ethz.ch/student/mkos/pinguin.swf
I love penguins so much, I can eat a whole one all by myself :-)

And last but not least the answer to tonights' quiz....

My Life as a Film Critic

wylddaze — 2005-07-29T11:07:16-05:00

Spot-Quiz:
What do the following movies all have in common?
1- Dreamcatcher
2- Alien Hunter
3- Independence Day
4- War of the Worlds (remake)
answer at the end of this blog.
In the meantime, congratulations to my son purgatory@mindsay for his second place prize in his first photographic competition... well done Seige.
I made chili tonight and realised something; it doesn't look like chili untill you put the beans in does it? I mean you can put all the other ingredients in it but untill you add those beans it's just mince.
Am I the only one who wants a bumper sticker that says: "Caution: Suicide Bomber" ?
Some humour:
1.    Click on the link
2.    Click once on the Abominable Snowman and the penguin will leap from
the cliff
3.    Click on the Abominable Snowman again to hit the penguin as he descends from the cliff
4.    See how far you get! It's strangely addictive...

http://n.ethz.ch/student/mkos/pinguin.swf
I love penguins so much, I can eat a whole one all by myself :-)

And last but not least the answer to tonights' quiz....
A: All the aliens in these 4 movies look the same! The heads at least, all look like they came from the same prop's department. Go on look, you'll see I'm right, they all have that same "cobra" style about them.
With that I bid you all a good night and a goodnight to all.

My Life in Little-Known Facts

wylddaze — 2005-07-31T05:07:22-05:00

Little known facts:
- The width of the ships in the US navy is determined by the width of the Panama Canal. Since warships of the US navy are expected to operate in any ocean at any time, they must be able to pass through the canal. The largest of the ships in the fleet has only 6 inches to spare on either side, so theoretically if you were a guy, pissing over the side of the ship as you went through the Panama canal..... gravel rash - ouch!
- According to geno-anthropologists (who study genes and human history), the human race came close to extinction 70,000 years ago when there were as few as 2000 individuals alive. They probably lived in northern africa and probably within a few hundred miles of each other in a few scattered tribes. At that time there were as many as 7 types of homonids alive in the same regions and dispersed further about the continent. Homo- Sapiens are the last homonid known to survive.
Good gnus and Bad gnus people:
The earth is being heated so fast by humans that we are in danger of extinction within a hundred years.
BUT, that is ok because life on earth has faced worse than us. The permian extinction which preceded even the dinosaurs, killed off as much as 98% of life on earth. It is likely that life will continue long after we have stopped damaging the environment. yay, the planet - Aaaaw, the humans.
It does of course, mean that there is less work for my people to do when the mothership arrives.
Film review of the week:
For those who like anime style films this is a classic to keep in your home film-library. The movie is called "AVALON", is directed by the same director who did "Ghost in The Shell" and the style is very anime inspired.
The story is about a group of people who play total-immersion, online games. They get "into" the game and play for virtual rewards. Their R/L world is very Orwellian 1984 style stuff and the images on screen are almost sepia toned.
Game players and film buffs alike will love this film and I recommend it highly. Look for it on the shelves in DVD format only.
Penis envy:
I want a T-shirt that says:
" CAUTION: Penis May Be Closer Than It Appears."
Muahahahahahahahaha and on that note, I bid you all, adieu.

My Life in Shock and Awe

wylddaze — 2005-08-02T06:08:38-05:00

So today I am wondering if crime really does pay. I was driving to Tuggeranong today to see my sons' print in his very first art exhibition ( MOT later) and I pull up at the traffic lights behind a black lexus 4WD. Now normally I wouldn't pay any attention to a Lexus, (they are just Toyotas after all) but this one was funny; the number plate said "THIEF".
The driver was a really hot looking blonde "soccer mom" type and I have a hard believeing she was a thief. Still, I guess you can never tell eh?
Now about this whole "art" thing. Recently my son ( purgatory.mindsay ) expressed some doubts about his ability to make actual "art" and that maybe he was disappointing his parents by choosing to follow a career in art. I have only two things to say about this.
1- I have always said I will be happy if you are happy with his career.
2- He not only won second prize in this, his first art exhibition/competition, he also sold his work on the very first night!
Big ups to you boy-child, well done. We the parents, are very happy. To be honest I thought your mother had bought it but apparently she didn't - How funny is that!!!
Anyway, that is all for this bulletin, peace and happiness.

My Life as an Alien

wylddaze — 2005-08-03T12:08:39-05:00

- SUPPORT BACTERIA, They're the only culture some people will ever have. -

I start tonight with a joke:
If the latin word for Earth is 'Terra' as in : "Terra Firma" meaning: solid ground. Is it correct to say that if I am a tree-hugging, earth-loving environmentalist, I am a "TERRA-IST"
Oh c'mon, you people wish you were as funny as me.
OK now for the apology.... as an alien living amongst humans, I have often had a hard time defending the actions of the scientific community; ours, not yours. I am now prepared to openly admit to and apologise for, the abductions.
Yes, we have been abducting people for hundreds of years, hell we even got a mention in the bible! I admit we have been abducting you but let's get serious for a minute shall we? It's really no different to the way you guys "capture" animals in the wild - sedate, probe, tag and then release them is it? I mean it isn't as if you had anything better to do at 3 am is it?
It's a lousy 45 mins to 2 hrs of your sad, pathetic little lives every few years just so we can get some data. If we took you for two hours once every 3 years, you'd lose less than a whole day in 30 years. You don't even feel it... well you don't usually remember feeling it at least. What else did you have planned in the middle of the night anyway? A walk to the fridge for a late-night snack? This is much healthier I assure you.
Besides all that, don't you always get a good nights' sleep out of it? Don't you always wake up feeling refreshed and rested? It's not like we make you wear some great big leather collar like the ones you make the lions wear.
Don't we always release you somewhere safe and comfy? we don't just put you down in the middle of nowhere do we? We don't just release you onto the tundra to fend for yourselves? We put you back in your bed... most of the time. Ok, sometimes we are in a hurry and have to put you down in a rush as close as possible, like in the kitchen near the 'fridge; sometimes.
The whole point of this is that we just want to tag and release you and get some data 'cos let's face it, pretty soon your species goes extinct and then 'poof', no more data. Hmmm I may have said too much there, just ignore that last bit OK? Oh c'mon it isn't that hard to ignore, you've been ignoring all the other evidence for years. There is just one more thing I want to explain... the crop circles? Um, we just do that to confuse the fuck out of everyone... sorry.
Oh yeah, the anal probes? Ah, don't know quite how to put this... we just do that for fun really.
Sorry, sorry no harm meant, sorry.

My Life In Memory of Hiroshima

wylddaze — 2005-08-05T09:08:39-05:00

In Memory:
In just over nine hours we remember for the sixtieth time, the dropping on Hiroshima and its citizens of the first, atomic weapon of mass destruction. In the following few seconds over 100,000 people were killed and many more whose details were never recorded. Those who remain unknown are the thousands of Korean and Chinese slaves who were living in the city at the time. Because no records of them were kept, we will never know how many actually died that morning.
Today, the authorities in Japan record the deaths of people who were in Hiroshima on August 6th, adding their names to the list of those killed by the bomb. No matter what the cause of death or how recently they died, they are recorded as bomb victims because that event changed the lives of everyone in the city that day, so profoundly.
It is estimated that over 200,000 people were killed by that single bomb, over a 40 year period.
It Begins:
Australias' prime-monster, John Howard said today that the most important civil right he or we have, is the right to live. This is the precurser to his new anti-terror laws which will restrict some civil rights and which are the beginning of the end for civil rights in this country.
The new mantra will be: "Limited Rights for Security Reasons"  Be afraid people, be very afraid, we have no bill of rights in this country and we are about to have our civil liberties restricted. I am moving to the "Islands" ASAP.
On those very sad notes, I bid you all a good night and a goodnight to all.
,{:-)

My Life as an e-Bay Shopper

wylddaze — 2005-08-07T04:08:30-05:00

My Life as an Abductee

wylddaze — 2005-08-07T05:08:49-05:00

OK, I know you will all think I'm crazy but I want to report an abduction. A little while ago I wrote a blog entry that was very funny and full of interesting tid-bits and then... when I came back a minute later to edit it... it was .... gone.
Just the header and title were left. There was no sign of a struggle and no evidence of any vehicles. The only conclusion I can draw is that my little blog was... abducted by earthlings (:-0
Yes, that's right I said it.. ab-duc-ted. Those bastards have taken my lil' blog and god only knows what they are doing to it.
*weeps*
Please, just bring it back alive.

My Life Held Hostage!

wylddaze — 2005-08-08T04:08:09-05:00

So, it seems our good friend fallingangel admits freely to taking my blog. Damn your cold black heart! The ransom demanded involves a poem involving a goat and the effects on said goat of viagra (whatever that may be). Here then, is your accursed ransom and I hope you choke on't.
There once was a goat called Billy,
who could make no use of his willy.
While he could piss like Niagra,
his frustrated wife -Allegra,
insisted he at least try, Viagra.
Right then FallingAngel (if that is your real name) here's your poem - limmerick to be exact - now where is my blog? If you've harmed a word of its phrases, I'll.......
<[:-)

My Life Returned

wylddaze — 2005-08-09T12:08:24-05:00

It has been pointed out to me that my limmerick was in fact, not a limmerick at all. So here is the revised version:
There once was a goat called Billy,
who could make no use of his willy.
His frustrated wife -Allegra,
insisted he try Viagra.
Now Billy is shagging her silly!
Withat out of the way, I am pleased to announce the return, through some circuitous means, of my original blog (stolen by aliens from fallingangel after she abducted it from mindsay - it's a long story folks) The blog follows:
OK, now I am the first to admit that I am addicted to shopping. I love the feeling of a good shopping spree, it's better than sex. Well....
I love to shop on e-bay and will peruse the site daily looking for a bargain. I am able to control my shopping though and am very responsible, maintaining a strict budget with very firm limitations... my credit card limit.
Every now and then I find something that I find hard to believe, like the toast with the iamge of the virgin mary or the Manchester gal who advertises on her tits for a fee. Yesterday I came across this:
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=8324668729&rd=1&sspagename=STRK%3AMEWA%3AIT&rd=1
Now, the first question is:
- "how did they get this off the JW that came to the door with it?"
and the second question has to be:
- "what did they do with the JW?"
I have visions of the householders burying the poor 'witness' in the yard or under the floorboards. I mean it's not like someone is going to just "loan" you their satchel is it? Anyway, you have about 3 days left to bid on this item if you want it. Never know, it might come in handy. I know a couple of 'Witnesses' and they are quite nice folks, not preachy or anything. They don't even mind having a drink with a heathen.
And now, because this is OZ and nothing here is sacred, the new perfume soon to be on sale in bali:



My Life With Not Much To Say

wylddaze — 2005-08-12T09:08:28-05:00

So I am looking through my emails and I come across this very funny link. OK, the link itself is not sooo funny but the blog it leads to is. Do try it won't you?
http://americaninlebanon.blogspot.com/2005/07/backstroke-of-west.html
In other gnus paleale has issued the challenge.. write a mindsay pome.
-Yes everyone, I know it is misspelled, that's what makes it funny , see it rhymes with 'poem' -
The challenge is for every one to wite a pome-blog on or before, Tuesday August 16th. I know I am going to try, I hope you will too.
I was asked by a dear friend of mine today if I would organise her wedding... 'really?' I squawked. I have no idea why she would ask me, it's not as if I have done a lot of them. Mind you she also said I am the most 'gay' straight guy she has ever met... might this have something to do with it? Maybe it's just my exquisite taste.
Welp, as the heading suggests, I don't have much to say so I will get back to my rat killing.
PS: a big hello to Keith, the Siberian Swearing Bear.

My Life in a Cave In Afghanistan

wylddaze — 2005-08-14T06:08:04-05:00

Well today I got two things on my e-mail that I feel I should share. The first is a baby-on-a-string and I want to make it clear that I do not condone this sort of behaviour.. it's funny but not recommended.
Click here: Elastic Baby <http://d93.k12.id.us/~tech/smile.html>

The second thing relates to an internal memo from the big guy himself... osama bin hidin'.
Subject: FW: Internal Memo
FROM:  Bin Laden, Osama.
TO:  All Al Qaeda Fighters.
SUBJECT:  The Cave
Hi guys.  We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really come together as a group and I love that!
However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave, and frankly I have a few concerns:
First of all:  While it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave.  We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation, (a health and safety issue) - so we need to sweep the cave daily.  I've done my bit on the cleaning roster- have you?
I've posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the Halal toaster/griller).
Second:  It's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the hell out of most of the world's population, okay?
That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background or keep doing the 'waaaaasssuuup' thing.  Thanks.
Third:  Food.  I bought a box of Bega cheese recently, clearly wrote "Ossy" on the front, and put it on the top shelf of the fridge.  Today, two of my Bega slices were gone.  Consideration.  That's all I'm saying.
Fourth:  I'm not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance ourselves from the Infidel's bat and ball games.  And please - do not chant "Ossy, Ossy, Ossy.  Oii Oii Oii"  when I ride past on the donkey.
Thanks.
Fifth:  Graffiti.  Whoever wrote "OSAMA F**** DONKEYS" on the group toilet wall, it's a lie.  The donkey backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain.
Sixth:  The use of chickens is strictly for food.  Assam, the old excuse that the 'chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain' will not be accepted in future.  (With donkey's there is a grey area).
Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soliders in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks.  I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar and Dave.
Love you lots, Group Hug.  Os.
PS - I'm sick of having "Osama's Bed Linen" scribbled on my laundry bag. Cut it out, it's not funny anymore.

My Life in Poetry

wylddaze — 2005-08-16T06:08:01-05:00

My pome as requested by paleale. I make 0 apologies for the fact that it's crap
------------ " Ode To The Aircaft in the morning " -----------
The cold, swirling mist
the dark before morn'
cloaked in my parker, I approach them
They stand aloof and uncaring, awaiting the day.
My Great Metallic Majesties
I stand before them
their faces, indifferent to me seek the light over the hill.
The mist is all about us, we are engulfed in it.
Soon my Majesties, your pilots will come,
Their faces are not indifferent to me
they are expectant of the light
when they will enjoy their nature, in flight.
Soon my Metalic Majesties,
your day will begin
you will follow my instructions
and we will make your engines sing.
I will fill you with food and people and fuel
but for now, in this moment
in the swirling mist
there is only me and you.
This pome reflects my personal attachment to the aircraft I worked with in my previous life as a 'tarmac monkey'. I used to love the solitude of being on the tarmac really early in the morning (0430-0500), getting the planes ready to start up and planning the schedule and the pattern for getting them all airborne for the days' work.
It was the best part of the job being on the black-top, all alone in the thick fog of freezing winter mornings with all those beautiful planes. I miss that soooo much.
Anyhow, that's my effort for poetry Tuesday.

My Life in Shame and Horror

wylddaze — 2005-08-17T10:08:50-05:00

Prologue:
I must begin this sad tale with a prologue to fill in the background details. As anyone who rides a motorcycle will tell you, the Volvo is the antithesis of the motorcycle. The two are philosophically opposed, one sacrifices pleasure for safety and the other risks safety for pleasure. Anyone, in any country on the planet who has ridden a motorcycle for than a month will tell you of their own 'close encounter of the Volvo kind'. I have been a motorcycle rider for more than half my life. this sets the background for what I am about to reveal.
Today, I took my car (Klaus) to the mechanic for some major work. The poor engine has done somewhere around a illion kilometres and is simply 'too tired to attend' anymore. There is oil gushing out of it and it isn't pretty, there is smoke plumeing out of it and it doesn't smell sweet. I have bought a spare and some other bits and the mechanic is going to transplant them over three days. This is where the problem starts.
They have a courtesy car ('bring the courtesy car round') and when they brought it out, I nearly died. It's a ....
Volvo.
The shame, the horror, oh the humanity!! I hesitated, I developed a cold sweat and eventually, I got in it, into the belly of the beast I strode. It was like being in the enemy camp or a flying saucer, very strange and somehow not right at all. I apologise to all you who drive Volvos, I guess someone had the get the short straw.
This thing drives like a truck but without the finess. It makes noises I can't trace and there are rattles and shakes I have no idea the origin of. At one point an orange arrow appeared on the dash, pointing up.  WHAT DOES THAT MEAN??? Of course my initial instinct was to look up but I still found no reason for an orange arrow light. I found myself looking at the roof of the 'car' asking out loud: 'what's that skip, what are you trying to tell us?'
That refference will be lost on anyone who has never seen 'Skippy the bush kangaroo' on telly. To say that this car is foreign territory is an understatement, I feel like the lost soldier on his eternal patrol. Thanks goodness I have no where to drive in the next couple of days, I will take buses or walk if I have to.
I love the Sweedish people but someone needs to tell them, the joke is over guys, we aren't laughing anymore.

My Life asking: 'What if"

wylddaze — 2005-08-21T06:08:54-05:00

What if: God is not just 'all things' but the only thing?
What if: everything we see, hear, taste, smell, sense and touch is all an illusion? Just a reflection of what is real?
What if: this universe as we perceive it is just an echo of reality?
Imagine that there is no universe at all, no earth, no 'life' as we know it. Imagine that 'life' is just a pale reflection of death and that they are the same thing. Imagine that the only reality is God and that everything else is imaginary.
What if: we live many 'lives' and many 'deaths' and we are only ever whole and 'enlightened' when we return to being a part of God? Imagine that god is not a being but a state of being.
What if: the only way to be happy is to be a part of the wholeness that is God? Imagine that God is the only thing that exists and that we are only reflections of it. Imagine that happiness is 'being whole'.
What if: the only way to happiness is to give up your personality, your 'being', your independent sense of 'entity'? Imagine that to be whole, you had to give up being you. Imagine that if you could release yourself into the greater wholeness of God, that you would be truly happy for all time.
Would you be able to give up everything you think you are to be happy? Would you be able to give up who and what you are to be a part of the greater wholeness of God? Would you surrender your 'self'? Would you be prepared to stop existing, even though you never really existed outside of God anyway?
How meaningless your daily trials would be, how empty the value of your possessions, how void your hardships and your pain.
What if: being enlightened doesn't mean giving 'things' up, it means realising that 'things' are meaningless and have no value anyway? Imagine that when you see that this universe is a shadow, then you can truly see the 'light'.
Imagine the perfection of existing without existing.
Imagine the perfection of being full of emptiness.
Imagine the perfect being of non-being.
Also, my foot hurts.



My Life in Slo-Mo

wylddaze — 2005-08-23T06:08:02-05:00

OK, I have been knocking the crap out of this Volva for a week now and I am about done. It is a gigantic white behemoth and it is draining my energy but I wuz brung up to say something nice or nothing at all, so I have found something good about it.
It has a really good heater. In fact the demister is pretty darn good too. I have to admit that when you slap on the heater, you get a ton of heat and the rear window gets de-iced in seconds!
Apart from that it is draining my mental energy, I find I am unable to make simple, everyday decisions like what colour underwear to put on or even if I should wear any!
I called the mechanic today since he hasn't called me; the car was supposed to be ready last Friday but now he says it will be ready tomorrow. He says there was a problem with the radiator. The Radiator???? What did he do to my baby???
Needless to say I am now very worried. the price he quoted me looks like a distant memory and I fear I will be called upon to pay a great deal more. I just want my car back.
*Sits on the floor and folds arms in a frump*
Not Happy Jan.

My Life on E-Bay.. Again

wylddaze — 2005-08-23T11:08:34-05:00

OK, so you have about 6 days to check this out, maybe less if someone at e-bay figures it out first.
As I have said many times I am an e-bay addict, I estimate I spend about 15 hrs a week browsing and more money than I care to think about, buying. Well tonight I was looking for some new shades. I've had my sunglasses for about 15 years and frankly, even I need some new stuff sometimes. Well, I came across a very ugly pair of Oakleys but what was even more odd was else is in the ad. Here is the link to go directly to it...
http://cgi.ebay.com/NEW-OAKLEY-STYLISH-TINTED-LENS-SUNGLASSES-Armani-Prada_W0QQitemZ8213987710QQcategoryZ15666QQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem
Now see if you can pick the odd thing here. It may be my imagination but I don't think so.
,{8-)

My Life Almost Human

wylddaze — 2005-08-26T06:08:15-05:00

First, I must apologise for the e-Bay wild goose chase. The goose in question was not found and I have egg all over my face. There was no delicious nakedness.
And now the gnus:
You know, there are some times when I almost wish I were human... almost. Sometimes they do such beautiful things that I am prompted to wonder what it might be like to have 'emotions'.
The other day I watched as two people just sat and looked into each others eyes, their noses almost touching, they had tiny little smiles on their faces and they looked so enamoured of each other. It was beautiful but then one of the monkeys had to open its' mouth and ruin the moment with something like 'so, wanna shag?'
UGH!
New on my list of things I love: My son had a driving lesson this morning and had an hour and a half between that and his first class at skule. One of lifes' great pleasures is meeting your son at a cafe for breakfast. What a great way to start the day.
On the down side of that is the idea of an omelette with Choriso sausage in it. There was enough salt in that omelette to kill a bullock! I can still taste it.
"Hello, hello is that Sandra Bullock? I've just eaten an omelette that could have, killed you."
New on my list of things I hate: I went shopping today, as you do and was standing in line at the checkout, not thinking about anything or looking at anything, just idling while I waited. I was called (as if by angels) and proceeded to the girl with the voice. That's when it happened! While I am walking towards her, she is picking at a zit on the side of her mouth. Out of the other side of her mouth she mews, "g'day". YES, that's what I want, someone who is picking at zits putting her hands all over my food!!!
ERK! *cringes* NOT!
Would you all think I was a tad too fussy if I said I washed absolutely everything in the shopping bag when I got home? 'Cos I did and screw you if you think that's overboard, I am not O/C.
And now, as requested by the ubiquitous wickedchild .... my hand:
I would like to thank each and every one of you for sharing this moment with me; now go away.

Some individuals' rights were probably violated in the making of this blog but as I have been told by my guild attorney, "just deny everything". No crminals were officially harmed, unofficially....well it will be denied.  Animals, different story, little 'Foo-Foo' had an office chair roll over her foot, and a spider lost its' life after coming down from the ceiling to say 'Hi' to our records person who unfortunately is extremely paranoid of eight legged freaks.

My Life in Springtime

wylddaze — 2005-08-31T09:08:32-05:00

Spring has arrived in Canberra. The cherry blossoms errupted from the trees today and started to fall to the ground almost at once. It is a beautiful thing to watch. Cherry blossoms remind me of a day long ago when my girlfriend and I climbed a tree in her yard to pick bucket-loads of cherries. Months later when she and I were alone, I almost had hers too. She had such perfect hair and such perfect lips and how magnificently she filled her jeans. I remember the slope of her heavy, alabaster coloured breasts and the pale, pink colour of her nipples.  Ah but for a knock at the door.... curse you BG for knocking on that door at that moment on that day, curse you forever.
By an odd coincidence, Florida and a few other southern states had a cyclone yesterday while we also had a night of ferocious winds and rain. It was not quite a cyclone here but it was odd to think that on the other side of the planet, people were watching their towns and cities being lashed by the same kind of (albeit worse) weather. I pray for those who are left homeless and for those who have lost loved ones and for the injured.
Klauss cam back to live at my house again yesterday. How often does your mechanic pay you? Mine did yesterday when he bought the wreck of the car I had aquired for its engine. Not only did they charge me exactly what they had quoted me to swap the engines, they also paid me money. Meanwhile my new engine is in good condition; I'm not surprised, it was 'jetted' at the factory for a large, slow car. My car is a small, fast car... at least it will be when I get the carburettor re-jetted. It's like 'Driving Miss Daisy' as my 'Italianna' says. Not nearly as fast as her Porche but then I don't need to be vulgar with money... 'specially since I don't have any.
I don't have much to add tonight 'cept sleep well and sweet dreams. Muah!

My Life in National Geographic

wylddaze — 2005-09-02T05:09:05-05:00

Terror report:
It is a sad say when terrorists have won. In Baghdad yesterday, a thousand people died when someone said they had seen a terrorist and started a stampede. That's a thousand people who died because of a non-existant terror threat. The pigs of the so called 'holy war' have won, we are terrified.
Nat-Geo moments:
In other gnus, I saw two things yesterday that belonged on the National Geographic channel. You know how you see on these wildlife shows, bugs try to kill each other and sometimes get killed instead? Well I saw a wasp land near a spider web and try to sting the spider who owned it. It was amazing stuff, this wasp trying to paralyse the spider and fly off with it, while the spider was intent on killing the wasp for dinner. I stood there and watched for about 10 minutes while the battle raged on. They showed so much stamina and such ferocious intent, it was very impressive.
There was another moment too, which was very 'Wild Adventures' on the way home from the city. I was driving along minding my own business, as you do when I came upon a horrifying scene. It is spring here and all the creatures (including myself) are looking for partners. We have a crested pigeon here, the name of which I do not know. They are prolific and they make a strange whistling noise when they fly off. I like them, they mate for the entire season and they fly around in pairs all summer. Well, one of the little beggars had been hit by a car and was very flat road pizza. Its' mate was running around on the road, to and fro in quiet desperation, as if it were simply in shock and didn't know quite what it was supposed to do. It fair broke my shrivelled, blackened heart to see this poor bird running to its mates' body and then away from the approaching cars and then back again. It just didn't understand what had happened. All month it had sought a partner and now when it was ready to raise little pigeons, everything came to a sudden stop.
I cried a little over that I will admit.
Flood Report:
The rest of the gnus is all over the internet and the TV, the floods in New Orleans etc. I never went there, pity. It seems that it doesn't take much for peoples' true nature to emerge does it? A few days without food and shelter and suddenly there are rapes and shootings. People are even firing at rescue choppers... does that make any sense to anyone?
Result:
So who won between the spider and the wasp? Well after a titanic struggle and a lot of stinging and biting, the spider ate the wasps liver. I wondered though afterward about the stings the spider took, did it get paralysed in the end? Too late for the wasp to profit but is the spider now laying in its web paralysed and dying? The killer, its last meal?
Larisa wherever you are, please come back to us, we miss you. xxx
That is all, over and out.

My Life Under a Beret

wylddaze — 2005-09-05T06:09:45-05:00

Is it just me or does 'The Cat in the Hat' look like the long lost twin brother of 'The Grinch'?
My new beret has arrived from the good ol' US of A and it's a beaut. Since someone stole my other one (and no, 'appropriating' is not an excuse for stealing) I have been at a loss. I have tried other chapeaux (as advised by my therapist) but they just don't have the X-Factor of the beret. So I got onto e-Bay - as is my wont - and looked for a new one. I found a beautiful, black leather one and bought it straight away. It's so cool. Also, my one-cent sunglasses arrived.. they aren't so cool.
Now about this hurricane thingy... I am so pissed off at these people who are complaining that the Australian gumbyment isn't doing anything to help Ozzies stranded in the New Orleans area. What would you have them do, send in the Australian Army? Invade the United States Of America? You know that isn't planned for another 200 years. As if the Ozzie gumbyment has any choices here, I mean don't get me wrong, I don't like the pricks but I am also not going to blame them for the weather up my butt on a given day.
This disaster has happened on US soil and they will handle it their way, the only thing our gumbyment can do is coordinate with theirs, it's just common sense people, stop blaming the nanny for the weather. Goodness knows the americans are handicapped by their own gumbyment as it is, they don't need us complaining too.
Then there are all these 'journalists' who are big-noting themselves about how they have been able to go into these areas and rescue Ozzie citizens. You guys are CIVILIANS!!!! Of course you can go in and 'rescue' people, you're given press passes that allow you entry to those areas. Nice bit of self-promotion there you self-serving hypocrites.
"Wanna improve your self-esteem? Be a journalist, you'll think the sun rises with your dick each morning."
I have had enough of you now, you may leave us.

My Life as The Font of All Knowledge

wylddaze — 2005-09-08T12:09:44-05:00

My Life the Second Time Around

wylddaze — 2005-09-09T01:09:43-05:00

So yesterday I wrote a blog about all kinds of stuff and then when I went to edit it, Mindsay wouldn't let me!! I know it was onsite because tess replied to it, having read it! Now I go online to read some comments and find that the whole entry is GONE!
Mindsay.com , what is going on??!!
So here below, I have tried to re-enter the whole thing as faithfully as I can. To those who replied to the empty blog - I love you guys, you're so sweet, thank you.
Meteorites:
Ever had those dreams that seem all too real? I have had lots of them and then when I wake up I think they were premonitions. Mostly they aren't but sometimes they are. Well I hope this one wasn't! I dreamed I was caught in a meteor shower. I tried to get away by driving out but one of them smahed into the bonnet of the car and blew the engine to bits. I forget the rest of the dream but it was mighty scary stuff.
Happiness:
someone asked me the other day, what I thought would make me happy. After much deep thinking and soul-searching (prolly the wrong term in my case) I have decided that what would make me really happy is a threesome with Minnie Driver and 'Janine'. Hmmm yeh, that would do it.
Drugs, getting high for the use of:
Whatever happened to good old fashioned hashish? These days all you seem able to get is leaf and bud. Ya used to be able to get nice sticky, moist hash. I miss that, it was such a serene buzz.
Bio-Diesel:
Wanna hear something really funny? The Australian gumbyment has drafted legislation that will make homemade fuels illegal! This has been brought about by the rise in the number of people making their own diesel fuel from the disgarded oils used in fast food restaurants. The restaurants want to get rid of the stuff and it costs them moeny to have it catred away. People volunteer to take it away and then mix it with a chemical that makes it into Bio-Diesel which can be used in diesel engined cars and trucks. the gumbyment says they want to ban it because they can't control the quality of the fuel it produces. Yeh, we wouldn't want diesel being dirty now would we?
Actually it's because they can't get the fuel-tax from people who make their own. It's the same reason growing tobacco is illegal.
Infobyte:
Did you know that 75% of the oxygen on the planet comes from.... KELP? Yup, that's right, almost all the o2 we breath is made by seaweed. Go the mighty Kelp!!
Global Warming 101:
It's all about carbon people. I can sum up global warming in one sentence. The more carbon in the air - the hotter the planet, the more trees - the cooler the planet.
It's all about carbon you see. When carbon is kept inert in organic material such as oil or trees or grasses or even animals, it's safe. When we burn these organic materials we release carbon into the air and it warms the planet. So the equation would look like this:
trees = good / burning trees = bad.
or:
T=+ / BT=-
Well, I hope that was at least something like what I wrote yesterday, I guess we will never know will we... unless mindsay.com suddenly have a memory reactivation.
I tire of you, you may leave us now.

no subject

wylddaze — 2005-09-11T05:09:54-05:00

My life is rated NC-17.
What is your life rated?

My Life on Toast

wylddaze — 2005-09-11T05:09:18-05:00

Oh the rain, the beautiful rain, how I long to strip off my clothes and run naked in its' embrace. Of course after what the judge said last time, I am not allowed to,
but I have a dream.
I dream of a day when a chicken of any colour, can cross any major road without having its' motives questioned.
I dream of a day, when a man can run naked in the rain without being arrested!
Anyaway, on with the blog.....
                              --------------
Things that made my shit-on-the-liver list this week:
OK, I am officially fed up to the back of my teeth with people who cannot drive!! If the sign says 100 you do 100! Not 50, not 60 .. 100!! That's what the sign is there for you morons! And if you don't give way to me when I'm merging, I will RUN INTO YOUR FAT-ARSED CAR!! It will cost you much more than it will cost me I assure you. Also, on 'round-abouts', give way is the rule not the suggestion-du-jour. People, giving way to other road users is both polite and sensible; It says that you are comfortable about yourself and self assured enough to give others equal use of the roads. It shows that you are OK with who and what you are and that you are not insecure about the size of your engine. It says that you don't really feel insecure enough to want to own this 8x10 piece of asphalt.
I hate stupid drivers and I can understand why people shoot each other at intersections. I would have shot someone just yesterday if I'd had a gun, because they were driving at 60 in a 100 zone. Anyway, that's all for the bug up my butt today.
Strange Coincidence? I think not:
Have you ever noticed those funnels that they sell in supermarkets? The ones for use in the kitchen that you always think you need but don't actually have? The ones you look at in the shop and think "nah, I'll get them next time". Well this week I bought some. Not because I needed them but because they were there and I have always thought that I don't have any when I really do need them. Then... I went to a homewares shop on Friday and bought .. new salt and pepper shakers. I say 'new' ones but they are actually my first ones since I haven't had them before. Hey, I'm a guy, we don't need them. Well, the first thing I did when I got them cleaned was to pour salt and pepper in them - as you do - WITH THE NEW FUNNELS!
How did I know I was going to need them?
How did I plan this?
Was I motivated by some unseen force?
Is there a greater force at work here?
I have no idea but it seems all too convenient to me. Still, it's really nice to have proper salt and pepper shakers eh? :-)
Odd Factoid for the weekend:
Did you know that you have to die the same sex as you were born? In this country (as well as in the USA) Even if you have a sex-change and live as the opposite sex all your adult life, your birth-sex is entered on your passport and also on your death certificate. So the 'state' decides that you are whatever you were born as, no matter what choices you make to change your life. Even though you may change your name and sex, the originals of both are entered on your passport and on your death certificate; so in reality you have no ownership of your life under the law.
Of course in more civilised countries where a person owns their life and not the state, people have the right to become whoever and whatever they want. I'm told it's called 'civil rights' or something like that.
Now we are spent, you may leave us, we wish to rest before the pre-dawn feeding.

