I have some funny stuff for you today but first, a question:
- Why the F**K do doctors take blood from a hidden vein in my elbow, when there's one in my hand that gets cut without any effort at all!? I didn't even know I'd done it until I noticed the droplets. Apparently there's a tiny piece of sharp metal sticking out somewhere in my house. I don't even know what or where it was, it just pricked my hand near the knuckle and miraculously hit a vein! Talk about a bleeder, sheesh. So that's where I'm instructing the doc' to take blood next year at my check-up.
Now for the funny stuff I promised you.
Neologisms Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions
to its yearly neologisms, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
So Kevin Rudd turns out as big a pussy as the rest of them. I'm so very disappointed in you Kev. It saddens me that politicians are so swayed by the apparent voting power of the "Religious Right" and "Big Business".
My city (which is also a state) Canberra - the Australian Capital Territory - recently put forward a submission to local government to legislate gay marriages in the form of a civil union.
Completely forgetting the fact that marriage isn't always a religious ceremony but that it can in fact, also be a civil one, the old people said that was "against god, because marriage is between a man and a woman"
Who the hell mentioned god??
Of course we were all very opptimistic that we might be a forward-thinking, progressive bunch of aussies but . . . nnno. Kevin Rudd bowed his head before us and bared his bottom to the religious zealots in preparation for his buggering. Apparently we the states, have no power to formulate our own laws except under the supervision of the federal gumbyment. So Much for our supposed 'democracy'.
John Stanhope, I applaude you for your efforts and your fearless pursuit of justice for all, you're a man I respect.
Kevin Rudd, you big fat pussy. I'd still rather have you as PM because you've done some pretty good things up to now but I've lost a lot of respect for you.
It's sad that religious interests have so much influence on what should (and is supposed to) be an secular form of government. Sadly, government does not represent the will of all the people, it represents the will of the powerful lobbies, those who have guns, those who sell oil and those who worship gods. Hence we are in an unjust war, still using expensive oil products and unable to say to the world that we are proud to be officially joined with our gay partners.
Let me off, I'm sick of this ride.
miley cyrusOK gentlemen, moment of truth . . .
Hands up all those, who secretly wish Miley Cyrus was a few years older so they wouldn't feel so guilty looking at her?
C'mon, you know who you are - 'fess up boys.
Some days start weird and some evolve that way. Today was one of those. (see what I did there? I didn't tell you which kind it was did I?)
For years my doctor has told me to stop smoking, drink less, lose weight, take my blood pressure med's and get fit or I'd have a stroke or a heart attack. Well, it seems he's gone and had a heart attack. There is no justice ion the world. Here's a guy who saves lives for a living, works 18 hours a day, looks after himself and what's his just rewards? A heart attack. On the other hand, I help no one, do nothing of any real value and treat my body like someone else owns it and I'm as fit as a bull. Well, except that my BP is like 180/120 but, my point is there really is no justice.
So that was not the end of the weirdness today. I got out of my car and walked to the parking meter to pay, when this random guy leans out of the car next to me and hands me a ticket, that's still valid for an hour! Go me.
Then, I went to the credit union (MECU) to apply for an overdraft for the bar and instead of a wall of resistance, I was met with a swell of assistance and optimism. Not like the other banks at all.
Today was weird and wonderful, all at once. I have to pee in a jar - it's going to be strange, I haven't done that one before. Usually they just take a gallon of blood and tell me I'm fine. I'm not sure I can hand someone (a stranger to boot) a jar of my urine. It's . . . too intimate somehow.
weird.