My Life in The Real World

wylddaze — 2005-09-14T05:09:51-05:00

How's this....
Life as we know it is the extension into this reality of a spirit (or soul) in physical form.
So your body is like a physical 'glove' that your spirit is wearing while it's here, in this reality we call the universe.
This is where you spirit interfaces with reality as we know it.That's why we age and die, we are simply wearing out our existence. Almost everything you consume, from air to food is to some extent detrimental to your health. Even oxygen is poisonous, so everything you interact with is wearing your body out a little at a time.
Too much of anything is bad for you, even chocolate (Say it ain't so!) the healthiest peple are the ones eho consume less throughout their lives. lab rats show less aging in the cells when they are raised on a diet frugal in calories. In fact their cells show about half the age-related degradation of their contemporaries who eat more.
So there... food for thought eh? But not much more it seems. Sorry this is so boring tonight but I am out of ideas this week.
I need inspiration, not perspiration!
Thank you, you may leave us.

My Life Endangered.. Not

wylddaze — 2005-09-15T06:09:31-05:00

So as any pilot will tell you, there are four forces acting on an airborne body. These are:
1- Lift (almost any shape will generate some kind of a lifting force at speed)
2-Gravity (the weakest of the natural attractions)
3-Drag (not the dress-wearing kind, it pulls against you)
4-Wind Resistance (the amount of air you are displacing resists you)
As anyone in Canberra knows, this is Magpie season when the fast flying and beautiful Magpie becomes... *suspenseful music please*... the black and white Stuka-pie. They attack anyone or anything that ventures near the tree they are nesting in, so as to protect the nest and their precious eggs.
The first you know of an attack is the whoosing of the wings and the sharp pain on your head as the Stuka-pie claws or pecks you. If you're lucky it will be one of the good natured (as if!) ones that will only try to scare you and won't actually peck at you. Mostly you will get the other ones though, the ones that actually go for the kill. It can be a bloody affair with lots of blood and screaming like a little girl. I was bleeding!! Best advice is to wear a hat!
In past years children have lost an eye to these horrid, feathered bastards and many other people have required stitches. I had a good shirt ruined by one several years ago when blood ran all over.
Today, something strange happened. I was taking my promenade as I am wont, in the afternoon when I heard the 'whoosh' I expect to hear about this time of year. Unfortunately the Stuka-pie that was trying so hard to attack me had no idea of the nature of physics. The strong winds of the afternoon proved too much for its tiny dinosaurean brain, it missed me. Apparently blown off its proposed trajectory by the crosswind, the bird flew parrallel to my left instead of at my head. It appeared next to me at about shoulder height, with a look of serious intent on its little feathered face. As it passed it looked over at me, almost eye to eye and I could swear it was thinking "oh, shit". It then flapped its wings like crazy to try to get away and save some face. How embarrassing. The poor little thing had obviously been trying so hard to be all tuff'n'stuff.
On my way back past the same spot, I looked for the bird-du-jour and found it sitting high up on the branch whence it had attacked me. It looked at me and then looked the other way!
Poor thing.
Oh, another thing.. 'they' say that if you look at the bird it will not attack you... bullshit! I tried that once and the wretched freakoid just hovered over me and then attacked me again!!
And now... you may leave us.

My Life Snorting Coke

wylddaze — 2005-09-17T12:09:37-05:00

Well slap my arse and yell "Yippee-Kai-Yay" I am a broken man. I read in the papers that uber-model Kate Moss and her rockstar husband and his rockstar mate were caught snorting cocaine!
I mean what is the world coming to when prominent people in the public eye are setting this kind of example for the children? Won't someone think of the children?
Funny thing is that in Peru you can buy bags of coca leaves at any market place. The cocaine in the leaves helps to keep your energy up while you climb the mountainous trails in the thin air. You chew the coca leaves and the energy it gives you lasts for hours. It also makes your lips and tongue tingle.
Of course the cocaine powder is slightly different in that it destroys your sinuses and causes behavioural changes but other than that it's the same stuff as the leaves. Funny how some things are banned when they aren't really that harmful isn't it? I mean there are no addictive substances in cocaine or in marijuana and yet there are banned while tobacco is incredibly addictive and is freely sold at every corner store.
Why are things banned anyway? I mean as an adult why am I not able to choose what poisons I ingest? Perhaps I am not smart enough.
Thank goodness I have the gumbyment to look after me and stop me from making mistakes. I feel so safe and warm knowing that these old men with their old and stupid ideas are there to look after my best interests and to keep the big bad wolves away.
When, oh when will we be free to live our own lives, free from the tyranny of foolish old men?
When lord, oh when will I be free to live my live as I see fit? To be the person I want to be? To see my own dreams as I want to see them?
When lord, when will they die off like dinosaurs and let the new and fresh ideas free upon the land?
Why are we bound by old men with old ideas and futile wars? Wars against ideas, wars against substances, wars against people, when we will fight the real wars? The wars against poverty and diseases, the war against lonliness and ignorance? The war against hatred?

My Life in Good Shape

wylddaze — 2005-09-20T09:09:33-05:00

Mondays - SBS - 9pm - 'Drawn Together'.
You must see this, it's animated, reality, 'Big Brother' style show and it's piss funny.
Wednesday September 21st is the United Nations International Day For Peace. It is the one day of the year when all the member nations (say they) will put aside their differences and work towards peace. This includes unilateral cease-fires on all war fronts. Is it pathetic that we work for war the other 364 1/4 days of the year?
In other gnus, a wonderful thing happened to me the other day that prompted a weird thing to happen. More on that story later, first let's talk about the weird shit that happens that makes you think there really is a spirit world and stuff.
So I am up late on Sunday morning at about 03:00 and they are re-playing the first episode of 'Survivor Guatemala' I am totally uninterested in the show but am also too tired and lazy to get up and go to bed. Eventually I am forced by the banality of the show to do so. The next day (or later that day actually) at about 13:30 I switch on the TV for some background noise and guess what is on... the very same show at the very same spot! I did a double-take, I was feeling very 'Twilight Zone', could this really be happening? Were they playing the same show again and had I switched on at exactly the same spot I had switched off the previous night?
AHA! I thought I had it figured, I must have taped it! I checked the remote, no tape in the machine. This was really happening! This happened to me once before, many years ago when I was driving along one night with the convertible top down. There was no moon and it was a warm summer evening. I had a tape in the player and was cruising along a dark highway with stars all over the place. It was a really great night. I switched the tape off to listen to the radio and ... the same song was on the radio at exactly the same spot! I double checked to make sure the tape had popped out and sure enough, it had. That was spooky. Thank goodness I had a friend there to witness it. Anyway that was one weird thing this last week but there was another one too.
The wonderful thing: A friend of mine asked my opinion about something very special to her. I gave her my thoughts on it and then asked her why she had asked me when she has plenty of friends with more expertise. She looked me straight in the eye and said it was because: " you have better taste and a better eye for detail than anyone I know and I trust you to be honest with me."
I was shocked for a second and then began to laugh. She was obviously 'taking the piss'. My friend looked at me and then said: " I just shared something very openly with you and you laugh at me?" It then occurred to me that she was being serious! She had a hurt look on her face and I didn't know what to do. I apologised. People just don't compliment you like that, it doesn't happen. It brought us a lot closer than we have ever been and I really felt good at that moment and grateful for a friend like her.
The other weird thing: Later that afternoon I took a nap (I'm a shift-worker, we do that) and I had a dream that I was in a large room with someone else I couldn't quite see. I believe now that it may have been my brother, who died at birth. He is sometimes in my dreams although I can never see his face and he never speaks to me. There was an opaque window off to the side and on the other side of the room there was door with a small window in it. In the window of the door were two people who I know but I have no idea why they would have been in my dream. The two faces at the door window smiled at me and nodded. I woke up feeling really good some reason and still feel it now. Weird shite.
Anyway, that is all I have for today boys and girls, you may leave us.

My Life Laughing

wylddaze — 2005-09-21T01:09:01-05:00

An  Aussie tourist walks into a curio shop in San  Francisco. Looking around
at everything, he notices a very realistic, life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but  is so striking that he decides he must have it. He takes it to the owner  and asks,
"How much for the bronze rat?"
The owner replies, "$12 for the rat and $100 for the story". The  tourist gives the man $12 and says,
"I'll just take the rat, you  keep the story."
As he walks down the street carrying his bronze rat, he  notices that a few real rats have crawled out of the alleys and  sewers and  begun following him down the street. This is disconcerting, and  he begins walking faster. But within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats behind him has grown to hundreds, and they begin squealing. He begins to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see  that the rats now number in the MILLIONS, and are squealing and  coming toward him faster and faster.
Concerned, even scared, he runs to  the edge of the Bay, and throws the bronze rat as far out into the water as he can. Amazingly,  the millions of rats all jump into the Bay after it, and are all drowned.The man walks back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," says the owner, "you've come back for the story?"
"No," says the man, "I  came back to see if you've got a bronze Kiwi,  a bronze Muslim cleric & anything French or British."
Bahahahahahahahahaha.... leave me, I tire of you.

My Life Still Laughing

wylddaze — 2005-09-22T10:09:21-05:00

A little humour to lighten your load.

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank -proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. Because, he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt
and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to persuade them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so. Thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him...what?
A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Some individuals' rights were probably violated in the making of this blog entry, but as I have been told by my guild attorney, "just deny everything". No crminals were officially harmed, unofficially....well it will be denied.  Animals, different story, little 'Foo-Foo' had an office chair roll over her foot, and a spider lost its' life after coming down from the ceiling to say 'Hi' to our records person who unfortunately is extremely paranoid of eight legged freaks.

My Life in The Gnus

wylddaze — 2005-09-25T04:09:34-05:00

Peace Brothers

This came from Dr. George Wasson, a Coquille/Coos Indian. Denny DeGross

BUREAU OF IRAQI AFFAIRS (Formed March 20, 2003)

Dear People of Iraq,

Now that you have been liberated from your oppressors, we at the Bureau of Indian Affairs (BIA) look forward
to our future relationship with you. As one of the oldest of American governmental agencies, we have a good deal of experience in assimilating people of other cultures to the American way of life. Further, in order to follow-up on our promise that, following the war, Iraq and Iraqi oil will belong to the Iraqi people, we will appoint an "interim government", in order to get the oil flowing - for your benefit of course. Meanwhile, below you will find a list of what to expect from the Office of the BIA, based on our vast experience managing the affairs of American Indians:

1. Henceforth, English will be the spoken language of all government and associated offices. If you do not
speak English, a translator fluent in German will be provided.

2. All Iraqi people will apply to be entered on a citizen (tribal) roll. Citizenship will be open to those people who can prove that they are Iraqi back four generations with documents issued by the United States. Christian church records may also be given in support of proof of your origins.
3. All hospitals designated to serve you will be issued a standard "medical kit". The kit will contain gauze, band-aids, burn cream, iodine, tweezers, and duct tape.

4. Your oil is to be held in trust for you. We will appoint an American-approved government lawyer who has
a background in the oil industry to represent your interests. Never mind that he may also work for an energy company that he will eventually cut a deal with. However, not to fear - this close relationship will guarantee you more money for your oil.
5. Each Iraqi citizen will be allotted one hundred acres of prime Iraqi desert. You will be issued a plow, a hoe, seed corn and the King James version of the Christian Bible. Following the distribution of land, any land left over will be open to settlement by Israelis.

6. Each Citizen is entitled to draw a ration of milk, sugar, flour and lard. If, for health or religious reasons, you feel cannot use the rations, you may file a complaint with your BIA appointed liaison, General Foods Corporation. Those Iraqis showing signs of diabetes, heart disease, or glaucoma will be issued double rations, as, (we are sure you will agree), our own medical system will be too alien for your use.
7. We will manage your trust monies, stipulating that any five year-old American citizen, demonstrating minimal computer skills, may hack into the system that controls your accounts, and set up their own account. Records of your accounts will be kept, but you must receive express written permission from the head of the BIA in order to examine them

8. In keeping with the separation of Church and State supported by the US constitution, Christian missionaries will be sponsored through government funding to provide your local educational and social services. Of course, only Iraqis who convert to Christianity will be allowed to hold jobs within the government.
9. For the purposes of future treaty making, any single Iraqi will be found competent to sign land-session treaties on behalf of all other Iraqis.
10. Welcome to the Free World and have a nice day!
And on that refreshing note, you may leave us.

My Life Still Laughing

wylddaze — 2005-09-26T10:09:12-05:00



Well, Kenny the rooster costs a lot of money, but the
farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.

The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down
in the barnyard, first giving the rooster a pep talk.

I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of
chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money.
Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your
time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Kenny seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed
toward the hen house and Kenny took off like a shot.
WHAM! Kenny nails every hen in the hen
house, the farmer is completely shocked!

After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the
duck pen, sure enough, Kenny is in there.

Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese, down
by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese.

By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing
quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught and worried
that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours.

Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up
the next day, to find Kenny on his back, stone cold
in the middle of the yard with vultures circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful and
expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny,
I told you to pace yourself and I tried to get you to
slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the vultures circling
in the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer".

Have A Super Fun Day
I Thought You'd Enjoy A Good Laugh

My Life on Diet Coke

wylddaze — 2005-09-28T04:09:33-05:00

'nuff said really, you may leave us.

My Life Still Laughing

wylddaze — 2005-09-29T12:09:59-05:00

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner.
He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mum, I have something to tell you... I'm gay!"
His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was About to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay, .. doesn't that Mean you
have oral sex with other men?"
The guy said nervously,"Uh, yeah, Mum, that's right." His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around and WHACKED him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about the taste of my cooking again!"
And now, you may leave us.

My Life in Pictures

wylddaze — 2005-09-30T06:09:17-05:00

hehehe, just a coupla pics for you. In the first one, please look at the hairless pussy (don't we all just love a hairless pussy :-o ) and then... look at the reflection in the window. Oh yes it is! My thanks to AlatheiaEunomia for that one.

And now for the second one. This is just plain funny, not the self-raising kind but still gave me a chuckle so I wanted to share it with you on account of how much I leeeeerve you all.
And now, I am spent you may leave us.

My Life Fed Up With Bombers

wylddaze — 2005-10-02T05:10:38-05:00

So, another bombing in Bali has prompted this blog entry. This entry might seem a little harsh to some but I honestly think it's the only way.
I would like to propose a solution to the problem of suicide bombers. It is a problem that has been plaguing us for some years now and frankly it has gone far enough. Last night another three of these animals set themselves off in holiday resort towns in Bali, Indonesia.
It is an interesting fact that most of the time the head of the suicide bomber survives the blast. When I say 'survives' I mean of course that the head remains relatively intact. It is therefore fairly easy to identify these planarians (look it up people) after the fact. My suggestion is quite simple really; identify the creature that set off the bomb, find their families and round them up. Shoot the families and then find all their friends and round them up ... and shoot them as well. Pretty soon you will have eliminated any benefit to being a suicide bomber.
I know there are those of you who will balk at this extreme measure but frankly it is the only way to end this tyranny. If the creatures ( I refuse to call them people.) who insist that they are going to paradise, believe that their entire families will go to paradise with them, they might resist the urge to detonate. I know the urge is strong and that they must be addicted to the idea of going straight to paradise and being given immortality with 72 virgins (what the...?) but they must be forced to make a tougher choice.
The main thing that these creatures fear is that their bloodlines will be interrupted. They come from poor backgrounds (morally speaking) and they are misogynists who fear and hate women. This explains a lot. If we threaten them with the extinction of their bloodlines they will stop. The added benefit of this hardline tactic is that when we kill off all their friends we are bound to kill off some other suicide bombers as well. See, it's a win-win situation!
At the very least we should be sticking the heads on spikes and nailing them to the city gates. The trouble is that these creatures have no love in them and therefore we must be just as heartless in fighting them. It is sad that it has come to this, that creatures with so much potential have become so lowly and stupid that they can do this. At least they lose a bomber ever time.
Of course, we could take the ultimate extreme and just nuke the entire middle-east but that would mean losing so much that is good.
Any ideas??

My Life in Spring.

wylddaze — 2005-10-04T08:10:08-05:00

First and foremost I would like to say 'thank you' to all those who took the time to read my last blog. I am amazed to see that not one of the many people who stopped by actually responded to it. I am left to wonder why but then, perhaps I don't need to.
So Spring is here and it's my favourite time of the year. I love the smells of the flowers blooming all about the city and the fresh afternoon breezes that drift in through my open windows. I love the late afternoon glow just after the sun has set, that special light that seems to make everything so clear in the afterglow of the day. It's the perfect time of day for a nice long walk. I do so love the sounds of the birds all returning to their old trees that wake me up in the afternoons.
Most of all, I love the boobies that emerge from their winter hibernation under sweaters and parkas and slip into sheer tops and T-shirts, looking for the sunlight. Ahh Spring, where would we be without you?
And now... todays humour, Oz style:
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.
Her praying  roused him from his slumber; He looked up and his pale lips began to move
slightly.
"Becky my darling" he whispered.
"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess."
There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "Everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no.  I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know, sweetheart, I know" whispered Becky, "Just rest now and let the poison work."
Leave us now, we must prepare.

My Life with Political Humour

wylddaze — 2005-10-07T05:10:41-05:00

Many thanks to Laine for this little gem. I hope you don't mind me sharing it.
While visiting England, George W is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. G.W asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."
G.W. watches as the Queen 'phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother and father have a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you, good day" says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
G.W. nods: "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Upon returning to Washington, G.W. decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why of course Mr president, What's on your mind?"

Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother and your father have a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"

G.W. agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.
"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb shit, it's Tony Blair!"
And now leave us, we tire.

My Life on ConTiki

wylddaze — 2005-10-10T05:10:49-05:00

This is the itinerary for my ConTiki tour of New South Wales. Anyone want to join me?

CONTIKI - South Western Sydney Lowlights. 9 DAY TOUR
DAY 1 - Meet your new travel-mates in our hotel in Beautiful Emu Plains. At night you have the chance to score your own crack in Cabramatta.
DAY 2 - After breakfast we will get mugged in Minto before having lunch at Blacktown KFC. Tonight why not participate in a riot at Macquarie Fields!
DAY 3 - Today is your choice! You have the option of fishing in Blacktown Creek or taking a day-trip to the Kings Cross Heroin Injecting Room. Tonight we experience a cabaret show at Rooty Hill RSL, "The Vegas of the West".
DAY 4 - After seeing the real bullet holes in the walls of Granville Police Station, we will get car-jacked in Sefton before being an accomplice in a stolen WRX and ram-raiding a cigarette store in Fairfield.
DAY 5 - Today we will get the sh*t bashed out of us in downtown Punchbowl by a gang of 30 or 40. We will have lunch at Auburn Macca´s before an afternoon swim in the Parramatta River. Tonight is party night as we head up the coast to Classy Club Troppo.
DAY 6 - An early start today as we witness a convenience store hold-up in Blackett. We then have an opportunity to get knifed in Bonnyrigg. Tonight we get caught up in a riot at a Canterbury Bulldogs game.
DAY 7 - This morning is another early start as Silverwater Prison is the backdrop to our group photo (optional). We then take part in a shoot-up at picturesque Lakemba. Tonight is an included dinner in the Bistro at Blacktown RSL.
DAY 8 - Today is a free day to explore the beautiful suburb of Mt. Druitt at your leisure.
DAY 9 - Today we explore Villawood Detention Centre. In the afternoon why not take part in a guided tour down Everleigh St, Redfern. In the evening a chance to farewell your new friends at the end of tour dinner at Krispy Kreme Penrith.
9 days travelling in the comfort of a Ford Escort with bullet-proof windows and sub-woofer. 6 nights accomodation in F1 Hotels. 3 nights in Best Western Hotels.
Day song - "I shot the Sherrif". Wake-up song - "Gangster`s Paradise".
Driver - Wazza. Tour Leader - Mustafa. Only $199 plus food fund. (Personal Injury insurance of $4000 not included)

My Life as an Aussie

wylddaze — 2005-10-11T05:10:57-05:00

1- This is a site address for a quiz that will determine your level of "Aussiness". Pleaze feel free to take it no matter what country you live in as "Aussiness" is not restricted to those who live here. Enjoy it, won't you:
http://smartasses.org/aussiequiz.html
2- Beer Logic: One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the "Buffalo Theory" to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went: "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

My Life in Regret

wylddaze — 2005-10-12T07:10:44-05:00

Fear is a great motivator and an even greater inhibitor. Fear leads to innaction which leads to regret. Fear is the enemy and it leads to the dark side...
A very strange thing happened to me this week. The past came back to bite me in the groin. Ok, it was actually further north, around the heartal region. It all began long ago in a galaxy far, far away...
Sasha and I had been friends for ages, we had the same, dark sense of humour and the same sense of the ridiculous. We laughed a lot and we drank as much; she was a really great friend. One evening, on the balcony of the 30th floor apartment I had on the gold coast for the weekend, I looked over at her and I fell in love. It was an instant of purity. I don't know if it was the setting sun in her golden hair or the darkness in her eyes or the brilliance of her smile but in that instant, everything changed. I had to stop myself from kissing her. She was about 13 years younger than me and I thought it would creep her out if I kissed her, since we had been friends for so long. She was around 24 and I was about 37.
That night was the last time I saw her or spoke to her. I just couldn't shake that feeling and I didn't want it to get in the way of what we had, so I thought if I left it alone it would go away. Of course, it never has. I saw her a few weeks ago at a shop and my heart raced just as it had that night. She didn't see me but her aunt who was with her, did. Needless to say the aunt was in touch recently and asked why I had stopped seeing Sasha and hadn't spoken to her for so long. She said my friend was upset by it and confused. 'Well' I thought, 'no more than I!'
I don't know to this day if I pushed her away from me to protect myself from the possibility of rejection or to salvage what friendship we might have kept. I suppose that I never will. I never told her how I felt and I wish to god I had, at least she would have known and been aware of me. This way she just felt like I abandoned her and our friendship.
The aunt told me that Sasha has married a guy my age and that he looks a bit like me too. They are planning a baby.
A 'Regret' is a bird that lands on your shoulder, shits in your beer and laughs at you.
Leave me now, I must ponder my fate.

My Life As A Drug Baron

wylddaze — 2005-10-14T06:10:14-05:00

I must set these events in your minds by relating two things to you. First, there is a tea called 'China White Tea' and second, there is a drug called China White which is a type of cocaine. Got it?
Then we'll begin.....
Many months ago I had a fantasy about opening a tea-house here in sunny Canberra. It was a lovely dream but in the end I lacked the courage to follow it through. The self confidence required to make this leap of faith is enormous and I fell short of the mark, much to the disappointment of my son and his friends.
One of my very good friends Marissa, has been very vocal about her support both of the idea and of me personally. I appreciate her support more than she knows. Marissa is always sending me e-mails and little text messages with interesting tid-bits of information she thinks might be helpfull. At one point she even trekked all over Sydney on her day off just to visit tea houses and send me critiques on them. Her favourite drink is of course Long Island Iced Tea but that's beside the point. I told her a few weeks ago that it might happen "one day"
Someone sent me a small package this week with no names on the outside, just addresses. I was in my friends take-away shop when I opened it and found in it a note saying "for when that 'one day' comes". Beside that there was a small plastic bag with a ball of white china tea in it. You see, the tea comes in the form of a dried flower which you put into the pot and onto which you pour almost-boiling water.
(Of course one never pours boiling water onto tea as it brings out the tanins in the leaves and makes the tea taste "woody" - just FYI)
So what d'you think I said at the top of my voice when I opened this little present in my friend Jeremys' take-away food shop?
"Oh cool! Someone sent me a bag of China White!"
Ya coulda heard a pin drop.

My Life with Avian Flu'

wylddaze — 2005-10-15T06:10:21-05:00

I am sick people!! I dunno, I survived SARS a few years ago and now this damned Avian Flu' hits me. It sucks and I am dying. Funny thing though, did yoiu know that all influenza is technically avian flu'. That's right, the original influenza (Hong Kong A or B strains) came to us from....
are you ready for this....
Ducks.
So in one sense we all get ducks' disease from time to time. Isn't evolution (or 'the hand of god' for the fundamentalists among you) wonderful? A hundred years ago all the people who were susceptible to influenza caught it and died and left the rest of us to get stronger from it. Now we are getting it from chickens and you know what that means... Chickens after all, are the lower end of the avian social ladder so this will be a cheaper, nastier and messier kind of flu'.
Oh dear god (or not if that offends you) I am ranting, delerious with disease!! Oh someone please just put a pulet in my brain... get it.. pulet, tha's funny even for a sick person.
Anyway what a stupid time of year to get the flu' who ever heard of such a thing?
Leave me now, I must ooze.

My Life in Fear of Doctors With Guns.

wylddaze — 2005-10-18T11:10:17-05:00

Doctors:
(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.
(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171. Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health Human Services.
Now think about this:
Guns:
(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000. (Yes, that's 80 million..)
(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.
(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is 0.000188. (Statistics courtesy of  FBI)
So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."
FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!! Out of concern for the public at large, I have withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention.

no subject

wylddaze — 2005-10-19T04:10:49-05:00

My Life in Knowledge

wylddaze — 2005-10-22T04:10:12-05:00

Tonight: Things I know.
Monday night: My predictions for the future.
I know:
- that the world is halfway through its oil reserves. It took us 100 years to get halfway through and there is about 30 years worth of oil left in the ground.
- that the US invaded Iraq in order to secure oil reserves for the next 30 years, primarily for government use.
- that the Greenland ice sheet is melting at a rate 200% greater than in 1985.
- that the polar ice cap has not returned to its fully-frozen winter state in 4 years.
- that the weather systems generated in the gulf of Mexico have been getting progressively warmer and more powerful over the past ten years.
- that there is less sunlight shining on the ground than there should be due to the artificial cloud-cover created by aircraft jet streams.
- that the "conveyer belt" ( the largest ocean current flowing from south america to the north Atlantic) is slowing down and diluting.
Stay tuned folks for the predictions these facts might provoke... Monday, live here on WYLDDAZE@MINDSAY.

My Life Changed

wylddaze — 2005-10-24T05:10:23-05:00

OK so tonight it was my intention to make a bunch of predictions, about how oil will run out in 30 years and how this will create hardships and about how the Earth will heat up in the middle and cool at the poles and all that but.... you know what? There's fuck all I can do about any of this and even less importance in sharing this information with others.
Even if I tell you all what's going to happen, what will you do with the info? How could any of you affect changes? What possible difference could it make to anyone to know?
None.
So now here's an interesting URL to visit:
http://www.jesus21.com/poppydixon/product/panties/panties.html
Seriously, if this doesn't make you laugh, nothing will!
I would also like to say a big "Thanks" to whispertales for making me aware that as a forum for interaction, Mindsay is cluttered with the everyday, mundane nay-saying that we all hear too much of in real-life. My blog tonight was going to be depressing and dull but thanks to you, it offers a smile instead which adds to the universal experience in a positive and constructive way. Thank you.

My Life In My Domain

wylddaze — 2005-10-25T06:10:48-05:00

Domain names that started out as a good idea, then ... It seemed like a
good idea at the time...

The following domains are real.

Firstly there is Who Represents?, a database for agencies to the rich
and famous: http://www.whorepresents.com

Second is the Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can
exchange advice and views: http://www.expertsexchange.com

Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island:
http://www.penisland.net

Need a therapist? Try: http://www.therapistfinder.com

Finally we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South
Wales: http://www.molestationnursery.com

Your a nerd .... you study hard you get good grades
what else is there to say !!!

What school girl are you??? (with cool pics)
brought to you by Quizilla
And this is why guyz shouldn't do girlz quizes!

My Life Laughing Out Loud

wylddaze — 2005-10-26T07:10:25-05:00

HAVE A  NICE DAY E VERYONE......

In case you've had a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest  psychological texts.
The funny thing is that it really works....

1. Picture yourself near a stream.

2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.

3. No one but you knows your secret place.

4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world."

5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

6. Bubbles slowly float to the surface creating a gentle gurgling sound.

7. The water is crystal clear.

8. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.

See! You're smiling already.

My Life Still Laughing

wylddaze — 2005-10-28T06:10:15-05:00

Things caddies say to golfers:

Golfer: "I've played so poorly all day; I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."

Caddy: "I doubt you could keep your head down that long."

****
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course."

Caddy: "Try heaven. You've already moved most of the earth."

****
Golfer: "Well, I have never played this badly before!

Caddy: "I didn't realize you had played before, sir."

****
Golfer: "Caddy, do you think my game is improving?"

Caddy: "Oh yes, sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used to."

****
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddy. It's distracting!"

Caddy: "This isn't a watch, sir, its a compass!"

****
Golfer: "Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?"

Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin any day of the week!"

****
Golfer: "This golf is a funny game."

Caddy: "It's not supposed to be."

****
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, caddy. It looks far too old."

Caddy: "It's a long time since we started, sir."

****
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?"

Caddy: "Eventually."

****
Golfer (screaming): "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!"

Caddy: "I doubt it. That would be too much of a coincidence!"

****

My Life Rules

wylddaze — 2005-10-29T07:10:10-05:00

RULES OF MANHOOD - Australian version:

Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella, unless at the footy,
and your pies are getting wet, then for the eating period only is it
permissible.

It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
          a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
          b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
          c. After wrecking your boss' car
          d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
          e. When she is using her teeth.

Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.

Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is suspicious.

On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.

Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.

Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever.

If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game (can explain offside or LBW) and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both that's just greedy.

If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
         a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
         b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
         c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have s*x with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an X-Box. End of story.

My Life In The Wind

wylddaze — 2005-11-01T10:11:17-05:00

SHOCKING SATELLITE PHOTOGRAPH OF CYCLONE WILMA AS SHE PASSED OVER THE COAST!

My Life With Visitors

wylddaze — 2005-11-02T10:11:11-05:00

A wonderful thing happened today. Some days are just OK and some are good and some other are bloody great. Today was one of the great variety. I took my usual constitutional (walk) at around lunch time and went to the local shopping centre with my earphones on (arabic lounge music - hella good :-D ) and my walking stick (dogs and magpies, scaring for the use of) and on my way back I saw a little person sitting on the front lawn (broad use of the term) She had a daisey chain crown in her hair and was sitting cross legged, reading. As a approached I saw it was my little adopted daughter, 'Le Short'.
She was happy to see me as I was to see her and she then informed me that my son and her boyfriend were also coming to visit.
I love visits and it's nice when they "just happen" like this. After we had chatted a bit, we went to the local pub for some chips with lime mayonnaise dipping sauce; my son drove me and it was a weird feeling indeed. We sat in the sun and drank (cokes) and ate and talked. It was a seriously good way to spend some time on a Thursday lunch-time. I am glad I work shifts some days.
I wish they hadn't had to go so soon but my house is pretty boring for the kids - hell, it's boring for me - and I had to get some stuff done before work. This blog doesn't really have a point, it's just a way to share a good day with y'all. Thanks for reading.
Hey before I go, this is weird - Yesterday I got a bunch of "missed calls" on my mobile phone that were marked as 15:00. I got the message at 18:00. What a great telco system we have. Maybe the satellite got lost or had a dinner break?
,{:-) PS: for anyone who doesn't like my new background, you can bite my woolly little butt!

My Life Giggling Like a Fool

wylddaze — 2005-11-06T06:11:19-05:00

So a couple of weird things happened today. First there was the news story about the pirates that tried to board the cruise ship off the African coast. I mean talk about 'big balls' these guys must have been dreaming! They fired a couple of rocket propelled grenades at the ship and injured a crew member. The only funny part of the whole thing was the Australian Foreign Minister Alexander downer saying that they may have been terrorists. What a ruben, as if everyone who commits a crime is a terrorist! We haven't even had a terrorist attack in this country (unless you count the bombing in the 70's that was set up by our own security agency!) and the very first thing he thinks of is "terrorists, aaaaaaaargh run for your lives!"
Good grief, this man is our foreign minister! No, you maroon (thanks Moose) They were fucking PIRATES!!!!
The other funny thing that struck my funny bone (not the one in my pants) was this picture below, of a mother/daughter duo who were supposedly kicked out of Disneyland. I can't imagine why and I think we should all be trying harder to end this kind of discrimination.
Anyway, later dayz.

My Life now With BEEF!

wylddaze — 2005-11-08T04:11:53-05:00

         PAIN IS WEAKNESS LEAVING THE BODY
So the riots in La Belle France (hock, spit) have gone on for 10 days and nights. Well, I always said the french were revolting.
Under the heading of "strange ways to die" in Wickipedia, you will find the following:
207 BC: Chrysippus, Greek stoic philosopher, believed to have died of laughter after seeing a donkey eating figs.
I would like to say at this point that I have imagined what this would look like and I can find nothing whatsoever remotely amusing about a donkey eating figs. Methinks Chryssipus ( which I pronounce: chris-e-puss) was stoned off his tits when this happened.
Now the following photograph may offend some viewers... I hope.

It really is an add for playstation, honest.

My Life Again

wylddaze — 2005-11-09T06:11:40-05:00

OK Monicoo, that was fun but it's over OK?
1. Go into your archives.
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. Post the fifth sentence (or closest to it).
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.
5. Tag five other people to do the same thing.
My fifth sentence of the 23rd post was:
Lory, same again for thinking quickly after being punched and kicked, in calling the police.
In the lists of strange ways to die, this one stands out so much i have found myself thinking about it more and more and frankly it's very disturbing.
1514: György Dózsa, leader of the Great Hungarian Peasant Uprising, was roasted alive on a white hot iron chair while his captured companions were forced to eat his meat.
And now for some light relief...

My Life in Remembrance

wylddaze — 2005-11-10T09:11:14-05:00


Remembrance Day is the day Australians remember those who have died in war.
In 1918 the armistice that ended World War I came into force, bringing to an end four years of hostilities that saw 61 919 Australians die at sea, in the air, and on foreign soil. Few Australian families were left untouched by the events of World War I - 'the war to end all wars' most had lost a father, son, daughter, brother, sister or friend.
At 11am on 11 November we pause to remember the sacrifice of those men and women who have died or suffered in wars and conflicts and all those who have served during the past 100 years.

My Life as a Mouse

wylddaze — 2005-11-11T04:11:38-05:00

No Boobies tonight because well, it's remembrance day. So instead, a tasty treat for y'all.
Why do cats eats moice??? Because....
....they're just like tasty, tasty Kiwi!

My Life With Added Puppies!

wylddaze — 2005-11-13T03:11:23-05:00

Has anyone else noticed how bright Mars is lately? I thought that whole "Mars is closer now than in the last 18 million years" stuff was bunk but yet the planet Mars is really bright this month. You can't miss it, it's really big and red.
I'd also like to show you some puppies:
And finally for the very observant of you, I would like to ask if anyone can find the fault with this next pic:
Anyways, have a nice Monday everyone xxx

My Life Sick and Tired

wylddaze — 2005-11-15T07:11:57-05:00

I am so sick and tired of being poor. I budget, I really do I put the exact amounts of money aside every week for the bills and the insurances, car payments, phone, electricity, gas and every other freaking bill I get and yet at the end of it all, I still don't have any left over!!! I am going to rob a bank... maybe... or something, I dunno but I must do something, it's really getting me down.
Whether by divine providence, genetic mismanagement or simply a cosmic fuck-up I have been handed a "beta" brain. Curse my inferior hardware, why can't I be an high tax bracket income earner? there must be a way to beat the odds, there muxt be some way to climb the big-money tree.
Anyway look at these:
Think these'll sell? Oh yes and I promised you some boobies didn't I? Well here they are but they are just wrong if you ask me:

My Life Proud

wylddaze — 2005-11-18T04:11:33-05:00

So today there will be no boobies.
Today is a big day in my sons' life and also in mine . Today, my son did something I never did, he graduated high school. He has worked hard for 12 years and passed his HSC. I am the proudest dad in the world and if pride "goeth before a great fall" then lookout below 'cos I'm on an alltime high!!
I went back and studied later but missed earlier opportunities when they came. I wasted half a lifetime, he hasn't. I regret my own stupid anger and the way I ruined my chances out of spite for my father. It was stupid and wasteful to spend so much time and energy ruining my future when it was him I was angry at the whole time.
There's a lesson in there kiddies, learn it now before it's too late. Never let anger and spite be your guide, use them to get ahead in life because success is the very best revenge.
So that's my rant for tonight. purgatory I am most impressed and and very proud to be your dad.
Still proud. xx

My Life at Mickey "D"s

wylddaze — 2005-11-21T10:11:52-05:00

In my continuing quest to shock and awe my audience, I bring you yet another strange death:
121 BC: Gaius Gracchus, Roman tribune, according to the ancient Roman historian Plutarch, Gaius was executed by assassins who were out to receive a bounty on the weight of his head in gold. One of the co-conspirators in his murder, Septimuleius, then decapitated Gaius, scooped the brains out of his severed head, and filled the cavity of his skull with molten lead. Once the lead hardened, the head was taken to the Senate and weighed in on the scale at over seventeen pounds. Septimuleius was paid in full. - Shmaaart boi that Septim whoeverlis
So much to blog, so little time. OK the first thing I want to mention is the thing I saw the other day that scared the fuck out of me. Seriously I couldn't fuck for hours afterwards. I was at Woollies (supermarket) getting my few meagre supplies - bread and fish actually - when I looked up on the aisle and saw it... "The Mcdonalds Kiddies playset, complete with McNuggets, burgers, money and uniform"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAArgh" I screamed. (Thanks Angela Anaconda) I can't believe we are training our children that to work in fast food outlets is a good thing.
OK - nest is this very disturbing picture from the "internet" (if you will) of a young halloween trick-or-treater... I mean I know we don't have any respect for anything in this country, it's part of our bravado but really, is this OK?
And now for boobies, actually one of my fav' pics of all time:

My Life in a Ferrari - Two Hactually

wylddaze — 2005-11-23T05:11:38-05:00

The big news today - and it's really big - is that my FILA Ferrari shoes arrived today from the USA.
Could I be any happier???
And now:
G'nite, I'm off to wear in my shooz.

My Life With My Uvuli

wylddaze — 2005-11-24T09:11:07-05:00

OK, hands up all those who know what an "Uvula" is... no, not a Vulva and not a Volvo and not an Iced Vovo either. Well when you've all gone to the google poodle and found out, you may congratulate me because I have... two!
I was thinking about getting my uvula peirced (as one does) because I've seen some in magazines and such-like and I think it looks great. It turns out because I have two (which is actually one in two parts) it makes it more difficult. What a strange and wonderful thing it is, this little fleshy bit that hangs down the back of the throat and adds humour to cartoon screams. What does it do and why is it there? Well it seems that when you're being made, you form a soft-palate in the roof of your mouth and when the flesh closes together (sutures) it leaves a bit at the end.. your uvula. If the suture doesn't go quite all the way, you end up with two. Now if you'll excuse me, I am going to play with my Uvuli.
You may care to look at these while I'm gone:
"Finiculi fincula, finiculi finicula! Whoah - finiculi uvula!"

My Life in Quiz Form

wylddaze — 2005-11-27T05:11:58-05:00

Note to Self: Do NOT eat an entire pizza alone. Bloat.
Be completely honest !!

::WHAT WOULD U DO IF I::
1. I made a move on u:
2. I kissed you:
3. I lived next door to you:
4. I started smoking:
5. I asked you on a date:
6. I was hospitalized:
7. I ran away from home:
8. I got into a fight and you weren't there?
9. I asked u to have sex?
10. i asked u out?

::WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT MY::
9. Personality:
10. Eyes:
11. Hair:
12. Body:

::WOULD YOU::
13. Be my friend?
14. Keep a secret if I told you one?
15. Hold my hand?
16. Go on a date with me?
17. Keep in touch?
18. Try and solve my problems?
19. Love me?
20. Date me?

::HAVE YOU EVER::
21. Lied to make me feel better?
22. Wanted to kiss me?
23. Wanted to kill me?
24. Broke my heart?
25. Kept something important from me?
26. Wanted to do me?

::AND MORE::
27. Who are you?
28. Are we friends?
29. When and how did we meet?
30. Describe me in one word:
31. What was your first impression?
32. Do you still think that way about me now?
33. What reminds you of me?
34. If you could give me anything what would it be?
35. How well do you know me?
36. When's the last time you saw me?
37. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
38. Are you gonna put this on yours to see what I say about you?

::WOULD YOU::
39. Kiss me?
40. Makeout with me?
41. Lap dance?

My Eccentric Life

wylddaze — 2005-11-29T10:11:22-05:00

People have often said of me that I am an eccentric. I like to change my hairstyles a lot, the colours and length. I grew a pontytail for several years and then shaved the hair all around it so I was bald except for the ponytail. People laugh at my bright red shoes and today someone made the pivotal comment: " I'd never have the guts to wear those." How much guts does it take to wear a pair of shoes???
*insert shocked face here*
I guess for a long time as I was growing up, I didn't understand why I did things other people wouldn't do. I often thought I must be quite mad untill one day, I realised that my life is not bordered by the rules and mores of society. I realised that these people who limit their lives with rules and roles and inhibitions are restricting their ability to experience life. These poor people are trying to feel safe and warm in their tiny, little, partially lived lives.
The reason people make these social rules and invent gender roles etc is so that they can feel that they have some control of their puniverse (sorry I couldn't resist the word-play) when in fact it's an illusion because along comes an unforseen event and their little lives are turned upside down. Society evolves and changes and the rules do as well. Can you imagine the look on peoples' faces if they saw a group of young men and women today, wearing top-hats going about town? The first time a stove-pipe hat was seen in New York (the kind Abe Lincoln is famous for) a horse reared up at the sight of it and threw its rider off.
My life is described by exploration and experience, by new opportunities to learn and by the proud declaration that I have the guts to wear red shoes! I live by trying new things and learning everything I can, by exploring my nature and expressing myself, not just through words but also in the way I present my physicality in the world. Yes, my hair is platinum blonde with a bright green stripe, so what of it? I like it that way, I live a larger life.
*stands on soapbox*
I believe the good lord made us all to be individuals and to explore the nature of humanity and to express ourselves as individualy as we can. I believe that uniforms and social roles are an abomination in the eyes of the lord! I'm glad that I am an eccentric, I like me and if I offend others then fuck 'em, they need to be offended!
and that's my say, now for boobies:

My Life with Mates

wylddaze — 2005-12-02T08:12:03-05:00

Hello everyone, my name is Chiron and I am a nicotine addict. It's been almost a year since I last smoked and I'm taking it one day at a time. I'm glad I haven't smoked but I still crave them.
The very best nights "out" are the ones that aren't planned. They almost always start with one person calling or texting another and saying something along the lines of "dude R U up 4 a beer?"
or
"what R U doing, want to go 4 a beer?" Even though you've just arrived home from a late lunch and drinks with friends, you know you have to go for it. The next thing you know it's three hours later, the conversation is flowing, the girls in the corner are looking you over and time just flies. My only regret is that I don't smoke anymore. Oh - how I used to love a smoke with a beer. Hmmmm. I can't say I have "given up" smoking anymore than an alchoholic can say they've given up, I can only say that I haven't had a smoke in a year or so and I hope I never do again; I'm a recovering smoker.
Anyways, a great night and now as always....

My Life in Retail

wylddaze — 2005-12-05T11:12:55-05:00

Isn't it funny that at the markets you buy 'things' but at the stock-market you buy the potential of 'things'.

One of the local papers has been running this stock-market competition to see who can make the most over a given period, between a dart thrown at a board, an astrologer, two stock experts and an actress and a school-child. Well, over the last eight months or so they have been running neck and neck which is strange in itself. I mean if yu throw a dart at a board, you have almost the same percentage of profit over a year as two so called "experts". The

school-child of 12, has been picking stocks by their names and the astrologer by their 'charts'. The difference in profits ... about two thousand shekels. So far they've each made around 100,000 shekels. So the big tip is just buy some stocks, if the market in general goes up, so will your money.

Have you ever seen the old comedy routine about the grocer/butcher who puts his finger on the scales to up the price? Well it actually happened to me yesterday!! I stood staring in disbelief as the woman put my veges on the scale and then left her hand on it. When she had tabulated the costs I calmy said "Would you mind just weighing all that again please, you had your hand on the scale"

She looked at me as though I had just accused her of buggering my monkey but she did weigh the veges again. Sure enough the weight was a couple of kilo's lighter this time. She gave me the dirtiest look and instead of saying "pardon me" or "I'm so sorry, I just didn't notice" or even "well fuck me, look at that eh?" she simply said "Oh". and glared at me like it was my fault.

Well, that was my day... look, boobies:

My Life Surprised

wylddaze — 2005-12-07T09:12:56-05:00

Have you ever seen something so random that you just had to stop and laugh? It happened to me today at the shops. I was just walking by (as you do) after getting all my shopping done and I walked past this busker setting up his guitar.

He looked like one of those guys you see in documentaries, sitting at a roadside cafe in Rome, drinking an espresso with his mates. He was about 60-ish and quite short and round with a face that sad "I've worked hard in the fields for many years" . He had a tanned, leathery face and was not the kind of guy you expect to see playing a guitar, let alone busking. Then again neither is Tom Waits I guess.

That's when he did it: he opened his mouth to sing and began to play. I couldn't believe my ears, this old guy was playing serious rock tunes and his voice was like a 25 year-old rocker!! I stopped and turned and thought "What the fuck?" I had expected to hear a droning voice trying hard to carry some meaningless christmas carol but there was none of that. I found myself chuckling and shaking my head as I walked off to my car.

Some days people will surprise you in good ways. No boobies tonight, sorry.

My Life on Hold

wylddaze — 2005-12-12T03:12:49-05:00

I simply have nothing to say. Bored, Tired and bleh.

C xx

My Life Treeless

wylddaze — 2005-12-13T04:12:13-05:00

As I sit here typing, the sound of a chainsaw is ringing all about the neighbourhood. The clowns two doors behind are cutting down one of the last remaining tall trees in the area. When I moved in here a few years ago we had lots of them all about the place but now they are being slowly erradicated. I don't understand why people feel the need to cut down a 40 foot tree. I mean, if they are old and falling apart maybe, that might be a safety hazard but these were all tall and healthy looking and don't even drop branches.

The neighbour next to him has just called out to him to "shut the fuck up!" So funny.

I saw something yesterday that made me sad. It made my tiny, stone heart sad and I thought that it could so easily be me I was looking at. I was driving home from work at about 8am when I saw a child of about 10 and his (assumed) father pushing two shopping trolleys full of stuff across the main road. as I got closer I could see they were both very dirty and rough and the "stuff" was all their clothes etc. This little kid and his dad are homeless. You don't see many homeless in Canberra, they tend to be kept away from the public although we all know there are plenty living on the mountain behind where I live in Ainslie.

It occured to me that if I lost my job and couldn't get another, that I could be homeless in a month or so. But for the friend who got me my present job and the grace of god, I could be that guy. I pray everyday and I give thanks for my good fortune and my health but that day I prayed on the way home in the car too.

The chainsaw has stopped, thank goodness the monkeys have finished their felling.

I want to show you more boobies but some people don't approve.... sorry "P" but this is my blog after all and I like to give the people what they want.

My Life Shooting Beaver

wylddaze — 2005-12-17T01:12:54-05:00

If Death was a landing strip and I was a pilot, I'd be just starting my descent about now.

Are ya ready for this one kiddies?

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began.
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.
As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang,bang'.
Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly".

Ah ya gotta love the old jokes. Have a nice weekend y'all.

My Life Democratically

wylddaze — 2005-12-19T05:12:55-05:00

So I see on the gnus that G.Dubya has pulled another fast one. If I read this right, first he goes past the constitution and spies on his fellow americans without any warrant, then he gets upset because he was caught, then he tries to justify it by saying it was in their best interests and then... he gets pouty with the media because they tattled on him!

Got big news for ya Geoooorge, that's what the media are there for so that guys like you and Richard Millhouse Nixon can't get away with shit like that!!!

Just because you think it's in the best interest of the people doesn't make it ok! That would be fascism you cretin.

In fact if he can do that then I can drive at any speed I like because I think it's in the best interest of the people around me that I get away from them as quickly as possible. Surely if G.Dubya can interpret the law to suit his needs, I can too?

Honestly my american friends, if you don't impeach this guy you don't deserve your freedoms and you'll lose 'em. Good luck is all I can say.

And now the much awaited return of: BOOBS IN SPAAAAACE:

My Life all Christmasy Like

wylddaze — 2005-12-23T11:12:09-05:00

                   WISHING YOU ALL A MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS

My Life Filosofically

wylddaze — 2005-12-26T02:12:23-05:00

Only in the pursuit of a partner does a man seek to better himself; For, left to his own devices he will but spend his earnings, expend his energies and make waste of his time on earth.

'Tis only that he seeks to impress the object of his desire that he has any cause to clean himself or his lodgings atall!

But for this need to partner himself (usually with a wimmin) man would be nought but a beast in the hedgerows, licking himself about the genitals and wallowing in his own muck'n'filth and grinning in a secret way.

We would but to laugh at him, pass him by and give him not another thought. Yet we do not, for he has lifted himself from this quagmire and righted himself about his feet to stand up tall and, proudly most, make as if to strut peacock-like about the place.

While at play in his ignominy, a man would scurry about and make of himself the perfect image of a poltroon, at flight with the very scent of danger. In his efforts to beguille his armour however, that man will elevate and make of himself the ultimate sacrifice, if only to be cherished "en memoire" - and never be held in the flesh atall. 'Tis a far far better thing..." et al.

All this but for the sakes of wimmin, this non descript poltroon, that cultured gentleman.

- DeMolis 2005 - ,{;-)

My apologies to those who would have them - no boobies today.

no subject

wylddaze — 2005-12-31T01:12:47-05:00

                                                          HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

My Life in 2006

wylddaze — 2006-01-03T05:01:51-05:00

So we have done all the "Happy New Years" and all the "Merry Christmahunnukahs" and now we begin the year in ernest. Who is ernest you ask? I am dammit, I am really ernest and frankly I need to be.

Why is it that people are always so willing to go to the worst place first? Last week, Waverly council in Sydney decided to not fly the Aussie flag on the Bondi Junction building at Bondi beach. Now Bondi beach is an iconic place and people come from all over the world just to see it. Mainly they come from across the pond in New Zilund to set up camp and never leave while bludging off the taxpayers of Oz the whole while but that's another blog entirely.

The reason they decided to not fly the flag was simple, the flag is already flying on the Bondi Lifesavers Club building next door and the council thought it was a waste of shekels to fly two side by side when one would do. The immediate reaction by the public and I might add, the press was to say that the council was afraid of a racist reaction to the flag. Why go there? Why bring up that ugly memory of last month? The council is trying to save some cash that's all and we don't need the sensationalist press trying to stir up trouble with this kind of racist encitement.

I must add at this point that I am no fan of the Aussie flag at all, I think it needs to be changed to reflect our association with the native people of the land. Get a copy of the movie "Event horizon" and look at the flag on Sam Neils' shoulder flash. That's the flag we need people, replace the union jack with the aboriginal flag I say!

On that note, I take my leave of you in search of more pictures of lovely  boobies to bring you in future episodes.

Thank you.

Muah!

You know who you are.

My Life - Kinkyfied up.

wylddaze — 2006-01-06T05:01:26-05:00

Expert
You scored 75% Kinkiness!

You've done all of the positions in most of the books, you've found out about safe-words and understood what I was talking about with the whole safe-sane-consentual. You've probably discovered at least the BDSM sites online, maybe even local groups and have been learning all about your favorite fetish. You enact those fantasies which aren't too taboo and play out in your head during sex the ones you aren't sure how your partner will react. Remember, communication is everything, they can always say no or ask for a compromise. You never know, they might hold the same fantasy in their head, afraid of how you'll react to it.

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 66% on Kinkiness

Link: The How Kinky Are You Really Test written by monkeyqueen9 on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

My Life - Fighting but Undefeated

wylddaze — 2006-01-10T12:01:45-05:00

Big "ups" to the elected representatives of the Australian people - our Gumbyment. Once again you have shown you are PISS-WEAK! You don't deserve your pay packets or your jobs and you need to be kicked out onto the streets and slapped.

*slapitty slapitty slap slap*

Once again the Empire of Japan descends upon our waters and we, the people of the Great South Land do... ah, nothing. the whaling ships hunt and kill or even just maim animals in our waters and we sit back and ah... watch. T'is a good this they don't want the most holy of holies, the Patagonian Tooth Fish, 'cos we would hunt them down for that! - mebe.

This government depresses the crap out of me, they don't represent anything Australian as far as I can see. They just represent U.S. Interests or nothing at all. Meanwhile, our Prime-Monster merrily dreams about the 1950s and thinks about how good everything will be once we are back there.

So in other gnus, there is going to be a meeting of government representatives from all over the world, to talk about what we can do about carbon dioxide in the atmoshpere. Apparently it is causing this "global warming " thingamy. The big idea on the table is to bury it deep underground. Like... where we got the oil that produced it from?

If only there was some 'thingamy' that would absorb large amounts of carbon dioxide while being cheap to produce, easy to maintain and require very little labour to use. If only....

I think we used to have something that was like that; we used to call them... um... ah...

TREES!!!!

As you can see, 2006 has started with a thorn in the arse for me. On the other hand, I have found that I have a deep connection with someone. I have found someone that thinks so much like me that we almost seem to think through conversations rather than speaking. I like it. Which reminds me about what I was going to talk about tonight: evolution and language. Nah - next time. For now just enjoy the boobies:

My Life in Awe of Heroes

wylddaze — 2006-01-11T10:01:50-05:00

So, I was going to blog about something deep and meaningful. That was, until I read something that was actually deep and meaningful. I think being a hero is about going against your 'own' when they are wrong and risking everything for what is right. I only hope that if I am ever asked to be there for someone who is wronged, I have this much guts: It's long but it's worth the read.

I quote:

Hugh Thompson, who died on Jan. 6 at the age of 62 from cancer, was such a hero. In one of the darkest moments of modern American history – on March 16, 1968, in the Vietnamese village of My Lai – Thompson landed his helicopter between rampaging U.S. soldiers and a group of terrified Vietnamese villagers to save their lives.

Circling over the village, Thompson was at first uncertain what he was witnessing. A bloodied unit of the Americal Division, furious over its own casualties, had stormed into a hamlet known as My Lai 4.

Revenge-seeking American soldiers rousted Vietnamese civilians – mostly old men, women and children – from their thatched huts and herded them into the village's irrigation ditches.

As the round-up continued, some Americans raped the girls. Then, under orders from junior officers on the ground, soldiers began emptying their M-16s into the terrified peasants. Some parents used their bodies futilely to shield their children from the bullets. Soldiers stepped among the corpses to finish off the wounded.

American Heroes

But there also were American heroes that day in My Lai, including helicopter pilot Hugh Clowers Thompson Jr. from Stone Mountain, Georgia. After concluding that he was witnessing a massacre, he landed his helicopter between one group of fleeing civilians and American soldiers in pursuit.

Thompson ordered his helicopter door gunner, Lawrence Colburn, to shoot the Americans if they tried to harm the Vietnamese. After a tense confrontation, the soldiers backed off.

Later, two of Thompson’s men climbed into one ditch filled with corpses and pulled out a three-year-old boy who was still alive. Thompson, then a warrant officer, called in other U.S. helicopters to assist the Vietnamese. All told, they airlifted at least nine Vietnamese civilians to safety.

When he returned to headquarters, a furious Thompson reported what he had witnessed, leading to orders that the My Lai killings be stopped. By then, however, the slaughter had raged for four hours, claiming the lives of 347 Vietnamese, including babies.

“They said I was screaming quite loud,” Thompson told U.S. News & World Report in 2004. “I threatened never to fly again. I didn't want to be a part of that. It wasn't war.”

For siding with Vietnamese civilians over his American comrades, Thompson was treated like a pariah. He was shunned by fellow soldiers, received death threats for reporting the war crime, and later was denounced by one congressman as the only American who should be punished for My Lai.

Thompson responded by saying that he had done what he thought was right, even if that meant aiming guns at Americans to save Vietnamese. “There was no way I could turn my back on them,” he later explained.

False Hero

But the appellation “hero” often lands on the wrong shoulders, giving credit not to people like Thompson who risk everything to do what is right, but rather elevating people who win acclaim by doing what is popular or expedient.

That flip side of the Thompson lesson was learned by another American soldier serving in the same region in Vietnam, whose life in a sense intersected with Thompson’s as they traveled in opposite directions, Thompson toward obscurity and the other toward fame.

Several months after the My Lai massacre – but before the slaughter became a public scandal – Army Major Colin Powell was assigned to Americal headquarters in Chu Lai. As a senior staff officer, Powell was given the task of investigating allegations of American abuse of Vietnamese civilians.

A letter had been written by a young specialist fourth class named Tom Glen, who had served in an Americal mortar platoon and was nearing the end of his Army tour. In the letter to Gen. Creighton Abrams, the commander of all U.S. forces in Vietnam, Glen accused the Americal Division of routine brutality against civilians.

“The average GI’s attitude toward and treatment of the Vietnamese people all too often is a complete denial of all our country is attempting to accomplish in the realm of human relations,” Glen wrote.

“Far beyond merely dismissing the Vietnamese as ‘slopes’ or ‘gooks,’ in both deed and thought, too many American soldiers seem to discount their very humanity; and with this attitude inflict upon the Vietnamese citizenry humiliations, both psychological and physical, that can have only a debilitating effect upon efforts to unify the people in loyalty to the Saigon government, particularly when such acts are carried out at unit levels and thereby acquire the aspect of sanctioned policy.”

Glen’s letter contended that many Vietnamese were fleeing from Americans who “for mere pleasure, fire indiscriminately into Vietnamese homes and without provocation or justification shoot at the people themselves.” Gratuitous cruelty was also being inflicted on Viet Cong suspects, Glen reported.

“Fired with an emotionalism that belies unconscionable hatred, and armed with a vocabulary consisting of ‘You VC,’ soldiers commonly ‘interrogate’ by means of torture that has been presented as the particular habit of the enemy. Severe beatings and torture at knife point are usual means of questioning captives or of convincing a suspect that he is, indeed, a Viet Cong. ...

“What has been outlined here I have seen not only in my own unit, but also in others we have worked with, and I fear it is universal.”

A Cursory Probe

The letter’s troubling allegations were not well received at Americal headquarters, where Glen’s report ended up on Major Powell’s desk. It was Powell’s politically sensitive job to investigate the charges of the division’s mistreatment of Vietnamese.

Powell undertook the assignment, but did so without questioning Glen or assigning anyone else to talk with him. Powell simply accepted a claim from Glen’s superior officer that Glen was not close enough to the front lines to know what he was writing about, an assertion that Glen has since denied.

After a cursory review, Powell drafted a response on Dec. 13, 1968. He admitted to no pattern of wrongdoing by the Americal Division toward Vietnamese civilians.

Powell claimed that U.S. soldiers were taught to treat Vietnamese courteously and respectfully. The Americal troops also had gone through an hour-long course on how to treat prisoners of war under the Geneva Conventions, Powell noted.

“There may be isolated cases of mistreatment of civilians and POWs,” Powell wrote. But “this by no means reflects the general attitude throughout the Division. …

“In direct refutation of this [Glen’s] portrayal,” Powell concluded, “is the fact that relations between Americal soldiers and the Vietnamese people are excellent.”

Meteoric Rise

Powell’s findings, of course, were largely false, though they were exactly what his superiors wanted to hear. Powell’s see-no-evil approach to controversies soon opened his way to a meteoric career as the most acclaimed political soldier of his era.

After finishing his Vietnam tour, Powell earned plum assignments, such as a stint at the White House where he gained powerful mentors, such as future Defense secretaries Caspar Weinberger and Frank Carlucci.

In the 1980s, Powell played a pivotal role in arranging the Iranian arms sales at the heart of the Iran-Contra Affair. He later employed his considerable personal charms to convince official Washington that the scandal was overblown and damaging to U.S. national security.

Later, under President George H.W. Bush, Powell became the nation’s first African-American chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff and oversaw the military operations against Panama in 1989 and Iraq in the first Persian Gulf War in 1990-91.

Awash in public acclaim after those lopsided military victories, Powell entered the pantheon of modern American heroes. Indeed, it seemed that no profile of Powell was complete without a reference to him as a “genuine American hero.”

In Campaign 2000, Powell’s status played an important role in securing the White House for George W. Bush because many journalists and many voters assumed that Powell would restore a sense of maturity and wisdom to the federal government and to U.S. foreign policy.

Instead Powell helped Bush lead the nation into the disastrous war in Iraq. In February 2003, Powell exploited his glittering reputation to go before the United Nations and sell the administration’s false assertions that Iraq’s Saddam Hussein was hiding weapons of mass destruction.

Later, millions of Americans were shocked to learn that Powell had let himself be used to peddle dubious WMD claims, which have since led to the deaths of more than 2,200 American soldiers and tens of thousands of Iraqis. After resigning as Secretary of State -- but not before Bush gained a second term -- Powell conceded that his U.N. testimony was a “blot” on his reputation.

But Americans might have been less surprised if they had understood Powell’s real history. [See, for instance, Consortiumnews.com’s series “Behind Colin Powell’s Legend.”]

In modern America, it seems false hero-worship has become the equivalent of worshipping false idols in ancient times, though arguably believing in false heroes has proved more dangerous.

Much of the mistake in trusting Colin Powell could be traced back to his blithe repudiation of Tom Glen’s heartfelt warnings. Indeed, if Powell had done any serious examination of Glen’s charges, Powell might well have learned about Thompson’s first-hand account of the My Lai massacre just months earlier.

My Lai Scandal

It would take another hero from the Americal Division, an infantryman named Ron Ridenhour, to piece together the truth about My Lai. After returning to the United States, Ridenhour interviewed Americal comrades who had participated in the massacre.

On his own, Ridenhour compiled this shocking information into a report and forwarded it to the Army inspector general. The IG’s office conducted an aggressive official investigation, in marked contrast to Powell’s slipshod review.

Confirming Ridenhour's report, the Army finally faced the horrible truth. Courts martial were held against officers and enlisted men who were implicated in the murder of the My Lai civilians.

Lt. William Calley, the platoon commander at My Lai, was sentenced to life in prison, but President Richard Nixon later commuted the sentence to three years’ house arrest.

Thompson’s brave defense of those Vietnamese civilians, however, was lost in the mist of history, until he was interviewed for a documentary in the 1980s. That prompted a public campaign to honor Thompson and his crew as examples of true American heroes.

Eventually, Thompson and two of his comrades, Colburn and Glenn Andreotta (who was killed in Vietnam three weeks after the My Lai massacre), were awarded the Soldier’s Medal, the highest U.S. military honor for bravery when not facing an enemy.

An emotional Thompson, who worked as a veterans counselor in Louisiana after leaving the military, accepted the award in 1998 “for all the men who served their country with honor on the battlefields of Southeast Asia.”

On March 16, 1998, Thompson and Colburn returned to Vietnam to attend a service at My Lai marking the 30th anniversary of the massacre. “I cannot explain why it happened,” Thompson said, according to CNN. “I just wish our crew that day could have helped more people than we did.”

Referring to the ostracism he faced and the long delay in getting recognition for what he did at My Lai in 1968, Thompson told the Associated Press in 2004: “Don't do the right thing looking for a reward, because it might not come.”

According to the AP, Colburn was at Thompson’s side when the American hero of My Lai died in Alexandria, Louisiana, after a long battle with cancer.

My Life Evolving

wylddaze — 2006-01-13T10:01:06-05:00

Have no fear ladies and gentlemen, they are back at the end of this post: Boobies. Before we go there, let's go here:

I had a thought t'other day and it frightened me. The thought I had was this: that language and society evolve through and by the efforts of the ignorant and the un-educated. It is the ignorant and the un-educated that drive the changes in language and social rules that we see as the evolution of our society. In fact, it is more evident in the last 100 years than at any time previously and yet we have the best teaching methods in the history of your species.

I don't mean this in any pejorative way, it simply means that the changes to language are brought about by the use of 'slang' as a shorthand. Those who are better educated try harder to preserve and properly use their language. I wondered if nature uses the same system to cause change. Creationists may leave at this point, there is nothing of any interest to you from here on.

Imagine that nature uses ignorance to bring about change and thereby evolution. For example, if a gene is placed in the wrong part of the helix and causes a mutation, then it is up to that mutation to find a way to survive. If it does, even being ignorant of its purpose in life, then it is an evolutionary change. For example, in a game reserve in Kenya there is a pride of lions that had not been tought by their parents that elephants were too dangerous to hunt. The result is that they are the only pride that we know of, who actually hunt elephants.

ERGO: Ignorance = Evolution.

Tomorrow night I present some Darwin Award results that will disprove everything I just said. And now....



My Life as a Darwinian Fish

wylddaze — 2006-01-16T01:01:52-05:00

It is my sad duty at this time, to inform you of the death of one of my fish. "Big-Fish" as he (or she) was known, was caught by my son at Lake Burley Griffin some 7 years ago and brought home as a trophy. He (or she) was captured with four others and they all survived until now. Two other fish have been added to the mix and one of them died a year or so ago but of the originals only Big-Fish has passed. It is believed that he (or she) passed away sometime in the past 48 hours of natural causes. Police said no suspicious circumstances were found to indicate foul play and no post mortem was carried out.

Big-Fish was buried in a quiet ceremony at lunch time  in the back yard, in the rain, to the accompaniment of bagpipes (in my head) He (or she) will be sadly missed. Big-Fish was like most carp, a huge weed fiend and the aquarium is expected to see an increase in weed much to the delight of bereaved friends.

And now on the Darwin Awards. "The Darwin Awards salute the improvement of the human genome by honouring those who remove themselves from it.  Of necessity, this honor is generally bestowed posthumously."

Darwin Award: FREEWAY DANGLER

-- Confirmed by Darwin

(31 May 2005, Seattle, Washington) Strength and endurance are two of

the most important characteristics that can be passed on to improve

the species, so physical challenges between males are frequent.  In

this case, two drinking buddies found themselves on an overpass 40

feet above a busy freeway in downtown Seattle at 2:45 a.m.  It turned

out to be the perfect place to determine who had more strength and

endurance.  Whoever could dangle from the overpass the longest would

win!

Unfortunately, the winner was too tired from his victory to climb back

up, despite help from his 31-year-old friend.  The unidentified

champion fell smack into the front of a semi-truck barreling down the

highway at 60 mph and bounced onto the pavement, where he was hit by a

car.  The car did not stop.  Authorities did not identify the winner

of the competition.

http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2005-13.html

Darwin Award: PLAYING WITH ELEPHANTS

-- Confirmed by Darwin

(7 March 2005, Hanoi, Vietnam) Nguyen, 21, had been drinking with

friends in the Tu Liem district, when he pulled out an old detonator

he had found.  It was about six centimeters long and eight centimeters

in diameter, with two wires hanging out.  Because it was old and

rusty, Nguyen said, it couldn't explode.  His friends disagreed.

To prove his point, Nguyen put the detonator in his mouth and asked

his friend to plug the dangling wires into a 220-volt electrical

receptacle.

Turns out Nyugen was wrong!

The victim had little time to reflect on his mistaken, or whether 220

volts alone could have been fatal.  According to police, "the

explosion blew out his cheeks and smashed all his teeth."  He died on

the way to the hospital.

http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2005-02.html

There are no boobies tonight in honour of Big-Fish.

My Life Animated

wylddaze — 2006-01-18T10:01:28-05:00

Sadly I have not much to relate tonight.. sorry: this morning. Life is good, there's so much rain about and I made muffins.

ATTENTION PUNY EARTHLINGS, YOU WILL ALL HAIL THE MUFFIN MASTER

Now if I could just find some way to become the Muff Miester

In other gnus, there is so much rain about, I am really loving it. It hasn't rained this much for years. After so many years of drought, it's like a monsoon. I heard a long range weather forcaster saying that Australias' monsoon area is descending from the northern lattitudes to the the southern. He said if global warming continues, the southern states like the Australian Capital Territory could become like parts of Asia where they are dry for 8 months and then rained on for 4 months. I likey that - loooong time.

Now because some of you have complained I have found more boobies for you mmk? 'Cos you know I hate to let you all down. Do enjoy them won't you.

My Life With The Roaches

wylddaze — 2006-01-21T03:01:15-05:00

OK so this is something that has never happened to me before and frankly, it's just creeeepy.

I went to get the mail yeterday as is my wont, and I checked the mail box as you do, for spiders etc (in this country you just do that sort of thing, it's like thumping your shoes on the floor before you put them on to make sure there's no nasties in there.)

So no spiders, no "creatures" all good, I take out the mail and take it inside to open it. That's when "IT" happened! I put my finger in the crease at the corner of the envelope to open it up and began tearing it open. That's when I felt something brush the back of my hand. I thought nothing of it because hey, it's prolly just a bit of the paper I'm tearing my finger through, right? WRONG!!!!!

Now, I used to live in Cairo, where the cockroaches are so big they ride in on horse-back, order drinks and start bar fights in your kitchen. Ever since then I have hated roaches with a passion, can't stand them and will kill them at every opportunity.

So what do you think it was that rushed out of the envelope and across my hand before falling to the floor???? The little bastard, ran like I was after him, ...'cos I was after him. I got him too but the fun doesn't end there boys and girls, oh no, there's more. As I proceded to open the letter inside, there's another one of the little fuckers!! I actually yelled - not like a school girl but like Mel Gibson in "Braveheart" I killed that one too and then to my utter amazement, I read the document and all it said was that the electricity supply is going to be interrupted one day in two weeks while they repair a pole... WHO CARES!!!

On the plus side I got two free roaches from the electricity company eh?

Ever had an anxiety attack? I had one today. First one in like ten years. I was in the supermarket getting supplies for the winter (OK the week.) and I asked myself what I wanted for dinner. I have no idea why but that started an attack. I hate when that happens, I had to leave the store and sit in the car breathing deeply for about 20 minutes. Yuk, what a wussy baby boi.

Anyways, here are some boobies:

My Life Muted

wylddaze — 2006-01-24T12:01:41-05:00

Well, another day without anything of interest to say. I even bore mysef some days so I have decided to show you some tongue.

You thought Gene Simmons had a great tongue? Ha! This is a tongue:

And of course some of you will want to see boobies. Well, today you're in ~~lick~~ ... sorry luck because I have a bonus for you ... multiple boobage! Check these out:

Have a nice day y'all.

My Life Laughing Like a Spider

wylddaze — 2006-01-25T09:01:36-05:00

The title of todays episode reminds me of a question I have often asked: What do spiders think about while they are sitting up in the corner of their webs for days at a time? - Anyone?

And now for todays' feature presentation:

This story happened a while ago in Brisbane, and  even

though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale,  it's

true.

John Bradford, a SydneyUniversitystudent, was on the

side of the  road hitch hiking on a very dark night and

in the midst of a storm. The night  was rolling on and

no car went by. The storm was so strong he could

hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly he saw a car slowly  coming towards him and

stopped. John, desperate for shelter and  without

thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door,

just to  realize there was nobody behind the wheel and

the engine wasn't  on!

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road

and saw a  curve approaching. Scared, he started to

pray, begging for his life. Then,  just before he hit

the curve, a hand appeared through the window and

turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched

how the hand  appeared every time they came to a curve.

John saw the lights of a pub down  the road so,

gathering strength, jumped out of the car and ran to

it. Wet  and out of breath, he rushed inside and asked

for two shots of tequila. He  then started telling

everybody about the horrible experience he  went

through.

A silence enveloped everybody when they realized he

was crying and....wasn't drunk.

About 15 minutes later, two guys  walked into the same

pub. They were also wet and out of breath.  Looking

around and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar,

one said to  the other, "Look, Bruce.. here's the

fu/cking idiot that got in the car  while we were

pushing it."

And now for news from the war on terror - Investigators are asking the question of this terrorist cell: Got boobies?

My Life with Tiffany

wylddaze — 2006-01-26T08:01:36-05:00

A friend of mine (I've known her for like 15 years!) threw a real "Tiffany" moment (precious and fragile) yesterday. We were talking over MSN chat, about stalkers. She was saying that hers had proposed to her the previous night and I was saying how mine makes me feel loved and wanted. She suddenly said, "oh and I thought we were friends, perhaps I should just hang up then". Then she hung up!

Now I dunno much about much but even if I had said something to offend her, she should have extended me the right to reply or the benefit of the doubt. Now she won't return my calls. A 15 year friendship ends because she has misunderstood something. I think ( because I have been over-thinking this) that she thought I was saying that she didn't make me feel as good as my stalker makes me feel. WTF is with that? Any opinions?

In other news heres a short tale:

Steve Irwin walks into a bar with his pet crocodile by his side. He puts the croc up on the bar. He then turns to the astonished patrons and says:

"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this croc's mouth and place my genitalia inside.Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my genitalia unscathed. In return for witnessing this pectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured in unanimous approval.

Steve stood up on the bar,dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the crocodile's open mouth. The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, Irwin grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the croc hard on the top of its head. The croc opened his mouth and he removed his genitals unscathed as promised.The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

Steve stood up again and made another offer.
"I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

A hush fell over the crowd.After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up...

"I'll try it! Just don't hit me too hard with the beer bottle."

Finally, would you pick up this hitch-hiker?

My Life with Hank Hill

wylddaze — 2006-01-30T10:01:10-05:00

OK this is "weird in extremis" Any of you who have seen the TV show "King of the Hill" will have seen Hank Hill, - seller of propane and propane accessories. Well, I have met his real-time counterpart.

I am not a build-your-own-carport kinda guy but I will replace the blades on the lawn mower when it needs to be done. I am not machine-illiterate, after all I have ridden motorcycles for a long time and know how to pull things apart pretty well. Getting them back together is not always guarranteed. So anyway, I went to the shop to get the blades ( yes, there is a shop for that) and as I walked in the front door I saw this guy at the counter and had a serious flash-back moment. He looked the spitting image of Hank Hill - seller of propane and propane accessories. I could have sworn I was having and LSD flashback to 1980.

I mean his head was the same and his glasses and even his beer-belly; Then he opened his mouth and he even sounded like him! I had to bite my lip to stop from laughing. Seriously, this was just too much. A week later I had to go back there to get a new throttle cable ( long story, don't ask) and deal with the same dude. I'm afraid to go back there in case I ask the question:

"'scuse me mate, do you ever watch King Of The Hill?"

I almost did ask him last time I was there but I'm not sure what kind of a sense of humour a guy who - sells lawn mowers and lawn mowing accessories would have.

On a completely unrelated theme, I urge you all to purchase the next issue of LIP magazine as I have an article in it as well as my tattoo design competition. Unfortunately, if I know you, you can't win the comp' but it will be fun to look at anyways no?

Anyway, boobies:

Police and Anti-Terrorist Units all over the country are searching for this group of highly tanned and gorgeous individuals. If you see them, authorities advise you to not approach them but to call your local police immediately on 000.

My Life Francaise

wylddaze — 2006-01-31T03:01:24-05:00

A woman is walking down the street when she sees an advert in the window which reads:
"Good Home Wanted for Clitoris Licking Frog."

This woman can't believe the ad but goes in to ask. There is a young boy behind the counter. She walks in and asks him, "I've come about the Clitoris Licking Frog."

The young guy smiles and replies,

"Oui, Madame."

My Life in Traffic

wylddaze — 2006-02-03T01:02:22-05:00

If you drive a vehicle in Canberra, this is important information:

Subject: FW: new speed cameras around ACT

New Canberra SPEED CAMERA locations effective the 17th January

63 - Canberra Ave - Between Mildura Street and Monaro Highway

64 - Canberra Ave - Between Harman Naval Station and Newcastle Street

65 - Kings Avenue - Between Bowen Drive and Parkes Way

66 - William Hovell Drive - Between Bindubi Street and Coulter Drive

67 - William Hovell Drive - Between Coulter Drive and Drake Brockman Drive

68 - Commonwealth Avenue - Between King Edward Terrace and London Circuit

69 - Gundaroo Drive - Between Burrowa Street and Gungahlin Drive

70 - Gundaroo Drive - Between Barton Highway and Nudurr Drive

71 - Bindubi Street - Between Banjalong Crescent and Cross Street

72 -  Clift Crescent - Between Hemming Crescent and Rohan Street

73 -  Cotter Road - Between Eucumbene Drive and Mount Stromlo Road

74 -  Federal Highway - Between Antill Street and Majura Road

75 -  Majura Road - Between Federal Highway and Fairbairn Avenue

76 -  Ellenborough Street - Between Ginninderra Drive and Maribyrnong Avenue

77 -  Northbourne Avenue - Between Barton Highway and Stirling Avenue

78 -  Southern Cross Drive - Between Coulter Drive and Kingsford Smith Drive

79 -  Southern Cross Drive - Between Kingsford Smith Drive and Spofforth Street

80 -  Sulwood Drive - Between Erindale Drive and Tuggeranong Parkway

81 - Coulter Drive - Between Belconnen Way and Lachlan Street

82 - Eastern Valley Way - Between Belconnen Way and College Street

83 - Haydon Drive - Between Belconnen Way and Ginninderra Drive

84 - Yamba Drive - Between Hindmarsh Drive and Wisdom Street

I am posting this photo in the hope that it will inspire some rain in canberra again soon. Have a nice day now.

no subject

wylddaze — 2006-02-04T11:02:37-05:00

Go to: www.askmen.com/specials/2006_top_99 and tell me if you can figure out how Natalie Portman rated higher than Monica Bellucci. I mean really, has the world gone mad? Who makes these lists, Al Qaeda?

My Life under Sharia Law

wylddaze — 2006-02-05T04:02:00-05:00

Recent events in Europe and the middle-east have proven two things to me this week. First, that muslims have no sense of humour and second, that they also have no sense of respect for the law.

OK, so some cartoonist drew a cartoon of Mohamed the Prophet (praised be his name) with explosives under his headwear. It's funny, we laugh, we move on. It wouldn't be so very, very funny if your brothers and sisters didn't continually go about the place blowing themselves up! Hell-ooooo, we aren't laughing with you here.

There have been thousands of cartoons depicting Christ on the cross, or Moses and Abraham, not to mention the many humorous depictions of the Buddha over the years and no one went crazy about them did they? So my advice to all you fundamentalists (Here at al-Qaeda, we put the 'mental' in fundamentalism!) is to buy a sense of humour, build a fucking bridge and GET OVER IT!

Out of respect for the most holy, god given right of all humans I present this comic relief instead of boobies tonight.

A warning to all fundamentalists of every religeous persuasion; you may like to find the following offensive. Be my guests you hateful trilobites:

That reminds me ... can anyone tell me why I can't reduce my pic's anymore? This is sooooo frustrating!

My Life as a Spelling Error

wylddaze — 2006-02-06T05:02:06-05:00

Relax everyone, we finally figured out what went wrong. It was all a big spelling error; the CIA sent a memo saying the Weapons Of Mass Destruction were in Iraq. What they meant to say was Iran.

See, it was just a big mistake, we meant to invade Iran. So if it's all OK with you we'll just pop over there next OK? Oh there might be a small problem with that though, since the Russians are their friends and might just want to defend the Iranians.

Can you say Viet-Nam?

That's my 5 cents worth.

My Life is Rubbish

wylddaze — 2006-02-10T02:02:06-05:00

Today, February the 10th, a day that will live in infamy! I shall henceforth reffer to this day as "Harsh Day". I got harshed twice today in rapid succession. This is not makin' me happy.

Details:

I had a luncheon date with a hot blonde and she cancelled on me at the last minute! I can handle that, I'm a grown-up, it's no biggie. I also had a dinner date with a hot red-head ... she cancelled on me an 1/2 an hour later!!!

What is this - a conspiracy? Whose goat did I bugger? Is this the 'spank' fairy??

Of course I also got promoted at work but who cares? I'm dateless and sad, think I'll go cry into my pillow.

bye

*sniff*

My Life in a Tree With a Koala

wylddaze — 2006-02-13T04:02:29-05:00

The Koala and the Little Lizard

A koala is sitting up a gumtree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says

"Hey Koala!  Whatcha doin'?"



The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink at the river. The little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard:

"What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the

river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says

"Hey you!"

So the koala looks down at him and says: "Faaaaarrrrk duuuude.......how much water did you drink?!!"



Note: This warning has been re-translated from the original Korean.

- This message is for the persons use only. It may or may not, contain confidential, proprietary or legally privileged information. If you receive this message in error, please immediately delete it and all copies of it from your system, destroy any hard copies of it and notify the sender. Then run to the nearest washroom and dunk your head in the lavatory bowl, while flushing and repeating untill you have forgotten any information you may have subconsciously absorbed from this transmission.You must not, directly or indirectly, use, disclose, distribute, print, think about or copy any part of this message if you are not the intended recipient. This includes sleep-talking. We reserve the right to monitor all email communications through your networks because we don't trust you. Any views expressed in this message are those of the individual sender, except where the message states otherwise and the sender is authorised to state them to be the views of any such entity... and ... stuff. Thank you.

My Life Disgracefully

wylddaze — 2006-02-16T06:02:50-05:00

Growing old disgracefully is not as easy as I had assumed it would be. There's a lot of planning involved and not a little bit of re-thinking. This is very hard work.

So anyway, tonight I found a jar of pesto at the back of the 'fridge which was a bonus because it was exactly what I needed at that time. Now, I admit the jar has been there for some time; in fact the "use by" date is written in aramaic. So it should have come as no great surprise that when I opened it there was a loud "pop" and a cloud of something exploded out of the top ... I believe now that this may have been a cloud of spores.

What has been growing in the pesto since B.C. is anyones' guess, I only hope I haven't destroyed some new and emerging life form. I may have done a bad thing but I swear it was in self-defence. I thrust the lid back on and trapped the spores inside ... I hope. I then made sure the hot water was running fast before opening the jar under the tap, hopefully killing everything inside.

They mostly come at night ... mostly.

If I die in the next few days or weeks, please cremate me and send my ashes to the Harley Davidson factory in Milwaukee to be added to the metal for a new bike.

Please consider:

My Life With Vermin

wylddaze — 2006-02-21T08:02:59-05:00

So the other day I went to make a phone call and couldn't ... a problem with my gross-motor skills maybe? No, a problem with my telephone lines. I call the company (Telstra) to come and re-attach me and they promptly tell me it will be Tuesday morning. No worries, I think I'll live that long, I have the mobile after all.

Longest four days - ever. The guys came Tuesday but alas, I was asleep. I was not aware they would need to enter the premises since I was told that the fault was at the junction box up the road. It wasn't. The nice man came again today and looked all over and under the house and found ... drum-roll please ... evidence. That's right people - evidence!

The phone lines have been eaten through in two places by rats! I hate rats. I hate them sooooo much. Apparently they have been taking apples off the tree in my yard and bringing them back to the tiny hole in the wall to eat them. Because they can't get them in the hole they eat them just outside and then leave the remains to rot. On the way back into the nest they have a quick chew on the phone lines to clean their teeth.

Did you know that the phone companies now use a phone cable that is filled with a gel that burns the rats mouth? It contains Jalapeno pepper essence of all things!

My house now has plenty of new cable and, as an added extra bonus for the rats I have also put down some delicious cyanide (illegal but very effective) rat baits. Yuummmmyy!

G'nite now.

,{:-)

My Life in the Funny Pages

wylddaze — 2006-02-25T03:02:28-05:00

President Bush was scheduled to worship at a small Methodist Church outside Washington, D.C. as part of Karl Rove's campaign to reverse Bush's rapidly deteriorating approval ratings. A week before the visit, Rove called on the Methodist Bishop who was scheduled to preach on the chosen Sunday.   "As you know, Bishop," began Rove, "we've been getting a lot of bad publicity among Methodists because of the president's position on stem cell research and the like. We'd gladly arrange for Jack Abramoff's friends to make a contribution of $100,000 to the church if during your sermon you would say that President Bush is a saint."

The Bishop thought about it for a few minutes, and finally said, "This parish is in rather desperate need of funds ... I'll agree to do it."

The following Sunday, Bush pompously showed up for the photo op, looking especially smug even while attempting to appear pious.

After making a few announcements, the Bishop began his homily:  "George W. Bush is a petty, vindictive, sanctimonious hypocrite and a nitwit. He is a liar, a cheat, and a low-intelligence weasel with the world's largest chip on his shoulder. He used every dirty election trick in the book and still lost, but his toadies in the Supreme Court appointed him. He lied about his military record in which he used special privilege to avoid combat, and then had the gall to dress up and pose on an aircraft carrier before a banner stating "Mission Accomplished." He invaded a sovereign country for oil and war profiteering, turning Iraq into a training ground for terrorists who would destroy our country. He continues to confuse the American people by insisting on a nonexistent connection between the horrors of 9/11 and the reason he started his war in Iraq.   He routinely appoints incompetent and unqualified cronies to high-level federal government positions and as a result, hundreds and hundreds of Americans died tragically in New Orleans. He lets corporate polluters despoil God's creation and doom our planet. He uses fear-mongering to justify warrantless spying on American citizens, in clear violation of our Constitution. He is so psychotic and megalomaniacal that he believes that he was chosen by God. He is the worst example of a Methodist I have ever personally known.

But compared to Dick Cheney and Karl Rove and the rest of the evil fascist bastards in this administration, George W. Bush is a saint.

and now ... Boobies:

My Life at The Football

wylddaze — 2006-03-01T06:03:45-05:00

"love many, trust few, always paddle your own canoe."

THE FOOTY ....ABSOLUTE GOLD

A man had great tickets for the Grand Final. As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No",he says. "The seat is empty".

This is incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Grand Final, the biggest sporting event in Australia, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Grand Final we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral."

Boobies anyone?

My Life with an Assassin

wylddaze — 2006-03-02T09:03:46-05:00

We Mourn Today, The Passing Of Another Family Member. In Memoriam: Fat-Fish.

Regular readers will remember that a few weeks ago we had a death in the family; Big-Fish who died in the night.

Sadly, I must report to you the loss of her tank-mate and fishy friend Fat-Fish. I arrived home this morning to find Fat-Fish lying at the bottom of the aquarium, dead.

There is something very unnerving in arriving home to find your fish floating at the top of the aquarium, eyes open and very dead. It is even more ominous when they are laying at the bottom of the tank, their dead eyes open. Fish are not supposed to lie at the bottom when they die, they are supposed by tradition, to float.

Police are treating the death as suspicious and after the autopsy a small ceremony was held in the back yard for the burial. No Friends attended and no flowers were recieved. Fat-Fish was laid to rest alongside her good friend and long-time "companion" Big-Fish. At least I think she was, I can't remember exactly where Big-Fish was buried. Either way they are reasonably close.

The detective on the case has told me in confidence that he believes there may be something fishy about the deaths and that they may be connected. It is possible that they were gang related as the gold-fish aquarium is a known cover for the 24K triad. There has in the past, been some rumours of a Yakuza connection with Koi in other fish tanks.

Sadly the remaining four carp in the tank have little to say and have kept to themselves pretty much today.

Fat-Fish, we will miss you.

My Life Darwinian

wylddaze — 2006-03-04T03:03:26-05:00

Darwin Awards - 2004 Honourable Mention:

HONORABLE MENTION: Clean Brake

-- Confirmed by Darwin

(5 November 2004, Greymouth, New Zealand) Sometimes it pays to use a

cheaper substitute, thought Wayne, 19, as he replaced lost brake fluid

with dishwashing liquid.  He took the car out for a test drive and

discovered that sometimes you get what you pay for.

He applied his foot to the brake pedal as the car began to slide

around a slight bend, but for some reason, the brakes didn't respond.

The car spun completely around, clipped the curb, and slammed into a

power pole.  His trouble was just beginning, though, because Wayne had

also saved money by not registering the car.  There was really no

point in registering the car, he thought, because his licence had

already been suspended.  Wayne was sentenced to 220 hours of community

service for driving with a suspended license, stealing two orange

traffic safety cones, and dangerous driving.

For what it's worth, his license was suspended for another year.

And now ..... Boobies (kind of):

My Life in Love

wylddaze — 2006-03-06T06:03:58-05:00

Things I love about living in Canberra:

1- waking up in the morning with the sun coming in, dapled by the fig tree outside my window and watching a hot-air balloon float gently past; so low that I can hear the people in the basket laughing and talking. Pure magic.

And now humour:

Subject: FW: How to break bad news...

----- At dawn the telephone rings.

"Hello, Senor Lucky? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country
house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor, that your parrot died.

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Senor,that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. "What did
he die from?"

"From eating rotten meat, Senor"

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the
water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught
on fire."

"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the
candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor."

WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"

"Your wife's, Senor...She showed up one night out of the blue and I
thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."

SILENCE...................

"Ernesto if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!"

My Life Punned

wylddaze — 2006-03-08T03:03:33-05:00

Wit: "Cleverness in handling words and ideas."

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

Practise safe eating - always use condiments.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)

A backwards poet writes inverse.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism, your count votes.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you a flat
minor.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted. It t'aint yours and it t'aint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at
large.

Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

When an actress saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd
dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

My Life Hunted

wylddaze — 2006-03-11T01:03:15-05:00

Last year I saw a show about jumping spiders and about how they have really good eyesight and how they eat other spiders and about how they strategize. These little creatures actually plan their attacks and sneak around behind their prey to attack them. I was impressed and since "the enemy of my enemy is my friend", I decided to not kill these anymore.

So the other night at work I'm watching TV with my feet up (yes, I get paid to do this) and I spot this little jumping spider on the wall. It's getting all jumpitty and all over the place when suddenly, it stops and looks straight at me. This was so funny because I stopped and looked back at it. Then it hopped off on it's way. I lost sight of it after that and then had a strange thought. "What if it has hopped around behind me and is hunting me?" I laughed.

A few minutes later I felt something hit my arm; I looked around and guess what? It was the fucking spider!! It was sitting there looking at me like it expected me to fall over dead from its vicious attack. What was it planning to do with me? Did it have any idea at all about the size difference between us when it jumped? Was it thinking it had struck the jackpot? And since when exactly do I look like a fucking spider??

I killed it, little fucker.

Afterwards I wondered if maybe I had mistaken the spider being 'playful' for an attack. Was it just being playful? Was it sitting there expecting me to play "tag"?

Hmmm, this may have been a bad judgement call.

My Life Short and Unreliable

wylddaze — 2006-03-13T12:03:00-05:00

My doctor tells me that as men get older their sex-life becomes more and more like John Howard; Shorter and less reliable. If only there was a viagra for politics.

In other gnus:

http://clarako.com/I_Like_You.swf

and, while this may offend some, I feel it needs to be seen to be believed:

My Life Stoned

wylddaze — 2006-03-16T12:03:36-05:00

So Slobbering Milosevic is dead eh? The filthy, fat fuck couldn't even do the decent thing and stand trial. Well that's OK none of his victims got one, why should he? I reckon he should be buried in an unmarked grave in a field somewhere where no one can find him ... just like his victims. Good fucking riddance you evil, fat fuck; may you rot in hell for all eternity ... if I believed in hell which I don't. Y'know, I wish I was a better buddhist.

Anyway, onto todays subject: Marijuana.

My thoughts are these:

-that if it was really all that bad for you, it would be easier to prove. You wouldn't need a new study every year to contradict the 'other' new study that says it's harmless or even beneficial.

- That if 2000 arrests are made every day in the US for posession and/or cultivation of Cannabis Sativa, then obviously the "war on drugs" is being lost by the authoritahs.

- That since prohibition of alchohol in the 1930s didn't work, we shouldn't expect it to work on this drug either. In fact the effort in the 1930s to erradicate alchohol in the U.S. created and institutionalised the mafia.

-Look at civilised, sensible countries like Canadia and Holland where Cannabis is no longer considered an issue. Crime has dropped and the price of the pot has too.

- What gives the gumbyment the right to dictate to me what I can and cannot enjoy? I am an adult, even if I chose an addictive drug (which cannabis isn't) to enjoy, that should be my right. This is my body, my life and I demand the right to choose!!

And now for the ladies, a special event; cock-torture like you've not likely seen:

My Life Unwritten

wylddaze — 2006-03-22T01:03:27-05:00

I just don't blog enough lately. I am too busy with this real life thing I have going. I must make more time. Where the hell is that time-creator I made?

My thoughts this week are with the good people up north who have just been through a cyclone and lost pretty much all they had. Queensland is gods' country but it still suffered badly. A friend of mine has family in Innisfail and they got battered; Their house is 'liveable' she says. Her uncle has no house left at all. I can't imagine that kind of loss.

Have a nice week.

,{:-)

My Life Ugly

wylddaze — 2006-03-24T12:03:30-05:00

An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.

The shopkeeper asks: "Are they twins?"

The woman says: "No, he's 9 and she's 7, Why, do you think they look alike?"

"No", he replies

"I just can't believe you got laid twice"

Now that's good laughin'

My Life Digging Ditches

wylddaze — 2006-03-27T08:03:28-05:00

Maybe the best joke ever ....

Two dummies were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one dummy digging a hole, the other one filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing.

So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it-why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the guy who plants the trees called in sick."

My Life Nuclear

wylddaze — 2006-04-03T06:04:19-05:00

So Australia has now signed a deal to sell uranium to China.

We have just agreed to sell nuclear-fissionable material to a totalitarian, communist regime whose stated aim is world domination.

What could possibly go wrong?

My Life with Good Edi-quette

wylddaze — 2006-04-04T05:04:24-05:00

RULES OF ETIQUETTE FOR THE AUSTRALIAN MALE

IN GENERAL

1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.

3. It's tacky to take an esky to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN ute keys.

2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.

3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.

4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.

DATING

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook - especially on the first date.

2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the dunny door two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back.   Some will say 11:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the man's  responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.

2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen.  Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a  drop in your popularity. (Excessive use of the tongue is also considered out of place)

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux.  A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight.

2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

And now, especially for Moosey:

My Life with a Side of Salad

wylddaze — 2006-04-06T11:04:37-05:00

This is so very funny and somehow so very, very wrong.

http://www.fat-pie.com/salad.htm

As such I recommend it to you all.

My Life at WAR!

wylddaze — 2006-04-11T07:04:17-05:00

RATTEN-KRIEG!!!

Ladies and gentlemen, I have today implemented a final solution to the problem before me.

I have declared war on the rodents and unleashed the most devastating shock and awe weapons I have at my disposal.

I have been left with no alternative since over the past two months the rats have chewed through my phonelines twice. This unprovoked attack on my soveriegn territory has resulted in my unleashing the deadliest Weapon of Mass Destruction known to the rat world ... Warforin.

My head rests tonight, uneasy in the knowledge that I have caused the deaths of possibly thousands.

May gawd have mercy on us all.

My Life at Easter

wylddaze — 2006-04-14T07:04:14-05:00

HAPPY EASTER

to all who celebrate it and to all those who don't, may you burn in hell you un-christian bastards!

No wait, that's not what I meant to say at all. I meant to say:

HAPPY FERTILITY FESTIVAL AND A GOOD HARVEST TO YOU ALL !!

My Easter pic:

Don'tcha just love their little pink noses? I know I do!

My Life Curiously

wylddaze — 2006-04-23T02:04:14-05:00

Ever had this happen to you? I think not!

My Life Sucking

wylddaze — 2006-04-29T10:04:29-05:00

I have nothing to add really, the poster says it all. Have a nice day.

,{;-)

My Life Exploding

wylddaze — 2006-05-15T04:05:39-05:00

If you comment in this thread ...

1) ... I shall respond with something random I like about you.

2) ... I shall tell you what song, movie or book reminds me of you.

3) ... I shall name something we should do together.

4)... I shall say something that only makes sense to you and me (or at least me).

5) ... I shall tell you my first or clearest memory of you.

6) ... I shall leave you a quote that is somehow appropriate to you.

7) ... I shall ask you something that I have always wondered about you.

8) ... If I do this for you, you must in turn post this on your journal so you can do the same for others. Though you could just be selfish and not do so.

And in other gnus ....

- is it just me or is there something strangely ironic about this? Motorola in Brazil have recalled because they are exploding! This is funny because Motorola make land mines.

- a patient in New Zilund has set fire to the operating theatre during an operation by ... farting. The patient released an unusually large amount of methane during a procedure involving a heated cauterizing instrument, which ignited it causing a small fire.

My Life in Autumn

wylddaze — 2006-05-24T06:05:31-05:00

Two things, one strange the other wonderful:

So if you're here in Oz it's Autumn; The leaves are a tumbling and the weather is a turnin' cool. As I strolled home from my local shops the other day, it was cool but sunny out and there was no wind so it was a pleasant day in all. The colours of the turning leaves were full fire and gold and the day was quiet, with no traffic noise to disturb the peace. I was really enjoying the walk.

As I came to an Oak tree a breeze blew up and rustled the leaves on the branches and I stopped to look up, just as what seemed like a thousand leaves leapt from their anchors on the branches and fell all about me. The rustling noise they made sounded like hundreds and thousands of tiny voices chattering. It was one of those rare and very magical moments which passed in a few seconds. With leaves still falling about me, I continued on my way home but now I was fully smiling.

Now for the strange ...

As I sometimes do, I went to the porn shop the other day. I like to keep up with the new trends in sex and especially the bondage goodies. On this particular day there was a group of four other shoppers there, two girls about 18 and (apparently) their boyfriends. The two girls were obviously new to all this and one was giggling quite hard while the other one just looked and picked up and generally investigated everything.

The giggling one turned at one point to her female companion and laughing, said "this place is really disgusting". Her boyfriend turned to her and said "But really, you've either seen or done everything in these videos". She fell quite silent after that but somehow I don't think he got any that night. My thinking was that if she didn't like it she should have left, the door was open after all.

And now a word from our sponsor:

My Life Endangered

wylddaze — 2006-06-04T04:06:17-05:00

Can the English language survive?

"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country."
- George W. Bush

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
- George W. Bush

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
- George W. Bush

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
- George W. Bush

"The future will be better tomorrow."
- George W. Bush

"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
- George W. Bush

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
- George W. Bush

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe . We are a part of Europe."
- George W. Bush

"Public speaking is very easy."
- George W. Bush

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
- George W. Bush

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
- George W. Bush

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
- George W. Bush

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
- George W. Bush

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
- George W. Bush

"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system."
- George W. Bush

God Help America...

My Life In Country

wylddaze — 2006-06-07T06:06:51-05:00

George Bush met The Queen, and he turns to her and says:

"As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how the country is referred

to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom".

The Queen replies "I'm sorry Mr Bush, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have

a King in charge - and you're not a King."

George Bush thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?",

To which the Queen replied "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a

Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr Bush".

Bush thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?" The

Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replies "Sorry again, Mr Bush, but

to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an

Emporer."

Before George Bush could utter another word, The Queen said:

"I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country".

My Life In Absentia

wylddaze — 2006-06-28T05:06:21-05:00

My sincere apologies to all, I have been offline for a couple of weeks due to an administrative issue. Someone ... who shall remain nameless - but you KNOW who you are - insisted we needed an broadband upgrade. This isn turn, required me to have a PC system upgrade from W98 to Wxp. This would normally be just fabo but in the change over all my information including my e-mail address book and various other items, was lost to eternity.

So if I know you and you want me to have your e-mail address, please send me an e-mail.

Cheers for now, I'll be back with more scintillating and even scathing bloggery later.

,{:-)

My Life With the Aliens

wylddaze — 2006-07-10T03:07:42-05:00

So there we were, just me and the aliens; their ship had crashed and what was I to do? I couldn't just leave 'em out there in the Nevada desert all alone while they waited for their friends to come and get them could I? It was cold and it was lonely and let's face it they were all alone on a strange planet. I felt for them, so I said "what the hell" I'll stay and keep 'em company.

That's the last time I volunteer for that duty! What a bunch of creeps! It started out well enough, they were all being very polite and friendly and complimentary about the place. I mean you would wouldn't you? it's someone elses' planet, of course you'd be polite and try to get along. Then I made the biiig mistake of being all too polite and offering them a few drinks. I had a bottle of 'Jack' with me so I offered to share it around. It was a cold night and we had a good little fire going ( nothing compared to the fucking great beacon they had set up to attract their friends though.) and it was keeping the cold at bay but there's nothing like a good drop of the 'Jack' to warm the cockles of your heart; Not to mention your cockle itself!

Well, the first drinks went down and they reacted pretty much as I thought they would, trying to be all macho and tell me that they had drinks that would peel the skin off my throat, yada yada yada, I got bored with the bullshit and told 'em they were full of it. That's when it all started to go pear-shaped I reckon.

I get a bit pissed-off when people tell me they don't like my place. I mean if you don't like my house then just don't fucking visit you know? If you can't say anything nice about my place then just shut the fuck up and don't say anything. So they start: 'You're planet is like this boring, dull little place where a bunch of retard's live. We only come here to laugh at you dude.' and 'Man, if I had to live on this dust-ball, I'd kill myself.' Then insults got really personal: ' So tell us earth-man, what's it like growing actual hair everywhere and walking on your knuckles?' They all laughed really hard at that one and I think it's then that I decided to do it.

I am not a violent person, I mean I haven't hit anyone since my school days and even then it was only a play-fight really. I will admit that having a few drinks in me might have made a bit of a difference and that perhaps my judgment was impaired but these little grey fuckers were really working on my last nerve. I picked up a rock the size of a golfball and threw it at the one nearest me; it was a serious mistake. Who knew they were so freaking fragile? I mean I have never, ever seen someone crack open like that! How do these guys even go outside knowing that they can break that easily?

Anyways, the others just kind of sat there looking at it and I immediately thought I needed to do something about this. I could see that one of them was going for his gun (why do they all wear six-guns on old west style belts anyway?) and I just knew that was going to be bad so I beat him to it by slinging another stone. I hit him fairly in his neck and his head about popped off. The other two were easy, one of them tried to run and hide but I knew if he did, things would get ugly when his compadres arrived. There was a little chase but it din't last long, these guys have really short legs and they run like penguins.

By the time their friends arrived it was all done. I built a bigger fire in the crashed ship and hauled the bits I could find of the bodies into it. The 'rescue party' found only a burned out shell and some jelly; Mind you, they weren't the best 'rescue party' I've ever seen, half of them were stoned and the other half were just loud-mouthed and stupid.

Anyways yeah, so much for my holiday to Roswell.

My Life at War

wylddaze — 2006-07-25T02:07:28-05:00

So there's a lot on the news at the moment about this war thingy in Lebanon. I have decided to give you the shortened version here to explain it all.

ahem ...

- OK first, there's this political group called hezbollah. They want to get into power and rule lebanon as an islamic state under sharia law ... like Afgahnistan was under the taliban. They have about 6 seats in the Lebanese government and this gives them a lot of power.

- So the hezbollah go to the governments of Syria and Iran and ask for lots of cash and weapons so they can wage war on the hated Israelis in occupied Palestine (Israel). Syria and Iran gladly oblige because they know they get the results of a war without the danger of actually being attacked.

- The militant arm of hezbollah gets the weapons (a couple of thousand rockets mainly) and start launching them into Israel (occupied Palestine) knowing that Israel might shoot back a bit but not that much and that this action will increase their status in the political arena.

- Israel, (occupied palestine) which has been looking for an excuse to go into Lebanon for a couple of years and root out these cowards, gets the hump and decides now is as good a time as any and moves into high gear and attacks. This surprises hezbollah who now start to use up al their rockets and find themselves on the run. This has seriously damaged their political standing as they are now seen as amateurs.

- Israel then goes too far and starts to fire randomly against civilian targets which damages their international reputation.

- While all this is going on, the United States and Australia as well as Great Britain - who should all just shut their mouths anyway - agree that Israel has the right to defend itself against aggression and that they will not interfere. In the mean time Lebanon gets a war they didn't ask for by allowing Syria and Iran, through hezbollah to attack a foreign country from Lebanese soil.

- So who are the winners and losers here? Well, Syria, Iran and their lap-dogs hezbollah all get a war they wanted. Syria and Iran can sit safely in their tents at night taking no risk at all ... Win. Israel and Lebanon are getting bombs dropped all over them ... lose. hezbollah gets totally fucked out of existence ... we all win.

- My opinion? Everyone who doesn't live in the area needs to shut the fuck up and sit the fuck down. Now, about this war against Syria, what do we have on the table and how soon can we get there?

My Life as Seen on TV

wylddaze — 2006-08-27T04:08:59-05:00

So I'm sitting here again after having been offline for almost 6 weeks with PC problems and it feels kinda weird if I may say so. I don't feel altogether at home in front of my PC anymore.

I'm supposed to be doing homework, 6 assignments that are due in two weeks and I haven't even started them. What the hell is wrong with me? I'm feeling exactly the same way I felt all those years ago in high school. I can't seem to get started and I will do almost anything to avoid starting. I actually started to prepare the vegetables and things for dinner at 12:30. I cleaned, I watched TV, I even wrote some stuff on mindsay!! What is wrong with me? It feels almost pathalogical. What am I afraid of?

On a completely unrelated topic, I want to explain something about buddhists for those who don't know. The rest of you can just talk amongst yourselves for a bit. In times of war when buddhist monks are prone to making protests they will sometimes make those protests by setting fire to themselves in public places to draw attention to their plight. This happened during the Viet-Nam war, right in front of the Whitehouse and has also happened since the Chinese invasion and occupation of Tibet.

People think that the point of this kind of protest is that the monk loses his life in a terrible and painful way. This is of course a purely subjective observation and only understands half of the event. In fact the point of the protest is two-fold. the monk douses himself with petrol and sets fire to his earthly body. The body he is destroying is just a vessel in which he travels through this life and by destroying it, he cuts short his ability to grow towards enlightenment in this life. He also does someting even more important. In taking his own life, the monk creates the worst kind of karma for himself, he is in fact sacrificing his afterlife and his next life as well.

So the apparently terrifying act of burning themselves to death in protest is in fact far more than just that. This is the ultimate passive protest. This is the act of sacrificing not just a life but also the next life and the afterlife in between.

That's a serious degree of protest.

My Life as a Hater

wylddaze — 2006-09-19T10:09:22-05:00

Things I hate number 145 and 162 # 145 - OK, todays rant is all about STUPID people. We've all seen them and we all know some. My main gripe is the drivers; People who are either too old or too stupid to be driving a car but who seem to be everywhere doing just that. Honestly, if you take five minutes to get your P.O.S. around a corner then you shouldn't be behind the wheel, you should be under one! And another thing, if you hear someone sounding their car horn at you more than twice a day, you;re a bad driver. If you hear that sound more than that you're a crap driver - get off the road! I won't even go to seeing the bird from fellow drivers more than twice a day. # 162 - This is one of the ultimate pet peeves. I hate, absolutely HATE it when people can't say the simple "S" sound that is such an important part of our language. I am not talking about those poor unfortunates who lisp, I am talking about those pretentious twats who insist that the "S" sound is in fact a "SH" sound. Don't know what I'm talking about? K, just spend 5 minutes listening to american TV. Listen for example to that over-rated coke-psycho Tyra Banks. Everything she says is " exshtreme" or "exshtraodinary". AAAAAAARRRRGHHHHH! She isn't the only one guilty of this, it's becoming the new fashion in speech impediments. I hate that!! It's a simple "S" sound you morons, use it and stop sounding like pretentious twats. Would someone please pass me some ecshtasy, I need to chill-the-fuck-out. Good night and thanks again for listening.

My Life asking 'Why'

wylddaze — 2006-09-24T07:09:19-05:00

In the 1930s a child was taken from the famous Lindburg family. The press covering the story called it a "kid-nabbbing" and this soon became the word we know today as kidnapping. The word refers to the taking of a child but has somehow become commonly used for any person being taken (usually) against their will. OK so here's the conundrum (Puzzle): why is it that when people allege they have been taken by aliens, the press call it the proper thing: An Abduction; but when an adult is taken by another human, this suddenly somehow becomes a kidnapping; even though there is no "kid" involved. I know ze answer ... it's because our journalists are crap!! I also have a question about nationality. If you were born here then don't you automatically call yourself an Australian? I was at college the other week and some of the other guys were talking aout their families. Two of them approached me and asked if I was an Aussie. I said yes and asked why they were asking; They said because they were croatian. I thought that was bit strange since they were all born here in OZ. I mean, my family are english/french/spanish and irish but I was born here so ... I'm an Aussie. So when is an Aussie ans Aussie? Next time I will tell you about my friend who has mastered the art of the hands-free orgasm. She doesn't want me to tell you but I'm going to anyway.

My Life in The Twilight Zone

wylddaze — 2006-09-30T08:09:49-05:00

Have you ever had one of those "Twilight Zone" moments when something happens that makes you wonder if the universe playing a trick on you? You know the ones, like when you're watching a movie on DVD and switch it off only to find the same movie on TV, or you turn off the CD only to find the same song on the radio. Well, I had one of them last night. I was watching Foxtel and clicked onto Starsky & Hutch. Knowing how much I really don't like that show, I changed the channel and found Angry Beavers. After five minutes I realised that it was the "Angry Beavers - Starsky & Hutch" episode. Spookaaaay. I'm still not sure if anyone wants to hear about the hands-free orgasm. Let me know ok? ,{:-)

My Life Fuull of Orgasms

wylddaze — 2006-10-07T11:10:03-05:00

Well ok then, since only one person asked, I'll tell you; but first here's a joke: The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any." The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's $50. Go and buy yourself some underwear." Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers! Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's $20.Go and buy some underwear!" Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet mother of Jebus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta afford any." The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jebus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit..." HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR And now: The Hands Free Orgasm as relayed to me by the girl who swears it works. It should be remembered however, that she is very orgasmic. 1st - sit on a hard floor with your feet drawn up so your knees are raised. The only parts of you touching the floor should be your feet (Flat on the floor), your butt and your hands (on which you are leaning). you should be leaning slightly back and with your legs drawn up about half way. 2nd - tense the muscles in your thighs and then while relaxing them, tense the muscles in your abdomen. Repeat this action, alternately tensing your thighs and abdominals until you feel your vaginal (and pelvic floor) muscles begin to sympathise. 3rd - As you continue to do this excercise, you should feel your level of arousal increasing. Continue as long as you can until you reach a climax. My friend tells me this works and results in a "gentle" orgasm and that being fit helps but isn't required. (this from a girl who does 150 crunches every morning!) So my advice is good luck to you all and remember; this only works for women ... I think ...

My Life in Comedy

wylddaze — 2006-10-12T04:10:51-05:00

Laugh you fuckers, LAUGH!!!!! Poor taste? well yes, yes it is ... and your point? Subject:Comedian Jokes from the Muslim stand-up comedian, Goffaq Yussef. Good evening, gentlemen, and get out, ladies. On my flight to New York there must have been an Israeli in the bathroom the entire time. There was a sign on the door that said "occupied." What do you say to a Muslim woman with two black eyes? Nothing, you told her twice already !! How many Palestinians does it take to change a light bulb? None ! They sit in the dark forever and blame the Jews for it! Did you hear about the Broadway play, "The Palestinians"? It bombed! What do you call a first-time offender in Saudi Arabia? Lefty! Did you hear about the Muslim strip club? It features full facial nudity! Why do Palestinians find it convenient to live on the West Bank? Because it's just a stone's throw from Israel! Why are Palestinian boys luckier than American boys? Because every Palestinian boy will get to join a rock group! A Palestinian suspect was being grilled by Israeli police. "Honest, I'm not a suicide bomber," he said. "I didn't say I wanted to blow myself up so I could sleep with 72 virgins. All I said was I am dying to get laid !" What does the sign say above the nursery in a Palestinian maternity ward? "Live Ammunition." Heard of a Palestinian girl says to her mommy: "After Abdul blows himself up can I have his room ? Thank you, thank yo !!! My name is Goffaq Yussef.( say it out loud .... ). The contents of this e-transmission have been checked by our soell-checker micro-chimp and the security has been checked and is guarranteed by our antivirus micro-chimp. The value of these checks is of the highest rating as we only use the very latest computer chimps. .

My Life in a Loop in a Loop in a Loop

wylddaze — 2006-10-15T06:10:52-05:00

Strange how life will keep teaching you a lesson untill you get the point and start to behave differently. Life has been trying to teach me a lesson in self sufficiency and humility for some years now and yesterday I finally got the point and changed my behaviour. Every decision I have ever made has, by my parents standards, been the wrong one. Every time I make a decision it reinforces their belief that I'm a little slow. Take for example my choice of cars. I always buy old cars that have a lot of character and are unique and special. For the most part the cars I've bought have been the kind that, when they were new, would have been out of my price range. The result of this peculiar taste in autos is that they often "fail to proceed", sometimes at the worst possible moment. It seems that while I do spend some money maintaining them, my cars tend to be, let's say somewhat temperamental. Of course this means that it sometimes happens that my car won't start from my parents front lawn and that simply reinforces their opinion of me. Usually, I end up swallowing my pride and facing humility by borrowing one of their cars (they always buy very reliable cars)untill I can get mine repaired. This time however, things were different. I am not a proud man, in fact I don't believe that pride has any real purpose unless you feel the need to actually kill a bear and you need to brim-full of confidence. I now think I may have been wrong all these years and that I need to install pride 1.0 in order to proceed to the next level of my life. Yesterday, when my beautiful old Mercedes died on the front lawn of my parents house, I refused their offer of a car and would only accept (under duress) a lift home. Then I took taxis to work and back home. This morning I went to the parents' house and would you believe it, the car started on the very first turn of the key! I find I now have a modicum of pride and feel that my choices in life are justified, not by any standards but my own. I make my choices based on my needs and tastes and I often make the 'unsafe' one. I like art deco and I like old cars. I like my choices and I feel no need to justify them to anyone or to feel that I am any less able to make proper ones for my life. I simply am not always conservative. I must add that I feel better about myself today than I have for a loooong time. Lesson learned, thank you.

My Life - Fast

wylddaze — 2006-10-16T01:10:48-05:00

MMMMMMMM - my new bike : www.zx14ninja.com maybe.

My Life Against Evil

wylddaze — 2006-10-23T06:10:42-05:00

Some of you are going to hate me for this blog but I don't care. It needs to be said and you need to hear it. Prepare y'selves! THE CURSE OF ABRAHAM: The three main religions of the middle east are all the products of the original words of Abraham. The word of Abraham became the religion of the Israelites (or Jews). This was the pre-cursor to the Christian evolution of the Jewish faith which came about when the "Prophet" Jesus of Nazareth stepped forward to present a new style of faith as the "son of man". Then The "Prophet" Mohammed came forward with what he said were the words of the holy spirit of the lord. So there we are; the father of all the religions of the region, the son of the fathers' religion and the spirit of the father of all the religions. I am here to tell you people, that all three are evil and must be erradicated!! These three religious institutions are the cause of more death and misery than all the plagues of history combined. In the name of Zion, Christianity and Islam people have rained death and destruction over each other since the very day they were invented. I say invented because these "religions" are the products of the minds of men. Men whose only aim was to gain power over others and influence over their lives. Religion is about power, not faith; it is about control and influence. The reason these religions are predominantly managed by men is because they are designed by men to empower the few over the many. They are hierarchical and patriarchal, the products of misogynist minds. Would the almighty really omnly trust his message to us to a few men? Wouldn't the almighty have left notes for us all, in every nook and cranny? These three "religions" must be stamped out wherever they appear. Formalised religion is evil and is an expression of the anal-retentive control of the population at large, through fear and the threat of eternal damnation. The only thing these "faiths" produce is mass hysteria and a guilt-obsession that pervades almost all corners of the lives of the populations of many lands. Wars are fought on the name of "loving" gods of "forgiveness". I have seen war and there is no godliness there. Do not let others dictate your relationship with god, do it yourselves!! You can find your own path to god by simple reflection and observation of the world around you. You do not need priests, imams and whatever else to find the words of the almighty, they're are printed on everything around you. Everything living and dead has the thumbprint of the maker on it. You only need to look to find the message and you don't need any so called "holy" men (or witch-doctors as I call 'em) to do it for you. NO FASTING REQUIRED - GUILT FREE FAITH! Cast out these evil men and let their empty words die in the winds of enlightenment! Do not fear damnation, but trust in the infinite goodness of the creator of all things to love and protect you, even in your ignorance as you stumble through life. Have faith in the real creator and that faith will be rewarded with open eyes and an open heart. Soooooo anyway, that's my 2 shekels worth.

My Life as a Failure

wylddaze — 2006-10-26T07:10:16-05:00

I am the black hole of success. I can't succeed at anything. People around me fail. Machines around me break down. Electrical things around me stop working. I am the super-gravity event-horizon where the world stops and infinty begins. Why am I still here in this meaningless life? Why can't I just die and stop using up oxygen and food? I just keep living, useless, wasting good food and air that someone really important and useful could have. I want to crawl into a hole, curl up in a ball and just stop. I just want to stop. I want to end.

My Life with friends

wylddaze — 2006-10-28T06:10:40-05:00

Who knew I had friends!? Thanks y'all. xxxxxxxxx

My Life Post Mortem

wylddaze — 2006-11-02T05:11:29-05:00

Post Mortem Tumescence - the most enormous erection you'll ever have, the last erection you'll ever have and sadly, the most useless erection you'll ever have.

My Life Psychotic

wylddaze — 2006-11-07T07:11:23-05:00

So a good friend of mine has raised the issue of the macabre in us. Why do we slow down to look at car accidents? Why do we like to hear about the gorey details of the crimes scene? Why do we watch murder mysteries? What is it in all of us that seeks out the gorey and ghoulish and why do we need it? Why are books about serial killers best sellers? What is it about sick minds that we find so appealing? Why do we watch movies that logically, should offend our sensibilities? Do we still have blood-lust?

Psychologists say it's because we no longer have natural enemies to run away from. That we are looking for that fear factor we have been missing for so many years. It's the same reason we ride roller-coasters and bungie jump, ride motorcycles and listen to G.Dubya, we need the thrill of possible death.

I think it's because we are acknowledging that we have a primal, bestial instinct inside us. We actually like the sight of blood, it stirs up our primal inner-beast. We are curious about why serial killers do what they do because in fact we are all a little curious about doing it too. We like the idea that we might be capable of doing terrible, bizarre things like them. Just look at the recent past; look at the actions of those who have been in positions of power and for whom the possibilty of capture was remote. Look at the the likes of the Kmher Rouge in Kampuchea or the Serbian Army in Bosnia. Look at the deeds of the rulers in certain African nations. We need not go all the way back to the 1940s to find excellent examples.

People when left to their own devices are cruel and bestial. In fact that insults beasts, as few of them are capable of the kind of cruelty we can inflict. Humans like to hurt things, we like to see things bleed and we like to feel powerful because of it.

I say we shouldn't revile that dark and hideous creature inside us, we should instead rejoice in the fact we still own that part of our dark past. We should celebrate our inner beasts and learn to apply their force in our daily lives. By that I don't mean that we should go about killing and maiming, just that we should learn to feel the strength it gives us and the confidence that our beasts can fill us with. It would make us all better people if we were less afraid and more able to face the world and each other with strength and confidence.

Or ... maybe that's just me.

My Life as Treasurer

wylddaze — 2006-11-09T03:11:18-05:00

So we saw on the Tv today that the treasurer - Peter Costello is relieved that asbestosis victims are finally going to get their compensation payouts. The story goes like this:

Many years ago a company called "Hardys" mined asbestos. The workers weren't made to wear protection from this dangerous substance and so many of them ended up with mesothelioma - a disease of the lungs which results in terminal cancer.

Ten years ago this group of miners took the company to court to get compensation for their deaths. Many of them have since died but a few remain and they have won the case. The company has agreed on the amount and have agreed to pay. The only condition is that the government not tax the payouts.

The government has fought for ten months to be allowed to tax those payouts and finally today they relented and allowed the company to pay the compensation tax-free. Thank goodness there's an election coming up. This means of course that the miners get more money.

The treasurer Peter Costello, said on the news that he was glad to see this has been settled and that his only regret is: That has taken so long!

HYPOCRITE!!!!!

The tax office is the only reason it has taken so long! This could have been settled a year ago if the tax office had simply agreed that it was the humanitarian thing to do. This is just another example of how politicians bullshit us and spin every situation to their advantage.

IN another example of how we are losing our freedoms in this country: Two weeks after the government (quietly) passed new media control laws, the most outspoken opponents of the government on our televisions; "The Glass House" has this week, been cancelled. No reason was given but since they were televised on the government station (The Australian Broadcasting Corporation) it isn't hard to join the dots.

We are heading toward a totalitarian state in oZ and it isn't being forced upon us, we are simply letting it happen.

God help us all.

My Life Laughing

wylddaze — 2006-11-12T07:11:20-05:00

Today, we are going to have a giggle - we need it don't we?

So this guy walks into a bar and sees in the corner two guys who look just like G.W. and Don Rumsfeld.

He asks the barman if that's really them and the barman says:

"sure, they always come in here to do their planning."

The guy walk over to them and introduces himself and says it's a real pleasure to meet them both and asks what they're doing.

Don replies:

" we're planning World War Three."

The guy asks what the plan is and G.Dubya replies:

"Well, we're gonna kill 140 million muslims and one bonde with big tits."

The guy is horrified and asks:

"Why the hell would you kill the blonde with big tits?"

G.Dubya turns to Rumsfeld and says:

"See Don, I told you no one would care about the muslims."

And now some images of body painting:

My Life in Plurals

wylddaze — 2006-11-14T02:11:22-05:00

Thanks to:

http://www.askoxford.com/asktheexperts/faq/aboutgrammar/plurals?view=uk

I can finally answer the question that has plagued me since high school!

English words of Latin or Greek origin have rather unpredictable plurals, and each one usually depends on how well established that particular word is. It may also depend on whether the Latin or Greek form of the plural is either easily recognizable or pleasant to the speaker of English.
Although it is often supposed that octopi is the 'correct' plural of octopus, and it has been in use for longer than the usual Anglicized plural octopuses, it in fact originates as an error. Octopus is not a simple Latin word of the second declension, but a Latinized form of the Greek word oktopous, and its 'correct' plural would logically be octopodes.
Other words ending in -us show a very varied pattern. Like octopi, the plural hippopotami is now generally taken to be either funny or absurdly pedantic, and the usual plural is hippopotamuses. Common usage appears to indicate a slight preference for termini rather than terminuses, but syllabuses rather than syllabi. Other usual forms include cacti and gladioli, and our files at the dictionary department show scarcely any examples of nucleuses or funguses. (Omnibi is simply a joke, and quite ungrammatical in Latin!)
Among words ending in -um it seems worth drawing attention to the word curricula, plural of curriculum, and warning against confusion with the adjective curricular (as in extra-curricular).

Of course I am still going to use Syllabi and Virii as well as Hippopotami and Platypi.

On another note; I saw two schoolgirls today that were smoking. In the olden times when I was a teen, that looked hot but now, with all the education and with everyting we know about smoking, they just looked cheap and stupid. Not to mention that they smelled like a couple of $5 whores. You'd think people would avoid starting, given what we know now. Maybe it's just the human condition.

Meh.

My Life in Prayer

wylddaze — 2006-11-17T05:11:33-05:00

Things I saw this week:

I saw something you don't often see in this country the other day. I was walking to the local shops (as is my wont) and I saw a fellow standing in the park, looking down at his shopping bag. I was puzzled by this behaviour and stopped to watch. I seemed to me he was looking down and then he would kneel for a minute and then stand again.

I realised - the guy was praying! I haven't seen a muslim pray in a public place since I lived in Cairo and it was a bit of a surprise. I know that in a Sydney suburb, the islamic community tried too have their "call to prayer" issued from the local mosque. The result was that the council not only disallowed it, they then also had to disallow the catholic church in the same area, ringing their church bells on Sundays!

Another thing I saw was yesterday on the way home from work. I saw a Magpie swoop across from the other side of a four lane road. It crossed the road on the other side and flew between two trees in the median and then right across in front of my car, about half a metre off the road. It was flying really fast. Then it smashed into the rear wheel of the car mext to me! There was an explosion of feathers and the bird was gone. Sad but somehow very funny as well.

Today I saw something I really liked. Again, it was on one of my long walks. These two older people were walking together holding hands. The real beauty of this was that they were quite elderly and obviously had some trouble keeping pace with each other. They were making a real effort to hold each other's hand and I had a smile on my face as I passed them and nodded my acknowledgment. I realised also that I will never be like them, I will never have that but I don't mind really.

So those are the things I saw this week that I thought I would share.

,{:-)

My Life Pissed OFF

wylddaze — 2006-11-18T01:11:11-05:00

Now I am officially Pissed OFF! OK, this entire entire reeks of puns intended, so just get it over with now OK?

I'm pissed off because political correctness has gone just too far. You've no doubt seen the mouth-shaped urinals on the net? Well Virgin Atlantic decided to install some of these in the airport lounge at JFK. Of course you would expect some uptight wankers to complain, there's always the small number of people with absolutely no sense of humour, who insist on using the tiny amount of power they have to spoil everyone's enjoyment. I HATE WANKERS!!! this is the article in question:

Monday, March 22, 2004

That's not a mouth-shaped urinal, it's a *travesty*
Some people do not care for the big-fat-red-kiss-mouth-shaped pissoires recently installed in Virgin Atlantic's JFK clubhouse. Here is the National Organization of Women press release: Outrageous Interruptus / Sexist Urinals. I'm a pro-fempower woman, and I'm all for calling misogyny when we see it -- but I think NOW needs to unclench its collective sphincter.

UPDATE: BoingBoing reader Jonathan Guberman says, "My cousin sent me an article about the outrageous Virgin mouth-shaped urinals, and a link to complain to Virgin about it. Virgin has responded with the following, a very prompt and polite response. Good for them!"
(Begin forwarded message:) We are, of course very sorry to hear of your concerns with the design of the urinals that were to be fitted in our clubhouse at JFK airport. We can assure you that no offense was ever intended. The urinals were intended to be one of the more fun and quirky features of the new JFK Clubhouse, a project overseen by Virgin's in-house design team led by two female designers. The urinals themselves were the idea of a female designer, and we were surprised by the public reaction.
However, Virgin Atlantic always aims to listen to our passengers and the general public, and as a result of the feedback we have received we will not install the urinals in the bathroom at our new JFK clubhouse. We trust our swift action will help restore your confidence in our company and thank you for taking the time to contact us. We appreciate your direct approach.
Yours sincerely,
John Riordan
Vice President, Customer Services

Well John Riordan - Vice President of Customer Cervixes, may I suggest you grow some balls and stand up for what Sir Richard Branson represents. A little radical entrepreneurialism would go a long way to making the PC among us, sit down and shut the fuck up. I for one, am going to install these very items in my bar if I can find them.

And that is all I have to say about that.

My Iife in Legalese

wylddaze — 2006-11-21T08:11:49-05:00

An ordinary citizen would say: ‘I give you this orange’

A lawyer would say:

‘I hereby give, grant and convey to you and to all your heirs and assigns all my interest, rights, title and claims of and in this said ‘orange’ - together with all its rind, skin, juice, pulp and pits and seeds and all right and advantages therein with full power to bite, cut, suck or otherwise eat, consume or cause to be used, the ‘orange’ or to transfer, assign or dispose to any third party the said ‘orange’ with or without it’s rind, skin, juice pulp,seeds or pits, together with any rights which might arise as a consequence of said orange; subject to any amendments subsequently drawn up or introduced to this agreement.

And that folks, is why you pay a lawyer $500 an hour to keep your affairs in order.

Have a nice day -

by which I do not condone any illegal, unlawful or immoral activity that might be construed to have been inferred by the previous statement in order to convey in any sense, legal or otherwise the right or obligation of the receiver of the greeting (or any other party who may have heard the greeting) to ensure that they should be obligated or enjoined to consequently partake in or of to any extent a day that might be good, joyous or in anyother way 'good' with the expressed consent of all involved in the aforementioned "day".

My Life - Heteroshamed

wylddaze — 2006-11-23T02:11:38-05:00

OK, this was stolen from pussypatter and slightly modified. I don't want to offend P.P. and this isn't meant to be an admonishment against her, I simply wanted to make the point that the article she was quoting might be a poignant stab at common misconseptions that she might have missed. Please read on:

More disgusting news about Heterosexuals!

"New York Post Exposes High Rate Of Teacher/Student Molestations"

In a story not widely publicised in the mainstream press, the New York Post published a story in its July 30, 2001 edition about the secret epidemic of homosexual child abuse cases that go unreported in New York City’s public schools.



The report noted that out of the 117 cases, 212 children were victims. In 45% of the cases, the sex offender attacked more than one student. In nearly 16% of the cases, school officials delayed or tried to cover up the sexual molestations.

The average victim is a 15-year-old girl and 75% of the victims were girls. According to the report, “Nearly 80 percent of the offenders are heterosexuals and in most of these cases, the attack led to a sexual relationship with the student.”

The report also discovered that the Board of Education investigated another 347 substantiated sex abuse cases between January 2000 and July 20, 2001. Adding the 117 cases with the 327, it appears that at least one child is sexually abused each day by a school employee—and 80% of these molestations against children are done by heterosexuals!

OK, so that's the news article. My questions are:

1- Why would a victim of sex attack start a relationship with their attacker?

2- Does this mean that we should only employ gay teachers?

You thoughts folks?



My List as a Quiz

wylddaze — 2006-11-26T05:11:09-05:00

I STOLE THIS - many thanks to Ikissgaypeople

1. YOUR REAL NAME: Bond, James Bond.

2.YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (use fav ice cream flavor and favorite cookie)  Mocha-Kiss

3. YOUR "FLY Guy/Girl" NAME: (use first initial of first name and first three of your last) C-Dem

4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME (use fav color and fav animal) Yellow-Dragon ( is this supposed to be a chinese detecetive?)

5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (use middle name andtown where you were born): Anthony Canberra ( Fuck, that actually sounds OK!)

6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (Use the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name and first 3 letters of mom's maiden name)  Dem-Ch'Duc (WOW, that really is starwarsy)

7. SUPERHERO NAME: (use 2nd favorite color and favorite drink ) Fuscia-Beam. (Bahahahahahahaha)

8. IRAQI NAME: (use 2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, 1st letter of your middle name, 2nd letter of your moms maiden name, 3rd letter of you dads middle name, 1st letter of a siblings first name and last letter of your moms middle name) H'mautls (WTF?)

9. STRIPPER NAME: (the name of your favorite perfume/cologne) Bvlgari Black

10.WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother & father's middle name) Frances Patrick

My Life - Amazed

wylddaze — 2006-11-28T08:11:42-05:00

Kid Rock: Wanker or stone-cold genius?

Here's this demi-talent musician who managed to score a gig as hubby of the goddess we know as Pammy Anderson. He gets all the goodies and even manages to look like he has a clue for a while and then ... he blows it!

If you've seen the movie "Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan." then you'll know that Pammy "The Goddess" Anderson is in it. She played her part quite well I thought and was very funny. Ms Anderson has a great sense of humour and a very professional sense of comic timing. I've seen her TV shows and I like her work. She brought something positive to this movie.

The same cannot be said of her hubby. "Kid" (what kind of a name is that anyway?) apparently got very upset when he saw the movie and accused his lovely wife (Pam - I only dream of a woman like that - Anderson) of portraying herself as a slut and a dumb blonde. This argument escalated and things were said that couldn't then be unsaid and before you know it, Goddess Pammy has moved out and is divorcing the "wanna be cowboy" Rock.

Gentlemen, take note. This is what happens when you don't support your wife's efforts and talent. This might be even more true if you don't have a clue what talent is.

Seriously, if I was her husband, I'd be grateful everyday just to hear her yell at me.

,{:-)

Ma Vie Politique

wylddaze — 2006-12-01T08:12:06-05:00

Why can't the Australian Labour Party get elected? Is it because we all love the Liberal party so much? Is it because we all love John Howard so much? Is it because we like being suppressed as a society?

- NO.

It's because they don't deserve to get elected. They make politicaly stupid decisions and they put no-hopers in charge! The Liberal party must be laughing all the way to the elections. They have taken us into an unpopular war, disempowered the workers of the nation, all but destroyed the union movement and returned the Ozy family to the 1950s in terms of their family values. They have mutilated the democratic system, legislated away freedoms and turned this country into a fearful little nation run by suppressed little men who are afraid of every shadow that might imply freedom of speech or any trace of radical expressionism.

And yet ... they are almost guarranteed to win the next election because the only opposition they have - The Australian Labour Party - can't get it's act together long enough to elect a decent leader. They have capable women, capable men and enough diverse social representation to easily win the next election but no, they choose instead to elect Kevin Rudd as the new leader.

The current leader Kim Beazley, has the personality of a glass of water. He looks insincere even when you know he isn't and let's be honest, no likes the look of him. People don't vote for unattractive people, it's sad but it's also true. Even John Howard had to trim his eye-brows once they became an obvious fire hazard.

Kevin Rudd? Really? That's the best you can come up with? What about Julia Gillard? She would win you the next election without even trying. She would have to come out of the closet as a die-hard Nazi before she could lose. You could even pick a perfect stranger over Kevin and still win. Kevin may be a good politician but he has even less personality than Kim!

This is what happens when you let old men rule too long. They make decisions that are out of date, out of touch and frankly out of steam. The Australian Labour Party is digging an ever deeper grave for itself and sadly, that leaves us with the iron fist of Liberal/Country party repression up the collective Australian Arse.

On a related topic, I must report the death of free speech in Australia this week. A few weeks ago I reported the passing of a law that effectively restricted free speech in Oz. The law says basically that no one can print or broadcast anything which is politically biased unless they also balance it with an opposing viewpoint. Makes you wonder how they're going to advertise themselves in the next election campaign really doesn't it? This week we saw the last episode on television of The Glass House. The most irreverent and politically biased show on telly has left us in the cold, dark room of political oppresssion. You may not notice it yet folks but the lights of our democracy are being extinguished, one at a time.

Zeig Heil!

My Life - Singing.

wylddaze — 2006-12-02T10:12:52-05:00

SING IT GIRLS!!!

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
When you said you had 10 inches, Lord I almost died!
But I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long,
That I grew strong, And I knew that I could take you on...
But there you are, another lie,
I was ready for a Big Mac and you've brought me a French Fry!
I should have known that it was bullshit, just a sad pathetic dream
Should have known there was no Anaconda lurking in those jeans!

Go on now - go! Walk out the door,
Don't you promise me 10 inches, then turn up with only 4!
Weren't you a brat to think I wouldn't find you out!?
Don't you know we're only joking when we say size don't count??!!

[Chorus]

I will survive! I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My sex life's gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex,
with a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!

It took all my self control not to laugh out loud,
When I saw your little weiner standing tall and proud!
But to hell with your ego and to hell with all your needs,
Now I'm saving all my lovin' for a cordless multispeed!

[Chorus]
I will survive! I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My sex life's gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex,
With a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!

My Life - Scared

wylddaze — 2006-12-07T02:12:17-05:00

OK, so I reads in the news today that glamour model Jordan and husband Peter Andre are having a baby. Does it bother anyone else that the really looking people are having bambini? I mean isn't it bad enough for the ordinary people that the really beautiful people exist at all? Why do the gentically inferior have to bear the pressure of having babies with their 'plain' genes when they see the 'beautiful' people (already streets ahead in life's game) freely flaunting their prowess, by passing their superior genetic material on?

Life can be so unfair.

My Life at Christmas

wylddaze — 2006-12-09T04:12:19-05:00

CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE DISTURBED

1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look a chicken! Can I have a chocolate? Why is France so far away?

10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder -- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells

My Life at War

wylddaze — 2006-12-10T04:12:53-05:00

I am happy to make the following report:

In (or about) 1974 Richard Nixon declared the War on Drugs. At (or about) the same time, I declared the war on sobriety.

Over the last 32 years I am happy to report that I am winning.

Hip, Hip, HUZZAH!

Hip, Hip, HUZZAH!

Hip, Hip, HUZZAH!

Where's my bong? Did you take my bong? What d'you mean I'm paranoid? You took it din' you? G'it back ya bastard!

My Life - Meh.

wylddaze — 2006-12-11T03:12:45-05:00

How do I describe today? Well, let's go on a magical journey shall we? Last month and the month before, I had a lot of trouble paying off my 'phone bills. This is mainly because they were too high and I don't have enough to pay them all at once. This is the result of me talking too much; I accept that.

So I called Telstra (as you do) and arranged to pay the bills off. So far so good? You would think so wouldn't you? Today, with one payment left they cut off my mobile phone. They tell me this is because I took too long to pay it. Even though I have always paid my bills and even though I have been a loyal customer for 20 years.

But I can accept this. I took too long to pay it off this time. I have had two very large bills (because I talk too much) and I took too long to pay - fair enough I say.

But here is where I get the shits with them. The credit agent went to her boss to ask if she could at least give me incoming calls. Her generous nature and great customer service were completely overshadowed by her boss, who is an arsehole. No, he/she says, they cannot even let me have incoming calls. This is the Christmas period, I need to have some contact with people sending me good tidings but no, not even incoming calls, which cost me nothing and which cost Telstra nothing. That's just mean-spirited.

After 20 years-odd I am now going to a competitor to see if they can do me a deal.

Just to show me that the universe doesn't hate me, I then won 50 shekels on Lotto at the newsagents on the way home.

YAAAAAAAAAAAAY FOR THE WOOTINESS OF THE UNIVERSE !!!!!!

BOOOOOO TELSTRA.

My Life at the Crossing in the Road

wylddaze — 2006-12-19T05:12:06-05:00

So in this the festive season, I bring you news of a strange and somewhat unbelievable event in my country. It is another example of Political Correctness gone too far.

I read in the papers this week that a council in Sydney is going to install new pedestrian crossing signals at a cost of about a thousand dollars a piece. The reason? Because the local Orthodox Jewish community have troubles on a Friday night going to the synagogue. You see Orthodox Jews are unable (by religious law) to use any kind of device or machine over the sabbath. This means that in order for them to cross the road on the way to the synagogue on a Friday night, they have to cross in traffic. In Sydney, that's a dangerous thing to do at anytime.

To make matters worse, if they know where the device is and then put themselves near it, the holy ones are considered to be using it, so the council has to hide the devices on or about the crossing lights.

The problems I have with this are just too numerous to mention them all so I'll just stick with the main ones shall I? First up is my objection to making allowances for minority religious groups. If you can't cross the road then stay at home, because frankly you don't deserve to live in the modern world where we have traffic and roads etc. It's like the muslims wanting to have their call to prayer 5 times a day. NO! Nobody wants to hear some tone-deaf singer yell his lungs out 5 times a day over the city. Then there's my whole objection to religious factions making the rest of us follow their lead. Screw you! If you want to cross the road, them cross it; Do you really think god cares? Do you honestly think god gives a flying crap if you press a fucking button? HE CREATED AN ENTIRE FUCKING UNIVERSE!!

Of course there is the other problem: if you go to a pedestrian crossing that you know uses a secret device to change the signal then you're still using it stupid!

In case anyone thinks I'm anti-jewish, you're right - I am. I am also anti-muslim and anti-christian so if that bothers you, please feel free to bite my hairy little butt.

That is all, have a nice day won't you.

My Life Drinking Egg-Nog

wylddaze — 2006-12-25T12:12:39-05:00

So I wanted to blogg about the new James Bond film and all stuff of that sort but meh ... it's Christmas and although I'm not a christian ...

A MERRY PHUCKING CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL.

My Life Heading for 2007

wylddaze — 2006-12-30T02:12:19-05:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE !!

,{:-)

My Life at the Movies

wylddaze — 2007-01-05T05:01:20-05:00

Ah so the new year is here, let's start out with a positive blog shall we? 'Start as we mean to continue' I say.

Recently I have seen a couple of movies that I hadn't caught when they first came to the theatres. One of these was Pirates of the Carribean - Dead man's Chest I have to add at this point that I have seen many of El-Depp's films and I love his work. He really gets the character to live on the screen for you. I love his "Captain Jack Sparrow", he's faultless. I was quite surprised by Bill Nihy as "Davy Jones". I have seen this man act in many varied roles from a very eerie Vampyre to a Down-on-his-luck ex rock star and he is always good but I think he stole this movie. His depiction of the evil-but-kinda-funny Davy Jones, is impeccable, he gave the sour tempered sea-monster a real sense of humour which was right in keeping with what you would expect the character to have. Even the little affectations were superbly executed. His snorts and whistles and apparently blocked up nose were both clever and judicial. He could so easily have gone overboard with it -if you'll pardon the pun- but didn't. I was very surprised though that the movie going religious right didn't seem to notice the very thick homo-erotic storyline! I would have expected an uproar about this tale of a man stealing another man's heart but there wasn't a peep out of them. Either they don't go to the movies much anymore or they just aren't that smart I guess.

Then there was the film I saw at the theatre - James Bond - Casino Royale. Well what can I say? So many people said this guy Daniel Craig will never be able to pull off this character that I was skeptical myself ... until I walked into the theatre. I've seen his work before, including a role in the american film The Jacket - a movie I also liked a lot. In fact I've seen Craig in several films and always liked the intensity of his characters; he really lets the character play as-written and evolve in front of you. This "Bond" film is different though for more reasons than just the new guy in lead role. This is a whole new type of spy, a reall and very physical looking one. This is how a spy should be, terrifying and very dangerous in the way he approaches his business. You can honestly believe this man could evolve into the character Sean Connery played so well for so long. to be honest, this is the James Bond I've been waiting for - a very real, very believable 21st century spy. This is how "James Bond" should be played.

My Life working With The Dead

wylddaze — 2007-01-09T05:01:30-05:00

A funny thing happened at the office the other day. I work in a secure area; To gain access one needs the appropriate swipe cards and codes and there are steel doors and cameras to pass. It's all very cloak and dagger and we call it "The Vault". There must be at least one person in the room at all times and the incoming lines must always be answered within 30 seconds.

We monitor alarm systems in various places and respond accordingly. The guy who worked the shift before me the other night died. No one knew for some time as it was towards the end of his shift and the place was pretty quiet. He was lying there dead, his last moments caught on video, for some time and the first I knew was when I walked in to start my shift - after his. I wasn't the one who found him (thankfully).

It's an odd feeling to sit in a chair, at a monitor and put your hand on the controls that were last used by a dead man just a few hours ago. It's even more odd when you start at midnight as I do and spend the next 8 hours in that room, alone and in the quietness. I turned to TV up quite a bit, not because I was scared but to take my mind off it. No, I wasn't scared, not scared at all.

I have thought about this and have decided that dying isn't a word. Death is the absence of life not the opposite of it. You are never in the act of 'dying'. You are either living or you're dead. While you're still alive you're living, even if it is at a reduced capacity, you're still living. You never start to die or to begin dying, you simply die when you stop living.

When I walked out of the Vault in the early sunlight, I saw his car there, parked just where he had left it. He had driven to work that night like any other night but was never going to drive again. He will never need that car again.

His name was Ken and I barely knew him.

My Life without A Heart

wylddaze — 2007-01-14T05:01:42-05:00

I have that sick feeling again. You know the one, it happens when your lover (who told you 2 days ago that she loves you deeply) tells you she's now leaving you.

It happens because when you hear that phrase - "I'm leaving you, it's over" or anything like it, you immediately have a life-or-death moment. It starts way back in your Limbic brain, you sense fear and then you face rejection. It's the same feeling you get when you throw your spear and miss the buffalo. A sick, empty feeling in your gut that tells you something really bad is happening.

The problem is that in relationships, it can go on for days or even months and it doesn't seem to get better. It's there because you have been rejected and that means you aren't good enough. You have failed and will probably be eaten by wild animals.

I should have stayed single, I should have known better, I should be OK soon.

Shoulda, woulda, coulda - didn't.

Pass me a scalpel please nurse, I need to cut out my heart.

My Life - Bizarre

wylddaze — 2007-01-17T03:01:14-05:00

Strangely, sometimes when you think a thing is one way, you can be totally wrong and the person on the other end of your relationship can surprise the hell out of you.

The lesson I came away with this week is: to be authentic. You know those times when you are at a point in your relationship when you think you can't get past a problem? You try to do what you think is the right thing by the other person. In other words you try to do what you believe will benefit the other person, the 'noble' thing. Well I did that and it caused quite the stir. I ended up doing what I thought was right but which wasn't what I wanted to do at all.

Every fibre of my being was saying one thing and my (alleged) brain was telling me to do something else. Well kids, don't listen to the brain!! Be real in your relationships and tell your partner what you really feel. Sometimes they just want to be told that you want them and need them and that you really do get jealous and insecure sometimes.

I've always thought that jealousy was a sign of insecurity and weakness so I avoided it. Certainly I wouldn't tell someone I was jealous, I would simply walk away. Not any longer. Yes, I might be a little insecure and yes I do get (a little) jealous. From now on I am going to be real in my relationships and give an authentic representation of my feelings. My partner deserves that I think.

My Life Observing the Chimps.

wylddaze — 2007-01-18T03:01:11-05:00

I've recently become aware of a fascinating thing. People have only ever learned to do one thing really well: burn stuff. Since humans discovered fire technology all they have done is learn to burn things in different ways. It's what our entire civilisation has always been based on.

Think about it; we burned wood at first and then coal and then nuclear rods and petroleum products. We burn stuff! It's what we do, it's what we're all about. We have done it for so long that we have started to hurt the very planet that supports us and if we don't stop we'll destroy it all. What happens when we run out of things to burn? The planet will breathe a sigh of relief but we'll have to learn to create digital fire (electricty) in some other way.

,{:-)

My Life Bitten in The Arse.

wylddaze — 2007-01-19T02:01:17-05:00

And then, just when you think everything is fine - it happens. The problem you thought was gone returns and bites you in the arse.

"That which doesn't kill you will probably circle back and try again."

My life - ROBBED!

wylddaze — 2007-01-21T03:01:31-05:00

It doesn't take much to deter a burglar, just a locked screen door and some window locks are usually enough. Burglars are by and large not the brightest people on the planet. IN fact they are usually a little dim (otherwise they would get real jobs) and mostly addicted to one drug or another.

They are also lazy for the most part and looking for an easy hit. Some silly robber-types tried to break into my house the other night. They had obviously seen me leave for work at 23:30 and thought the house was empty. It was not. My (almost 19y.o.) son was at home, lying in bed reading horror stories at the time and heard some voices outside his bedroom window. The idiots then tried to open the screen door and were unable to.

To his credit and my horror, my young son grabbed the biggest knife he could find, leapt out of the back door in his PJs turning on the light as he went and started shouting at them to "fuck off!"

I wouldn't have done that myself and I'm proud that he has the guts to do it but it still scares the bejesus out of me that he did it.

We are posting a sign on the gate:

" trespassers will be composted"

My Life on Leave

wylddaze — 2007-01-27T12:01:59-05:00

So a couple of weeks ago I got all fired up to go on a road trip. The group I was going with went from 5 people to 4 people to 3 people to .. me. I was plan-ready and had the cash but then I was left standing at the altar. I felt so alone, so abandoned.

Undeterred, I made further plans, I am not one to let an opportunity get past me so easily and when I get set to do something I find it hard to let go. It's a bit like a soccer game or "coitus interruptus" one feels all dressed up with no where to go, as if someone should be scoring but isn't. I continued to plan and found a gap in the work load and took it. I went to Brisbane for a two day holiday!!

They say change is as good as an holiday but I'm not so sure. Unlike sex, I don't think it's the size that counts in holidays. A two day break in a new a different place can be just as much fun and just as relaxing as a two week trip. I hired a tiny, tiny car and drove in a strange city, I went to see my grandma and visit for an afternoon with her. It was a good little break, a micro-vacation if you will.

I recommend to everyone that a short, inexpensive trip away is just the ticket to get your life in order. I travelled on Virgin Blue. What can you say about Virgin Blue ... they're cheap and ... no, that's about it, they're cheap. I really miss the days when I travelled cheaply on the airline I worked for. I also miss the days when flight attendants didn't offer that particularly condescending grin that says:

" I know I'm better than you deserve and you'll never be more to me than just another bloody passenger but I'm going to pretend to respect you for the next couple of hours 'cos they pay me to. Do I have great tits or what?"

Whatever happened to the professional airline staff who actually did care and who actually knew what they were doing? VB didn't even bother to tell us our return flight was delayed untill it had been on the display board for 20 minutes and then had the audacity to tell me: "I'm sorry we haven't made any announcements about the delay, we've only just found out"

Anyway at least they're cheap and let's face it you get what you pays for. Speaking of which, I hired a KIA Rio for the day. Well ... it was cheap. The best I can say about it is that it travelled 320 klms on 1/2 a tank of fuel and that amounted to 20 litres!! I'm, looking at my Mercedes with a new aspect entirely. Mind you the ride was no where near the same.

So there you have it .. my life again. Take it, buy it and enjoy the read.

My Life Older but no Wiser

wylddaze — 2007-02-01T02:02:31-05:00

OK so how old is too old? How young is too young?

Yesterday I had lunch with an old friend. I don't mean that she's old, only that I've known her for a long time. "Me know you looong time". She told me of her new lover, a man twenty years her senior. She is evidently very much in love with him, it lights her up to talk about him. I was very happy to see her so happy as she has had some miserable experiences with the opposite sex (not me of course, she looooved me. )

She mentioned that she has had some resistance from her family though not from her friends and it got me to wondering. I have no issues with older/younger relationships, goodness knows I've dated girls waaaaaay younger than me. I wonder what other people think about such things? Do you have any problems with relationships that involve age gaps of 5, 10 or even 20 years? What about 30 years? If you do have issues with it then why? What are your objections?

Do her family have any right to object to this relationship? She is after all in her thirties, at what age do your family just have to shut and sit down? She is so upset that she can't tell them because they will disown her. Personally if my family disowned me, I'm not sure I'd mind.

Let me offer you two scenarios:

1- An 18 year old girl with a 45 year old man.

2- An 18 year old guy with a 45 year old woman.

Opinions?

My Life - Wet

wylddaze — 2007-02-02T03:02:56-05:00

OK, I dun want to scare anyone but there seems to some kind of "moisture" falling from the sky.

I don't know what it is but I don't think it's dangerous. I've seen people walking about in it and they don't seem to be in pain or anything.

,{:-)

My Life - Sinfully

wylddaze — 2007-02-05T07:02:11-05:00

Your Deadly Sins

Envy: 40%

Greed: 40%

Pride: 20%

Gluttony: 0%

Lust: 0%

Sloth: 0%

Wrath: 0%

Chance You'll Go to Hell: 14%

You will die a boring death. While dying, you will be jealous of those who die dramatic deaths.

This is SOOOOO not me!

How Sinful Are You?

My Life in the Aquarium

wylddaze — 2007-02-06T12:02:58-05:00

I have Yabbies!!

OK, for those of you who don't know what Yabbies are, it isn't a medical complaint. Yabbies are fresh water cray-fish, you find them in rivers and in dams. They're so easy to catch it's almost a shame but we do anyway and they make pretty good eating. Sort of like a very sweet lobster and you can eat 5 of them.

So my neices, Maugan and Brenna came over with their father Terry who was installing a light for me (he's a leccy). They had just been to the bait shop to get some bait for their big fishing expedition and bought some live yabbies. Possibly the best bait in the world is yabbies. I turned away for a few minutes to attend to something and before I could say "don't try to grab the fish" I could hear a burst if little-girl giggling. I knew they were up to something and sure enough when the two innocent little faces reappeared at the door, they we nudging each other until one of them (Brenna, the precocious one) said: "guess what, we put yabbies in your fish tank."

So my fish, who were caught by my son the natural born killer, now have four little yabbies in their tank. It's a five foot tank so they have enough room but I wasn't actually expecting long-stay visitors. I went to the pet shop to what I should feed them and saw what they look like when they grow up. GROW UP!? I thought they were grown up. OH no, they grow quite large; in fact without natural predators they grow to about the size of a small lobster. Oh and they breed apparently, yes they have about 1000 young at a time. Assuming we have only one female, that means ... wait a minute ... that means we could turn a profit here.

Farmed Yabbies anyone?

My Life With Roses.

wylddaze — 2007-02-09T03:02:43-05:00

Ladies and gentlemen, St Valentine's day is just 3 working days away. If you haven't ordered your roses you may be too late.

Chocolates you can always get at the last minute.

Jewellery you may have had to save for, so you should have been planning this since Christmas.

Is it all just a little commercialised? I think I'll just get her some new thongs.

,{:-)

My Life - Missing an Icon

wylddaze — 2007-02-10T03:02:36-05:00

Her addictions had nothing to do with her death. The rcounty medical examiner found no alchohol or illicit drugs in her blood. She was famous because she was what men want and what women want to emulate. Anna-Nichole lived her life her way and people were fascinated by it because mostly, they are too chicken-shit to do the same.

I've just read a blog by someone else at mindsay about Anna-Nichole's death. It seems to me that people who can hardly spell and can't construct a simple sentence should probably not write blogs at all. They call it 'proof-reading' for a reason huni. While you might think you're a better person than Anna-Nichole or that you deserve fame and fortune more than she did, you aren't and you don't.

She wasn't forced on you, all you had to do was change the channel or put down the magazine and you could easily avoid her. You say you gave her reality show just a few minutes of attention (I could check what you actually said but I don't want to soil my eyes with your blog again.) and yet I get de feeling you watched it religiously. Why denigrate someone  else's life? She was a person just like any other. Yes, let her rest in peace but don't put her down as inferior.

She was a successful woman who managed to get out of poverty and make it in a very hard world. Good on her I say, good on her for being tough enough to make it to the big-time. I was sad to hear about the death of her son just days after her daughter was born and I am even more saddened for the poor girl that is left motherless and brotherless, in a world where men are fighting over custody of money she doesn't even know she has.

My only hope is that the real father is actually more interested in his daughter's welfare than the money she inherits.

Good bye Anna-Nichole, thanks for being so much larger than life. I admired you.

,{:-(

My Life - Shaking my Head

wylddaze — 2007-02-12T05:02:49-05:00

Under the long list of "stupid things our prime minister has said" I would like to submit the following:

John Howard: "In regard to Global Warming, well, the jury is still out on the climate change question".



- No Johnny, the jury has returned its verdict and the fact is we are causing climate change. I know a lot of your mates own coal mines and power stations but to be fair, if we can't survive on planet Earth, it won't really matter if they don't have jobs will it?

I would also like to add a heart felt pat on the back to United States Senator and presidential candidate Obama (Although I still don't get why no one has made an Obama-Bin-laden joke yet) for his response to little Johnny. Little Johhny made a long comment about how the senator's approach to the war in Iraq was "wrong thinking" because he wants to send U.S. troops home.

The senator responded with a shorter comment about how if Little Johnny would send a extra 20,000 troops to support the war in Iraq the U.S. might pay more attention. Good on you senator, for telling little John to sit down and shut up, I like your style. I still wouldn't vote for you though because I think your policy is wrong thinking too, I just wouldn't say that in a press interview.

Hope you have all had a day at least half as good as mine.

,{:-)

My Life With Crustacea

wylddaze — 2007-03-23T03:03:31-05:00

So I was looking into the big ol' fish-tank the other week and I noticed that one of my newly aquired yabbies (fresh water cray-fish) seemed to be MIA. I assumed that it had been KIA because let's face it there are four very large fish in that tank and we all like a little lobster now and then don't we? Well yabbies are like little lobsters ... very little lobsters. I thought nothing more of it. Oh silly, silly me, I should have known this would be just the beginning of something bad shouldn't I?

I was cleaning the lounge-room the other day and happened to notice a large black 'creature' sitting on the floor under the TV cabinet. Now, I see these things as only an experienced spider hunter can. If there is a small, black "Thing" in a place where there shouldn't be one, my highly trained and skilled eyes will pick it up in an instant. I spotted what I assumed was a spider and prepared to go in for the kill. I went and got a piece of paper towel to carry out the corpse, of what seemed to me to be the biggest, blackest spider I had ever seen. That's when I got the shock of my life! it was Number 5!

It seems that yabbies are a little nomadic; They like to crawl out of the river or dam they live in and go off exploring new territories. Well, Number 5 had done just that. He/She/It had somehow hefted him/her/itself out of the tank and shimmied (I guess) onto the floor and gone walk-about. Unfortunately, in the confines of my house, in the driest continent on Earth, there wasn't another dam or river to be found and Number 5 met his/her/it's death on the plains of my old carpet, underneath my TV cabinet.

* Pause for silent prayer*

More unfortunately, I now have the knowledge that at any given time, in the middle of the night, in the darkness and the quiet of my house, there may be a small black crustacean crawling about on my floor. Clicking its tiny crustacean feet, panting it's tiny pant, focussed, determined, UNSTOPPABLE!

I find myself counting the little creatures in my fish-tank every day now. I count them all, every one, twice a day. I do the roll-call at wakeup and at lights out. Not that I'm afraid mind you, no not at all afraid. *twitch twitch*

My Life - Under Scrutiny

wylddaze — 2007-03-26T03:03:07-05:00

The other day (Saturday) a little old lady knocked on my front door. I answered of course, how dangerous could she be? She produced a large clip-board and said:

"Hello, I'm from the Electoral Roll Office, we're just checking to see who lives here. We only have one peron by the name of x.xxxxx registered here, is that right?"

Well colour me 'fucking stupid'. How insidious is that !!?? So I just said: "Yup" (a lie) and she left. The point is that in this country the Bureau of Statistics has the right by law to ask you any questions they want to and the Electoral Roll Office has the right to ask for the registration details of any person at your home.

I don't vote, because it's compulsory and I object to being told by the government what I can and can't do. I also object to them knowing my details as I want my privacy. I haven't been on the electoral roll for some time and I don't fill in the census form. The government will tell you that they keep all your details confidential and that if you have nothing to hide then you shouldn't need to keep details from them. I believe this is the very same logic the Nazis used in the 1930s.

I have nothing to hide, I just don't want to share. I'm not a sharing person and I don't trust the government of today or, more importantly tomorrow to keep my details private.

We in Oz still live under the "convict mentality" that the government must give us permission to do things and that we must ask permission to be allowed to do things. We still feel that the government is our 'Boss' and that we should obey when we're told to. The government uses the Bureau of Statistics (in the form of the census) and the Electoral Roll Office (you must be registered to vote if you're over 18) to gather information about you and to keep track of you. By the way, if you refuse to give them information or you don't enroll to vote (and keep your details current) you are liable to be fined OR IMPRISIONED at the discretion of the judge at your hearing.

It's time we demanded some freedom and some privacy! Stand up for yourselves you lazy bastards - Revolt!!! SAY NO! Demand that the government works to ensure and support your freedom and your privacy, make them work for you!

No doubt the federales could, if they chose track me down via my IP address and pursue legal action for my terribly revolutionary views and actions. I wonder if they will. Stay tuned for "My Life - Under Guard"

,{:-)

My Life - Loving it

wylddaze — 2007-03-28T12:03:22-05:00

From the list of 'things I'd love to start a conversation with':

"So there I was, with a freshly killed Wildebeaste and my rifle empty when what should walk out from behind the bushes ...."

"... of course the judge said it was understandable but the constable was livid, he refused to see the funny side of ..."

" ... how the hell was I supposed to know she was married to a fucking bikie?"

In other news, I really love women. I love so many things about them. Sitting at a cafe the other day and listening to a group of women (I'm guessing mid 30s) at a nearby table was like listening to a waterfall. Their voices were so soothing and gentle like the sound of water tumbling over rocks.

I love 'em.

My Life - Lovin' It!

wylddaze — 2007-04-01T05:04:42-05:00

From my list of things I love:

# 25,142: Driving at dusk on a warm Autumn (Fall) night with the sun roof open.

What a weird weekend. I got a new tattoo though, my family crest, coat of arms and motto.

My Life - Horrified

wylddaze — 2007-04-04T06:04:09-05:00

Today in Sydney, five 17year old boys were charged with the aggravated rape of a 17year old girl. The boys allegedly took the girl to a party and got her very drunk before taking turns to rape her. One of them recorded the event on his mobile phone video camera. They then allegedly took the girl home and left her on the front doorstep of her house; without her underwear.

The boys then allegedly showed the video to some of their friends and friends of the girl. They even showed it to her, some days later because she didn't remember the event at all.

I'm not surprised that they did this, I expect the worst from humans. I'm not surprised they were stupid enough to get caught, after all how bright can they be? I'm not even surprised that they attend a private catholic boys school. What I am surprised at is that if they are convicted (and since they are in the video they themselves took, it seems likely they will be) they will be allowed to live.

What kind of society do we live in where animals like these are allowed to live in the general population? Do you think that after they are released from prison in 15 years, that they will be nicer people? Would you allow tigers to freely roam the streets of your suburbs? Would you ignore the threat of bears in your city streets? Yet these creatures who are just as vicious and just as predatory are allowed to live.

If there was ever an example of why we should re-introduce the death penalty, this is it. I for once, am all for it. I can't understand the culture of these boys; how do they feel it is ok to disrespect someone like that? How do they think that this behaviour is ok? Where does this kind of thinking come from? I just don't get it, these boys are from well-to-do families, they aren't culturaly disenfranchised so what is it that got into their heads? Why would they do this?

On second thoughts who cares why they did it? String 'em up!!

My Life - Older

wylddaze — 2007-04-07T09:04:12-05:00

Well it's finally happening after all these years. I'm finally getting the character in my facial features that I've always wanted. No longer the round-faced 'boi' look, now my face is maturing into that of a man.

I am finally getting the leaner look I've always wanted as the fat in my face begins to atrophy; and my skin looks somehow tougher and less boyish.

I look more like a man who's lived a bit (and goodness knows I have.), seen a few things, been a few places and done a few things as well. I'm beginning to look a bit dare I say it, rugged.

It's taken me 47 years to achieve this look and for a few fleeting years I'll have it. I guess then I will start to age badly. In a few short years I will start to look old instead of just 'older'.

I have to say that I'm very happy with the way I look for perhaps the first time in my life. I like looking like this and I hope it lasts for a while. I've always had this little round face that looked as if it was made of marshmallow. I like looking a bit rugged.

My hair is dyed really jet black and my beardy chin is stark white in contrast. My eyes are still clear and sharp and my aspect is more confident but not enough to be aggressive. I still feel comfortable walking alone in any place, something I never thought about until a girlfriend of mine mentioned it. She noticed that I never seemed to care where I walked even at night; and I don't, never have. It simply never crossed my mind. She said that women always do, they always think about where they are and whether it's safe to be there. I don't know if that's true for all women.

My Life - In Colour

wylddaze — 2007-04-09T12:04:04-05:00

I can't believe two people actually asked for this. OK so here goes, don't say you weren't warned - I've known horses to rear at the sight of this face ... can't believe I'm doing this ...

My Life - Think Aloud.

wylddaze — 2007-04-11T06:04:49-05:00

Something I thought about today is that humans are clueless about the world. They don't realise that in a natural setting, most of them would not survive. Most humans are not smart enough, sharp enough, quick enough or dangerous enough to make it in nature.

Nature would kill most of us off in just a few days. But for the coddled lifestyle we lead, protected from elements and beasts we would perish en masse. It is only because we are protected by our cities and our technologies that we can complain about the cold and the heat and the way our food is prepared and the lack of services we want.

I see people all the time who look like they are only half "on" and I think they would probably be the first to go. So I figure that if there is some kind of natural or man-made disaster and civilisation ends, the rest of us can stand back and make a plan while the first group get eaten.

The question is: "What then?" Does anyone know how to make a microwave? A television? An LCD screen? I mean there must be people who know how to make this stuff but I ain't one of them. How long would it take us to get back to a place where we could have central heating and cook in a proper oven? I mean, how long do I have to wait to get my MTV???

My Life - On Holiday

wylddaze — 2007-04-17T08:04:20-05:00

What a weekend! I went to a place called Mission Beach in far north Queensland. Look it up on the net folks, it's a great place to be. I went to get away from my life for a couple of days and it worked. I stayed in a cabin that was right on the beach; I mean literally built on the beach. The "Welcome to our Resort" basket was filled with goodies like gourmet coffee and nuts and a little paper outlining some of the resort's features.

It began with: "Please note that while we do harvest the coconuts along the beachfront, you should be careful of falling coconuts as you walk along the paths."  This was made very clear to me on the first night as I realised that the "Whoosh, whoosh TOK!" noise I kept hearing was in fact, the sound of cocnuts falling through the leaves of smaller trees and then striking a trunk or whatever below. It ends with: "As there are crocodiles about we recommend you stay away from lagoons and creeks." This advice was well and truly brought to life when, stumbling towards my cabin at 4:30 in the morning, I tripped over a fallen palm branch and instantly believed it was a croc! Sober up? You bet I did.

A girlfriend of mine says that the women in Queensland are of a different (Higher) standard and frankly she's quite right. In fairness though, the guys are also a lot better looking up there. In fact everything is, the scenery as you drive is almost hypnotic. The fields of cane and other crops just wave lazily in the breeze and ask you to question the reasons you work so hard. It's as if they are saying: " Join us, Jooooin uuussss ..." Well anyway that's what they said to me.

I saw a Cassowary! I was so exited I actually yelled it when I saw one. My friend looked at me and just shook her head saying : "City people are so funny" We then drove past a sign that made us both laugh, it said: "Speeding has killed Cassowary." My first reaction was of sadness; They are so lovely and it's a pity that these young, flightless birds, so full of life and their own immortality decide to take to our roads irresponsibly and speed. It was a very large red sign and showed a quite childishly drawn picture of a large bird being tripped over by a car. Evidently these rampaging birds run into cars when they speed. So take heed young Cassowary, speed kills. So does Heroin and to a lesser extent cocaine.

The rain in the Mission Beach/ Cairns area is a law unto itself. When it rains it really rains! So strange to see so much water and so much greenery when all the land I flew over (2435 kilomtres of it each way) to get there was so dry and bleak looking. I had thought at one time that I was flying over rivers and lakes in the far north of New South Wales. In fact I was looking at the dry river beds and lake beds that are a blue/grey colour because of the mud. Get to the far north of Queensland and it's like Hawaii.

In short, I highly recommend Cairns and the far north of Queensland in general and Sejala resort on Mission Beach in particular. I had a great time and I'm going back.

My Life - Sinfully

wylddaze — 2007-04-19T05:04:51-05:00

>
Are You Gay, Bi, or Straight?
Your Result: Straight

Your result indications that you are straight. Heterosexual. Attracted to the opposite sex. This probably does not come as a surprise to you. You are in the majority and your relationships will be accepted by society. Consider yourself lucky.

Gay

Bisexual

Are You Gay, Bi, or Straight?

Now, the question here is: Since I put myself down as a female, does that mean I'm a lesbian?

My Life - Getting Good Mileage

wylddaze — 2007-04-21T05:04:08-05:00

A 2006 study found that the average  Australian walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that  Australians drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means, on average, Australians get about 41 miles to the gallon.

So far, I'm on track with lower pollution levels, my fuel consumption is well below the national average.

*Sits back in chair and looks smug with self*

My Life - In Love

wylddaze — 2007-04-25T06:04:36-05:00

Falling in love is the best thing there is. Falling in love with someone you shouldn't, can be very stressful. Breaking up with someone is hard, especially when you know how good things can be between you and you don't really want to do it.

Getting back together is ... sublime!

My Life - Doing Stupid Things

wylddaze — 2007-04-27T07:04:02-05:00

Did you ever do something so stupid you just knew someone saw it? Like tonight, as I was going back to my car after doing the grocery shopping (homo-domesticus) and found a parking inspector going through the carpark like a brown and tan shark.

I rushed to my car, knowing I had scant seconds ( I Finally get to use the word scant - Huzzah!) to get to the "Black Panzer" before the time on my paid parking ticket expired. I hefted my shopping bags and ran ... ok, shambled quickly. I got there just as he was approaching and looked onto my dashboard. The ticket read exp: 18:24  it was 18:17 by my watch - I win!

With a sigh of relief I got into the car, having put the grocery bags in the boot (trunk for our american friends), then I looked up and saw the sign above me. My heart sank and I looked about me to see who had also noticed. There was only the parking-shark with a grin, looking at me a few cars away.

The sign read: "Free parking at any time"

I hate that.

My Life - In Quiz Form

wylddaze — 2007-04-28T07:04:27-05:00

A QUIZ:

1. What book took you on the greatest journey?

The Disappearance of The Universe. by Gary Reynard. It's mind altering.

2. What's the most awkward confrontation you've ever had?

With a drug dealer who had a new gun and wanted to show it off; pointed at me.

3. Have you ever hallucinated? If so, how/ why?

Yes, after drinking some Mullberry bark tea. Oh that was a night.

4. How broke have you been?

I've been so broke that we (I was married at the time) had to eat rice for two weeks. Rice with sauce, rice with spices. Then we got monied up and started buying extras like tuna and veges WooHoo!

5. What trip would you take: anywhere on Earth, right this instant, but for only 1 hour..?

I'd like to go to the north pole please.

6. What's the grossest thing you've ever eaten?

Lambs brains, lightly crumbed and pan fried. Thank god I was so young I don't remember it.

7. What's the sickest you've ever been?

I had mononeucleosis for about 3 months instead of the usual couple of weeks. I lost over half my weight and couldn't get out of bed for a month. I thought I was going to die. The only other time was when I got food poisoning. That time I wished I could die.

8. Who is your favorite artist? Why?

They are all different and I like something of most that I've seen. Some days I'm in the mood for a Dali other days a Turner. Apples and oranges really.

9. What's the stupidest law? Why?

I'd be spoiled for choice, there are so many. My personal most-hated -law is the helmet law. It's formulated by people who have never ridden a 'bike and it causes more damage than it prevents. Also, it takes away my right to govern my own body and that's a basic human right. Don't get me started on this subject.

10. If you won millions, to what cause would you give the most?

I'm not sure I understand what you mean. I've won millions and you want me to what now? Give away money? Oh I get it! Good one, you almost had me there LOL.

My Life - A Challenge

wylddaze — 2007-04-30T05:04:52-05:00

So a few weeks ago justjayme  set me a challenge. According to my fellow blogger, I seem to think I know everything. Of course I don't think I know everything ... just most things. I didn't take the quiz that Justjayme set me because it didn't seem worth it; The whole question of whether the attacks on September eleventh 2001 were real or constructed for some shadowy government conspiracy, just seems to silly to respond to.

However ....

I have decided to answer some of the world's most pressing questions and find out if anyone has any more questions they'd like answered. So here goes:

1- How long is a piece of string?

   A- A piece of string is exactly twice the length measured from the centre to one end. There is a longer, more scientific answer but I like this one better.

2- How far can a person run into a forest?

   A- A person can run half way into a forest, after which they are running out of it.

3- What came first, the chicken or the egg?

   A- The egg came first because the parents of the first chicken had to be "proto-chickens". That is to say that they had to have two sets of genes that together, would produce the first chicken but couldn't be chickens themselves.

4- Why did the chicken cross the road?

   A- This is a surprisingly easy one to answer, given that so many people have tried to answer it. The chicken crossed the road because birds are prone to random acts dictated by random thoughts. In other words, they do things for no reason at all. It simply chose to. The bigger question on my mind is: why are so may people interested in questioning the choices made by a flightless avian food source?

5- If a tree falls in a forest and there is no one there to hear it, does it make a sound?

   A- The simple answer is: NO. The reason is that sound only becomes sound when it strikes an eardrum. Before that, the "noise" is simply vibrations that cannot be called sound at all. If you watch the ocean you see waves, these are vibrations but they make no sound until they strike the beach or rocks and transform into smaller, faster air vibrations that strike your eardrum and enable you to hear them. If you were in the water, the vibrations (waves) would roll over and around you but you wouldn't hear them becuse they are too big to fit into your ear - get it?

OK, so if anyone has any questions they've always wanted the answers to, just let me know.

My Life - Regretting I asked.

wylddaze — 2007-05-01T08:05:13-05:00

Trust me to open my big mouth and get these (I hate you people):

Q-  SaikotikGunman Asks:

  -  How would one create a torus with the density of a neutron and a diameter of one astronomical unit?
- How would one rotate it?

  - Why would one do this?

Mk, the torus is a shape, much like a doughnut (Donut) and the name comes from the latin for a cushion of that shape.

The surface area and interior volume of this torus are given by

A- It would theoretically be possible to generate a torus of one astronomical unit (150 million kilomtres) and with the density of one neutron (a sub-atomic particle) by rotating a neutron about and axis to a length of 150 million kilometres and then bringing it back to it's starting point, thus creating an apparent or virtual torus.

A- One could rotate it by using a gigantic gravity vortex generated between two large astral bodies such as Sol and Jupiter. The positioning would be critical of course.

A- Why? As any good scientist will tell you - Why not?

sifa asks:

Q- Why do we park on a driveway and drive on a parkway?

A- Obviously because town planning is done by committees and, as anyone who has ever dealt with a government committee will tell you, that's what happens when a committee takes a simple idea and "workshops" it

Q- If Teflon is non-stick, how does it stick to the pan?

A- This is of course because Teflon is only non-stick on one side. The other side is REALLY sticky

Q- What is the meaning of life?

A- The meaning of life is simply that you live it.



patchesmom asks:

Q- if turning around in circles gets us disoriented, what do Asians become?

A- since it is politically incorrect to call our asian brothers and sisters "oriental," they simply become disoriented like the rest of us.

Q- do dust bunnies eat carrots?

A- Sadly no, as they carnivorous. Beware the dust bunnies under your bed!

Q- If a hen and a half lays an egg and a half in a day an a half, how many pancakes does it take to shingle a doghouse?

A- A half a hen cannot lay any eggs at all no matter how long you give it, so you're getting one egg a day and that's ya lot. Given that the average roof tiler will eat a stack of ten pancakes at a sitting and that a dog house is a one day job, I would estimate that it will take ten pancakes to shingle a doghouse.

HA!! Ya thought ya had me with that one din' ya?????

Thankfully, this next group can all be covered with the same answer:

silencingshorty Why do bad things happen to good people?

smurfy Why do weird things happen to normal people?

Why did success happen to Good Charlotte?

roselorelei Why do normal things happen to weird people?

A- there are two commonly accepted answers for these questions:

1- It's because the universe is set on autopilot and god is napping on the couch.

2- Its' because shit happens!

So what is that it? C'mooooooon

My Life - Twice More

wylddaze — 2007-05-03T07:05:24-05:00

OK, first off I'd like to thank everyone for their questions, it's been so much fun and I've really enjoyed it. Now for the last two questions, from my daughter silencingshorty who asks:

Q- Why aren't you Ruler of the world by now?

A- Well babigurl, it's like this ... secretly, I am.

Q-  Why can I never sleep when it's my bedtime?

A- Because yoiur body knows you're trying to go to sleep and resists. the trick is: to sleep when you least expect it.

And FYI - I hear that Lindsay Lohan is gay? There really is a god.

My Life - Crossing Roads

wylddaze — 2007-05-04T11:05:22-05:00

With credit to wakemeup, daretodream@typepad .com, "Steph" - et al

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD....

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it goes after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is help him realise how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems.

OPRAH: Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls,which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DONALD RUMSFELD: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

ANDERSON COOPER/CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am for it now, and will remain against it.

JUDGE JUDY: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's why they call it the "other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that!

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2006,which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken. The Platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^( C \\\\..... reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

My Life - As a Lesbian.

wylddaze — 2007-05-08T01:05:58-05:00

Proof that God exists!

Taken from some pseudo-news article (read: gossip column):

Lindsay Lohan got all "Girls Gone Wild" the other night with her BFF of the moment, DJ Samantha Ronson, while out clubbing at a Tokyo hot spot. I guess with Joe Francis all locked up, they figured that they needed to make this shit happen on their own.

An insider told America's Star magazine: "They just started making out right there like they didn't care who saw them.
"Everyone knows they are more than just friends. They are lovers. Maybe because they were across the globe they didn't think anyone would notice."

Also, this "source" revealed to the magazine that Lindsay and Ronson hook up whenever Lindsay's between men, saying that La Lohan has stated, "If I'm not with a guy we hook up." Seriously, this girl is so the community mouth. I'm reminded of this guy from college I once knew, who I don't think was really bi-sexual, so much as he was attracted to warm holes. OK, that was downright nasty. But it needed to be said. (No, it didn't.)

My Life - As a Refugee

wylddaze — 2007-05-10T05:05:30-05:00

Refugee Blues

Say this city has ten million souls,
Some are living in mansions, some are living in holes:
Yet there's no place for us, my dear, yet there's no place for us.

Once we had a country and we thought it fair,
Look in the atlas and you'll find it there:
We cannot go there now, my dear, we cannot go there now.

In the village churchyard there grows an old yew,
Every spring it blossoms anew:
Old passports can't do that, my dear, old passports can't do that.

The consul banged the table and said,
"If you've got no passport you're officially dead":
But we are still alive, my dear, but we are still alive.

Went to a committee; they offered me a chair;
Asked me politely to return next year:
But where shall we go to-day, my dear, but where shall we go to-day?

Came to a public meeting; the speaker got up and said;
"If we let them in, they will steal our daily bread":
He was talking of you and me, my dear, he was talking of you and me.

Thought I heard the thunder rumbling in the sky;
It was Hitler over Europe, saying, "They must die":
O we were in his mind, my dear, O we were in his mind.

Saw a poodle in a jacket fastened with a pin,
Saw a door opened and a cat let in:
But they weren't German Jews, my dear, but they weren't German Jews.

Went down the harbour and stood upon the quay,
Saw the fish swimming as if they were free:
Only ten feet away, my dear, only ten feet away.

Walked through a wood, saw the birds in the trees;
They had no politicians and sang at their ease:
They weren't the human race, my dear, they weren't the human race.

Dreamed I saw a building with a thousand floors,
A thousand windows and a thousand doors:
Not one of them was ours, my dear, not one of them was ours.

Stood on a great plain in the falling snow;
Ten thousand soldiers marched to and fro:
Looking for you and me, my dear, looking for you and me.

WH Auden

.

My Life - Worried

wylddaze — 2007-05-14T04:05:56-05:00

So I'm a bit worried; It's now the middle of May and we still haven't had a frost yet. Usually by this time of year we are seeing frosty white lawns in the mornings and scraping the frozen dew off the car before we can go to work (or in my case drive home from work.)

What is going on?! Is global warming that bad already? Has the heat gone up so much that we're already seeing differences? I fear it is. Winter begins in just three weeks and we're still comfortable and quite warm. I haven't even had the heater on yet except to test it and make sure it still works. I took my old leather jacket out of the closet today thinking I would need it and by lunch time I was too hot in it.

Mind you, I am still brought to think of the old Inuit man on the documentary I saw on TV a while back. They were looking at global warming and it's effects on human populations. When the interviewer asked the old eskimo what he thought of global-warming, the old man said he thought it was a good thing. The interviewer was stunned and asked why. The old man looked at him like he was retarded and said:"well, because it's wamer."

Yes I'm worried folks, very worried.

My Life - Biopsyed.

wylddaze — 2007-05-15T07:05:49-05:00

There are some things you never want to hear. You never want to hear your small child say "uh-oh", you never want to hear that same child scream in pain. You never want to hear your dentist (or proctologist) say "Oooh, I don't like the look of that".

You never want to hear a telephone call start with the words: "I'm sorry to have to tell you this ..."

I heard some of those words a couple of weeks ago. The words were:

"Uh, yeah, we're going to have to do a biopsy on that."

For me, the word "biopsy" has only one meaning, it means:

"you have cancer and we need to see how bad it is."

My doctor was very relaxed about the whole thing and assured me that he was 80% sure it wasn't cancerous and that everything would be just hunky-dory. Lumps are not always "lumps".

"No worries" he says, "we'll do a little cut and then we'll know the results the same day. I'll book you in for two weeks from today."

TWO FUCKING WEEKS!! Meanwhile, I spend the next 14 days looking at this stain on my neck every time I get within cooey of a mirror or any other reflective surface. Not that I was worried you undertsand. How sure is "80%" anyway?

So today I went in and had a small peice of my skin taken away to a lab somewhere. The really funny part is that this tiny little cut (2mm) required a huge, clown bandage. I swear the thing looks like a had a tattoo removed. People in the street are staring at it! Mind you, a lot of blood comes from such a small cut. eeeww.

So much for knowing the results the same day, I'm now told it will be another 72 hours before 'we' get results. I guess it doesn't matter really, I mean if it's bad it won't be any worse in 72 hours and if it isn't, who cares?

I still can't believe the size of this bandage, I'm sure he put it there as a joke.

My Life - RELIEVED

wylddaze — 2007-05-17T05:05:25-05:00

My new favourite word:

BENIGN.

My Life - Tidies Up.

wylddaze — 2007-05-20T05:05:27-05:00

So I have been doing something we all know we should do but always leave to the longest possible time we can. That's right, I've been tidying up my paperwork. You know, all the bills and documents we file away in a fold-a-file every year.

We say we're going to tidy them up at the end of the fiscal year but of course, we leave them and leave them, since we know they're not really important. So a few weeks ago, I decided it was time to attack the enormous fold-a-file and clear away some of the papers. This is mainly because it was actually the file and 5 small plastic bags full of papers.

It's taken over a week and I've finally got down to the last few dozen items to file. I've found electricity bills going back almost two years.

Then I discovered something interesting. I was at a family function yesterday (a rare occurrence.) and my mother mentioned - a-propos of nothing, that she had been doing some cleaning out recently and found bills going back to 19- WAIT FOR IT - 62!!!!

I thought I was a horder! It turns out, my mum never throws any papers out. She even has my original leaner-driver's permit. Now I know why I do it but at least there's hope for me; I can change, I know I can.

My Life - Under Suspicion

wylddaze — 2007-05-28T01:05:34-05:00

MURDER, MURDER MOST FOUL!!

I came home from work yesterday morning at around 8:30 as usual and as I normally do, I went to the fish tank to feed them. It was then that I saw something that shocked me to the core.

I froze on the spot, unable to move or to call for help. My voice was paralysed with horror. There, in the tank, swishing about on the bottom over the sand was ... A CLAW!

It was immediately obvious to me that one of my precious new lodgers had been attacked and was possibly dead. I couldn't bring myself to look closer to see if it was alive ... but I did anyway. Next, I found another claw (this one had a leg attached), carapace and then the tail of the poor hapless crustacean.

  It became obvious over the next few hours of meticulous forensic examination, by a team of highly skilled investigators, (I scooped up the remains in a net and had a look) that "number 4" as he/she/it was affectionately known, was dead. That's the second yabbie to meet an untimely end although the two deaths are un-related.

Then, it happened! I went to feed the fish again this morning and to my horror, ... it had happened again!! I saw yet another tiny, blue lobster-like body, swishing around on the bottom of the tank. It now seems that we may have a serial killer in our midst.

So far we have lost Number 5, Number 4 and now, Number 3. Services for Number 3 and 4 will be held at Wakefield cemetery on Wednesday for those who wish to attend. We ask that no flowers be sent but that those who wish to should make donations to a crustacean charity of their choice.

This mystery deepens but we will find this killer.

My Life - Tagged

wylddaze — 2007-06-03T07:06:05-05:00

I was tagged by  tearsandrain

Instructions: Each player of this game starts with 6 weird things about you (him/herself?). People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own 6 weird things as well as state the rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave a comment that says you are tagged in their comments and tell them to read your blog. No tagbacks

6 Odd things about me... and these aren't the oddest things by far ...

1. I am ambidexterous.

2. I like to dip my chips (fries) in my thickshake.

3. I am a bass-baritone and sing like a foghorn!

4. I have over 100 hours flight-deck time in commercial jets and no licence.

5. I once designed an airship.

6. I learned that pigs skin is tranplantable onto humans and now can't bring myself to eat pig meat.

My Life - As Detective

wylddaze — 2007-06-05T12:06:52-05:00

Well, after much detective work and some elbow grease ... ok, not so much the elbow grease, we have discovered the cuplrit!

I should say cuplrits as there were two. After long hours of watching the fish tank and peering into the murky depths of the water I finally found the yabbie murderers. I watched for ages as the fish and the yabbies interracted and eventually saw a pattern emerge. I noticed that two of the bigger fish, Sid and Albert (actually their names are: Sid Fishious and Albert Finny) were lurking - yes, lurking in one spot.

These two are like the tough guys of the tank. The Sopranno's guys if you will. They hang out together and eat together and are generally gay together. I noticed that they were hovering over the spot where one of the yabbies (the last remaining yabbies) was cowering in a corner. It was then that I realised what was happening, they were bullying it until it came out to defend itself and then they were planning to attack it.

I set about foiling their plan by putting an old conch shell (given to me by someone for god knows-what-reason) over the yabbie to protect it. I saw a few hours later that the little lobsteritte had pushed the shell off and was again, exposed. Perhaps it prefers to cower?

Some creatures just don't deserve to be saved.



My Life - Analysing This

wylddaze — 2007-06-08T05:06:52-05:00

Stolen from velvetTurtle with thanks.

IF you get more than 30 you're paranoid.
If you get 10 or less you're fearless.
I Fear...

[ ] the dark
[ ] staying single forever
[ ] being a parent
[X] giving birth
[X] being myself in front of others
[ ] open spaces
[X] closed spaces
[ ] heights
[ ] black cats
[X] dogs
[ ] birds
[ ] fish
[ ] spiders
[ ] driving or being in cars
[ ] flying
[ ] flowers or other plants
[ ] being touched
[X] fire
[X] deep water
[X] the ocean
[ ] failure
[X] success
[ ] thunder/lightning
[ ] frogs/toads
[ ] my boyfriends/girlfriends/spouse's dad
[ ] my boyfriends/girlfriends/spouse's mom
[ ] mice/rats
[ ] jumping from high places
[ ] snow
[ ] rain
[ ] wind
[ ] crossing hanging bridges
[ ] death
[ ] Heaven
[ ] being robbed
[ ] cotton balls
[ ] cemeteries
[ ] clowns
[X] large crowds
[ ] men
[ ] women
[ ] having great responsibility
[ ] doctors, including dentists
[ ] tornadoes
[ ] hurricanes
[ ] diseases
[ ] snakes
[X] sharks
[ ] Friday the 13th
[ ] ghosts
[ ] Halloween
[ ] school
[ ] trains or railroads
[ ] odd numbers
[ ] even numbers
[ ] being alone
[X] being blind
[ ] being deaf
[ ] growing up
[ ] monsters under my bed
[ ] creepy noises in the night
[ ] bee stings
[X] not accomplishing my dreams/goals
[ ] needles
[ ] blood
[ ] veins
[ ] dinosaurs if they were alive
[ ] the welcome mat
[ ] sex (?!)

Hmmm .. not quite fearless yet but certainly not paranoid either. Why, what have you heard about me?

My Life - Advice From Dear Abby.

wylddaze — 2007-06-11T04:06:32-05:00

Why men don't get replies from "Dear Abby".

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before but I really need your advice on what could well be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs ... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up - My wife has been going out with the girls a lot lately but if I ask their names it's always "just some of the girls from work, you wouldn't know them."- I always stay awake to look out for her taxi when she gets home but she always walks up the drive.

I have never approached the subject with my wife, I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth. Last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided to park my BMW R1150 GS motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouched down behind the bike, that I noticed that the valve covers on the engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.

Is this something that I could fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

My Life - Looking for Land Mines

wylddaze — 2007-06-13T01:06:24-05:00

Barbara Walters of TV's 20/20 did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. From Ms.Walter's vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?"

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation, said, "Land Mines."

MORAL OF THE STORY:   BEHIND EVERY MAN IS A SMART WOMAN.

My Life - In Winter's Cold Embrace

wylddaze — 2007-06-19T08:06:13-05:00

Well it seems that Autumn is the new Winter. It's already the middle of June and so far we haven't even had a frost. The wind got a bit uppitty the other day and it's rained a bit (thank goodness) but it hasn't really been cold.

My heater isn't working, keeps turning itself off but it hasn't been a major problem so far because it simply hasn't been that cold. I don't think it's even gone below zero degrees this year yet.

Of course there are still all the benefits of winter; the coolness in the morning air, the chilly wind at night and the snuggle factor but we haven't yet had the downsides; the frost, the ice all over the car in the morning if you were too tired to put it in the garage the night before, frozen taps and hoses etc.

There are still birds singing all day and the leaves on the trees are only now starting to really turn those beautiful colours. I could get used to this kind of winteriness, I really could.

So I say "bully" for global warming, I like it. So what if the polar bears were to go extinct, I was never going to eat one, was I? More penguines for the rest of us!

Mmmmm Penguine tartare, the food of kings.

My Life - With 'Cows'

wylddaze — 2007-06-23T04:06:20-05:00

Just a little Bovine humour for my Mindsay peeps. The definitions of various political styles, as they relate to ... cows:

SOCIALISM

You have 2 cows.

You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.

You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM

You have two giraffes.

The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank,

then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder

who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.

The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States,

leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.

The public then buys your bull.

THE ANDERSEN MODEL

You have two cows.

You shred them.

A FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike, organise a riot and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a

clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.

You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You count them and learn you have five cows.

You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.

You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.

You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them.

You claim that you have full employment and high bovine productivity.

You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.

You tell them that you have none.

No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.

You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy....

A GREEK IDEALISM

You sit down at the Symposium and philosophise for five thousand years why there are two cows.

You still don't know.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

You have two cows.

The one on the left looks very attractive.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Business seems pretty good.

You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

My Life - Bemused by Fools

wylddaze — 2007-06-25T09:06:59-05:00

This is so funny, I just don't what makes me laugh more.

Cruise, Scientology slammed by Germany

Tuesday Jun 26 06:00 AEST

By ninemsn staff

Tom Cruise and Scientology have suffered two major blows in as many days, with Germany's Defence Ministry and a US Christian group lashing out what they call a fake religion.

Germany barred Cruise from entering German military sites to shoot a movie about a plot to kill Adolf Hitler because he is a Scientologist.

The German government does not recognise the Church of Scientology as a real church, and says it masquerades as a religion to make money. Scientology leaders have fiercely denied these claims.

Defence Ministry spokesman Harald Kammerbauer said the film makers "will not be allowed to film at German military sites if Count Stauffenberg is played by Tom Cruise, who has publicly professed to being a member of the Scientology cult".

"In general, the Bundeswehr (German military) has a special interest in the serious and authentic portrayal of the events of July 20, 1944 and Stauffenberg's person," Kammerbauer said.

The ban came after Mark Dice, the founder of apocalyptic US Christian organisation The Resistance, claimed that Scientology is a Satanic cult.

“Yes, Tom Cruise worships Satan," said Dice, who has made several controversial public claims in recent years — including that the World Trade Centre attacks were a CIA plot.

"I don’t say this as an insult, or as an ad hominem attack. I seriously and literally mean he worships Satan, although most occultists, call him Lucifer the light bearer."

"In the Garden of Eden, Satan said if Man took the forbidden fruit that he would become just like god, actually becoming equal to God, and that is what occultists people believe."

"They believe they themselves, are gods," Mark Dice claims, before turning his comments directly to the Top Gun star.

"If you want a real religion, try going to a Christian Church, Tom, it's free."

Dice, who wrote the book The Resistance Manifesto under the Terminator-inspired alias John Connor, was in the news just a few weeks ago when he announced plans to hold a series of anti-Paris Hilton demonstrations outside Hilton hotels in the US.

On his MySpace website Dice is pictured smiling and holding a gun, with the caption: "Heard of the 2nd amendment?".

Note: This warning has been re-translated from the original Korean.
- This message is for the persons use only. - It should not be used for the other purpose.It may or may not, contain confidential, proprietary or legally privileged information. If receiving this message in error, please immediately delete. Then run to the nearest washroom and dunk your head in the lavatory bowl, while flushing and repeating untill you have forgotten any information you may have subconsciously absorbed from this transmission.You must not, think about or copy any part of this message if you are not the intended for it. This includes sleep-talking. We reserve the right to monitor all email communications through your networks because we don't trust you (applies to north Korea only) Any views expressed in this message are those of the individual sender, except where the message states otherwise and the sender is authorised to state them to be the views of any such entity... and ... stuff. Thank you, please to enjoy the contents with the spork provided.

My Life - Irritated

wylddaze — 2007-07-02T07:07:13-05:00

It's strange how a simple thing, that you've probably encountered a thousand times, can get under your skin and irritate you to the point that you feel distratced by it every time it happens.

The way someone says something or the way a thing happens the same way every time.

Anything really.

Do any of you have anything that just drives you to distraction for no logical reason? Tell us, share with the group, what is your personal bug-bear?

,{:-)

My Life - Related to fame.

wylddaze — 2007-07-08T06:07:12-05:00

So my little God-Daughter Maddie has been getting into the modelling scene for a while now and recently got into a hair and beauty competition. It was run by the Hairdresser's Aassociation of Australia and she did really well. So well in fact, she got a win!

So she tells me the other day that she's in this magazine (Cosmopolitan no less!), so I immediately go to check it out the next day. There she is right at the top of the page in the middle - MY LITTLE MADDIE! She looks so mature I hardly recognised her. I'm so proud of my girl, she's so beautiful and so professional.

Go check it out - Australian Cosmopolitan, Hair and Beauty magazine, page 97 top centre.

I'm so proud, so very, very proud.

My Life - Answered

wylddaze — 2007-07-10T04:07:15-05:00

I stole this from insomnia - cheers mate.

1. Story behind your myspace song.
I have a song?

2. Jewelry worn daily?
My piercings, I have 4 and they do not come out.

3. Where your default picture was taken?
On the highway, last year hitch-hiking.

4. Life:
... is like a box of chocolates, a thoughtless gift, given by someone who doesn't really care.

5. House:
A house much like any other. We call it, "The House of Fun."

6. Wearing?
My best casual top and skirt with my fav' sneakers.

7. Wanting?
More than I have, more than I need.

8. What do you smell like?
Fresh flowers and baked bread - that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

10. Do you sleep naked?
Winter - only if I have company, otherwise I'd freeze in this weather. Summer - all the time!

11. What's something you wish you could understand better?
The nature of the universe and the reality of it's creator.

12. What did you do last weekend?
Work, sleep, work, sleep, work, sleep, work .... etc etc etc

13. Have you ever been in a beauty pageant?
Not yet but I'm hopeful. I want to win Ms Australia - Senior when I'm about 75.

14. Who were the last people you went somewhere with?
I try not to go places with people. I did drive a thousand miles last week though. It took me 15 hrs.

15. Last text message you sent?
"poke" to my g/f about 5 minutes ago.

16. Who's house did you go to last night?
Mine, does it count if I just stayed there and didn't really 'go'? .

17. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital?
Bella, even getting her tonsils out didn't shut her up!

18. Do you like someone right now?
Oooooooh yeh, I like a few 'someones' right now. I am such a slut.

19. What do you wear more: slacks, jeans, or sweatpants?
Jeams.

20. Where did you get the shirt you're wearing?
Meh, I dunno - a shop?

21. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed?
Because she's my grandma and I might not have many chances left to kiss the dear woman.

22. Do you believe that you can change someone?
No, I'm not that naive anymore. People can change themselves if they truly want to but they rarely do. Mostly they just evolve slowly.

23. Do you want someone you can't have?
Sadly, yes and I hate when that happens.

24. What's the largest age difference between yourself and someone YOU have dated?
30 years ... seriously, it was 30 years.

25. Have you ever dated someone you met online?
Yup and it was gooooooooood.

26. Have you ever dated/fooled around with a coworker?
Yes and no, you shouldn't ever do that! Stupid, stupid, stupid idea.

27. If so, how did that turn out?

See above ...
28. Were you popular in high school?
No, I was the reclusive guy in the long, dark coat.

29. Are looks important?
Oh hell yes. If there's no initial attraction you just won't be interested will you?

30. Do you have any friends that you've known for 10 years or more?
yeh, most of them actually.

31. By what age would you like to be married?
Been there, did that, would do it again in a flash. Marriage is good.

32. Does the number of people a person's slept with affect your view of them.
So long as she's doing me, I don't care.

33. What's the most you have spent for a haircut?
$120. that was for a cut and dye job. We did my hair spikey and blue!

34. Have you ever had a crush on a teacher?
Fuck yes!

35. Have you ever pee'd in public?
I knew this would come back to haunt me ... yes .. very drunk and very public.

36. What is the last name of the LAST person you slept next to in bed?
I am not allowed to say .. she would kill me and I am afraid of her.

37. Do you walk around the house naked?
usually on the way to the shower, or to find socks and undies which are still in the "just off the line" pile.

38. How many drinks does it take to get you drunk?
6 glasses of spirits, 8 of wine and I don;t know how many beers. I know this because I have had much practice.

39. What do you do as soon as you walk in the house?
usually the first thing is to get changed. Sometimes I head for the fridge first.

40. Do you like horror or comedy?
Tough choice, I like 'em both.

41. Who is the friend you can count on the most?
Hmmm I try not to rely on others but in a pinch I guess it would be my son or my mate Gabby.

42. Where was your first kiss with your current significant other?
LOL in an hotel room. We'd gone upstairs to my room on the way back from someplace so she could change clothes and I surprised her. Then she surprised me!

43. What is your favorite sport to watch?
Women's beach Volleyball!

44. Last person to say they loved you?
My g/f. We say it like 50 times a day.

45. Have you ever had sex in a public place?
Define sex.

46. Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach?
Nup, I'm usually too drunk.

47. Do you like the ocean?
I love the ocean but am deathly afraid of it.I even have trouble flying over it.

48. Do you stay friends with your ex?
Mostly.

49. Do you remember the most naughty night of your life?
Oh dear heavans yes, I will burn in hell for that one if for no other.

My Life - BROKE!!

wylddaze — 2007-07-17T11:07:55-05:00

So my employer was bought out by a bigger company. No problem with that, it's a good deal for everyone concerned ... or is it?

They have decided to pay us fortnightly instead of weekly .. no worries, we get paid a week late, big deal it's two weeks pay. I have a few bills to pay but they all seem happy to wait for a week. It's now a week and a half .. people are getting cranky. I'm told we'll be paid on Wednesday so I tell "the owed" that I'll pay 'em then. This morning I check my account - no pay. I call work, "Oh, we pay you Wednesday noight" WEDNESDAY NIGHT!!??

Is it just me or is that effectively Thursday? So the reality is we're being paid two weeks pay on the third week. Tomorrow they want me to attend a "fitness examination, it's standard practice" ... I think not.

To cheer myself up I present you:

40 Things you'd Love to Say Out Loud at Work:

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in

public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my

way.

6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're

saying.

10. Ahhhh. I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of

view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connections between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be?

24. Do I look like a f*cking people person to you?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing & I still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. Oh I get it . like humor . but different.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume. Must you really marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, and disorder. my work here is finally done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.

39. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

40. Wait a minute --- I'm trying to imagine you with a personality

My Life - Shaking my Head

wylddaze — 2007-07-23T08:07:30-05:00

People are very strange. I don't want to offend anyone but I havw to say this, it's been on my mind for months. No offence to anyone who has stayed at my house, you know I love you all right? K, most of you - with one exception ... you know who you are.

Annnyway, I have this standing lamp in my living room. It's called a standing lamp because that's what it does, it stands and it's a lamp. People often crash- land at my house, I have come home at all hours to find bodies of sleeping crew members strewn all over the lounge room/spare room and even the back step. Starngely though no one seems to have worked out the secret of the standing lamp.

Perhaps they just prefer to have the light on all night, I dunno but whenever people stay over they seem to either leve the lamp on all night or turn it right down on the slider but not actually switched off. Perhaps it's because they don't know that it doesn't have an off switch and that you need to turn it off at the wall.

People, can't live with 'em, not allowed to shoot 'em.

My Life - Lame.

wylddaze — 2007-07-25T02:07:25-05:00

So a friend of mine has pointed out to me that my last entry was lame. So lame in fact that she felt compelled to tell me how lame it was. Well, judging by the number of people who looked, compared to the number of replies I got, I would have to say she's right. So in the interest of reader satisfaction, here is a more interesting, albeit griping blog.

Something that really bites my berries is the way people kill the english language. Now don't get me wrong, I understand that language needs to grow and evolve and that common usage is the way it happens but it really irritates me when I hear people use language badly. By that I mean, incorrect tenses and participles.

Ok, maybe, just maybe it's because it took me so long to learn this language that I get pedantic about the details but it must make other people irrate when they hear these things, mustn't it? Let me know what you think.

The expressions:

1- "I could care less ..."  when what they really mean is that they "could NOT care less."

2- " If I would have known ..." PICK A FUCKING TENSE!!!!!! "If I had known"

3- "The accused pleaded ..." The correct past participle of the word "Plead" is "PLED."

4- "Different than..." it can be different to or different from something but nothing can be different than something. Different is an absolute, it either is or isn't; while "than" infers a comparison like being "taller or shorter than..."

OK people you all know some of these, there are things people say that irrtate you. Tell us, tell us all! Release you inner bitch to us and let us behold your peeves.

Do it, you know you want to.

My Life - A questionnaire

wylddaze — 2007-07-29T12:07:03-05:00

Questions commonly asked by visitors to Oz.

_________________________________________________

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

A: Depends how much you've been drinking. (In fairness, if you are in Canberra you really will se Kangaroos in the streets.)

__________________________________________________

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks(Sweden)?

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

__________________________________________________

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns,Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)

A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.

Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

__________________________________________________

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

_________________________________________________

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ... Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)

A: You are a British politician, right?

__________________________________________________

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

__________________________________________________

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.

All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

__________________________________________________

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA)

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

__________________________________________________

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

A: Yes, gay night clubs.

__________________________________________________

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)

A: Only at Christmas.

__________________________________________________

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

So now you know eh?

My Life - Hit and Run

wylddaze — 2007-07-30T06:07:12-05:00

OK, wildlife lovers of the world ... turn away now.

There are few things on this planet dumber or more ugly than a kangaroo. the name isn't even it's real name, it aboriginal for:

"I have no idea what you just asked me you stupid white man"

(work on it kids, you'll figure that one out later.)

After an IQ survey was conducted by some wildlife welfare group some years ago, the results indicated that dolphins and dogs shared about the same IQ as a three year old human. Great white sharks were just a little lower and chimpanzees were at about the same IQ as a 4-5 year old human.

Kangaroos studies by this group were the dumbest mammals alive and apparently, if you carve a kangaroo out of wood it will have the same IQ as a real one.

You might wonder why I hate them so much; I'll tell you: In Canberra, the capital city of Australia we have a smallish problem. About this time of year the kangaroos that live around the city in the bush, decide that the temperature of the grass in town is much better than the temperature of the grass in the bush and they invade! They arrive in mobs of several hundred and take over urban and suburban grassy areas. You know, like your front lawn. I go to work at about midnight when it's nice and dark and you can't see the big fat fuckers.

We had a plan to cull their number to improve safety but some animal rights activists in England protested and now, our gutless community leaders can't find the gumption (I love that word) to carry out the cull, for fear of the international backlash. Fair enough then, why don't we just export the vicious fat fuckers to the U.K. and they can deal with them.

Why are kangaroos so dangerous? Have you ever been driving at night and almost hit a dog in the road? What about a sheep? OK, now imagine this: Kangaroos can weigh as much as a large sheep, they actually move towards your headlights; and they don't die when they crash through your windscreen and into the front seat of your car - where you are. So when you come around the corner at 50mph and see a 'roo ahead, it is likely to jump towards your car, get hit by your car, get cut and bruised as it crashes through the windscreen of your car and end up bleeding and very angry in the seat next to you.

Yes, last night on the way to work, I ran across a mob of kangaroos grazing on the lawns of the local highschool. I avoided hitting any of the ones on the road but not before my heart-attack.

Of course if you hit it hard enough, it might just write your car off. Next week, I decry the woes of the bloody aweful cockatoo - Screeching flying vermin.

My Life - Turned ON

wylddaze — 2007-07-31T01:07:09-05:00

'K, everyone go to blankminds blog and see if anything turns you on.

G'on, off you go.

My Life - Cockatooless

wylddaze — 2007-08-05T05:08:16-05:00

OK, so last week I told you about the hazards of the world's dumbest and ugliest animal, the Kangaroo. Today we will talk about the other great Australian nuisance - The Golden crested Cockatoo.

I am a shift worker and I tend to want to sleep during the day while I work at night. One of the difficulties of this, is that during the day things are noisy. There are trucks and cars and people talking loudly and all the other noises we hear all day. The one noise that really keeps me awake though is the horrid screeching of the bloody cockatoos. There are hundreds of the little lice-ridden buggers around here and they make a noise like a cat being strangled.

In some countries, people pay outrageous amounts of cash for these disgusting birds and I fail to understand why. They are dirty, noisy and they destroy houses. Oh yes, they don't tell you that in the brochures do they? Cockatoos will pick at and destroy any wooden structure they can get their beaks into. This includes the eaves of your house and the branches of the very large gum tree that sits in your yard and whose branches reach out over your house.

The sound of falling gum tree branches is pretty scary when it's in your yard and over your head. The sight of your eaves after the birds have had at them is just infuriating. They literally pull the eaves to bits and leave the splinters all over the path.

I hate cockatoos, I hate them and I wish they would all die!

My Life - In Memoriam

wylddaze — 2007-08-05T07:08:33-05:00

                       HIROSHIMA - 1945 AT 09:15.

                           You are not forgotten.

My Life - With VooDoo Chickens

wylddaze — 2007-08-08T04:08:07-05:00

                        My adventures on public transport continue.

Yesterday, I was obliged to travel once again on public transport. I enjoy these little adventures because one meets the most um ... 'interesting' people on buses. Yesterday, I even met a couple of chickens.

The thrill began when I arrived at the bus stop and stood next to the shelter for some shade. Yes, even in winter the sun is hot in this place. As I stood there, I heard footsteps rustling the leaves behind me and turned to see who was there. I saw no one, until I looked down and spied the face of a black rooster. His companion was directly behind him and together they were looking at me, mid-stride, as if I had caught them trying to sneak up on me.

My avian stalkers stood there, looking at me as if I were about to dispense some great truth about life and the universe, their yellow eyes fixed on me, their little faces turned at an angle in a quizical stare. I decided they were waiting for me to turn around so they could stalk off unobserved. I turned away from them and sure enough when I turned back, they were gone. I then saw one, poke his head around from behind the bus shelter and peer at me. His feathery cohort again, directly behind him. They looked for all the world as if they were expecting me to speak to them. Perhaps I should have. They might just as easily have been planning to mug me.

Then the bus came and I left them to their fowl pursuits. Sitting on the bus that day, I pondered the question:

What is more depressing than listening to four girls, (who could not have been more than 17) loudly discussing their avid interest in boys, getting drunk and welfare payments? Is it that they then went on to berate a friend because she doesn't like to get drunk? NO, the answer is: watching them get off the bus with their small babies.

What hope for the future of the species?

My Life - Road Raging

wylddaze — 2007-08-13T07:08:49-05:00

Ever wondered what the difference is between a bad driver and a good one? The good driver has manners and uses them. I have decided that what makes a driver bad, is that they consider themselves first among many. It's a simple case of manners that's all. If you let others have more than they ask for, if you allow others to walk before you, if you show others the courtesy you would like from them, then all will be peace and calm upon the roads of the nation.

I watched today as a man in a van tried to bully his way into the traffic I was in. Instead of merging calmly and slowly, he had chosen to put his needs first and push his way into the traffic. The fellow in the car next to him probably didn't even notice (he was well ahead in the lane of traffic next to the van.) never-the-less, the van driver pushed his pathetic little engine harder and harder to force the issue.

He failed. He fell behind in the traffic and lost what would have been his place ahead of me (I simply ignored him and drove on) as he had lost speed and couldn't keep up.

I would have slowed and allowed him to enter ahead of me into the lane but I put the needs of the people around me ahead of his.

I think it's a pretty good rule for life in general: Be gracious in your attitude towards others. Be Kind and relax. Put the extra car length between you and the car ahead of you. It won't get you there any later and it will take a little tension out of your driving experience. Relax, drive like you enjoy the trip and life will be a lot easier.

My Life - As a Preacher

wylddaze — 2007-08-18T07:08:51-05:00

I've been told I preach. I'm 'Preachy'. I don;t know how I feel about that. I defended myself by saying that I felt that since I've loved so long (and who thought I would???) and learned so much, that I should share when I can.

I always hope that maybe I can help someone deal with something that's bothering them. I always know that I can't help most of the people I meet because they've so much pain in them and I can't know that pain.

Am I preachy? Do I preach out of turn? Should I keep my big mouth shut? This is your chance to tell me people. I won't be offended, I don't have any feelings left anymore. I am not at all sensitive although some who think they know me, will say different; be honest and let me know.

So tell me fellow blogers, do I preach the gospels according to me?

,{:-)

My Life - Under The Control Of The Elderly.

wylddaze — 2007-08-20T11:08:20-05:00

We live in the twenty first century but yet are held back by the ideas of 19th. The problem is that we are governed by old men with old and outdated ideas. Just two examples of this are the gay marriage debate and the question of gender-identity.

If you are gay and want your partner to be treated as your next of kin, that should be your choice - not the government's.

If you change your sex and want to have your new sex noted on your passport, that should be your choice - not the government's.

Is it not the job of those we elect, to find ways to enable us (the people) to do the things we want to do with our lives? Is it not their job to enable the will of those who elected them? Am I wrong here? What business does religion of any kind have, in determining public policy? Gay marriage is a civil union not a religious one. Let the various churches do what they like about it, the government should be finding ways to make it work, not finding ways to stop it.

Below, is just one more reason why people over 50 should be banned from holding public office:

Newspaper excerpt: Sunday Aug 19 14:12 AEST

-Natalie Imbruglia's transsexual cousin is taking on the government over the gender on her passport before she travels for sex-change surgery in Thailand, a report said.

Stefanie Imbruglia, a first cousin of pop star Natalie, told The Sun-Herald that legislation enacted three months ago prevented her listing an "intended" sex on her passport.

As a result, when she travels to Thailand in October, she will be required either to travel on a passport naming her as a man, Stephen Imbruglia, or on a document of identity that would leave her genderless.

"It is completely outrageous," Imbruglia, 42, told the newspaper.

"I may fly out to Thailand with a penis, but I'm going to come back as a total woman with a vagina, so how am I going to get through immgration on a male passport?"

After two years living as Stefanie Imbruglia, she is to spend $20,000 on gender reassignment surgery in Phuket.

The architect, from Banksia in Sydney's south, said she would be "psychologically damaged" if she travelled on a male passport.

But the alternative document of identity would not offer her the same level of protection and could lead to strip searches and harassment, according to a letter she received from the Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade.

My Life - Howling at The Moon

wylddaze — 2007-08-23T03:08:02-05:00

If you're a big fan of the Moon you'll be interested in this ...

Next week - Tuesday the 28th to be exact - the Earth will pass in front of the Moon casting a red shadow fully over it. The redness comes from the light passing through the Earth's atmosphere. The red wavelengths dominate the spectrum reaching the Moon and brightly colouring it.

If you happen to live in the eastern states of Australia you're in luck because that is the perfect viewing area. If you live outside that seaboard ... tough.

Moon-rise on Tuesday will be at about 5:20pm and the earth will begin to pass over the Moon at about 6:50pm. The Moon will be fully eclipsed in a reddish glow from about 7:50pm to 9:20pm.

If you ever wanted a good excuse to party on a Tuesday night, this is it.

For the religious among you:

The World Will End ... on the night of Tuesday 28th between 6:50pm and 9:20pm. The End of Time will be announced by a red, glowing moon, visible to all. Repent now and save your pathetic souls ! ! ! !

My Life - With Blonde Tonsils

wylddaze — 2007-08-25T08:08:43-05:00

Mk, so I don't know if I've posted this before and I can't be bothered to go look. I still think it's moderately funny; although I've changed it from a blonde joke because frankly, I like blondes and they get a rough deal.

So ... here goes ....

A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation.  She was awake, so he examined her.

"You'll be fine," he said.

She asked,

"How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.

"What's the matter Doctor?  I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine.  It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

My Life - With Too Much to Say

wylddaze — 2007-08-27T08:08:34-05:00

Some weeks I find I have nothing to blog about and then there are weeks like this, where I find I am spoiled for choice!

I was going to talk about my fears this week and then I was going to talk about Hugh M Hefner's girlfriend Kendra and then I was going to talk about citizenship.

I ... I ... I Just don't know where to begin. Okay, so I can talk about my fears anytime and I can talk more about Kendra tomorrow night ... right now I'm pressed for time because my g/friend wants to fuck so I'll just say the quickest thing of the three:

Immigration News: Australian Immigration Authorities have decided that immigrants wishing to become Australian citizens, will now have to learn to speak english.

I always thought that was already a requirement.

Weird.

My Life - With PlayBoy

wylddaze — 2007-08-29T07:08:12-05:00

So anyway, I was reading this material on the ninemsn webpage and it refered to an interview by some gimp with Kendra Wilkinson. Now, I have seen this guy interview before and he has to be the most arrogant and condescending man on TV.

Why do some people think they are better than others? The way the interview was skewed towards her sex life with 'Hef' and the other girls, was pathetic. All he seemed to want to ask her about, was what it's like to have sex with her 81 year-old boyfriend (boy? hmm - partner then) and whether or not the three girlfriends had sex together as well.

I can understand that they need to titillate (stop giggling back there!) the audience for the ratings etc; but how must it feel to be a serious journalist, who has serious questions that might give us an insight into this young woman, being denied the chance to interview her, while watching this gimp do it?

Yes, she's hot and yes she shares her 81 y.o. partner with two other girls (both also hot) but she also has other interests and is an avid sportswoman and owns investment properties. Yet the interview seems to have been focussed on her boobies and her sexuality. The tone I get from the gimp interviewer, was an almost a holier-than-thou attitude towards her appearances in PlayBoy. What's so wrong with appearing nude? What's wrong with a good looking young woman (or man) enjoying showing off? Are people just envious of centrefolds? Is it just that people wish they could be lusted after like that?

Frankly, I like Kendra, she seems to be exactly what she purports to be and if I had her body, I'd be showing it off too. Dunno if I'd 'do' Hef though. Love the guy and admire him to bits but sleep with him?

Nnnnaah, think not.

I Luv Youse all.

My Life - With Some Closure

wylddaze — 2007-09-02T06:09:23-05:00

Six years ago next week, two very important things happened within days of each other that changed my life.

Of course we all know what happened on the 11th of September but for about 16,000 of us, the 13th of September was just as traumatic and somewhat more personal. The airline we had worked for (in my case for 16 years) suddenly closed it's doors and stopped flying.

Some 16,000 of us lost our careers overnight and we found out by watching the 6 o'clock news. I was on holidays that week, as I was looking after my son while his mother was travelling in the United States. Oh yes, she had arrived in New York city on the 11th.

It was a stressful few days. Even now I sometimes have dreams that we are all called back to the airport to work. It will never happen of course.

This week, I did something to lay that past to rest. I needed to find the final closure. Since this is the first year that we haven't commemorated the end of Ansett Australia, I decided to clean out my wardrobe. I took my old uniforms to charity, gave away the last remnants of that life and said goodbye to the past.

I took a deep sigh and felt somehow calmer.

My Life - Cordoned Off

wylddaze — 2007-09-07T05:09:16-05:00

OK, so at first I had nothing to blog about and NOW - almost too much to choose from!

My choice was made easier though, by the stupidity of APEC (The Asia-Pacific Economic Community) security.

For those who don't know, there is a meeting of APEC this week in Sydney and security has been horrendous. It's something you would expect in any country where civil liberty is curtailed and where authority is obeyed without question.

I had never thought we in Australia were like that; I always trusted that we questioned authority wherever possible and didn't simply obey 'anyone' with a badge. Sadly I was mistaken. This week the televison programme "Chaser's War on Everything" (the last bastion of rebellion in this parched land) chose to highlight this, by having one of their crew walking around Sydney wearing a laminated copy of his televison station ID card, stopping people randomly for a 'security check'.

The sad spectacle of people blindly doing as they were told broke my tiny, stone heart. People are idiots. Only one of them questioned what being asked of her (to raise her arms and turn around). Even a muslim man wearing traditional arabic clothing, stopped and did as the fake security officer asked him. He complained a little but he complied. We have become a nation of sheep! Of Girly-Men! Of Whimps!!!! We deserve to be treated the way we are by our government because we allow it. Civil disobedience has become a 'Bad thing'.

So then they went further and set up a fake motorcade to drive straight into the APEC conference! A stroke of pure genius. They set up four black cars, including a large, shiney, black SUV and put Canadian flags on them and drove straight into the gapping maw of the best security teams Australia has to offer.

They made it through three security checks!!

When the 'motorcade' was eventually stopped and asked for ID they were asked to exit the cars and searched. One of them was dressed as Osamma Bin Laden! Needless to say the security forces are in a furore, not because of the obvious uselessness of the systems they have in place but because they've been embarrassed. The fact is that these comedians have done us all a gigantic favour by showing us the complete waste of time this massive expenditure of public funds has been. They have acted as agents provocateur putting pressure on and testing our security set-up, showing us it's flaws. We should be grateful to them for daring to question, for daring to try the system. We should hail them as heroes for showing us that the biggest and most complicated security system is only as good as it's smallest flaw.

There is an added benefit to this excercise, the actual terrorists will now have a tougher time if they try to break security at this useless and expensive event, because the system has been tested. I see so many people angry at the 'Chaser's' team and yet I cannot see why. All they did was what any good Aussie should do, they questioned authority and they pushed their luck. They said 'No' when told to bend over and take it up the arse.

We're turning into a nation of obeyers and it will end in tears folks. We will end up being like the Singaporese, with a 'nanny' government that tells us how to behave and when. If we fail in our duty to question the authorities and to disobey wherever possible , we will end up a nation of girly-men, unable to decide what to have for breakfast or when to poop. I applaude the 'Chaser's' Team and I hope to god they stay with us, working for the good of our nation.

My Life - Stunned by The Stupidity of Others

wylddaze — 2007-09-11T07:09:40-05:00

In news from the police-state we like to call home this week, comes the story of a man, arrested for crossing the street.

I shit thee not people, a guy was arrested for crossing the road during the APEC fiasco. I call it a fiasco because the leaders of all these fat-arsed nations got together, talked about what they'd like to agree to doing, did nothing and managed to spend a great wad of tax dollars in the process. Can you believe they actually agreed that they would like to do something to halt global warming? I feel so safe.

Now about the guy . . . well, it seems this middle-aged father of two small children, wanted to cross one of the cordoned-off roads during the Apec security blitz in Sydney last week. Now obviously it was important to the police to keep ordinary folk off these streets, because they might be carrying weapons of mass destruction (BTW - have we found any yet?) and try to kill and or maim millions of innocent people.

I could maybe understand why ze polizei might have crash-tackled the guy and dragged him off the street for questioning. I might even understand that they might want charge him with some offence under the "you-have-no-right-to-walk-across-the-road" act of 2003 but to arrest the guy in front of his two small children and hold him for 24 hrs??!!

What The FUCK?! Are we living in Nazi Germany? France? China? The guy is a middle-aged accountant for fuck's sake. What did they ask him for 24 hours? "Who is your Al-Qaeda contact? Ve know you are hidding ze truth! Tell us everything you know! Ve haff vays of making you tok!

Honestly, give a policeman a little power and just watch his self-importance expand exponentially. It seems a little bit of power really does go a long way. I fear for our future people.

My Life - Talking Loudly

wylddaze — 2007-09-16T08:09:20-05:00

If you don't live in Oz then you've missed one of life's great pleasures. The pleasure isn't about living here, goodness knows it's a dull place at best; no the pleasure is in the wildlife.

I was hanging out the washing today (domestic goddess *strikes a pose* ) and was amused to see a magpie hunting grubs. OK, I know that doesn't sooound like much and that maybe I need to get a life but just wait, there's more to this.

In Spring, magpies go slightly nutsoid. The male's -unsuitable language warning: testicles grow tenfold and they get very aggressive and try to kill pretty much anything. They will dive-bomb humans that walk anywhere near the nests (like, in the same city as) and try to rip off your scalp. The effect on their brains however is much more amusing.

Like over exercised athletes, the added testosterone in the bird's systems makes the magpies twitchy. they go about talking to themselves and chortling, almost as if they're laughing at "the voices."

Back to the magpie that was hunting grubs in my backyard this morning. As I stood there hanging clothes, I heard a strange little voice behind me, chattering. I turned around and saw on the ground about 5 metres away, a small black and white shape. It was a magpie, out for some breakfast. It was walking about as they do, kind of a strutting and talking to itself. It chortled and laughed and even sounded as though it was yelling at times. As I looked at it, the bird stopped in it's tracks, looked up at me and stopped talking. I felt as though I had interrupted his conversation with himself.

This marvelous bird looked for all the world like either a drunk, staggering about talking to unheard voices or a yuppie in a fine, glossy business suit, talking too loudly on his mobile 'phone while shopping for groceries.

Life is good.

,[:-)

My Life - Exposed!

wylddaze — 2007-09-20T01:09:13-05:00

Tags Suggested by Mindsay: " exposed, exposed breasts, . . . " Seriously, where do I mention exposed breasts in the title? Not that I wouldn't, I like them a lot but let's get our minds above navel height ok? Breasts, I just love the word . . . Annnnyway . . . onto the blog:

So I'm standing in line at the supermarket as one does, when I notice a rack (no, not the breast kind) and a magazine sitting there right in front of me proclaims: "Scarlett Johansson reveals her romantic secret".

What a way to discover that your 'secret' love affair has been exposed to the world. I mean I thought (Scarlett) that we were going to keep our love a secret but apparently we aren't now. I guess it had to happen, after all we have been seen in public too often and we aren't very discreet about being affectionate.

It would have been nice to get some warning though, (thanks Scarlett) I mean just a quick call to say "hey babe, (she calls me that) I just want to warn you that I gave an interview and let it slip that we've been having an affair. Hope you don't mind honey, talk later - bye." I can't really complain though, I mean let's be honest - I have it pretty good but next time honey, can we tell the world together? Like you know, when our first baby is on the way . . .



My Life - As A Whore

wylddaze — 2007-09-23T05:09:16-05:00

Your results:
You are Inara Serra (Companion)

Inara Serra (Companion)
95%

Wash (Ship Pilot)
80%

Kaylee Frye (Ship Mechanic)
80%

Dr. Simon Tam (Ship Medic)
70%

River (Stowaway)
70%

Derrial Book (Shepherd)
70%

Zoe Washburne (Second-in-command)
60%

Jayne Cobb (Mercenary)
55%

Alliance
55%

Malcolm Reynolds (Captain)
45%

A Reaver (Cannibal)
25%

More than just a high paid escort.
A companion is well educated,
sophisticated and knows well
how to comfort others.

Click here to take the Serenity Personality Quiz

K, so I'm basically a whore then. Still, at least my top three are all hotties.

My Life - A Joke For You.

wylddaze — 2007-09-25T10:09:31-05:00

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.

After a while, he finds himself in a very high class neighborhood..... big, stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness's. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really "HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."
"Ah, yes," said the bobby... "Just follow me".

He leads him to a back 'delivery alley', then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.
"In there," points the bobby. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculpted hedges,
and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call 'English Hospitality'?"
"No, sir" replies the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy."

My Life - Spellcheck on aisle 3!

wylddaze — 2007-10-02T06:10:45-05:00

So I'm reading the papers the other day, as I do on a Sunday and I find two very important things.

The first, is that this is National Vegetarian Week. So is this like "open season" on the Vegies? Can I go out and bag m'self a few? Only problem is of course, you can't eat the meat and the hides are too skinny to be of any real use either.

The other thing wasn't so much a discovery as an affirmation of a previously held belief - that Ozzy journalists are crap. I guess if you live here and you've ever watched the news or read a newspaper you pretty much already knew this but there are two examples in the papers this week that I just can't pass up.

First of all, Andrew Taylor of the Sun Herald, since when do we in this country spell arse - A S S ? You arse, if you can't spell then at least set your spell-checker to 'English - Australian'.

Next is a classic from Daniel Dasey and Kate Hamilton - again from the Sun Herald (does no one check the print before publishing over there?) who refer to a purse as "pocketbook". Seriously guys, if you want to be americans go and live there. I thought it might just be me, so I asked some friends and not one of them calls it a 'pocketbook'. In this country it's a purse or a wallet.

Enjoy Vegetarian week everyone, I hear they put up a hell of a fight once you've hooked one.

,{:-)

My Life - Needing HELP!

wylddaze — 2007-10-05T06:10:11-05:00

I am in need of advice. OK, well not so much me as a friend of mine. You see, it seems her new boyfriend of 2 months has a bit of a problem ... he doesn't seem to be in any hurry to make an advance on her. He says he likes to take things slowly although he also adds that he is very attracted to her.

Personally, I don't see why but he seems to be of the opinion that going slowly . . . reeeeeeeealllyy slowly, is a good thing. They had been good friends for 2 months and then they started to get a bit more serious. I don't know how much more serious they could have become if they haven't actually snogged yet but she says they are so I take her word for it.

I may be old fashioned but it seems to me that if you and you b/f have been talking on the phone every day and you are talking about very personal issues but you haven't kissed yet, then . . . you're just friends. Whether you like it or not, you're just friends. I mean, I've snogged friends I've known less intimately. Then again, I'm a whore.

So I am asking for help here. How does my friend turn this situation around? How can she initiate a snogging session? ladies, we need your advice, I know little about the art of seduction, I am just a slut who knows only the "attack on sight" method of seduction. She needs something a tad more subtle.

Please, please help. Any advice would be appreciated, thank you all.

My Life - Marginalised by The Law.

wylddaze — 2007-10-08T06:10:51-05:00

This just blows my mind ...

Victorian Police (Victoria is a state in Australia for our foreign Mindsayers) are having a spot of trouble. It seems that a trailblazing transexual policewoman has caused a "ruckus" by coming out as a lesbian. How incredibly rude of her.

Constable Bernice Canty is a male-to-female transexual (someone who has had surgery to change their sex organs) who has been in the police for three years without any problem. It seems that either no one minded having her in the female change-rooms or they weren't brave enough to say anything about it. Apparently it doesn't bother anyone to have a transexual co-worker, so long as they aren't gay.

Two months ago, informal complaints about the constable led to her being transferred. No formal complaints were laid because of the already problematic sexism in the Victorian Police. It seems Constable Canty has more dignity than her colleagues, she refused to comment saying her details were a private matter.

Sources revealed that the constable has been asked to use the 'disabled' facilities to change etc. All I can say is 'thank goodness for the lovely disabled people who don't seem to mind who uses their facilities' I guess they have more important things to worry about.

The thing that amuses me about this is that I've met a lot of police and almost all the female constables I've met were GAY!

Still, Im glad that the people in our society who are given powers of arrest, handcuffs and loaded guns are so intolerant and homophobic; as a straight, white man, I feel so much safer.

My Life - Saddened

wylddaze — 2007-10-11T07:10:09-05:00

I wasn't sure what to post tonight. There are some good things to post and then there are some bad ones. I think I need to exorcise a ghost that's been on my mind lately. Sometimes, we see images that stay with us and bring us bad dreams. This is one of those.

My list of things I've seen that I wish I hadn't #1836:

The man was crouching on the edge of the footpath, pointing his gun up the street at someone or something I couldn't see. He was using the shelter of the building next to him to duck back behind if he needed to. He kept low and fired often, he was fully engaged in his activity. The day was hot and dusty, the air was still and smelled of gunfire and the unique scent of the desert.

Suddenly, the area about the man was peppered with small spouts of dust. I heard the impacts as tiny thumping noises in the near distance. It was obvious that someone, unseen to me or the man was shooting at him. He had obviously been hit several times as he fell slightly to one side and lost his balance, sitting hard on backside. He put down his hand to steady himself.

The really shocking thing about this event, is not that he was shot or that it was a bright, sunny, normal day in Baghdad. The really shocking thing, the thing that gives me nightmares is the look on his face, the look of a man who has been surprised by death. The first peppering of bullets surprised the man so much that he looked about to see what had hit him. He knew something had knocked him off balance but he didn't know what. His face was surprised, his eyebrows raised as if he was asking a question. He wanted to know what had hit him, who had done it. He looked all about him looking for the answer and it came. The realisation that he had been shot came just an instant before a second spray of bullets rained on him.

This man had been so confident that he would always win his battles, that he would survive this war and tell his children about it, that he honestly didn't understand that he'd been shot. The understanding that he was about to be shot again and that he would die this time, came just an instant before a second round of tiny puffs of dust covered him and the area around him. He was just then trying to lift himself off his bottom to scramble to safety. He fell hard to the ground, the way people do when they are shot instantly dead (not catapulted off their feet as in the movies) and the surprised look on his face was soon replaced with the unmistakeable mask of death. The eyes half open, half closed, the mouth slack and all the facial muscles totally relaxed.

That man died in just a moment, a flash of seconds and neither he nor I saw the man that killed him. Death isn't always forwarned, we don't always see what kills us. Sometimes, we die quite unawares.

Before you get the wrong idea, I wasn't there when it happened, I saw it on a tape made by a foreign journalist but it left an deep impression on me. It's one of the tapes you probable won't see on sanitised TV

I hope I can get this out of my mind now.

My Life - In Perfect Harmony

wylddaze — 2007-10-14T08:10:36-05:00

What a day -

A hot, sunny day,

A cool Woman,

A frosty Iced Mocha Coffee.

The roof down and the cool breeze in my hair.

My Life - Yaaaaarrrrrrghh...

wylddaze — 2007-10-16T11:10:48-05:00

I'd have to say that I'm actually very happy with this. OI reckon I'd go to sea with a name like this one. yargh.

My pirate name is:

Iron Tom Bonney
Get your own pirate name from piratequiz.com.
part of the fidius.org network

A pirate's life isn't easy; it takes a tough person. That's okay with you, though, since you a tough person. You can be a little bit unpredictable, but a pirate's life is far from full of certainties, so that fits in pretty well. Arr!

My Life - Wet with Excitement

wylddaze — 2007-10-19T11:10:48-05:00

Something happened to me that made me smile and giggle. You see, one never expects to actually see one in real life. I was coming home from the local shops and it was quite late in the afternoon. In fact, it was just after dark so really it was evening. I digress, that is not important to the story at all.

I was driving through the car park as one does after shopping, when I noticed there was something a little odd about the car at the end of the row I was in. You see most car's tail lights are at about the same level. Some might be a few centimetres lower or higher but for the most part they aren't all that different.

I noticed that the lights on this car were very low; I mean reeeeally low. Then I noticed the colour. I saw a flash of deep, metallic orange paint and I knew this was a special car. As I pulled up level with it, I looked across and saw the sexiest little butt I've seen for a loooong time, a Lamborghini. I drove on, giggling to myself and quite excited.

One simply doesn't expect to see them in real life you know?

My Life - Making you Laugh

wylddaze — 2007-10-20T06:10:52-05:00

SCHOOL 1977 vs. SCHOOL 2007

Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.
1977

- Vice principal comes over, looks at Jack’s shotgun, goes to his car and gets his own shotgun to show Jack.
2007

- School goes into lockdown, the RCMP are called, Jack is hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors are called in to assist traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1977

- Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2007 - Police are called, SWAT team arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. They are charged with assault and both are expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won’t sit still in class, disrupts other students.
1977

- Jeffrey is sent to the principal’s office and given a good paddling. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007

- Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra provincial funding because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1977

- Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007

- Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy’s mom has an affair with the psychologist.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some Aspirin to school.
1977

- Mark shares Aspirin with the school principal out on the smoking dock.
2007

- Police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Pedro fails high-school English.
1977

- Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2007

- Pedro’s cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. Canadian Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against provincial school system and Pedro’s English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover Canada Day firecrackers, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.
1977

- Ants die.
2007

– Canadian Firearms Centre and the RCMP are called and Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. CSIS investigates parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny’s dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls during recess and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.
1977

- Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.
2007

- Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in federal prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy.

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Very High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Very High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Very High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	High

Are You Gay, Bi, or Straight? Your Result: Straight Your result indications that you are straight. Heterosexual. Attracted to the opposite sex. This probably does not come as a surprise to you. You are in the majority and your relationships will be accepted by society. Consider yourself lucky.
Gay
Bisexual
Are You Gay, Bi, or Straight? Now, the question here is: Since I put myself down as a female, does that mean I'm a lesbian?

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